Sorry this is long...

[l1999j]

but it gets pretty complicated. I am a unhappily married woman. My husband is handsome, hard-working, a good father and the provider. What he is not is my soul mate. I feel complete disconnected from him and emotionally starved. We have two beautiful children. Our son is 3 and our daughter is 2. i have thought about leaving him every single day but do not because I am afraid of what it will do to our children.

I have had two affairs. One was about 4 years ago, before we had kids. I only had sex with the other man once but it was an emotional affair for a long time, maybe a year or so. We worked together and after a christmas party one night we were intimate in his car. He was also married and had two kids. I immediately felt guilty and ended things with him and even found another job because of it. Shortly thereafter I got pregnant. My son was planned, I thought that if we had a baby then that would being my husband and I closer and I would feel the bond that I was missing from him. That didn't happen. Like I said, he is a great provider and a good person, doesn't go out w. friends, doesn't abuse me, doesn't drink...nothing he only wants to be a good father and husband so I didn't see a reason for me to leave other than me being selfish.

When our son was 9 months I got pregnant again...this time...no by choice but it happened. I was still very much unhappy but now I brought innocent children into this mess called my life.

My second affair was also with a co-worker. We hit it off immediately. He was funny and made me feel beautiful...something my husband does not do.

We had sex about 6 months after meeting each other. We had a great friendship, I felt like he really listened to me also something I do not get at home. I told him I was leaving my husband and wanted to be with him- we'll call him Paul. I felt like I was falling in love with Paul. I pictured us getting married...I even picked out our wedding song. Before I was able to tell my husband I was leaving him , Paul gives me a letter....telling me he considers himself bisexual....I will admit...my gut told me something was up...anyway, i didn't really care...i thought I couldl deal with it and I wanted to be with him anyway......so times goes by...I tell my husband I'm thinking about leaving him.....we discussed divorce but he never moved out or anything...I was still on the fence since in the "outside" everything looks good. In the meantime Paul sends me an email stating that he can't see me right now and he need time to figure out some of his own issues and that he feels like I am never leaving my husband and I just want Paul on the side romantically and still try and salvage my marriage....so that was the last contact we had with eachother...I never replied to the email because I felt like Paul didn't understand how difficult it was for me. It is not as easy as packing a bag and walking out the door for me. he sent me the email back in August. Like I said we have had no contact...... so here i am ...still miserably unhappy , I feel like my husband and I are not even friends and I miss Paul terribly. I want to call him or email him daily...it takes everything in my power to not contact him but I feel like I need to respect his wishes.....i guess I am just looking into getting some feedback from some people and tell me what they think. I would walk away from everything for Paul in a heartbeat if I knew he wanted me but I don't....is he gay?? I know he has answered gay sex ads in the recent months ...... He also told me he thought he knew who he was before he met me...I feel like that girl who everyone talks about and says "how could she not have known!! - what is wrong with her..." But I feel like I am in love with Paul and I want him to know and if he knows and still wants to walk away then I guess I will have no choice but to move on...i don't know...please help!!!

[Clementine orange]

Here are some lyrics from "The Temptations"

 

I'm tellin' you the natural facts

For way this world

Listen to me people...

You make your own heavens and hell

Right here on earth

 

Ideally you should become disentangled with your husband before involving yourself with Paul. But I guess the danger is that Paul will "wander off" before you get a chance to do that. The real danger is that you will end up with nothing - no Paul, no marriage, no inner peace.

[rosephase]

Those are really two incredibly different issues. If you’re unhappy in you marriage, get out. It's that simple. It isn't going to help your children to be raised by a miserable mother who is always thinking about some other guy. But you should get out because you don't want to be with your husband NOT because you DO want to be with Paul. The fact that you would walk away for him but not for yourself no good.

 

I don't know anything about Paul but I can tell you there are plenty of bisexual men out there that love, have sex with, and are in relationships with women.

[flower99]

I'm just curious, when you married your husband did you feel he was your soul mate? did you have an emotional connection & a friendship?

I'm guessing you did. Isn't that why you married him? the thing is that stuff wears off.....it diminishes. Just like everything in this world - it needs to be maintained. It needs to be worked & polished up & reunited & reconnected. he's a wonderful man & you have a wonderful family with him, wouldnt' it be worth it to find a way to bring back the emotional connection & friendship?

Have you tried marital counselling?

 

If you did leave to be with Paul in time, that would fade too. leaving one man to be with another won't necessarly make you happy. Happiness comes from within. In time you will be right back where you are. Unless you discover yourself, what it is your truly missing in you & your relationships & how to rekindle it.

 

you've got a lot to lose right now by walking away....I'm not sure what all you've tried to reunite with your husband since it wasn't mentioned it the post...but i think your gut is holding you with your husband because There is a way to fix this. And if there is...you're family could be everything you've wanted. You have a wonderful stable loving husband & 2 beautiful children. You need to develope that emotional connection with your husband again. I'd try all I could to save this...couselling, books, dates, Lingerie, Prayer.....

 

If you have no desire to fix your relationship with your husband than you should leave, 2 happy parents separated is far better & healthier than 2 unhappy parents together. but I do suggest that you have time for yourself before getting into another relationship.

[Sully]

I cannot say it better than flower did. I don't see why it matters if "paul" is gay. He has told you he wants NC. Fix your marriage or leave it. If you decide to leave, do it. Then worry about finding someone else.

[l1999j]

Thanks for your reply....I was married when I was 20...I barely knew myself never mind who i wanted to spend eternity with....My mother was overbearing and very controlling....he was my way out....We did have 'something' at one time though and I have been trying to get it back for years....it's hard to know when enough is enough thought. We went to 3 different therapist....my husband hated them all...I did all the talking....as usual..

When we have sex I do not feel emotionally connected to him...yes the sex is good...but when it's I want to roll over and fall asleep.

[l1999j]

I cannot say it better than flower did. I don't see why it matters if "paul" is gay. He has told you he wants NC. Fix your marriage or leave it. If you decide to leave, do it. Then worry about finding someone else.

your right, he does want NC and I am trying to respect that but it is so difficult...i practically have to sit on my hands at times to not email him...i have tons and tons of letters to him that I keep in my journal. they help but having no contact with him in awful. I thought it would get better with time but instead it is getting worse.

[flower99]

Thanks for your reply....I was married when I was 20...I barely knew myself never mind who i wanted to spend eternity with....My mother was overbearing and very controlling....he was my way out....We did have 'something' at one time though and I have been trying to get it back for years....it's hard to know when enough is enough thought. We went to 3 different therapist....my husband hated them all...I did all the talking....as usual..

When we have sex I do not feel emotionally connected to him...yes the sex is good...but when it's I want to roll over and fall asleep.

 

That's wonderful you've tried & even went to 3 different therapist. I don't have many other ideas than. What i'm thinking though, is since you've tried for many years to fix this and it's been unsuccessful, than maybe leaving is the next step.

Like I said before....2 happy parents separated is far better than 2 unhappy ones together. the older your children get they WILL notice the unhappiness & if that's the environment they grow up in, that's what they will learn to live.

So if your only reason to stay right now is for your children, than I don't think it's a wise one. separate, have joint custody so the father can still be a good dad, and the kids will continue to have an ongoing relationship with both of you & you can than find your happiness. And be the best mom you can be & hopefully than a happy one too (: