emailas Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Apologies upfront about the long post! I don't know where to start. Some of you my have read my previous posts re: mum's behaviour under a previous thread "daughter's angst" and "why i hate my mother" (which I don't...I am just SOOOO frustrated with her). Our relationship has deteriorated over the years, with me moving away from home o'seas, us growing apart, her not approving of my choices, my resenting her for her lack of support...and all this has escalated by me getting engaged to someone who is not of her choosing and of a different culture. The latest drama (it is the best way of describing her reaction) was that my aunty told her that my fiance and I could be living together (which we are not). She rang me at work and pretty much had a tantrum (to which, unfortunately i reacted). So after all the dust settled, (my aunty denying it and my mother insisnting she said it, she rang me a few days later and had another tantrum saying it was all my fault she fought with my aunty, because I have given the family something to talk about) she then told my father that I was taking sides with my aunty (which never said nor implied). I am telling you this to give you a brief insight into what I am up for in a month or so. My cousin is getting married. I will be attending this wedding o/s and staying with my mum's family for 10 days (who are equally if not more xenophobic). This will give her the perfect "stage". I have to go for my cousins sake, but I really don't know how I am going to deal with my mum, being around her 24/7 and other family. I will not be allowed to go out by myself and sticking my face in a book for 10 days would be considered unsoaciable- which will give them more reason to put me down. I am completely at a loss with this. There is enough anguish there as it is- our relationship is at a stage where she either does not talk to me , or pretty much tells me I have wrecked our family in response to ANY comment i make..including "how are you?" ..(the standard response is how good can I be when you've done this to your father amd I). I have given up saying anything in return as it fuels her emotional outbursts and she uses things (out of context) and tells my dad, who then gets pissed off with me and demands I apologise(which I inevitably do to keep his peace). At least now I can hang up. Either that, or she goes for months now wanting to talk to me-it's gotten so distressing that I have considered cutting off all contact, except for the fact I would miss my dad so terribly. any suggestions?
yokohama_mama Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Since you're going to be stuck together for this period of time, do your best to just be polite, and try not to let her get a rise out of you. When she whines, you could say something like, "I'm sorry you are disappointed." If you kind of go along with her it might take the wind out of her sails. It's only 10 days, and you'll get to see your Dad.
shleynic Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar relationship with my own mother so I can sympathize. Is there anywhere else you can stay for 10 days??
emailas Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 thanks for the advice Y.K- will try that- it does usually work over the phone, I am just worried it may not with all the "reinforcement" she may have with her family around her.
emailas Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar relationship with my own mother so I can sympathize. Is there anywhere else you can stay for 10 days?? no, I can't -it's just not the done thing...infact accommodation has already been arranged with my folks. Just the 3 of us , in a cosy apartment!
Cimmie Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 no, I can't -it's just not the done thing...infact accommodation has already been arranged with my folks. Just the 3 of us , in a cosy apartment! If I were you, I would try very hard to alter this accommodation arrangement. It sounds impossible, and a guarantee of explosions and conflict. If your mother behaves like this around you it's up to you to show her that it is not acceptable. You are an adult and not her little girl, or her possession. I'd get somewhere else to stay. Your mother behaves unreasonably, the only way to react is by keeping a cool head and doing things the way YOU want, not dancing to her tune. Don't get sucked in to her hysterics. That's the only viable response.
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