Mom Troubles! Can you relate?

[shleynic]

My relationship with my mother has been rocky for about 8 years. Mostly, I feel alone and would like to hear from people who have had similar situations. Sorry, this is a long post.

 

I would like to give a little background so that you can understand how we have gotton to where we are. My mother reminds me a lot of "Rosanne". If your not familiar with it it is a sitcom from the 80s.

 

She tries to control everyone in the family and if something does not go her way well then look out. She is always right and everyone else is always wrong. In my 25 years I have never heard her apoligize to anyone for anything regardless of how big or small the issue. She knows exactly what to say to make your life hell and to make you feel like the scum of the earth. I have been in therapy for a little over a month and according to my therapist (who has never met my mother) my mom is verbally abusive and has control issues.

 

When I was 18 (I'm 25 now) I dated a man who was 33 (which really has not changed since I'm now married to a man 14yrs older). Now I know this is not the idea relationship a mother would like for her daughter, but she was particularly hard on me. Before disowned me for two years she said things like "you have hurt me more than any of your brothers" and "I just want you to know my blood pressure is sky high right now". During this two years I was extrememly lonely and hurt. However, I made several attempts to reopen the lines of communication, but she refused because of my "lifestyle". After 2 years my father asked me to call her because she wanted to work things out. I did, and without really talking about our issues things basically went back to normal, but I promised myself that I would never let her hurt me like that again.

 

Last month, my mother called me to inform me that my Grandfather (on my dad's side) was on his death bed and she thought it was a matter of hours. I immediately asked her if she thought dad would be okay if I was unable to attend the funeral. (I am currently a nursing student, I work, I'm married, and I have a home to take care of. The funeral was a 10 hour drive and I would have to miss 2 days of work. I just did't feel that I could miss work again at this time. My father is a reasonable man and I knew he would understand) At the time she said "don't loose your job over it" and "do what you need to do". Days later when she called me to inform me of the time and location of the funeral and I told her I didn't think I could make it she said "well your dad is really hurting and he needs you to be there". She was basically giving me a guilt trip after I told her I didn't feel it would be best for me to attend. So, I told myself I have to stick up for myself this time. I can't let her keep doing this to me. So I replied "I feel badly enough that I can't attend the funeral and I don't appreciate being given a guilt trip". Everything went down hill after that. She yelled "Don't even bother coming then" and "shame on you!".

 

Since this occurred things have basically gone down hill. My father called me and told me that "I was just plain disrespectful". After multiple phone calls from them that evening my husband finally picked up the phone and after my dad said "we feel that its best that she does not come" a fight broke out between them. Hours later I received this email from my mother:

 

Ashley,

 

This will be the last contact you will have with me forever. I am ashamed that I have raised such a cold harded brat. Your email will be blocked and I will not answer your phone calls. I'm sure that is fine with you.

 

How dare you talk to me the way you did and how dare you add to your fathers pain. And more than that how dare your childish husband speak to Kevin like that, and to threaten him is unforgiveable. Shows what kind of man he is.

 

 

Goodbye

 

FYI: Kevin is my dad. My Dad actually threatened my husband, not the other way around.

 

My mom attempted to call me a week later to see if I wanted to have a "calm, rational discussion". I have not returned her call because my therapist and I both feel that I'm not preparted to talk to her. However, we are working towards it. However, at this point all I have hopes for is maybe a phone call every few months and maybe a holiday once a year or something. I no longer have any desire to be close to her. Therapy has really helped, but sometimes I just feel so alone and sad...other times I feel angry. I just wish things were different.

 

Has anyone had to deal with similar behaviors from a parent?

[elite867]

I can sympathize on multiple levels. My parents were divorced when I was 6 and my dad was awarded custody of me. He and I were very close until I turned 13 and he remarried. I did not get a long with my step-mom and she was going to leave him because I was driving her crazy.

 

Instead my dad sent me to live with my mom. My mom was neglectiful, verbally and physically abusive. after a few years of abuse, my dad found out what was going on and brought me back with them. By then my step-mother's two daughters moved with us and they had two more children together.

 

Well, to make a very long story short, I befriended her daughters and helped them sneak out to see boys, etc. The eldest of the two ended up leaving home at 17, dropping out of school, getting pregnant, and then dying in a car accident.

 

You can imagine how I felt that I was to blame for her death since I had been her excuse for getting out of the house.

 

Anyway, I was estranged from my family. I was not able to go home for about 5 years - no contact, no visits nothing.

 

Even at the funeral - which I went to despite that they did not want me at, they pretty much pretended like I was not there - it was so lonely.

 

But after five years we have healed. My step-mother and I have a wonderful relationship - she is more of a mother to me than my mother ever was; although my real mother and I have also made amends with one another and we have a growing relationship as well.

 

All in all, it was a very painful 5 years of estrangement - I thought we would never be a family again, but we are. Since then another sister passed away and my other step-sister is estranged - by her choice. She left home at 19 to be with her boyfriend and she was arrested for drug possession and is now living a promisuous bi-sexual lifestyle.

 

We want her to come home but she refuses to leave her life. Being on the other side, where I am with the family and she is away is difficult but I have faith our family will be reunited again - all can be healed with time.

 

The first step to healing is forgiveness. Forgive but don't forget, you must remember in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

 

This will pass.

[Sully]

My sister is the you in my family. The reason she is estranged from my family is because her choice of a partner is not only bad for her, but bad for our family. Her live-in boyfriend has threaten my father, planted weed on one of my parents properties and many of awful things. It finally came down to my sister having to choose either us or him.

 

She chose him. She moved to another town with him. They had to leave this county because of his narking on the local drug dealers every time he got caught.

 

That all being said...my mother is verbally abusive. Her words cut often and they cut deep.

 

Who is in the wrong? I think everyone is. I hate being the one stuck in the middle. I am the one my mom call if she needs to know something about my nephew. Then I have to call my sister. Then mom. Then my sister.

 

I hope everything works out for you in the end. You aren't going to change your mother.

[d1211]

hi shleynic. i can relate to you and your moms situation. my mom is the same way. me and my mom are not close. shes a very negative person, every single day shes always yelling or mad about something, she is never happy. shes always telling me that i hate her, that because of me she is sick and shes half way in the grave because of me.

 

she blames it on me that my dad is sick. she blames it on me that my brother is traumatized because of me. mybrother sees my mom go crazy on me and shes always yelling at me. i cant go to the gas station that is at the end of my street to pump gas or anything without her going physco on me and calling and calling my cell phone to see where i am. shes the same way with my dad. yesterdasy i was in a car accident, it was my first one, iwas upset and scared because i had not gone through anything like that before and i called her and said: mom i was just in a car accident. and instead of her asking me, what happned, are you ok?

 

the first thing that comes out of her mouth is, WHAT NOW OUR INSURANCE IS GOING TO GO HIGHER BECAUSE OF YOU BLAH BLAH. i just hung up on her. she was more worried about our isnurance rates going higher than my well being. i never go out because she wont let me. and the times i do, she ruins my nights. she calls and calls and calls and texts messages me all night so i dont enjoy my night. when i get home like at 1am, shes waiting for me all mad. one night i only had 1 drink that night and i got home and she was waiting for me and she said: look at your self, coming home all drunk, you cant even walk right. and i was like what? i just laughed at her because she didint even know what she was talking about.

 

i wore a jean skirt that night when i went out, not a mini, just one that was maybe 3 inches about me knee and she calls me a prostitute because i wore a jean skirt. she says that i only go out so guys can get my drunk and i can prostitute my self. when she told me that i started to cry. she acts like she doest know me. i am not like that. if you only knew, ther are so many thigns that has happned to me with my mom, i can go on and on. but if you want to talk about it more, you can PM me if you like.