jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I've posted before on the tumultuous relationship between me and the ex... how he professed his love for me, etc. Well, we decided to just be friends...my birthday is January 10th and it's a milestone birthday. I wanted/needed him to be there for me.. he promised he would. I reminded him the other day and he replied, "no i won't be making it" after asking why, he replied "Jen, what do we really have besides the fact that we know each other? There's no point". I hadn't heard from him in a couple days then noticed he deleted me from his myspace (I was always his #1 friend on there)...I sent him an email asking him what the hell his problem was. he sent me this: ---message I sent him was along the lines of "how could you just do this? You broke my heart. Eff you." So, I responded back: I'm hurting so badly right now...I just miss my friend Link to comment
beauty21 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I think he has a point. You two have history together that will never change but he can't be happy in a relationship with someone who is constantly being negative about everything. My boyfriend is the same way and it does rub off on me. Sometimes I'd be at work all day, come home happy cause I miss him and his face is pouty because he is upset about something usually stupid. It's negative energy that makes me feel negative and upset too. He seems to want better for his life and if that means leaving you behind for him to be happy and focused then he should do it. It's exhausting trying to make things work with a person knowing things will never be the way you want them to. He can't be friends with you knowing he won't be able to move on from you, emotionally. He is really doing what he feels is best for him. You should respect him for that. 6 years is a long time. But people change. All you can do is let him go. You can't make nobody stay with you or love you. Link to comment
jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 I see your point and understand what you're saying but I don't want him to stay with me or be in love with me...i just want my best friend back Link to comment
jettison Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Did you break up with him? If so, it would seem that he's never completely forgave you for that, nor ever completely got over it. Sometimes, when you are this close to someone, it can all build up and just feel like too much. I'm guessing that if he doesn't respond to you soon, and does cut you off, you could rewrite this in the future and make it better. Link to comment
flower99 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 sounds like you've hurt him a lot in the past and present with your eff you. I'd listen to that & use it to learn from. He spoke of how he felt & what he was doing with his life now....you ignored all of it in your reply & focused on how he hurt you & shattered you....And are you going to do with out him?? honestly hun, you don't NEED anyone. we are born alone & we die alone. Every relationship in between is to learn from, grow & enjoy. he may have loved your negative attitude before, but like he said it has effected him & he no longer enjoys it. try to understand that. negativity effects a persons mind & outlook on life...he no longer wants that.People grow & change and it appears he's growing a different direction, he's seeking peace & happiness. And it may be without you now. It no doubt hurts you, and I'm sorry for that. but you can't change or control that...you can only control you. so find a way to handle this in the best way possible use this experience & relationship to learn & grow. And I'm sorry for your pain. beauty21 has good words. Link to comment
jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 Did you break up with him? If so, it would seem that he's never completely forgave you for that, nor ever completely got over it. Sometimes, when you are this close to someone, it can all build up and just feel like too much. I'm guessing that if he doesn't respond to you soon, and does cut you off, you could rewrite this in the future and make it better. yes, I broke up with him, though it was pretty mutual...the relationship just evolved into friendship... there were no bitter feelings... I just don't think I can move on... it's not the relationship holding me back... it's so so so much more... He's my best friend. My confidant. He means everything to me. He knows me better than anyone else. I can't lose that. Link to comment
jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 I completely understand what you're saying...it didn't really even occur to me.. I am sooo narcassistic. He poured his heart out to me and I just overlooked that... Jesus.. You and beauty are so right... but...how do I fix this? I DO need him.... Link to comment
jettison Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 yes, I broke up with him, though it was pretty mutual...the relationship just evolved into friendship... there were no bitter feelings... I just don't think I can move on... it's not the relationship holding me back... it's so so so much more... He's my best friend. My confidant. He means everything to me. He knows me better than anyone else. I can't lose that. I lost the exact same thing in my partner of 10 years. We were best friends and like family. It was an amicable separation. Still, once I moved on and started dating other people she did not deal with it very well at all. It's been a year and a half now since we broke up, and we still have "weird moments" and difficult days. I don't know if you ever get over something like that completely. It's too much, too intense, too close. When ever I've heard people tell me to cut her out of my life 100% I just shake my head. That would like just torching 10 years of my life, all I learned, every laugh, all the wisdom gained. I would be cutting off my own hands and feet just to save my fingers and toes. It doesn't make sense. Still, eventually, people have to move on to keep their sanity. Sometimes, if we still feel like we're too close, we'd have to cut it off in order to let a new person in. Maybe he can't keep you so close to him and also let a new woman into his life the way he'd like. In a way, he's sacrificing himself for you and wondering why. Link to comment
flower99 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 "how to you fix it" Well I’m not sure which you are referring to. Do you mean fix your negative attitude or fix your friendship. Because I don't think you can fix the friendship if you don't fix your negative attitude. How you fix a negative attitude is to become extremely aware of what you are saying & thinking. And consciously stop yourself from saying & thinking negatively. And when a negative thought or words comes, turn it around to something positive. Positive thoughts- look for the good in everything & speak it. smile, love, care & don't complain. don't put others down, And recognize all your potential. When you say things like you "do NEED him" you're speaking low of yourself & putting pressure on him. (and in life there are very few things you NEED food & air are the main ones..after that, they are wants & desires) You must realize you'll be okay with out him, you're strong & you are capable of making other friends & bettering yourself & your life without him. If in the future that friendship rekindles-wonderful. But until than You will be fine without him. you were before & you will be now. And when you say ' I don't think I can move on' well that's a negative state of mind. You've pre determined that you will not better yourself or your situation & you'll stay in it. These words & thoughts you must be aware of the power they carry. the negative energy they have & the depression & weight they hold on you & others around you. Become aware of this & make conscience efforts to change it. Not for his sake but your own. Make efforts to change your speech to more positive uplifting words, such as ‘I can & will get through this’ I can & will be happy again’’ nothing & no one can hold me from that’ Link to comment
jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 that's exactly it...i can't cut him out..1/5 of my life was with him... I can't let go...I'm not ready... it's so selfish...but...i can't do it.. I have pictures of us everywhere...walls, frames, etc...I hate that i need him.... How do I try to move on? Try to let go? Link to comment
jengh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 I have to go to work now...please continue posting...I'll respond as soon as I get home...thank you everyone. I appreciate it... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I know you are hurting but relationships and friendships are entered and exited upon with free will and he is ready to move on. That has to be honored. I think your response to him might have proven his point hon. He sounds extremely respectful and not like he is trying to hurt you but it sounds like he desperately wants to start a new chapter in his life and move on. Why not show him you do know how to not be that negative person and send him a different kind of reply - one that says "i cherish the time we have had together but I do want to respect and honor your wishes to move forward with your life. A part of me will always love you and i wish you nothing but the best". The responses that you are giving him are completely centered around you, your feelings and your anger. Dear heart I think those replies are kind of reinforcing his belief that you harbor a lot of negativity. Yes it is understandable you are hurt but being able to control the actions when hurt is important and might be one of the things that he is upset about. YOur replies to him didn't address anything he said or anything about him period. It was all about you. I am not berating you, just giving you my take on the email exchange. The pictures are great but I think sending them back to him like that won't be taken very well. Every couple will have loving pictures of themselves when times are great but by sending those pics you are not listening to his words, and those words are "We are NOT who we were yesterday"....he'll see those pictures and feel you are harping on yesterday when he is talking about tomorrow. Link to comment
flower99 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 ^^ great words jadedstar... Still, eventually, people have to move on to keep their sanity. Sometimes, if we still feel like we're too close, we'd have to cut it off in order to let a new person in. Maybe he can't keep you so close to him and also let a new woman into his life the way he'd like. In a way, he's sacrificing himself for you and wondering why. that's true...very possible as well. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 that's exactly it...i can't cut him out..1/5 of my life was with him... I can't let go...I'm not ready... it's so selfish...but...i can't do it.. I have pictures of us everywhere...walls, frames, etc...I hate that i need him.... How do I try to move on? Try to let go? Caro, if he is asking or demanding that you two cut ties, you have no choice. It has to be honored...I know you don't want to look like one of those psycho ex girlfriends that doesn't take no for an answer do you? I know you are too smart for that. The way you do it is by getting up each day and putting one leg in the pants at a time and one foot in front of the other at a time. Try to get thru each day wtihout dwelling on the past and only looking forward. Stay as occupied and busy as you can. Try very hard to NOT allow yourself to sit by yourself and sulk right now. That tends to bring out the most melancholy of thoughts and a person who is just getting over someone should avoid a lot of that. Sure, you'll still have moments where you cry and get angry that is normal, jsut try not to dwell on this. Sitting around and listening to songs that remind you of him or looking at these pictures won't help. That will keep you in downandoutsville much longer. Millions and millions of people before you have gotten thru life losing someone they care about. You will too sweetie. You also are more fortunate than many because you have eNA and the folks on it to help get you thru dark times. Link to comment
jengh Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 Thanks Jaded. Your extensive post means a lot... I thought about this all day at work today. I came to the conclusion that I am in fact a narcassistic b-word. Everything in that relationship has always been about me...I always find a way to turn things around in my favor. It's weird because aside from that particular relationship, I'm the exact opposite...I'm understanding and compassionate and put others before me. So, I don't know what to do... should I send him an e-mail stating that I'm sorry and that i respect his decision to move on but I'll always be there for him no matter what? I don't know...I guess I thought he'd always be in my life...it's almost like him dying... Link to comment
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