Too much of a Struggle!!!!

[BabyGirl_1]

I don't trust my husband. We've been married for six years now and each year there has been some situation that makes my trust for him grow thinner and thinner. I don't know how to get it through his head that flirting is a bad thing and I trust in my heart that it has been more than just flirting on more than one occasion. The first year we were married we fought over his strange ways with the mother of his child. Then there was the employee at his past job that everyone said he slept with. Which to this day he won't admit to, now I know you may think that I have no proof and I shouldn't listen to he say/she say but....I surprised my husband this particular night he had to work late. He never worked late and he was acting very weird and introverted. When I showed up, noone was there but him, all the lights were out, and he hesitated to let me in the building(never happened before). The female in question lived literally 1minute away, and after arguing in my home about his infidality many individuals at his job told me that they knew what happened(though he claims he told noone) that when I came to his job the girl hid in the back of the building until I left then ran home. I never let that go because things never added up right but I stayed. Then I found an email from his new job that was sent to a student(he's a computer instructor for adults)from him. Telling this female that he was out of town(which he was) and was anxious to see her and hear her sexy voice when he got back. Never got the truth about this relationship all I got was "It was just a joke". Well after finding a message on myspace to a female from his past job I got my own place and left him finally. Well, I wasn't gone a whole month when I found a number I didn't know on my phone records, I called the number and it was a girl he met in the mall that he had been talking to. His excuse, I left him so... Look I'm not perfect, I've fallen short once in this relationship I spoke to a guy on the phone that I use to work with and my husband found out about it. I needed someone to talk to and relate to and he was there. After I tried counseling and my husband wouldn't go, I tried talking and my husband wouldn't. I felt alone, no excuse wrong is wrong but... anyway we're back together now and have a newborn princess together but I don't think it's meant to be. He doesn't know how to be a husband, friend, partner and I'm tired of trying to show him how! He'll be 30 in april, I am not his mother. I feel like I'm training him for his next relationship and I must say I am drained. He lives for himself and I've told him that too many times before. I have to tell him to help at home, with the kids, bond with me. That's another thing he "handles" himself more than he "handles" me. I just want out BAD! Thanks for listening

[elite867]

The first thing I want to say is good for you for leaving him.....I know it was a hard thing to do. Even though you got back together, you at least tried to do the right thing.

 

Second, I want to say that I think leaving him was the right thing. I say this because of what you said --

 

Look I'm not perfect, I've fallen short once in this relationship I spoke to a guy on the phone that I use to work with and my husband found out about it. I needed someone to talk to and relate to and he was there.

 

Talking to a guy on the phone about your problems is NOT cheating!!

 

Above all, talking to a guy on the phone cannot even compare to the humiliation of his whole office knowing he is sleeping around. I think, IMHO, that he has been cheating on you with all the women you mentioned and it will not stop now.

 

You have a choice to make clear and simple - get used to it and put up with it or leave him for good.

 

I was in a bad marriage and it took a lot for me to leave. Finally one of my friends said to me "you need to leave your husband, you are miserable, he is horrible to you and if you do not leave him, then you are choosing to stay and choosing to be miserable - so leave or stop crying about it."

 

You know what, I tried to just stop crying about it because I did not want to leave, but I finally realized that my happiness had to be my priority because I cannot make him be a better man or care about me the way I cared about him.

 

It is a hard decision to make and stick to. I did it because I had a strong network of friends and family supporting me. I know that you can too.

 

I posted a post here like this about a year ago. Everyone told me to leave too but I refused - I wanted a better answer, like just hang in there or something. You can read it if you want.....Divorce - Which Path Should I Take, post #979490.

 

Anyway, I look back at all those posts now and I think, boy I wish I had listened to them then....c'est la vie.

 

Find the strentgh to do what you need to do for you because you are worth it!

[RayKay]

I think you have reason not to trust him, I don't think he sounds trustworthy in the first place.

 

I think for many whom marry someone so young (yourself) you kinda lose sight (or never know) what a healthy relationship really "is" and you lose sight of yourself which makes it harder to leave and let go of what you had idealized.

 

I am glad thereforeeee, you seem to really realize this is terribly unhealthy and unfair.

 

I don't think you talking to a guy on the phone you used to work with compares at all with him cheating and planning to cheat. In healthy relationships you CAN have friends, and interests, and a LIFE outside your partner without being accused of cheating - he blames you it seems for HIS failures and projects onto you HIS behaviours.

 

I definitely think he has cheated - with the girl you caught him with and the others you indicated. He got mad at you for the guy on the phone as he knows how "easy" it is for him to do, why not you? This is a classic thing cheaters do.

 

No, it was not right to confide in the guy, as I think you might have been going towards emotional affair, but don't beat yourself up over it now - it does NOT justify his behaviour and treatment of you.

 

I really suggest that you go talk to a therapist to help pick up the pieces and your own self esteem - and TALK to them and that you also contact a lawyer.

 

I advise people to do everything they can before they go that route (divorce) but I think this is a case you married so young, to the wrong man, and he is NOT going to change and does not want to either. He has his cake and is eating it too.....

 

If you already feel like you ARE a single mom with no help at home, I bet the adjustment will be better than you think without the burden of stressing over his philandering ways and selfishness.

 

My mum and cheating dad divorced when I was young, believe me....while it was tough on her (with two young kids and one on the way) she was SO much better off after (and I will ALWAYS admire her for going through that) and she met my stepfather whom is WONDERFUL, committed, faithful, supportive, loving....all 22+ years they have been together and through some very stressful things in life. They are best friends and nuts about one another.

 

YOU CAN DO IT.