boyfriend cheating?

[trypanosoma]

This question is related to my last post. My boyfriend talks to his female best friend almost every night for about a good chunk of time (10-30 min give or take). At first this didn't bother me because she's on the other side of the country and I tried to be understanding about them being best friends, but knowing that they used to be friends with benefits 6 years ago, and she's still "in love" with him, I don't trust her. I started getting worried when he went to see her recently and he didn't call me as much... I thought I was the girlfriend, not her.

 

I recently brought up the fact that it bothers me that they talk like a couple almost every night, if not every night, for a long time, but he said that he will never change that, that I should understand that they've been like this for 10 years and this will not change. That it's unfair that I don't understand about this routine that they've had. How can I trust him if his behavior is to always treat this best friend like a girlfriend, esp. knowing that she wants to get involved with him?

[ycmanvs]

He actually went alone to visit her, without you? Are you kidding? That is extremely inappropriate. Of course, if he is trustworthy, then you have nothing to worry about. It seems that talking every day to this woman is a bit excessive, but since he's been doing it for a long time, he will not stop.

How long have you been dating him?

[beauty21]

You will never be able to trust him if he is ignoring your feelings in order to make it better for himself to speak to other women. I couldn't be cool with my bf being friends with someone he used to have sex with and still likes him either. If you two are in a relationship he should care about your feelings.

[flower99]

it sounds questionable to me. And especially that when he went to visit her he didn't even call you as much (I assume you mean...as he calls her when with you) that's weird, bad. I would be uncomfortable with this as well.

being that you two are in a relationship, he should care about your feeling. But apparently he won't change this. it makes me wonder if he is just in denial about his feelings for her...How long have you two been dating?

[winchester3]

Don't be so insecure & jealous. As you said they live on opposite sides of the country. Nothing to worry about. And visiting his best friend with out you? How is that inappropriate? It's his friend, not yours. As you said he is not going to change, if you can't get over this then end it? However that's pretty extreme, you could ask more about her, maybe get to know her a little bit so that you are more comfortable with them being friends?

 

Honestly you have nothing to worry about. Now if she moved to where your bf lives then id be worried.

[southerngirl]

If that were me, I could not except it and this would be reason enough to end the relationship.

 

I guess you have two choices. You can accept it and get over it, not bothering him about it at all. Or you can end the relationship. I dont think that you can successfully tell him not to talk to her again.

 

He is telling you that his relationship with her is more important than the one that he has with you.

 

He is also telling you under no uncertain terms that he has no plans to ever end this relationship that he has with her or even limit their involvement.

 

One does not need to speak to a friend every single night to be friends.

[karvala]

I would be inclined to tell this guy that you don't want a relationship with two other people, and if he isn't prepared to commit emotionally to you exclusively, then he should find someone else. What he's doing at the moment is not acceptable in my view.

 

I do understand his argument: I have a long-standing female friend who is also an ex, who I have known for 15 years and with whom I have a very good understanding. She still has feelings for me as well, so it is very similar to your situation. When I got together with my gf, I soon realised that my close relationship with this friend was making my gf uncomfortable, so I toned it down. I don't call her so often, or make the communication obvious and time-consuming. My friend was/is not entirely happy about it, but I have to make a choice, and I choose my gf's feelings first; if I did anything else, I'd have to wonder if I should be in the relationship at all.

 

I haven't dropped my friend, I don't intend to, and my gf has never asked me to, but the friendship does need to be clearly delimited as that, for the peace of mind of the person you've chosen to have a relationship with. If your bf doesn't see this, or doesn't care how much it affects you, then perhaps he's not quite the guy you wish he was.

[flower99]

^^^^ well said karvala

Honestly you have nothing to worry about. Now if she moved to where your bf lives then id be worried.

so you'd be worried if she lived closer? well doesn't that say that there is a problem....something to worry about? for myself, I don't think distance from another women should be what makes me feel safe & secure in my relationship.

 

I agree that he's already said he's not going to change this, so really shoegirl you either have to accept thier relationship as is, or walk away (i'd probably walk away, but that's just me) he doesn't sounds like such a great keeper

[winchester3]

so you'd be worried if she lived closer? well doesn't that say that there is a problem....something to worry about? for myself, I don't think distance from another women should be what makes me feel safe & secure in my relationship.

 

If i was in the same situation but reversed, my g/f calling the guy. As long as our relationship gets the attention it needs i wouldn't be too upset by it. However early on in my relationship if buddy moved to my town id be worried as hell. Something would have to change.

 

Same scenario as above but a year in, i trust my g/f enough that it wouldn't really matter.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

First of all, 10-30 minutes on the phone is hardly a good chunk of time. That is really just two people catching up on the day. I am sure he spends a lot more time talking to you than to her. Just because they slept together years ago, doesn't mean they will do it again. He went out to visit her...were you invited to go? How long have you been with your boyfriend?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, I just read your other post. I think you are unduly harsh on this other woman when the person you should really be furious with is your boyfriend. He sounds very two-faced...telling you one thing and, I am sure, telling her something completely different in order to keep her around. He is not so innocent in all of this and I think he enjoys the attention from more than one woman. I am sure this woman is getting plenty of encouragement from your boyfriend if she is still hanging on. He was a willing participant in the sexcapade that happened before going to Australia...it takes two...so to pin the blame solely on her is unfair. Your boyfriend is egging this on. He is clearly hung up on this woman but for whatever reason, won't get together with her. You have only been with him 4 months. Not a long time. I would cut this one loose because HE is the problem, not his friend.

[Hope75]

I agree with CAD that the person you should have a problem with is not her but your boyfriend, who is clearly enjoying the attention of two women and the jealousy you are feeling- rightly so. If my fiance was talking to another women for a half hour every night and knowing she was not just a friend but someone he has sex with on a regular basis before, and that she is in love with him, if he did not agree to tone it down in a major way this would be a deal breaker for me.

 

If you have talked to him about this and he is not willing to cut back or change things (and it sounds like he isn't and is enjoying your jealousy and her attention) then maybe you need to re-evaluate if this relationship is right for you.

[trypanosoma]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, I really appreciate hearing what everyone has to say about this. I did discuss with him about him also being responsible for sleeping with his best friend before seeing the Aussie which is why I don't trust him around her. If they weren't sexually intimate in the past, I would've had no problem on him talking with her over the phone.

 

So far, we've been dating for 4 months, and he said on Friday night that he completely understands my side of this, and he is open to making this relationship work which is why he is open to listening to my opinion on what I think he should do. He said that he's not going to completely cut off their friendship because they've been best friends for 10 years, but he is willing to talk to her when I'm not around, or is willing to talk less to her overall.

 

 

He told me in advance that he was going to see her to fix their friendship because she's been giving him problems on him not giving her enough time, among other personal problems. I was going to end the relationship that same night I posted here, told him to get involved with her because he always looks forward to talking to her and wouldn't let her go, but he said that if he wanted to be involved with her in that way, he wouldn't be seeing me and would've stayed with her when he went to go see her. He also had to attend some business meetings near that state so he had to go there either way. Also, if he wanted to be intimate with her, in a committed relationship or be sexually involved, he would've continued doing that years ago and wouldn't be in a relationship with me, but he sees her strictly as a best friend. So that even though she's obsessed about him, that I can trust him because he doesn't want to be with her, he wants to be with me (just like karlava and other enotaloners, who have best friends who were exes at one point years ago).

 

He did tell me in advance about her when we started dating, that she's the reason why he hasn't been in any serious relationship these past few years because women don't understand that she's been in his life way before they entered, but I was oblivious and still continued with him this far. Because besides her, this relationship works for the both of us and he's willing to cut back on her. Also, he said that if you look back, he's been talking to her around me to show that there's nothing to hide. That he's willing to let me listen to their conversations because it's strictly catching up, and he does mention me from time to time but I get so caught up on the fact that she used to be a partner that just talking to her bothers me.

 

So even though I told him to do what he thinks is the right thing to do for the relationship, I still don't like her because she's always calling, texting, and he's been ignoring her for our sake, and yeah, she knows about me but this woman's bipolar. I still don't trust my boyfriend because she's still around and he intends to keep his best friend around. It will be too harsh to tell him to stop talking to her completely (which is what I would LOVE for him to do), but I'm in a situation where I break up because of the bipolar best friend and nothing else, or keep him around but have to listen to a whiny, clingy best friend from time to time.

[Hope75]

It's interesting that even though this woman has cost him multiple relationships and is obviously out of control that he stills feels some sense of loyalty to her.

 

Frankly if a guy was ruining my chances of a relationship with anyone else and I was not interested in him romantically, I would be distancing myself from him in a major way.

 

Her demanding that he spend more time with her is the demand of a jealous girlfriend, not a friend.

[trypanosoma]

Exactly Hope75, a best friend would not go as far as to demand time because talking every other day isn't enough, that's my job! I didn't tell him to distance himself from her, just to do what he thinks is right, and so far he's been distancing himself from her because that's just selfish of her to do what she's doing.

[ghost69]

if a girl i was dating was acting like this, she'd be history.