splitting up with s'one due to commitment issues

[malteser]

i really hate the position i'm in. i like the boy i'm with a lot but something with me is just wrong. i know i should split up with him but i don't want to..

 

when we met we really got on as friends. lots of drunken evenings. we had really good fun together. we just clicked and ppl were encouraging us to get it on pretty much straight away as our connection was evident from the start. one drunken evening led to us becomin more than just friends and weve continued seeing each other as a couple for the last month and a bit. we still have fun so much fun so i don't know what to do.

 

it's been just over a year since i broke out of a four year relationship. i broke up with a man i loved but felt i was too young and also that our relationship was based on a friendship gone too far. i can't help but fear that's what's happening here and i couldn't bare the scenario i've just had to happen again. somehow i managed to break my own heart however saying that i don't regret splitting up with my ex. it was right for me at the time. my relationship with my current beau is so similar, we just get on so well. of course i'm physically attracted to him i wouldn't say a want to rip his clothes off. the attraction is certainly more mental than physical and maybe that's one of the problems i have. i had a brief fling over the summer and i fancied that boy so much. my ex was my one and only before then so to be with someone i physically fancied so much was really different and exciting.

 

i have expressed my fears concerning my ex to him about starting a new relationship in which many tears were involved and i nearly split up with him.

he understood what i was saying and suggested we just took it slowly. we both agreed that if i doomed it before it had even began it was of course never going to work and we should just have fun and enjoy ourselves and see what happens. that's great but what if it does spiral out of control?

 

i meet his friends, they all love me. tell him how great i am for him and tell him not to mess things up with me. they say to me how sure they are they'll see me again because i'm a keeper as far as they and he are concerned.

he keeps talking about WHEN not IF i go to meet his family, see his family home, how he wants to take me away for a weekend for my birthday in MAY!! i just can't cope.

i suppose my question is i've been honest with him about my feelings i like him a lot but is it fairer just to split up with him due to the commitment issues and obviously tell him why that's the case or stay with him have fun and who knows!??

 

what if one month turns into one year which turns into four and then i find myself in a situation where i'm breaking up a long standing relationship which i could have stopped before and prevented so much heartache.

 

we're now going our different ways for christmas with our families and won't be seeing each other for a couple of weeks which will give me some quality time to think about the stuff that's going on.

surely the beginning of something with someone special shouldn't be like this. i do like him so much and i so don't want to hurt him and wound his pride (especially concerning how much his friends think of me) but something inside is just screaming GET OUT! - maybe i'm just not ready for another relationship??!

 

any advice x

[fivespot]

Don't take this the wrong way, but

 

LET GO OF HIM!

 

You clearly aren't ready for a serious relationship [with him] if you are confused or questioning yourself. It should feel natural. You should feel like omg, I can't believe I met someone like him, I can't believe my life could be so wonderful.

 

Granted, I know what it's like to be hurt. I, just like you, am afraid of getting involved with someone new. I'm so afraid that it's preventing me from even wanting to get back out there and date. I'm just not ready for that.

 

Basically, I'm not ready to let myself be that vulnerable again with someone again, especially with someone I hardly even know! My thinking is, I've had enough heartbreak for one lifetime, thank you very much.

 

I know I'll get over this eventually, but right now, I wish there was no such thing as girls.

 

Don't worry about what he thinks, what his friends/family will think...you will do him a HUGE favor right now if you dump him and go NC.

 

I'm sure deep down you don't want to hurt him, but believe me, my ex was in the same position in you, but you know what? She dragged me along for an entire year. She wanted me, then she didn't want me.

 

I'm at the point where I hate her now. Yes, I hated her for doing what she did to me in the beginning (I was unsure about her, but she told me to follow my heart). She convinced me we belonged together, then she bailed on me. I hate her for that, but the hate is nowhere in comparison for the loathing I feel for her for dragging me along this whole time.

 

But I also hate myself for going along with it.

 

Please, if it doesn't feel right to you, break it off. Nothing says you can't try again in the future, but be clear about it. Tell him there's no chance anytime soon. I wish my ex would have done that for me. Maybe I wouldn't hate her now if she would have.

[malteser]

you're so right i know you are. and to hear it from u're point of you really helps clarify what i should do.

it's just so hard. i like him so much. i hate feeling like this. it doesn't make any sense. everytime i see him i like him more and more and my feelings for him get stronger and stronger. i forget about any anxieties and then BANG. those fears come back like tonight for no particular reason.

 

when i had my tearful explosion last time i had these feelings he laughed. i told him how much i liked him, how much i could see this being really good...then dumped him....then I was the one who cried. it's a bit crazy. i just feel a bit all over the place right now.

ugh.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that it sound like you are not ready for a committed relationship to anyone. I would suggest that you really think long and hard about your commitment issues because it seems to be a pattern. If you don't break the pattern now, 20 years from now you will have screwed over many many men and will continue to be doing the same thing...it will ultimately make you miserably unhappy.

[malteser]

but i'm a bit confused. how exactly do you sort out commitment issues? how do i stop feeling like this with every man i meet? or is it just a case of not getting involved with anyone at all for fear of hurting their feelings until one man comes a long who i instantly know i'll spend the rest of my life with?

 

is that how it works?

 

is it not better to just as if have been doing let him know exactly the fears and anxieties that are running through my head and let him decide if he can cope with that? yes i may have my problems but it doesn't stop me wanting to be with him and spend time with him. if i make sure he's in control and give him that control by being brutally honest with him then surely that's ok? he knows where he stands and i'd understand if he wanted to back out...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

but i'm a bit confused. how exactly do you sort out commitment issues? how do i stop feeling like this with every man i meet? or is it just a case of not getting involved with anyone at all for fear of hurting their feelings until one man comes a long who i instantly know i'll spend the rest of my life with?

 

is that how it works?

 

is it not better to just as if have been doing let him know exactly the fears and anxieties that are running through my head and let him decide if he can cope with that? yes i may have my problems but it doesn't stop me wanting to be with him and spend time with him. if i make sure he's in control and give him that control by being brutally honest with him then surely that's ok? he knows where he stands and i'd understand if he wanted to back out...[/QUOTE]

 

Well, I suppose that would work if you don't want to sort yourself out...this way after you continually hurt many men by walking away from them, you can always absolve yourself of blame by saying to yourself and him "well, I told you what I was like and you made the decision to accept it". There are so many people who walk through life with these kinds of problems and expect that if they simply tell the other person, then they no longer have to work on their issues...they will just find some poor sap who falls in love with them and hopes that over time they will see the light. Of course that never happens and people with your issues just leave a path of destruction in their wake while they happily (or not so happily) saunter on feeling completely blameless.