No Contact, is this a game?

[ThaWarden]

My girlfriend 2 weeks ago tells me VIA AIM that she needs a break. I knew that she was going through a very stressful time dealing with what had happened to one of her friends, and at the same time it was finals week at college. She had been in contact with a friend of her friend that was in trouble so she could keep up on his situation, and I really thought nothing of this. But, the more time went on, the more and more they talked. Now they talk every day for hours on the phone, and leave each other "sweetie, hun, you make me smile" messages on myspace all the time.

 

It seems to me that my girlfriend asked me for a break so she could talk to this other guy ( whom by the way lives 4 hours away) She doesn't drive, so I know she doesn't see him in person at all. We have been in no contact for 2 weeks now, and its killing me thinking of her, because I love her so much.

 

Am I doing the right thing by giving her the space she asked me to give her?

 

She has not officially broken up with me, or even changed her status on myspace or facebook to single. She hasn't taken pics of us off her site either.

 

Do I have any hope at all?

[terk2021]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. First off, telling you she needs a break through IM is not a mature way of going about it. There are so many opinions out there on what "a break" means. I see them as break ups. It gives the other person time to figure out what they want, if that ends up being you, they come back, but if not, you are now sitting in a vulnerable position of waiting and wondering what's going on.

 

There are perceived rules on no contact as well. It certainly has it's benefits in giving you time to gather your thoughts and think about what you want.

 

Is what's going on right now what you want? If it's been 2 weeks, I think you have a right to contact her to figure out what's going on. If you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you deserve that.

 

The wondering right now is probably what's hurting you the most. Especially at this time of year, it makes things even harder. Personally, I would rather know what's going on, than sitting around and wondering. Let her know what it is doing to you, what you want in the relationship. If she is truly going through some problems right now, I would think she would want her boyfriend by her side.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. Bottom line, you deserve better than this, and I would reach out to her and figure out what's going on. It may not be what you want, but the position you are in right now is much worse.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Terk

[bustertypsy]

Firstly I am stunned that she asked you for a break on IM.Can I assume you are not in a LDR? Why could she not say it to you,to your face? This is most disrepectful of her.I think you deserve far more respect than she has shown you.You don't say how long you two were together,but by the sounds of it,it mustn't have been a long time.

 

What I strongly suggest is that you get in touch with her,preferably face to face and you find out exactly what she wants.I mean either she is with you or she isn't.Establish this fact and don't settle for anything less.It seems like she is putting you on a back burner to see if things work with this other guy.Don't be second fiddle to anybody.

 

If she says she needs a break then I would just disappear off the face of the earth and let her come looking for you.NC is not a game.It is for people who find themselves in situations like yours.Stay away from her and work on yourself.No point in chasing her,if she doesn't want you.On the other hand if she decides it's you she wants,then she will come looking for you.

[ThaWarden]

Not long distance, right around the corner. She said she used AIM because she probably wouldn't be able to ask me on the phone because she is "weak". We have been together for 8 months. I love this girl so much, its just killing me because I just have a feeling she isn't telling me the truth about everything.

 

On the other hand, maybe I am thinking myself into a paranoid loop that thinks more is going on with them than really is. But I don't know. I would hate to confront her about and that not be the case at all, because then I am a jealous, impatient jerk.

 

I also hate the thought of doing what she asked, giving her the space she wanted, and then she totally forgets about me, or thinks that if I really loved her I would go after her. But I am trying like hell to respect what she has asked for.

 

Am I too nice? Seems either way I go about it, in my mind, I will be at fault for our breakup if things go badly.

 

She is only my 3rd serious girlfriend, I am 25 years old. Never had a girl in school, so I guess my inexperience is probably playing a role in how I am feeling.

[bustertypsy]

You are not being paranoid.She is acting in a strange way.Eight months and she lives around the corner.Get yourself around that corner immediately and find out what her intentions are.You need to know right away.I appreciate that you love her,and I'm sure she knows you love her too.That does not give her the right to treat you like garbage.I don't buy the "weak" bit either.

 

If she is going through a hard time she should be needing you more than ever for support,as terk said.

Yes you are too nice.It is her fault that you are where you are.She is the one who can't decide what she wants,not you.Seriously go strict NC after you talk to her if she isn't forthcoming.You need to look after yourself and start to heal.

[DN]

I have to agree - going on a break under these circumstances is really unfair and selfish. She is essentially saying "let me go so I can see if anything works out with this other guy but hang around in case it doesn't work out".

 

My advice is to harden your heart and walk away. It will hurt and it won't be easy but her excuses about stress in her life are nonsense - being with someone you love is supposed to ease stress not cause more of it.

[blender]

Stay in "no contact" because it is what is empowering, attractive and most importantly HEALING for YOU. I know it's so tough to "let go" but really what are the self respecting options here? She's asked for a 'break", so do you really want to contact her when she's clearly "not ready" to give you what you crave emotionally right now?

 

See, no matter what the "reason" is for her wanting a break, whether it's her youth, or the guy she's becoming "friends' with, or because she's stressed, whatever, the FACT is she is NOT making an effort to be in contact with you right now, and she's asked for a "break".. so you know what... give her one, and more importantly GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, and know that YOU are NOT interested in any girl who doesn't come around to be in YOUR life in a full, complete and respectfully honest way.

 

Give her a chance to miss you, wonder about you, to see IF she discovers that "hmmm, he's really not contacting me, what's he up to, did I make a mistake, I think I miss him".. because if she doesn't come to this conclusion, well then, it's best that you let go and keep up no contact now, OR if she does discover that she does want to make an effort to continue a relationship with you, well then you can feel good about letting her have her space in order for her to discover this..

 

She's not going to "forget about you" but it's best that for right now you do not forget about yourself.. you know what I mean? Who are you in all this? What is it that you want from ANY relationship you are in? Is it "emotionally okay" for YOU to be put "on hold" right now?

 

If you ask yourself some of these questions and answer them honestly YOU might discover what about this situation of a "break" really means IN YOUR TERMS and if it's feeling right for you, and THEN you can express YOUR FEELINGS about all this to her in a healthy, mature way..

 

Take time to think about what all this means for you..and then take into account what "choice" you are willing to stand, here are two options to ponder:

 

1) You can eventually contact her and say: "I understand you want a break, and I'm willing to respect this, but I also want you to know that I'm not the kind of guy who is comfortable being in emotional limbo while all the time you may developing a relationship with this "guy friend" of yours, so if you are needing a break to be on your own right now that's one thing, but if you are needing a break because you want to explore other options with guys, then I need to know this, so I can let go, move on, and explore my options as a single person as well, so tell me honestly what is this break all about for you?"

 

OR

 

you can simply keep up no contact for right now and allow her a chance to figure out her own feelings.. and to take time to get busy with your own life, and widen your own world, and keep your own options open..and just give her some time... one day at a time.. just let her have some space as you have been..and see how YOU feel in a few weeks..

 

which one of those options feels "honest and right" for your own heart?

[ThaWarden]

Even though I really want to know if she is developing feelings for this other guy, he is 4 hours away, and fact is she isn't "seeing" him. So, in my broken hearted mind I am in the perfect position to blow things out of proportion. Especially if they're just really good friends.

 

I think right now, my best choice is to just leave her alone. I have not said a word to her, like I promised her. I told her I wouldn't say anything unless she said something first. I told her that I loved her and I would hate to lose her, and NC began.

 

I feel the need to respect her need for space, because I would want the same from her. Granted, I would not put ANYONE on a backburner to see if its going to work out between myself and someone else. Thats just wrong.

 

I am going to continue NC and see where it leads.

 

I am having an awful time staying busy, and keeping my mind off things. Almost all my friends have moved away from here, and only a few are left.

 

Thank you all for all the insight, and information.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if she just disappears for 2 weeks with no contact while flirting openly with another guy this is not a good thing...

 

you need to TALK to her about what this 'break' means... she's probably trying this other guy on for size without breaking up with you in case she decides to come back... or else she's taking the cowardly way out and not even telling you you've really broken up.

 

i think you need to call her and tell her you want to talk... if she doesn't agree to talk to you about this and talk about when you're getting back together (or not), then you have to assume it is over and move on, and tell her so.

 

also, just because he's four hours away and SHE doesn't drive doesn't mean he doesn't drive or they find some other way to be together... so you need to deal with this openly and not let her just slink away with no explanation, nor wait patiently for her if she doesn't clue you in as to what is going on here...

[lightn]

Thewarden:

 

If I was you I would have ask Can you talk and set up a meeting. If she refuses then tell her this if there is problems you will want to know, so you can correct them. IF it is a breakup you do deserve the answer. Right now you are the back burner, but once you get a meeting face to face and she cannot come up with a straight answer, you tell her this, you know what figure out what you want and the ball is in her court, and tell her this HER LOSS NOT YOURS and walk away. I can tell you this she will not like that saying., but make sure you walk away and hold your head high. Not having an answer is tough and so are lame excuses.

[terk2021]

I would write to her and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know what's in your heart, what's in your soul, and how much she means to you. Also, let her know that you cannot stand by and wait for her to decide what she wants to do. I would imagine that ultimately that is what's driving you crazy.

I just don't personally believe in putting my life on hold for someone. I regret how my relationship ended last year, but it did. Believe me, I still think about her all the time, but at least I have clarity, and I am not wondering if/when she is going to come back into my life.

 

It's time for her to step up and make a decision. It may not be the one you want to hear, but at least you will either have her back, or you can start the healing process of moving on...

 

Feel free to PM me anytime. I wish you the best.

 

Terk