FortunateOne Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 A few days ago I debated with a few ladies that it's healthier for a man to focus his amorous attention towards one woman he likes then spread himself among many love interests at the same time. My view is that when I really want to date a woman it's best to focus my courting energy on this one woman These ladies said that women like men that date many women during the courting process so they feel special to be picked from the litter. As a man I know from my male friends that when men date many women at the same time it's for selfish gratification of certain needs and don't want a serious commitment with any women. So, what's your opinion ladies?
tmp0620 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 Oooooh I'm eager to hear the responses to this. Good thread .
ebizdiva Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I would agree with you. I think that it's very healthy to see different people as long as you are open and honest about that fact and as long as you are not intimate with all of them BUT once you have found "the one" you really like and are ready to make a commentment to that person then everybody else should be removed from the equation. That's what I would want a man to do for me. Just my $0.02. Sharifah
Portage Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I agree also, however, there is nothing wrong with dating a few people at once until you know you have a keeper. I think once you've been out of the dating game for any length of time, it may be in your best interest to date around, not sleep around necessarily. Actually, i could never sleep around,,,,it just isn't me. Of course, i don't know your past history, i'm just speaking from my own personal experience.
FortunateOne Posted December 22, 2007 Author Posted December 22, 2007 These ladies said the same in the start, yet changed their view once we defined the word "dating". To me, dating is an intimate relationship; kissing, cuddling, etc. To these ladies it meant socializing as friends.
tmp0620 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 These ladies said the same in the start, yet changed their view once we defined the word "dating". To me, dating is an intimate relationship; kissing, cuddling, etc. To these ladies it meant socializing as friends. Annnnnnddd you're original question just changed.
love4life Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I wouldn't say that I need a guy to be dating others or not, but I would like to know that he's NOT head-over-heels for me before he gets to know me. That, to me, would show desperation and avoidance of reality....um, I'm NOT perfect! A guy who comes on too strong is a huge turn-off. I would also like to know that he's had some relationships and has dated other women, to know he's had some experience, and knows what he wants.
annie24 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I don't want to feel as though Im on "The Bachelor" hoping that the guy will give the rose. I would rather be interesting enough that a man would want to focus his attentions on me. I think this goes back to old fashioned values. Where a man actually courted a woman. Not "Yo boo I will hook up wit ya late-ah." I would rather be courted than picked from a bevvy of women. i agree. or, if we are in the early stages, ie, first few dates, i would prefer he not tell me about any other women he is seeing. i went on a first date with a guy, and he told me he was putting his subscription on link removed on hold. i asked why. he said he was also dating 4 other women and didn't have time to start dating more. while honest, it's also a turn off. i don't want to be on a date, and have the guy talking about the 5 other women he is dating, blah! i refuse to join his harem! during the first few weeks, i assume he is dating others, as am i. but i think at a certain point, it can be counterproductive, ie, not taking the time to get to know one woman more in depth.
greensleeves Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I think women (and men) will have different opinions on this, de[ending on their own values and situation. If you make it clear fairly early when seeing a new women that you are also seeing other women, she can make the decision as to whether or not she would like to continue seeing you. There's nothing wrong with seeing a number of people at the same time, as long as you are honest and up front about it.
ebizdiva Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 According to one of the entries for link removed a date is defined as: a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement So yes, you can be dating more than one person at a time. I personally wouldn't be making out with multiple people but it does not include being intimate with them. Again I agree with you once you become intimate with one of them then it's time to commit at least sexually to that person, but if you're not intimate with any of them keep dating 'til your heart's content. Sharifah
annie24 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I think women (and men) will have different opinions on this, de[ending on their own values and situation. If you make it clear fairly early when seeing a new women that you are also seeing other women, she can make the decision as to whether or not she would like to continue seeing you. There's nothing wrong with seeing a number of people at the same time, as long as you are honest and up front about it. see, in the early stages, i simply assume that he is dating a few others - but i don't want to hear about it - it's kind of a turn off for me. after 1-3 months of dating though, if we want to keep seeing each other, i would prefer it is exclusive then. but i just don't like being on a date and having him talk about the other women he is seeing, know what i mean? i wouldn't get intimate with him in these first few dates anyways, but i don't want to know about it.
greensleeves Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 Yes, I agree that initially it would be expected that he would be dating others and it is a turn-off if he's discussing his dates with you. I just meant that briefly slipping it into the conversation that you see other people during the first few dates is fair, as different people have different expectations. But to have him talk about the other women while he's on a date with you is just rude....
annie24 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 well, he didn't mention them, he just briefly slipped it in during the conversation on the first date. it's still a turn off for me. but, in this case, there were plenty of other red flags too. i get annoyed when guys talk about exes on the date, to a degree that's not part of a normal conversation. ie, 'why did you move here?' 'my ex got a job here, i followed her out, but we broke up.' i think that's fine, no more. but i just hate being on a date with a guy, and having him bring up the fact he is seeing other. like he's verbalizing that during our date. i dunno, not a turn on.
Siriana Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 If i knew a guy I date dates few girls besides me i would feel he isn't interested enough in me so i would choose not to spend my free time with him. (minding I am in Europe so our dating rules are different) So if he dated few more girls at the same time i better do not found that out. he wouldn't be in the game anymore. If a guy was going out only with me, well thats what you expect at my place..but of course without him sending I'm desperate vibe ;-)
tmp0620 Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I would never date multiple people at once. Doesn't seem necessary or effective to me.
Entomon Posted December 22, 2007 Posted December 22, 2007 I posted something similar and got attacked by many (both men and women) that if two people are not exclusive then they're free to date other people. I don't subscribe to this type of a relationship. I was brought up on the belief that getting into a relationship involves a man and a woman - not a man and many women or vice versa. How are you old friend?
tiredofvampires Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I have never been a multiple dater. I don't know how people do it? I mean the first couple of dates but after that, I would feel weird about kissing more than one guy. Oh gosh, you can say that again! I have never multiple-dated in my life, because I really can only go one crush at a time. I guess I think in terms of quality, not quantity, so if I strike up what seems like a promising connection with someone, I have this nasty habit of wanting to see it to its natural conclusion instead of spreadinge myself thin. Then again, I am thinking of overhauling my MO completely, just to see what happens. The truth is, at almost 40 and after my last relationship (which was a too-fast-too-soon beginning, with too much expectation -- faaaar too much expectation wound around it), I am feeling more like keeping myself open to more than one option, and keeping things on a friendship level. That is, having dates which we are on the same wavelength about -- that they are just to enjoy eachother's company, socially, with about as close to zero pressure as possible. I don't want romance to be in the equation in these early get-togethers ("date" is even too much pressure for me to say!), and if that should start to develop, it would be with one, not with many. When I kiss someone, it is still a one-man heart decision for me -- this is the one I am risking more with now, and the only one. And I expect that to be mutual. I certainly wouldn't go for a situation where the man who was cuddling, kissing and being intimate with me physically is also "trying out" other women like this as well. I feel that there needs to be a strong, exclusive emotional connection by the time we are kissing and more. But before that, fair is fair. If I am socially engaging with more than one prospective romantic companion, I wouldn't mind that he is, during that time. In fact, it would feel more equal. I wouldn't enjoy it because I am "picked" from a line-up, but rather I'd just want to feel we are moving and operating similarly and both of us has options.
CarnelianButterfly Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 but i just hate being on a date with a guy, and having him bring up the fact he is seeing other. like he's verbalizing that during our date. i dunno, not a turn on. It's not cool, it just looks desperate in my eyes. He sounds insecure, like he needs to play up that he's getting around. If a guy is special or desirable it comes accross without the lip service.
love4life Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Right on! I agree - my last relationship moved too quickly and we crashed and burned pretty quickly, too, as a result. Given that, I'm approaching dating now as an opportunity to build a friendship first and not get physical too quickly. It keeps me calmer, keeps the anxiety of wondering "why hasn't he called?!" to a minimum, and keeps the thoughts of a "future" together at bay. I've just decided this in the last, oh, 24 hours, but I think it's the best way not only to ensure that a relationship has a solid foundation, but also to maintain some self-preservation.
annie24 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 It's not cool, it just looks desperate in my eyes. He sounds insecure, like he needs to play up that he's getting around. If a guy is special or desirable it comes accross without the lip service. yes! that's pretty much what i am trying to say. and it makes me feel like chopped liver. i mean, i like to feel like i am special on a date, not just one out of rotation of women. i'm ok going on a job interview knowing that 5 other people are trying to get hired for that job, but it doesn't feel good to have a date treat you that way!
livinginsbi Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I would assume anyone that I'm starting to date is also dating other people, as I would be too. I agree, no way do I want to hear about their other people. And dating to me is social relationships, dinner, movie, walks in the park, hiking, whatever the interests are - kissing, hand holding, cuddling, but no sex. After a period of time - and that depends on the circumstances of the couple, if things are going well then you can have the 'exclusivity' talk. It's not a commitment or a pre-engagment - but just a period of time where you agree to not see other people and focus more on each other, to see if commitment is where you want to go. I personally give myself about 8 weeks before I even consider going exclusive - but if my goal is a committed relationship and I'm still questioning my interest after a couple of months, then it's probably not worth my time to continue. It sounds so clinical and scripted this way, but if you don't have your game plan out there and know what you want to do and when, you end up in the sack on the first or second date. Been there too and that has never worked out for me.
LBP Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I've got a buddy who never dates a single girl. He considers it economically - the more demand there is for him, the higher his value you is. Yes, he and all the girls he's dating are having sexual relations of some kind. I doubt he clues them in on that part but just I thought I'd air that out for anyone who thinks that multi-daters (at least men) operate otherwise. My friend isn't taking a girl out for a social engagement. He has friends. If he wants to do something other than work toward sex/whatever he has a big screen TV, a gym, and whatever else.
annie24 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I've got a buddy who never dates a single girl. He considers it economically - the more demand there is for him, the higher his value you is. Yes, he and all the girls he's dating are having sexual relations of some kind. I doubt he clues them in on that part but just I thought I'd air that out for anyone who thinks that multi-daters (at least men) operate otherwise. My friend isn't taking a girl out for a social engagement. He has friends. If he wants to do something other than work toward sex/whatever he has a big screen TV, a gym, and whatever else. see - i'd disagree - i would not value him very much. i would not be interested in dating such a man. i'd rather date a man who is seeing me, but is also a full, happy, and productive person. if he is seeing other women, that makes me feel less special to him, and i don't get competitive with these other women, i just leave. i say, 'let them have him, not for me, thanks.'
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