im thinking about giving my ex a Merry Christmas Email. something good happened..

[revitalized]

I have been thinking about it and recently a great thing just happened in my life..my mother and grandmother never got along and hated each other and my mother used to never allow me or my siblings to visit my grandma when she was in a nursing home..just recently my mom and dad went to visit her and they patched things up and I would barely see my grandmother..maybe a few times per year and my mother told me that you have to have faith and believe in forgiveness..

 

I was feeling the same way when thinking about my ex. All of my friends would think that I am stupid for contacting someone that was really unkind to me in the past but the point is that you have to drop the grudges and just believe in forgiveness and that we only live once. I just think I would feel a lot better if I made peace with someone I had such negative feelings towards after having an immature fallout.

 

 

I dont think it's a game of pride where I think one person should contact another. I think that I would feel a lot better if I didn't have something eating away at me all the time in thinking that two people have cut off communication after having such a bad fight. I am sure some people may think it's a bad idea but I just want to know what everyone thinks!

[bustertypsy]

I agree with your opinion that we must not hold grudges and life is too short.You are not holding grudges! Obviously she is not thinking like you because if she was then she would be looking to bury the hatchet with you.

 

Let her come to you.Why should you,as the injured party hold out the hand of peace to somebody that is obviously making no effort to make peace with you.Forgive them in your heart but don't go making contact with them.This will only make them feel more superior and self righteous.

[love4life]

I agree with your opinion that we must not hold grudges and life is too short.You are not holding grudges! Obviously she is not thinking like you because if she was then she would be looking to bury the hatchet with you.

 

Let her come to you.Why should you,as the injured party hold out the hand of peace to somebody that is obviously making no effort to make peace with you.Forgive them in your heart but don't go making contact with them.This will only make them feel more superior and self righteous.

 

They will only seem superior and self-righteous if that's our perception of them and if we choose to be inferior and lowly in their presense.

 

I'm all for it, revitalized! I've been feeling this way lately, too, and will probably reach out to him sooner rather than later. I don't like the way we left it - it was immature on MY part, not on his. I've forgiven myself for it and I forgive him for it and when all is said and done I do think I'd like to try the friendship thing with him, which is what he wanted. I would feel better reaching out to him, knowing I'm in control of me, instead of putting the fate of my relationship with him in his hands.

[need2bme]

I am kinda in between on this and agree with you both. I do lean towards not doing it, though.

 

I had some great things happen to me and she was always the one I wanted to talk to, but I did not call her.

 

It will all be seen as a chance to get back with her. Besides, I don't really want to call her, share it with her and her to be all, "ok, well bye."

 

Ya know?

[revitalized]

I am kinda in between on this and agree with you both. I do lean towards not doing it, though.

 

I had some great things happen to me and she was always the one I wanted to talk to, but I did not call her.

 

It will all be seen as a chance to get back with her. Besides, I don't really want to call her, share it with her and her to be all, "ok, well bye."

 

Ya know?

 

 

well my intention was to email her and just keep it brief and just kind of let her know that I want to "make peace" and not have something be in the back of my mind. I remember when I was heart broken about everything I had the mindset that "I will let her find me if she wants to talk." but that kind of mentality just means a person isnt over that person. I think this email to her can be a step in the right direction.

 

 

My sadness is no longer about how she broke my heart, instead it is just about how immature we both were and how life is too short to just block out people due to a relationship falling apart. Friends are really valuable in life and especially down the road when you need people to be there for you for the right reasons.

[pianoguy]

I'd say no.

 

Forgiveness is all well and good, but you don't want to be a doormat. Doing this kind of thing is asking for a smack in the face.

 

I'd say forgive her in your heart, let her go, and move on with your life. At some point in the future your paths will probably cross and you can demonstrate forgiveness in your actions rather than words by acting normally and not hurt.

[pianoguy]

Maybe it might be beneficial to write a letter to her and not send it, to give yourself some closure.

[love4life]

I'm not really sure where you are in your healing process, and my first post is coming from the perspective I have now. A month, two months ago, I would have said "HELL NO, don't bother!" But that was because I was still hurting, still emotionally invested. I feel I've detached enough now, though, to be able to reach out soon and say, "Okay, I accept your offer to be friends. Let's hang out once in awhile and catch up."

 

So it depends on what your expectations are. Do you just want to bury the hatchet and have a casual friendship? Then it's fine. But if you want her back in your life in a deep, meaningful way, it is best to hold back.

 

Whatever you do, don't make it about HER and what you think her reaction/response will be. It should be about you.

[revitalized]

Maybe it might be beneficial to write a letter to her and not send it, to give yourself some closure.

 

at first when I read your message I felt "but then I wouldn't be able to have that peace with that person." but I think you are absolutely correct. I can get the closure I need without being that doormat. That's actually exactly why we had a bad breakup because she didn't appreciate me since I was a doormat. So this would have most likely gave her that same perception. Wow thanks for pointing that out to me! I can definitely have that closure myself and move forward though so that's great! I am heading in the right direction I just gotta make some more friends and I seem to be doing that right now so it's helping me out.

[revitalized]

I'm not really sure where you are in your healing process, and my first post is coming from the perspective I have now. A month, two months ago, I would have said "HELL NO, don't bother!" But that was because I was still hurting, still emotionally invested. I feel I've detached enough now, though, to be able to reach out soon and say, "Okay, I accept your offer to be friends. Let's hang out once in awhile and catch up."

 

So it depends on what your expectations are. Do you just want to bury the hatchet and have a casual friendship? Then it's fine. But if you want her back in your life in a deep, meaningful way, it is best to hold back.

 

Whatever you do, don't make it about HER and what you think her reaction/response will be. It should be about you.

 

 

if I were to contact her it would be for casual friendship. but piano guy has an excellent point. My ex took advantage of the fact that I was a doormat so I can forgive her and move on inside. and just live my life and chase my dreams. If she wants to be friends then that would be great. but contacting her will only give her that same perception again and I think I just have to be me! and just live my life and be happy.

[pianoguy]

Wow thanks for pointing that out to me! I can definitely have that closure myself and move forward though so that's great!

 

Sure, no problem. I've done this myself a few times and it works wonders.

I am heading in the right direction I just gotta make some more friends and I seem to be doing that right now so it's helping me out.

 

Yes, friends are what make life bearable, you can never have too many. Keep making friends, they are such a support.

[Me and myself]

Hi revitalized

 

Let me tell you my last "experience" with my ex... two months ago I decided to add her (again) to my MSN contact list, after more than 8 months of NC and, after that, a brief "face to face" contact and not much more than that.

As I said, I add her to my contact list and when me met online and started to talk, one of the first things she asked was:

 

Her - "Do you still work at the same company?"

 

Me - "Yes. But why are you asking that?"

 

(I'm not a guy who changes work very easily...I work at this company for more than 13 years. So I did found her question very strange.)

 

Her - "That's a casual question, a very natural one. You don't need to feel so defensive"

 

Me - "I'm not being defensive. I just found your question very odd."

 

(In fact I was hiper-defensive because this girl hurt me the most)

 

Then she start to talk about her life and making question about mine, but because I was very defensive, I was giving her very brief responses.

 

That's when she told me: "You are not talking to me. It seems you don't want to talk with me."

 

She started to be very assertive, pointing everything in my answers that shows that I was being very defensive. This made me think that this girl is not even trying to put herself in my shoes, to understand my position. She knows I was hurt badly when she broke up with me but it seems she forgot that.

 

That's when I told her. "It seems I made a wrong decision when I decided to talk to you."

 

And do you know what was her answer?

 

Something so simple as: "I'm sorry if you feel that way. Bye!"

 

Since then I never spoke to her again... in fact I deleted her contact yesterday...it took me a month to do it but I did it, finally.

 

Do you know why?

 

Because, if you analyse our conversation it was easy to see that she didn't took in consideration that this conversation could be hard to me and after all the hurt it was perfectly natural that I was so defensive.

And when I told her that maybe I had made a wrong decision, she don't even care to know what made me say that. When she said "I'm sorry if you feel that way. Bye!", it was the same as "I don't have time to waste with you."

 

I don't know how you are in your healing but send that e-mail only if you feel perfectly confortable in case a situation like mine occurs to you.

[Veroni]

Ahhhhhhh Bargaining. I have been there too. You convince yourself that it is the right thing to do. You will be the beigger person. Problem is, it takes to people to burry the hatchet.