i still want him back but i've turned a corner...

[lightandmagic]

my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. he's been depressed for a while, and while i know he cares (cared?) for me a lot, he couldn't commit himself the way that came s naturally to me. the phrases "too intense" and "claustrophobic" were often uttered.

 

he said he needed space 'to figure himself out'. i bawled and kicked and screamed (metaphorically) for a couple of days. then i only spoke to him when he emailed to sort out personal admin (although we still haven't done the Giving Stuff Back thing). We were both at a (very small) gig a week later and he didn't speak to me. in keeping with giving him space, i didn't appproach him, and chatted to a couple of rather attractive male acquaintances he'd never met. i emailed him the next day (hungover, devastated) asking if he'd had fun and he sent me a jolly one back. i never replied.

 

i called him after 5 days of silence. i put on a big grin and we had a conversation that was 10/10 for laughter and enthusiasm, on both parts. i left it first, and he said it had been good to talk to me, although i still don't know if that was just because it had appeased his own guilt.

 

no more contact for a few days. each day got harder. i cracked, text him and said i missed him. he emailed a very sterile email a few days later ("Thanks for your message the other day. I'm not sure how best to respond I'm afraid. I'm sad to hear that you're finding things difficult. I would like to think that there was something that I could do to make things easier." and so on). he says that i was asking him to make a difficult de scion (although i didn't realise there was one to be made, i thought it already had) and that he still thinks he's more comfortable dealing with things on his own. he always puts a kiss at the end of his emails. i know that's nothing, but it drives me mental, because he never did it before we started going out and it's not his type of thing really. he's a very detached person, generally, and i'm one of the lucky few in his life at the moment who have seen his tender side.

 

the email made me a bit angry. i sent him a rather long one back. all the way through i emphasised that i wanted to be with him, but i told him that i can get on without him ("I'm having fun, just like I always do. I know that there's nothing I can do with this situation, that it's out of my control. So I'm just getting on with my life, like I always did. Maybe better than I ever did."), that i'd leave him to it ("I know that if you want to, you'll come to me, even if it's just for a chat and a catch-up. But I'll not go to you, because just now you obviously think your life is far better without me in it.") and chucked in a reminder of my better qualities (ending that with "I don't feel bad about myself, I know that one day I'll make some man happier than most.").

 

that was a few days ago. after that i felt like there was a weight off me. i still cry, but it's not as bad. i feel a little more empowered, and i'm more into believing the "it's him that's missing out!" adage.

 

i guess no one can comment on it without seeing the whole thing. and i suppose i'm not looking for constructive (or not so!) criticism, although chip in if you like. but after looking at this forum tonight, and liking it, i though i'd say hello and tell you all my story. i'm not sure where i'm going, and hard as it is at times, that fact is part of the fun.

 

(also, i'm not sure how tight the mods are around here with "the right forum", so apologies if this is in the wrong place. it's just that my head, while i am trying to get over him, would welcome him back with open arms, after being nonchalant and making him sweat for a few days, of course )

[lightandmagic]

Aw, no words of encouragement? Or maybe i already have it figured out?!

[Lilacs]

lightandmagic, sounds like you have a good perspective on things. If he decides that he wants to make it work, then great, if not, you'll be fine Good luck.

[buckdawg]

sometimes it seems when we make that last ditch effort and it's rebuked that's like closure on the whole thing. i used to hate the word 'closure', thought it was silly. i feel differently now. a week ago a made very similar statements to my wife as you did in your letter to no avail. i felt like donkey dung the next few days but it's really helped me focus on what i need to do.

 

keep up the good work, you're doing fine

[anna1]

my break up situation was very similar. my ex is also quite detatched but i still feel happy that i was let in to see the more 'tender' side. he broke up with me for the fact he needed/wanted to be alone, and that it had gotten so intese in such a small amount of time.

i still love him, this happened less than two weeks ago and i've been the only one initiating contact, but that was straight after the break up.

sadly, id still do anything to get him back, and i know that, in my mind at least, i wouldnt hesitate if he asked for another chance.

you seem to be coping really well with this, i went through the same 'kicking screaming' phase, and i still do feel like crying when i think about how good it was, ir could have been.

i've learned that people deal with things in different ways, i like having people around me, i appreciate loved ones' help, but there are people like this who prefer to go it alone, and perhaps get too scared, so decide to back out.

i really hope it works out for you, you seem to have a healthy attitude towards this all.

remember, and just think, if your relationship was that good, if he doesnt come to his senses and come back, then do you really want to be with someone that let's go of things so easily?

the one thing im telling my self over and over is basically, if he comes back, fantastic (make him work for it though obviously) but if he doesnt, there will be many more who see in me what he did - his loss!

[thinkstoohard]

sometimes it seems when we make that last ditch effort and it's rebuked that's like closure on the whole thing. i used to hate the word 'closure', thought it was silly. i feel differently now. a week ago a made very similar statements to my wife as you did in your letter to no avail. i felt like donkey dung the next few days but it's really helped me focus on what i need to do.

 

keep up the good work, you're doing fine

 

donkey dung? that's a new one. made me snort my water from my nose!!

[buckdawg]

donkey dung? that's a new one. made me snort my water from my nose!!

 

stupid language filters force be to be creative. what can i say?

[lightandmagic]

having a good attitude about it is the easy part, putting it in practise is harder! today has been pretty hard, i still worry that he'll just forget me, that he's moved on, that he doesn't care. when i'm tired (like today), it all just feels that bit worse.

 

i'm totally the same to you in that i always appreciate help from loved ones, and it's really hard to relate to those who isolate themselves.

 

i'll keep an eye out for you on here, and see how your situation unfolds too!