Did I do something wrong?

[guy.lepage]

I have recently posted about my wife having dinner with a client. Things at home have been good and I have no complaints.

 

Last week was our company holiday dinner. Everyone was quite tipsy and having a good time. I ended up talking with this attractive colleague for quite a bit. After dinner she proposed that we go to a club.

 

We ordered some drinks and sat down side by side on a couch. The music was quite loud and we had to lean pretty close to hear each other talk. My colleague was sitting so close to me that her breasts constantly brushed against my arm.

 

After a while I ended up being aroused by this and started to feel guilty. I nonetheless let this happen for about an hour before calling it a night.

 

Do you think I did something wrong? Or could this be innocent?

[doyathink]

In your mind, do you consider it an innocent act? Or, do you feel guilty?

I'd say you did the right thing when you left. Sure, you probably shouldn't have went alone with her in the first place, but at least you didn't go further.

 

Would I want my husband doing this? No, I'd be pissed.

[Rabican]

On a scale of 0-10

 

0 being a choir boy and 10 being you cheated on your wife.... id say this is about a 3.

 

Now had you taken this somewhere private, kissed her, etc. then id say it was wrong... but it seems fairly innocent to me.... just dont do it again!

[LifesontheUp]

Imagine the scenario:

 

Your wife went out with the client, they had a few drinks, got quite tipsy and took themselves off to a club. In the club they sat close to hear what each other was saying and the client kept on brushing up to your wife. After an hour she couldn't take it any longer cause it was making her hot and bothered so she got up and called it a night.

 

So how would you feel about that scenario?

 

Honestly, you are saying things are good but you are still hurt and angry over the recent issues with your wife. I think this is a dangerous game you are playing...........yes its a game and you know it deep down. I'd bet there was a part of you that felt good about what happened as well as the guilt or you wouldn't have let it go on for an hour.

 

So are you going to tell your wife?

 

Are you having marriage counselling?

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you did something wrong. I think you cheated on her.

[Celadon]

I would say that this experience you had with your colleague shows that it's easy to be tempted. BUT, it's also possible to draw the line, which you did. So now you know not to do that again.

 

I would say a one-time lapse is a learning experience. A habitual relationship (dinner or lunch every week) is an affair.

 

P.S. About your wife & the client, I just read the other thread about your wife. I see her simply as being ambitious and career-oriented. Networking with important people can be a real smart move in certain fields. Work to keep your marriage strong and you should have no problems.

[jengh]

I think you did something wrong. I think you cheated on her.

 

I don't think he cheated on her, perse...he definitely crossed a line. If my theoretical boyfriend did this to me, I'd be furious. There would definitely be trust issues to work through. I wouldn't feel like cheated though. I WOULD, however, be suspicious of him cheating in the future.

[Sn0man]

hahhaa are you kidding??? nothing wrong here as you didn't do anything ... don't beat yourself up for having a libido!

[guy.lepage]

While your answers vary greatly, I agree with all of you...

 

I've been with the same woman for quite a while and don't know much about flirting anymore.

 

Some women are more "touchy feely" than others. At first I didn't think much of it as I thought her breasts brushing against my arm was an "accident".

 

Could it be that some women aren't shy about their breasts, or was she definitely trying to make a pass on me?

 

Now I wonder as I'll have to deal with this colleague after the holidays.

[guy.lepage]

You are SO right about everything. I did not intend to play games but when it happened the thought about a pseudo-revenge did cross my mind.

 

I haven't told my wife that I went alone with this woman. And no, we're not having counselling right now...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Guy, Guy, Guy! what are you doing? you just went through a long and tortuous spell with your wife obsessing about her doing exactly what you are doing now... what WERE you thinking?

 

I think you and your wife are engaged in some serious passive aggressive acting out here that has the potential to take you nowhere but divorce court!

 

She hurts you, so you want to hurt her back. Yep, that improves things.

 

You spend HOURS talking with her about how bad it is for her to see a work related guy outside work, so then you go do it yourself. Yep, that improves things.

 

So let's carry this a step further. She finds out about this, and tells herself... WHATTTTT??? we spent all those hours talking how HE didn't want ME to go out for dinner with someone, and he's going to a CLUB with someone?

 

Then she picks up the phone and calls her work guy and says, yes, let's have dinner, and then let's go to a club.

 

the point here is you are ESCALATING a bad situation rather than working on your marriage. how does letting some random woman rub her knockers on you in a club improve your marriage??? and why aren't you spending time with your WIFE at a club having fun...

 

When you behave this way, you are probably about a year from a divorce, whether you know it or not, unless you immediately STOP and really examine your behavior and what you really want. if you want a divorce, and to implicitly give your wife permission to go to clubs with another man, keep it up!

 

otherwise stop the nonsense and go to marriage counseling, NOW!! you are both BEHAVING like you are not committed to your marriage, and if you do that long enough, divorce will be the outcome. you need to go into counseling to discuss what problems are driving this behavior on both your parts, and how to fix it...

 

don't play around with these kinds of games too long, or it may be too late.

[wiser]

I say it was innocent flirting. You had no intentions of "doing anything" with her, and you got a cheap thrill by having her breasts rubbing against your arm.

 

No harm done.

 

(although going to a club alone with her was pushing the envelope, I'll give you that much)

[guy.lepage]

I told my wife that I went to a club with a bunch of coworkers.

 

Do you think that feeling her breasts was necessarily erotic or am I just too sensitive because of my situation at home?

 

Now, to make things more complicated, I just received an e-mail wishing me happy holidays and suggesting we should go out again.

 

I forgot to mention that my colleague is also married.

[wiser]

Your colleague is trying to have an affair with you.

 

Going to a club alone with her was probably crossing a line.

 

Feeling her breasts against you and getting turned on was probably not "great" but I deem it as acceptable although not in the best possible judgement.

 

Going out with her again is a no-no. You know she's after you.

[guy.lepage]

Your colleague is trying to have an affair with you.

 

Going to a club alone with her was probably crossing a line.

 

Feeling her breasts against you and getting turned on was probably not "great" but I deem it as acceptable although not in the best possible judgement.

 

Going out with her again is a no-no. You know she's after you.

 

Your response is much appreciated.

 

I'm not sure that she's really "after me" as some women are just naturally outgoing and flirtatious.

 

I do realize that going to a club alone with her wasn't the ideal situation.

 

Perhaps I should reply and suggest a group activity.

[wiser]

Perhaps I should reply and suggest a group activity.

 

Good idea. And not an orgy!

[Rum]

Guy,

Perhaps you should reply saying you are not going. Or that you are taking your wife.

This is exactly how all these affairs start. It's fun and exciting. But it's not worth it.

At least you are actually seeking help just by posting here. You seem to know that going out to a club with a married woman is wrong. But you seem to want to do it again?

 

Ask yourself now, what am i looking for?

What can i gain from sneaking out with a married woman to a club?

Do i really want to hurt my wife?

Do i lack that much self esteem, honesty to keep pursuing this?

If my wife did this, how would i feel?

If my wife did this, and wants to do it again, how do i feel now?

Do i need someone to talk to? Or is it the thrill of flirting? Maybe 1 kiss? Then what?

Do i love my wife?

Should i not be trying to do anything possible to make myself AND my wife happy?

 

again... What do i have to gain from going to a club with another woman? Look at all you have to lose.

 

Talk to your wife, be honest with each other. COMMUNICATE your true feelings to each other. Your lack of trust regarding her diner dates means something. You guys are not on the same page in dialogue.

If not addressed immediately you will both find out down the line that you have both cheated on each other. Stop it now before it starts.

 

--Rum

[guy.lepage]

The recent times have been confusing and challenging.

 

I had a really good time but meanwhile I don't feel like I cheated on my wife as nothing really happened and I don't think that I would want anything to happen.

 

I feel like I had a good time and it gave me an ego boost.

 

Perhaps this is just the beginning of a nice friendship? Oh well...

[LifesontheUp]

You are SO right about everything. I did not intend to play games but when it happened the thought about a pseudo-revenge did cross my mind.

 

I haven't told my wife that I went alone with this woman. And no, we're not having counselling right now...

 

Ok so it was an ego boost at a time when you've been upset with your wife and I can understand that to a point. But lets face it, you should be working this out with your wife and getting the boost from your wife not some work colleague.

 

Have a look at BeStrongBeHappys post as she thinks exactly what I do but put it so much better than I did.

 

You are on a dangerous path given how you are feeling at the moment in your marriage. IMHO you need to sit down and talk openly with your wife about whats going on in your marriage and try and set some appropriate boundaries. I'm suggesting you look at the marriagebuilders site by Willard Harvey as it may help you both.

 

Good luck and stay away from that work colleague.

[aranbp]

Be careful. You did the right thing the first time by leaving. Would you be able to do the same thing again? I would not put myself in the same situation again. If you play with fire you will get burned. Take your wife to the club.

[guy.lepage]

Well, after a long weekend I am getting ready to go back to the office tomorrow.

 

I did a lot of thinking in the past few days and I am sure that I totally love my wife.

 

Am I naive thinking I could be friends with this co-worker?

 

I think everyone on this board (including me) assumed she was after me because we went to a club just the two of us. Perhaps she's just an outgoing person? She seems to be happily married.

[beauty21]

Neither one of you should be going out with eachother alone, especially for drinks. You are kidding yourself. You know where this is going to lead? Is it worth losing your wife?

 

If you can't tell your wife about going to a club with this woman then you are cheating.

[guy.lepage]

I've gone out for drinks after work with female colleagues before AND have told my wife about it. That has never been an issue and is part of my normal social life at the office.

 

I had never gone for late night drinks though and I guess I allowed myself to go since we were celebrating Christmas.

 

I went alone with this colleague because we were having a nice conversation. I had no intention of going anywhere further and since my colleague is happily married, I would assume that she felt the same.

 

I didn't tell my wife since it would make her suspicious for no reason.

[beauty21]

I think you were wrong, period. You shouldn't have been there in the first place. Doesn't matter if you think she is happily married or not, you shouldn't put yourself in situations like that. Doesn't matter what the women's intentions are, you know what is acceptable and what isn't by your wife. You should start respecting that.

[guy.lepage]

I told my wife tonight that I ended up spending the final part of the evening alone with that colleague. I felt I had to be honest with her. If she had a problem with it, I definitely couldn't tell.

 

My colleague mentioned her husband on several occasions, which made me comfortable as the conversation was rather friendly. I honestly didn't feel bad about it until I read all of the reactions on this board.