What my life has become...

[MythicDusk]

I need help, guidance more than anything. My life has turned itself upside down and I'm lost in this constant down spiral of depression, stress, and sadness.

 

This post wasn't supposed to be this long. I apologize, but it helped me get a lot out. Any replies are welcome, anything at all...

 

I did well in high school. I wasn't popular but I did have a good group of friends to hang out with. Life was happy and I had some pretty good relationships.

 

After I graduated from high school I was pressured by my parents to make a decision about school. I decided I was going to go to university and take business administration. I did poorly, failed many classes. A year later I was in my room, cutting myself to bring some sort of relief and distraction from the stress.

 

By this time, my friends had found out and became distant. No one has ever really been there for me... some friends they were... When my parents found out they told me to drop out of school, take a break and think about what I really want. I have been out of school and working for a year.

 

Unfortunately by this time I was already thinking suicide, and overall hating my life. I had found a new job and surprisingly was re-acquainted with an old friend from my childhood. He was a bad influence on me, I chronically smoked marijuana for about a year (quitting only a few weeks ago). This is what kept me alive, happy, stress free, loving work, life and overall I was feeling better.

 

My friend also slumped me into $7,000 debt which is now only down to $6,000. Not marijuana, just ridiculous overspending that got out of control. My parents found out I smoked marijuana, at that time I confessed about my debt for some financial support and they helped me with a loan I have been paying off.

 

I continued to smoke marijuana however behind their backs after telling them I had decided to quit. I've quit my job now and gotten a new one that I completely hate. Every day I come home, lay on my bed knowing in 6 hours I would be in bed then back to the hellish work.

 

I'm an introvert. My old job used to really wear me out dealing with customers and talking to people every day. I thought sitting at a computer would be a lot more bearable but all I do is put up with annoyed, angry, and disappointed people (call center that handles orders and resolves order issues). It stresses me out, drives my anxiety through the roof. I actually realized my legs were shaking so much my whole body was shaking from the anxiety. My supervisor had asked me numerous times if I was okay during my shift knowing I was new, but I just smiled and politely said yes. I take time out to calm myself down but it's never enough, I take too much time actually. All I can do is push the stress to the back of my mind, take the next call and somehow deal with it later... (like now)

 

I love being an introvert, I have discovered so much about myself with the time I spend alone. I was adopted from birth, and it's my only logical excuse as to why my opinions, and views on life are dramatically different from anyone in my family or extended family. Everyone is "married couple, nice house, 1 - 3 kids". I'm more of a free spirit travel the world broke with a companion. I can be happy with next to nothing, so long as I have someone in my life to be happy with me.

 

My dream is to spend a lot of my life traveling around the world. Learning and educating myself. This girl I met is a lot like me in every way and then some. We both want the same things out of life however, she's successfully completing school while I'm stuck in this hole I seem to keep digging myself into. My parents want me to go off and get a degree and a career... I think to survive in society that is what I must do in the end, as much as I despise it.... Uhg.... I feel like I'll never have the life I want...

 

I think about how I only have a few friends I rarely see. I had many friends at my old job, but I left out of frustration and was not thinking clearly. They won't hire me back either.

 

I don't drink or party, I live a quiet life. Socializing no longer comes easy to me (starting a new job was excruciating). I constantly think in my head about everything and I feel so hopeless and down right now all I can think about is the relief that suicide could bring me. Then I think about how angry my friends would be, how upset my family would be.

 

I feel a constant desire to be in a relationship, to have someone I can call up and talk to any time. Someone I can spend evenings with. I met a fantastic girl, I would give anything to be with her if only she didn't live 7 hours away. I'm being as careful as I can with developing a relationship with her, but I rarely get a chance to talk to. When she is in school she is studying, when she's at home... (school is a few hours away) she is visiting with family so every once in a while I text her... We talk when we can, it's not very much.

 

I can do without a relationship for now. I'm not exactly too worried about that, but I know how much relief that would bring to my life to actually have someone dependable that really cares about me and loves me. *shrugs* Not that my parents don't, but when I try to talk to them, I usually end up feeling like the son that failed them.

 

I want a fresh start at life, I don't know how to fix ... me.

I want it all to go away so I can sort out my life. I don't want to do this anymore and nothing has gotten better in the past 2 years it feels like my life is going to be hopeless.

 

All I have to cling to is my debt which burns this feeling of failure into the pit of my stomach, my family who are nothing like me, don't and never will understand me, and a couple of friends I see every couple of weeks.

 

The only hope I have is this girl I met. She does understand me. All my friends (even the ones I had), all my ex girlfriends, every family member I have... Never have come close to understanding me so deeply as this girl does. We don't need to ask each other questions because we already know what the answer will be.

 

This could also be the end of me, look how easy it is for me to place all that hope in that girl. Maybe she moves further away, finds a guy to settle down with before we get to know each other really well or anything... If I build up my hope, it'll come crashing down and I'll hate myself just that much more and I'm afraid thats going to be it... Thats going to be the final time I contemplate suicide before I kill myself.

 

I'm too ashamed to go to my parents and tell them I want to talk to a psychiatrist and therapist. (i think i would have a lot to discuss with both)

They're expensive though, my parents don't need to dish out big money so their son can talk to someone. They will never understand how important my mind, sanity, and overall mental stability is to me... Especially when I feel so unstable in my own mind.

 

Maybe I should sell my vehicle, cut off all of my monthly and yearly expenses... Take a month off and sort out my life. Is that a smart thing to do? I am living at home, for free.

 

What do you do when all you can think about is quitting on life... Every day... If I'm stressed or depressed suicide comes into my mind at least once, first I think about why I want to... Then I think about why I shouldn't... Then I get stressed out and scared that one day I won't think about why I shouldn't kill myself and actually do it. Then find myself ...somewhere... regretting it.

 

Please help.

[Veroni]

When it comes to your life, no expense should be considered. You must tell your parents how you feel. There is nothing to be ashamed about. You need help, You have a problem. You could have a mental disorder that could be corrected. For example, if you broke your leg, your parents wouldnt say "just walk it off" they would take you to a doctor and get you fixed up. I also feel like you have masked your problem with drugs and hopes for love and in come and go friends. Stop masking your problem and see yourself through this. You dont want to end your life when so many people with illnesses fight for theirs. Look at it this way too....there is always somebody that has it worse than you. Dont take your life for granted. Instead of focusing on how to end your life, focus on how to fix your life. YOU NEED HELP. get the help you need. If you could rack up debt for weed, you can surely spend some money on something positive. You only get one shot at life, dont give up on yourself. Suicide is not an escape, it an end. Dont end a life that with help, hard work, and a positive attitude could turn out to be very rewarding. You are here for a special purpose, live long enough to find out what it is.

[greensleeves]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. It can be tough when you're twenty and trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. It sounds like your parents have been supportive in the past, having you pull out of school to take a break, helping you with the debt etc. I think you need to go and speak to them right away about how you've been feeling. It's good to ask for help when you need it and even if you feel that your parents may not "get" you, you can be sure that they love you more than anything on this planet. Don't worry about the cost of therapy or counselling, they are not going to care about that and I'm sure your family doctor can find something that wouldn't cost anything if needed.

 

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, but it will get better. Life has it's ups and downs, but the ups are so beautiful. You really need to speak to your parents and tell them how you're feeling. Also, there are Suicide Help Lines in pretty much every town and city. Get on the internet and find the number for the one in your area. The people on the other end of those lines can help to steer you in the right direction.

 

I know that you are also worried about this girl, but first you need to take care of yourself. You have a full, beautiful life ahead of you. I promise you that. You're just going through an overwhelming and uncertain time right now. PLEASE go and speak to your parents right now. They love you.

 

Please keep me posted on how it goes and how you are progressing.

[MythicDusk]

It was hard enough to sit down and discuss something as stupid as debt with my parents. I swallowed my pride and just did it. Yes, they helped me...

 

I also saw the frustration and worry it put them through. That was some marijuana and money (the marijuana accounted only for $1000 of my debt).

I should also add that I have quit smoking marijuana as of the summer.

 

I can't start telling them all about how I'm scared because I'm depressed. I certainly can't tell them I constantly think about suicide.

 

I have a bipolar friend who lives 1500km away... When I tried to discuss it with my mother (the condition as my friend had just been diagnosed, this was a few years ago), she gave me this dirty look and said, "why would you want to be friends with someone like that."

 

My mother is judgmental like that. For her to have an imperfect son is a sin against her life. It was hard enough for her to accept that I had been smoking marijuana.

 

To add to the situation she now has complicated health problems that will require serious surgery. If I can't keep myself together, how the hell am I supposed to support her when she goes through that all.

Not to mention the worry...

 

I don't want to put that kind of stress on my parents. They have enough to worry about right now. It's christmas, and could be the last christmas my mom has with us.

 

I can't bring myself to tell my parents... I can't hurt the like that... I can't go anywhere else, I don't want to go behind their back... I feel like I'm stuck and can't do anything...

[greensleeves]

You will hurt them far more if you don't get help and as a parent myself, I truly believe they would want you to talk to them. Your mother may have been judgemental about your friend, but you are her child. I think that the fact your Mom is ill is contributing to the feelings you're having and that's natural. Maybe what you need are some anti-depressants or some other medication. It can help tremendously. Have you gone on the net yet to look into the help lines I mentioned?

[flyoffthewall]

Hi,

 

I really empathize with how you are feeling. I have a history of depression and used to consider suicide.

 

I also have parents who love me but don't "get it." So, I can understand why you would not want to talk to them. I do think, though, that it would help you to speak with someone.

 

I think that you are right to worry about hanging all of your hopes on a girl. I've tried that many times. I agree with the person who said that you have to work on yourself first. I know -- that is so hard, and I am sure you have already tried that SO many times. But you do have to start somewhere. I started very small, myself. I picked something that I knew would be helpful, like riding my bike for 30 minutes a day. Then, if that worked, I did that until it got to be a habit. Then, I tried something else. Change is slow, painful and takes time.

 

I want to tell you though, that I hope you will be patient with yourself and get help. I still have bouts of depression sometimes, and probably always will, but I am so much happier than I once was, and I am not a prisoner of my depression anymore. I could have killed myself, but I didn't, and I am so glad. I've met wonderful people that I never would have met otherwise. I've volunteered my time and have made a difference, if only a small one, in the lives of others. By doing all of this, I have gained confidence and have learned to weather the bad times and to savor the good ones.

 

I hate to see you suffering. I hope that you are able to get help and to make a start. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

[Entropy Smith]

Give yourself a break. You are not going to solve all your problems in one day. You have a good sense of introspection and are quite honest with your evalutations of yourself...you have the ability to make your life work...just don't expect it to happen right away...just take small baby steps...step 1 should be build a support network whether its a therapist,counselor, whatever...if you need help reach out to your mom...it'll make you stronger so you can help her.

 

...I don't like the idea of taking a month to think about things...for me this lead to more isolation and sinking deeper...set time to think about things...but know "thinking aobut things" is a life long thing and you have to handle your repsonsiblities of taking care of yoursesf along the way.

[MythicDusk]

Thank you everyone.

[greensleeves]

Hey MythicDusk,

Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today. Any better?

[buckdawg]

mythic,

i know that my early 20's were probably the lowest point in my life. i felt empty, lonely, confused and lost. i was in school but didn't have direction. i was in a relationship that was going nowhere and i really didn't know what i was doing. like you, i didn't have many friends to draw strength from, i was pretty much going solo.

all i can say is, hang in there bud. it gets better, it really does. pretty soon things will click for you and let me tell you, it's worth waiting for. you can do it man, i know you can.

[greensleeves]

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days....we are here to listen whenever you feel like it.

[MythicDusk]

I'm so thankful for forums like eNotAlone.

 

It's fantastic to look back and see where I've come in a month.

 

First of all, I decided to stop smoking marijuana as of boxing day. To see how things would turn out.

 

A week later I ended up going to see my doctor. I was having a very rough day and called in sick to work (without an illness). So I went to my doctor (I needed a note) and explained to him how I've been emotionally for the past two years.

We discussed depression, and he prescribed me some medication.

 

I noticed a very very very very very slight increase in my happiness...

Since I've stopped smoking marijuana and especially since I have started taking this medication... I wake up constantly at night again (like before I started smoking) and I seem to always be waking up 2 hours before I set my alarm the night before :sad:

 

I have no desire to go to work, it takes every ounce of effort to get my butt out of bed. Everyone at work, especially lately has been asking me if I am ok. Finally my good friend/coworker came up to me... lol he is NOT affectionate, and he hugged me and told me that everyone at work has been saying how I'm so different and so unhappy. Like..... What?

 

So. Ok, thats not so good. But I've worked out my debt issues. I'm planning to have paid off my debt by late summer. I know that will help, it makes me smile to think what it will feel like to see a net worth of + something lol not - something.

 

The girl? She hasn't talked to me in a while. I'm not sure if it's because she is focused on school (fingers crossed) or if she has moved on. I'm doin alright being single. Sucks at time... meh.

 

I've talked to my parents too... However they don't understand, of course.

 

Oh, and as for the Marijuana. Next week I am going to have a few hits in the morning, at lunch, and before bed... If you're not sure what that does, it most importantly lets me sleep from the time I lay down to the time my alarm goes off... I feel terrific and I miss mornings where I can eat breakfast and smile. Usually I'm not hungry enough. (at 110lb, I need all I can get) It also makes me interested in work, I get to work and immediately get started on these new ideas I have... I'm significantly more productive. Is it bad to be dependent like this? How many people need coffee throughout their entire day?

 

Thanks for all of your help and support.

[greensleeves]

Thanks for the the update! I hope you'll give the medication a little longer to work before you follow through with your decision to start smoking pot from morning til night. It will really only mask things for you. Read what you have in your sig by Kurt Cobain and really listen to what he was saying there. I'm not anti pot by any means....just against doing it on a constant daily basis, when you do it's a problem as serious as alcoholism. Anti-depressants can take several weeks to really make a significant difference in your brain chemistry, please give them a chance to work properly and save smoking for once in a while.

 

I'm glad you spoke to your parents, even thought they may not fully understand why you're depressed, you can be sure that they are concerned and will continue to be there for you when you need them...continue to seek support from them when you need it and continue to see your doctor on a regular basis. If after a while you're still not feeling the meds are working enough, let him know. Sometimes it can take experimentation with a few different anti-depressants to find the one that is just right for you.

 

You now have a solid plan to get out of debt and when you do, it will also have an impact on your mood. Carrying around debt is like a dead weight...you'll feel a profound sense of freedom and accomplishment once you've dealt with it and that's only a few months away so stick to your plan on that.

 

It's good that you haven't pinned too many hopes on the girl. Continue to work on yourself and when you're feeling better you can start to focus on looking for someone to have a relationship with.

 

Working at a call centre can be difficult. I have a friend who works at one for Rogers and it's very stressful and regimented. Re-reading your first post, it doesn't sound like the best work environment for you, but try to stick it out for now until you get your debts paid off and then start to look at something else that's more suited to you. Maybe you'll even decide to go back to school either full-time or at night.

 

You've taken really solid steps to help yourself and you should be proud of yourself. You sound very intelligent and intuitive and I know that you can get a handle on all of this and completely turn things around. You have all of the tools you need to build an amazing life for yourself and you will.

 

We're always here for you.