I have NO clue what I am doing..wow.

[AngryHeart]

This place really has been my "crutch" these past 3 weeks. I'm sorry to keep asking for advice, but I really have no clue what I am doing. OK, basically the ex walked out on me after an argument..if you want to even call it that. I realsie I could have been more supportive, but I wasn't horrible or anything...he said he want going for a walk, neevr came back. I text and called him asking what he's doing, begged and blah blah. He said he "I can't give you 100% of my attention and I won't" I'll admit I can be needy, but I was getting A LOT better and he always said so too. Again I text him asking him to come back and talk (we had such a nice weekend planned too He text back "I'm going on a pub crawl and turning my phone off, see you later" I left it thinking he just needed time to cool down. The next afternoon I text him again saying sorry (eventhough I believe he acted out of line and went way OTT) and asking if he wanted to talk. No answer. Then about 5 days later he tells me "I have never said anything bad about you and never will, I have no hate towards you. I will always consider you a friend (WHAT) and hope you find Mr Right one day" I didn't reply cause I was too hurt. Later that night he texted me something random and nothing to do with anything...the next day I replied trying to be cool....then I couldn't, I told him I missed him etc.etc. He ignored it. Then basically I went one week NC, read something on here about acting uneffected to get them back.

 

So I text him yesterday, I thought I'd try something different out - LC and acting like I was ok. So I told him I agree with the break up atlough I wanted it to work out, but we can be friends. No answer. I call his mobile and it's switched off....I've still not heard anything. It's unlike him to turn his phone off, unless he's gone into depressed and stressed mode. I keep changing my mind. I keep thinking "I'm gonna go LC to win him back", "no, I can't talk to him it hurts too much", "I'll tell him I love him and that I can't do this and walk away" What the hell do I do?!?!? He's gonna think I'm playing with his head ebcause I've said we can be friends, then we can't, then we can. I'm not playing games I am generally really confused. I love him to bits but I guess I smotherd him? I know I need to be more dependant and if he came back I'd do everything it takes. As I said I was already working on it and getting results. But he already wanted out. He has done this before, but it only lasted about a week. Then he asked me to meet him and we got back together for just over a month. Really what am I doing? I'm a mess. I donnot know what to do, how to go about it, and how to STICK with it. I just keep believing he will see sense and come back...

 

Sorry this is a bit long...I realllly would appreciate unbiased advice. I feel like I'm going crazy, and eventhough he broke my heart - I don't wanna drive him crazy too. Do I need to walk away once and for all? But then what if he contacts ME? I am angry at him, I'm hurt by him, but I keep thinking if I put those aside and act unbothered it will "win" him back

 

](*,)

[delerium6]

If you're planning on an LC route, I'd probably at least let the holidays and New Years Eve pass without contacting him again before evaluating where you are at, and what the next step should be (if you choose to do any 'next step' with him). Take a breather.

 

You're kind of at the same point I'm at... 3 weeks after the breakup. I know you are not playing games, you are just having a wide range of emotions that oscillate throughout the day, I'm guessing.

 

For me, I'm usually in one of these three emotions regarding my ex:

Emotion A - I'm cool, healing, looking to the future, and strong

Emotion B - Sad, in the dumps, letting memories of her flood my mind, even plotting to do some sort of contact after a month or two of settling my mind down.

Emotion C - Bitter, sour and a bit angry toward what happened.

 

I swing between A, B, and C like a pendulum. During the daytime I'm a bit more A and a little C. But first thing in the morning or late at night, I'm definitely more B.

 

Anyhow, sorry to go off on a tangent like that. But staying out of contact for a while until you've taken a breath and decide which course to take, if any, is probably the best bet right now.

[AngryHeart]

I am just the same...you hit the nail on the head.

 

Thank you for your advice

[helifreak]

I feel you on points A, B and C! I am usually much happier at night and feeling okay, but then I wake up I have to try really hard to shake off this deep sadness.

 

Another thing I do is run through my head all the ways it could have been different. I believe that this and that could be different, but it doesnt matter now because its in the past.

 

Angryheart - I feel what you are going through. I feel like I was needy during the relationship and looking back on it, i feel like its all her fault! Just kidding of course, but really, there were times she would say something and act completely different, and I would look for her to reassure me what she said was true. When she acted differently, i would push for more validation. It made sense that she wouldnt give it to me because she was feeling resentment and when I looked for validation, it just pushed her even further by re-enforcing those thoughts in her head that made her resent me in the first place.

 

I think that you should definitely limit contact. For one, you need to level off a little. Also, you say your not needy but then your actions might say otherwise. Another thing is that, for me at least, to be able to go a week without contact made me feel a little better about myself and made me think that I really can do that, as hard as it was, and maybe I really am not as needy as she may think.

 

I would lie if I said I am not playing games and trying to win her back. But the thing I realized is that I dont want to continue with the way things were. I want her to know me for me and not what she thinks I am. As far as contact goes, I just ask myself if this contact or that contact is just an attempt to play games or is it real. It may be that I have nothing to say and I dont talk to her, or something will come up and I talk to her. I dont text her just to get a response, but I am not cold at the same time.

 

I guess the best game you can play it just be yourself and let go of trying to play games.....Be who you want to be and they will see it, at the very least, you will feel better about yourself.

 

 

lets see if that stick for me now!

[AngryHeart]

I'm the other way around - I feel worse at night. Nights and mornings are a nightmare!

 

Thanks for your reply, heilfreak. So do you think that when/if he does contact me LC is better than NC? Should I just leave it how it is now and wait for him to contact me..if he ever does?

[helifreak]

Honesty, I dont really know! If I did, I dont think I would be here!

 

I have alway slept with the TV on at night, I usually cant stand silence and it drives me nuts, but ive been having this urge to turn off all the lights and wrap my eyes and ears in a towel and just be quiet. I half expect some mystical light to pop in my head telling me all the answers, but most of the time all I can think about is how I forgot to feed the fish!

 

After doing this a few times, Ive started to feel much calmer during those times. These thoughts of love and comfort pop into my head. I feel like I can feel the connection I have with my family, friends, my dog (he is usually laying on me breathing in my face anyway!) and of course, my ex. It gives me a chance to stop thinking about all the hurt and pain and missing, etc and focus on just love.

 

It doesn't really solve my problems but it clears my head a little bit so that the next day I don't carry the weight of all the previous days. Maybe you should try it. Another way to do it is submerge yourself in the tub (just dont drown) and block out all your senses. It may help you to think more clearly.

 

As far as your ex, I dont know. The thing is that if you dont talk a few days hes not going to forget about you. NC for 6 months is different than a few days or a week. Maybe just chill for a few days and see how you feel. If he contacts you just do what you feel is right, gauge it if and when it happens and just be yourself, don't gush forth all your emotions and try to force anything. if the conversation last a few minutes and you want to talk for hours, just know there may be another chance.

 

If he never speaks to you again, that would suck, horribly, but be honest with yourself. If you had a magic spell to bring back your ex, would you want to be with him knowing he wasnt there on his own accord? I mean, I wish there was such a thing, but if you listen to your feelings, and I mean your TRUE feelings, I dont think you would want to be with someone just because they HAVE to be there.

 

one last thing, you dont have to do anything or decide anything, just take it one day at a time and try to sort out your feelings and make sure your not doing something because of a strong urge at that moment. I mean, if you hear a sad song and miss him dearly, dont rush to the phone. Play it cool and let your emotions settle before you decide what your next move is. There would have been plenty of times when I would have told my ex to go to hell and then ask for her to come back, but you just have to sit with those feelings and see where they go before you act on them

[tsarevnaelena]

The thing is, would you be OK if he got back to you and you started to initiate LC? I think that is really key. In a way NC at least gives you distance. With LC, you'd have to pretend to be OK with things until they resolve themselves and you're back together or until you really are OK with things. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. He sounds really confused too about things, which is not helping you I'm sure.

 

*hugs* It is soo hard! I completely understand how you feel.

[pryda]

The way you talk about "acting as if everything's OK", that's probably your problem right there. You say you aren't playing games, but really you are - you're acting, pretending, and essentially lying, not only to him, but to yourself too. And I don't think this is the way to go.

 

With NC, you will heal and become GENUINELY apathetic to the situation so you won't need to pretend everything's cool - everything WILL be cool. If your mentality is more genuine he'll probably be more likely to respond in the way that you want him to.

 

I know it seems counterintuitive. I had a break-up 4 weeks ago too and I'm not over her yet. But I'm starting to see that what people say here is right, it's good guidance. I'm gonna get a chance with my ex but I'm not gonna be mentally able to take that chance until I've healed, moved on and regained my self-confidence. So from now on, I'm gonna be strict NC, I'm not gonna overanalyse anything she does, I'm not gonna spend my nights thinking of ways to get her back. I'm just gonna let go.

 

Maybe you should too. One day, hopefully soon, you'll get a chance and you'll be ready to take it. But right now you aren't in the right mindset at all.

[rvision]

I think you need to take this time to work on yourself and build your own self esteem and confidence up. It sounds as if you have some underlieing issues you need to address and fix before your ready to go back into a R'ship otherwise your end up making the same mistakes again. If not with him, someone else.

 

I know its tough, im going through it to. But seriosuly try not let it get you down to much. and if you do make sure you move forward a few steps each time. Its a waist of anyones life to not move on and be happy with oneself before you will find love in others.

 

From my 365 days of Buddahst quotes today:

 

Only in the reality of the present can we love, can we awaken, can we find peace and understanding and connection with ourselves and the world.

 

A x

[AngryHeart]

Yeah, true If you had the magic solutions you would ave posted them on here, and NOBODY would be here, lol.

 

 

He texted me like 8 days ago saying I could text him if it makes me feel better, but he may not answer right away (the hell? So I asked for advice, read things up etc. didn't reply and went NC for like 6 7 days, then read something here "The Perfect Plan Match II" or something and wanted to put it into action. So I text him, no answer and his phone was off. Still not heard anything. So I have like no clue what to do! guess you are right and I need time to think things through properly...but I can't seem to come to a final desicion! And I don't get why he is ignoring me, and if he's not why his phone was/is off ](*,) This is doing my head in, lol.

 

 

 

I'm not sure...that's the thing. I really don't know what I want. I think I'd feel a lot better if it was HIM that came to ME and THEN we went into LC. But I'm so worried that he won't...he is soo stubborn! He may kind of "punish me" because he doesn't wanna look weak or whatever...that's why I don't know if I should do NC or not.

 

lol, don't wanna make this post too long - so thanks everyone for replies...appreciate it. Any more advice is great - the more the better.

[greensleeves]

I know what you're going through too...3 weeks for me as well. and I know how tough it can be. I know from your thread the other night that you also have alot of other stuff to deal with. I really think that you should just hang back and do nothing for now. It'll give you a chance to sort out your feelings. Also, you're worried about what is the right thing to do here. I read in one of SuperDave's threads something along the lines of "If you do nothing, you can't screw anything up." Seems like pretty good advice to me, because it's so easy to say the wrong thing when your emotions are ruling your brain. You're obviously a very sweet, pretty and intelligent girl, so if the ex doesn't come back, you can be sure that someone else will come along who will probably be better for you. Plus, in the meantime, you will have learned alot about yourself and want you want in a relationship. You really can't lose if you take this approach.

[AngryHeart]

Yeah, life is reallly messy and stressful right now. I have decided to go NC...or try. I will only contact him or answer him when I am sure I am ready. I mean he said he wants to be friends, he isn't exactly jumping at the chance! I text him the other day about being friends - no reply. I think he may be annoyed at me because I went into NC and ignored HIS last text. But I mean HELLO, he dumped ME! And the last text was cocky too (or at least I took it that way, and so did others) Soo yeah, NC and see what happens from there. It is sooo hard though. Thanks for thr advice and compliments!

[CreoUCLA]

Yeah, life is reallly messy and stressful right now.

 

Take your time... It really gets better (if you let it), in time. I'm only 2.5-3 months out from a ~6 year relationship, and I feel like I'm enjoying life (friends, family, self-development, etc.) so much more. Of course I still think about/miss her, but I'm smiling all the time now because I know my life will be grand with or without her.

 

-Mike-