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Confused and married


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I got married a month ago, she moved into my apartment after the marriage. However, now after a month living together, I feel so confused, and scared. I had to seprate myself from my before marriage single life style. Moreover, I am bored most of the time now, and don't know what to do. We spend so much time at home that we are mostly bored with each other. Moreover, i am a person that needs some private time on a daily basis;however, i have completley lost that previlage. Can people with more expereince tell me how to handle my marriage?

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I am not sure why you are not getting private time - just because you live together or are married does not mean you should expect to sit around together ALL the time.

 

My boyfriend and I live together, and ensure we get "our alone time" apart as well as our time together, and we support and encourage each other in pursuing our individual interests and hobbies.

 

You should not stop being whom you ARE as a person just because you got married, and a relationship is as much about supporting one another's personal growth as it is about nourishing the relationship.

 

Sit down with your wife and talk about how you can both get the fulfillment you need individually, as well as together.

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Didn't you know this person before you married them? It sounds like it's all a surprise to you which tells me that you didn't really know her. Not good.

 

It's not a good idea to find out who somebody is AFTER you marry them.

 

You mention how you lost that "privilege". This tells me that she's controlling things....how quickly that will lead to resentment. You two need marriage counseling fast.

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Didn't you know this person before you married them? It sounds like it's all a surprise to you which tells me that you didn't really know her. Not good.

 

It's not a good idea to find out who somebody is AFTER you marry them.

 

You mention how you lost that "privilege". This tells me that she's controlling things....how quickly that will lead to resentment. You two need marriage counseling fast.

 

*I definetly agree with you*

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wow..

marriage counseling. as fast as you can.

were you even prepared for what marriage entailed before you took that leap?

maybe instead of sitting home alone and getting bored and sick of each other. you could PLAN things to go do. fun things you both love.

what you describe is so ridiculously petty and theres no reason for the laziness. plus, spending time along together should be fun, because you love her and love being with her. period.

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I knew her for 3 years, but never lived together, I am 30, she is 24. And she changed after moving to my house. She used to live with her family ( maybe she is too spoiled), sometimes she cries at night , telling me she is missing her mom ( like a baby) , and it is getting annoying as I work at 7 am usually and wake up around 5:30. I am thinking maybe moving in together was a bad idea................

or I acted fast

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Hmmmm, Have you sat down and discussed this with her? I think marriage counselling would be right up your alley. If i could go back, I would have given this a shot. I think like a man in this department, why share my problems with a stranger??

 

But you need help or the resentment will destroy the reason you FIRST got together.

 

Good Luck

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I agree with onelastgo. Maybe you guys should consider marriage counseling or at the least talk to someone at the church or a trusted third party.

 

She's young and I think it's rather insulting to say she crys like a baby about missing her Mom. I'm also ASSuming you tell her this. Please understand that she's young and that is not about being spoiled but that marriage is a life change. Moving away from home, living with somebody else all takes adjusting to. Also keep in mind that you are 30. You have had more time out on your own than she has. This is most likely all new to her and it would seem to me that her being your wife and all you would have more compassion.

 

Again, I agree with all of the other posts. All of this after just one month? Maybe she can do some outings with her Mom and you can do some with your family and the two of you will have more to discuss than building your entire worlds around each other.

 

It might also be possible that the idea of being married is just starting to sink in for you? You may be feeling trapped. Give it some time. I'm sure the love you felt just 30 days ago has not disappeared. Find ways to make your marriage work. It's WAY too early to throw in the towel. The ink hasn't even dried on your marriage license yet.

 

Sharifah

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Sambox,

 

I recently moved in with my partner (not married), and really had to get used to living together as well. Especially the first month was strange in my experience. We are together for two years and have a stable, strong relationship. But living together is not the same as spending 99% of the time together while both having a place of one's own! I say, give it some time and realize that now that you live together, your relationship should NOT be taken for granted. So, spend time apart doing your own things- who ever said that you can't see your friends while married?- and make efforts to go on dates.

 

I have cried uncontrollably in the first weeks, even though I felt happy deep inside and knew I made the right choice. It was just the step that was to big, the stress of moving houses. And after that I started enjoying living together so much that I can't believe that I felt so strange in the beginning. I just had to get used to not living alone anymore (had lived alone for 9 years).

 

Since SHE moved in with YOU- the change of environment is bigger for her while you may feel more 'invaded'. So another piece of advice is to look for a place that is new for BOTH of you. We moved in to a new place and while our old apartments were separate homes, this one is the home of our relationship.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Arwen

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It is all about adjustment and compromise, you both need hobbies or something else to focus on. If you are both laying in bed all afternoon watching the same show, doing groceries together and looking at each others faces it will definetly be boring.

 

You have to keep the flame burning, otherwise it will get old too quick. being married is not a reason to leave aside your friends, have get togethers, maybe you guys be the host...

 

As far as crying, she is a woman and we are more emotional than not. You had been living alone for a while and she had not. Give her some time to adjust and assure her than you love her and want her to be there with you.

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