PrincessBOT Out...

[PrincessBOT]

I am finally admitting that I am just going through the motions. I feel a hint of excitement then pure fear of being hurt again. It's been 5 months and I started dating again a little over a month ago. My experiences have just caused me to decide that I just can't deal with this right now. I am not ready and I may not be for a while.

 

I dated the doctor finishing his residency. We went on one date, but couldn't seem to make time for the next. I knew his time was limited and his schedule awkward, but I took it personal that he didn't make time for me. To me that was a sign that he wasn't interested enough. I started thinking about getting hurt if I let myself like him.

 

I went on a couple of dates with a guy 19 years older than me. I couldn't even look at him because he seemed like my father. I was thinking well the fool is the person that keeps doing the same thing thinking they are going to get different results. So why not date someone more mature? We have nothing in common.

 

Then I dated successful professional, 12 years older than me divorced with two kids. I felt excitement, but then fear. All I could think about is being hurt when it ends. So I started backing off.

 

I dated the 31 year virgin and aspiring artist, who doesn't even know he is gay. I couldn't believe it that someone could be so gay and not know it yet because he is a virgin. The man discussed my hairstyle, clothing, decorating, how he likes my nails, chick movies, how he finally found someone who trims his eyebrow the way he likes, how he met a man on a train and exchanged numbers because they had things in common, calls me sista(with a twang in his voice), swing his hands with a slight twist of the wrist.... In the end I had a better time with him than any of my other dates. Gay guys are have the most fun and are great to hang out with even if they don’t know they are gay yet.

 

Anyway this morning while drinking my tea and reading how Brahman got engaged to his long time girlfriend even though he didn't love her, I got scared as heck. His story seems to fit how I see my ex as feeling. My ex professed his love and readiness to get engaged after almost 1 1/2 years. Then a few months later he couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with me. You don't do that to someone you love and I can't figure out that you don't love me if you are telling me you do.... It scares me and breaks my heart over and over again that people can stay with someone so long like Brahman did with his ex and my ex with me and fundamentally string them along.

 

 

 

 

 

Deep, deep, deep down inside me I know that I am forever changed. I tried not to admit it, to persuade myself that one day I can open myself to trust someone with my feeling, desires, past and future hopes. I know that I won't be able to not the way that I was once able to. I'm so sad that I am officially damaged goods and carrying baggage.

 

Somehow I bounced back and still had hope when I was younger, but it's different now. When I was younger I guess I could understand how immaturity could cause people to act without regard to how their actions would affect others. But at this stage it is just incomprehensible. It's almost like it's a game.

 

I guess I hold people to higher standards because I hold myself to them. I know me, I know what I want in life and I know the qualities of who I want to be with. If I don't know then I take time to figure it out, right away. I am on speaking terms with my ex and people who I dated, but decided they were not for me. Why? Because I was clear or took time think about if that person was for me. I was honest as soon as possible. I didn't use anyone for comfort, time, money or until I found the next best thing. I could do it when I was 23, 24...29 why couldn't or wouldn't others do the same. Especially why wouldn't someone who I let get so close to me and let them know how important those things are do it. Why do they use it against you? They use it to figure out how much time they have to basically string you along.

 

Ok, that's enough ranting...

 

I am just not ready to deal with dating, falling in love, questioning whether I love someone or someone loves me or if I am going to be hurt, trying to read into their actions despite their words.

 

I am not ready yet and I don't want to possibly hurt anyone else. I am sure there are some genuine people out there, I pray I meet one when I ready to love.

 

For right now I am signing off of dating, off ENA, off this search for companionship and love. I will work on other aspects of my life and hopefully one day in the future when the disappointment and fear has subsided and I am happy again I can share it with someone who knows who they are and want they want.

 

Thanks to everyone on ENA for their support and insight. I also hope I have helped others when I was able to.

 

Good Bye (for now).

[yellow_sweater]

Princess,

 

If you were a guy, I'd ask you on a date.

 

With that out of the way, I'd like to kindly suggest that perhaps you could work on being less hard on yourself. IT'S OK that you're not ready. Repeat that: IT'S OK to not want a relationship. IT'S OK to be confused. IT'S OK to feel hurt. IT'S OK to try your hardest and be disappointed when it's not enough. IT'S OK to be really frustrated when you act like an adult and no one else does. IT'S OK to feel taken advantage of when you're a really good person and no one cares.

 

It's all part of being human. Of course, it still sucks, but truly, IT'S OK.

 

In fact, IT'S AMAZING that you have the self-knowledge to understand where you are within your life journey. You understand that you're not ready. You understand that you're carrying baggage. You know that you're not ready to deal with it.

 

You have no idea how many people do NOT realize this, and continue to blindly stumble forward, flail about, reaching out and pulling down other people to their low level.

 

I'd like to point out that there are tons of other boards on ENA that don't have to do with romance and dating. You can always continue to post in boards such as Personal Growth.

 

Good luck. Be well.

 

YS

[orchidrose]

yellow_sweater, great post, as always. I just tried to reputation you but it told me that I couldn't do it again!

 

Princess, I echo yellow's sentiments. I went on a date a month after my breakup (I know, way too soon) thinking that I would at least have a nice time with a nice guy, and I ended up sobbing the entire train ride home. I've gone on one date since, and the guy was nice, suggested we get together again, and then fell off the face of the earth a few days before what was supposed to be our second date. It's very easy to get frustrated, especially in light of a breakup. But, as you said, you can bounce back. It may get harder with each fresh breakup and failed relationship, but it's still very much possible.

 

Good luck, whatever you do.

[brahman]

Princessbot, I'm sure what I did to my GF and what your BF did to you seems to be a terrible thing. You are right, this is a terrible thing. I was afraid of hurting someone, that was my biggest fear. See me and my ex have broken up 3 times now. Every time we did in the past, she has always came back begging saying we can work things out. I was a chicken $#%t for not realizing that I would be hurting her a million times more if I didn't do it when I did it the first time. I do hope you can forgive the retards of the earth, because there are some really decent people out there, and to lock yourself up and avoid them would be a tragedy that no one should suffer.