Problem with girlfriend

[ebp123]

I've been with my current gf for 14 months now. She's a good girl but she is extremely sensitive. We started dating one month after i got out of the army. I'm far from sensitive and emotional, but i treat her well and show her affection as best i can. We fight a lot and nearly 100% of the time she is getting mad at me for something that half the time I didn't even know i did, so its really hard to control. She is crying over something I did or did not do at least 4 times per week....it may be over my tone of voice, me having to tell her that im going to be late, or my phone beeping while we are together because im getting a txt message from a guy friend, and she suspects its a girl etc etc etc. This makes it very difficult to love her and i dont think i will ever be able to unless things change. My problem is that she is nearly obsessed with me and head over heals in love with me, and although iam not very emotional or sensitive, i do care for her and do not want to tear her world apart by breaking up with her especially around Christmas...her birthday is also on new years. What is the best way to get her to calm down? I dont want to break up with her but she is making me miserable. When i try explaining things to her she just doesn't seem to listen and says im being a jerk or an * * * * * * * . Is there any hope with this kind of person? She is just turning 21 and im kinda hoping that she will relax as she gets older, but i dont know how much longer i can take this.

[free2Bme]

Hi there

A lot of us have insecurities, me for one, and I can't even pin point why.

 

Maybe something from her past has caused her to have a suspicious / insecure mind?

 

You need to tell her exactly how this is making you feel, she may have no idea, seeing as you are not the sort to let your feelings show. Offer her some reassurance, and let her know that you are with her because you WANT to be, but make it clear that she is starting to push you away a little. She is obviously not accepting you for who you are.

 

 

[nuttybuddy]

areed with above. please try to communicate with her. communication is key.

[Pinkbunny]

Hi there

A lot of us have insecurities, me for one, and I can't even pin point why.

 

Maybe something from her past has caused her to have a suspicious / insecure mind?

 

You need to tell her exactly how this is making you feel, she may have no idea, seeing as you are not the sort to let your feelings show. Offer her some reassurance, and let her know that you are with her because you WANT to be, but make it clear that she is starting to push you away a little. She is obviously not accepting you for who you are.

 

 

 

I totally agree with this. Tell her how her behavior is making you feel. If she's crying 4x's per week maybe she is depressed or something. Ask her if she's okay or if something else is bothering her that she has not told you yet.

[Darkness_Falls]

I can speak from the point of view of an over-sensitive person. I am sensitive to many things, and yes tone of voice is one or someone saying they are going to be late. Tone of voice relates back to high school and my parents, basically I start crying whenever I feel I am being "told off" so I think that's where that came from for me. And someone saying they are going to be late makes me think that they could possibly be up to something behind my back, which relates to a few bfs who have done this to me. So I would say have a chat with her and try to figure out why she is like this. I am depressed but getting help, maybe she is depressed as well.

 

You know the one thing that really pushed me to try harder to get myself out of depression? Was when my bf told me that it was getting hard on him to cope with me being down so much. This totally gave me a kick up the * * * * to try harder and I have been and the last 3 days I have been so much better because I am working on my issues much harder.

 

You need to speak to her about how she is feeling and where her insecurities come from and reassure her that you love being with her but that its getting harder for you to cope with her the way she is.

 

Hope that helps.

[karvala]

This makes it very difficult to love her and i dont think i will ever be able to unless things change. My problem is that she is nearly obsessed with me and head over heals in love with me

 

There it is, right there. It is certainly easily possible to blame her for the way she is behaving, and see it as abnormal, but that would miss the point. The situation is: she loves you a lot, you don't love her (for whatever reason, and there's nothing wrong with that), and she is sensitive to that. All of the demonstrations that you get on an almost daily basis are manifestations of her pain at that situation, and her attempts to put pressure on you to relieve her pain by being more affectionate and convincing her that you love her. That, and that alone, will help her to relax. Of course, to do that, you either have to find a way to love her, or fake it in a very convincing fashion (and she will be highly sensitive to faked emotion), or break-up with her. It's not going to simply go away over time; therapy might at least help her to build her self-esteem and perhaps invest less of her happiness in being with you, so that's an option, but essentially it comes down to: love her, or leave her.

[NewPhillyGuy]

love her, or leave her.

 

 

Exactly. If this is the way she is, you may not be able to change that. You either accept that or move on. Gotta tell you, with all of the girls who are gold diggers, cheats, or just play mind games, I'd take this girl over them any day.

[Gratsy]

Either you have to do some major changing or she has to do some major changing. Personally, if I had to make this many adjustments in a relationship, I'd just leave before it became serious. Here is a clue that the relationship isn't right: If one of them is crying more than 2 times a month (thats a lot more than normal, to) and its because of the other SO, then its not a good relationship and needs to end. Crying should happen when people die, etc and once in a super long blue moon if they hurt you.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Either you have to do some major changing or she has to do some major changing. Personally, if I had to make this many adjustments in a relationship, I'd just leave before it became serious. Here is a clue that the relationship isn't right: If one of them is crying more than 2 times a month (thats a lot more than normal, to) and its because of the other SO, then its not a good relationship and needs to end. Crying should happen when people die, etc and once in a super long blue moon if they hurt you.

 

I definitely do not agree with that. Some people will cry more often than others. That does not necessarily mean that the relationship is no good.

[Gratsy]

I think crying shouldn't happen unless there is a good reason.

[Darkness_Falls]

Woman in particular can cry a lot around their period because of hormones, depends how it effects them. Personally, I cry during that time and over the last few months I have cried every other night because of depression. Sometimes there doesn't even need to be a reason, its just good to cry and let things out on someone's shoulder.

[FuzzyKitten]

I think crying shouldn't happen unless there is a good reason.

 

Well what is a good reason to you? You can't help what is going to make you cry.

[Gratsy]

Just my two cents so don't start yelling at me. I could be wrong, but...

 

I just think that there are ridiculous people out there who are melodramatic. We've all known these people. A real reason to cry would be when one is hurt over a betrayal, over death, over a failure, etc...

 

Crying every day because someone has said something to hurt your feelings means that there is something deeply wrong right now and they don't need to be in a relationship.

[Veroni]

Im a crybaby myself. I have a really big heart, and take everything in. Some guys can are ok with it, and some havent been. She isnt going to change, so you either have to accept that this is who she is, or find someone that isnt like that. I have not changed. I still cry when I feel like it. Its just how I am. I dont like to see it as a flaw, but some do. We all have our flaws, and if this is her worst one, then you are lucky. Figure out if you want to deal with it and move on, or accept. Either way, expect her to cry about your desicion. lol

[RayKay]

I disagree with some of the posters you need to just "communicate more" and live with it, as I am sure you are doing so now as best you can and as you are finding...some people take attempts to talk as a "slap in the face" too and will cry over that more....

 

Getting mad at you four times a week (unless you really ARE being a jerk!) for little senseless things where you are left in the dark is NOT normal or healthy for her, you OR the relationship.

 

I am a sensitive and compassionate person too...but I also know you cannot let those emotions control you and you need to think things through and you cannot let them COMMUNICATE FOR YOU. If I am in a disagreement with my partner, I realize it is the issue we are talking about, not attacking ME. Crying over a ringing phone or you being late (when you CALLED to let her know) I am sorry is just ridiculous. Relationships are about give and take and require communication, respect, honesty and trust....these seem to be lacking in this relationship if you can't even talk about things without her crying and she won't trust you past the front door so to speak without much reason for it.

 

She sounds VERY sensitive and insecure, and I don't think you need to just "adapt" to that as it is clearly making you miserable and compromising your life. She is very clingy and needy and for many people (myself included) that leads to a very imbalanced relationship (where you feel constantly on guard or apologizing for things you have not even done or afraid to bring things up lest they be hurt, even if it is not to hurt them).

 

It is not fair to YOU to be in the doghouse almost all the time as she is so insecure when you have not even DONE anything.

 

I would really evaluate what you want in a relationship and in an equal partner. I think she is many years off (and some life experience) from "maturing" in this respect and I don't want to see you dragged down in the meantime.

 

She does not even trust you (ie the text message thing). Without trust, you have nothing.

 

I would give it one last shot..sit down and talk to her about how her clinginess is pushing you away and clarify that when you bring things up it is to help you as a couple, not hurt her....and that

this MUST be worked on. This may mean personal counseling and therapy as clearly she has some issues to work out with those insecurities. If things don't improve in a timeframe you set yourself (ie 2 or 3 months) then you need to determine if it is really worth your sanity and emotional health (since you are miserable) to stay around.

[Gratsy]

Its just that I think that people need to be stronger. I'm not trying to be mean, but no one is going to take care of you or placate for you. You need to be able to be independent and take care of yourself. Crying comes from hopelessness and I think its a weakness if its done for silly reasons. This is a hard world to live in and if you're crying all the time, you'll be crushed. Get some backbone.

 

There isn't anything wrong with crying, but for good reasons.

[Darkness_Falls]

Everyone is different and their life experiences shape them. I cry a lot and I am sensitive because I was very hurt in the past by various people and I am just quite an emotional person. This does not make me "weak". If your gf is crying about things to do with trust issues then help her get to the bottom of them, or maybe tell her a counsellor could help her.

 

The thing I don't think a lot of people understand is that it isn't easy to control crying, I can't stop it, it just happens. But you could compare it to people getting angry, when they feel they want to punch a wall or something, and they do. It's a reaction.

 

She has trust issues that need to be worked on and are probably due to the past. She can change, believe me. Been there and currently doing that.

[RayKay]

But just as with anger, it does not mean it is fair to do to your partner. If someone punched their partner instead of crying over say a phone ringing, would it be justified? No...they need to learn to control their behaviour and not let their emotion control the way they react to everything, particularly that which is based in insecurity.

 

I agree she has huge issues, amongst other ones, but she needs to be the one to take responsibility for them and not place them all on him to "fix".

 

I have been hurt in the past too, and gone through a lot of loss, but that in no way would give me the right (nor do I automatically transfer it) to take it out on my partner when he has done nothing wrong.

 

This is really about maturity, and for things like this people need to take control of their OWN lives and work on themselves as you are doing, not expecting someone else to do it or take it out on someone else.

 

It is not fair to punish HIM for the mistakes of others, and there is a line between being a sensitive, compassionate person, and being simply overly-sensitive where it is impossible to have a healthy relationship because of it.

 

As I said, she needs to get help and he needs to express to her how damaging this is to the relationship AND him - hopefully she DOES get help. But if not, he is not insensitive for not wanting his future to be like this, when someone is this insecure it is emotionally draining and not fair to someone looking for a healthy, balanced relationship.

 

We really can't be a healthy partner to someone else until we are one to ourselves.

[Darkness_Falls]

Ok I didn't actually mean punching their partner. Most of my bfs have taken anger out in this way, not by punching me, but by punching a door or kicking a wall etc. So I have accepted this behaviour as the norm, hence my comparison. This may or may not be right but it is what I am used to with guys, although not with my current bf, he doesn't do this.

 

I don't think it's right to take things out on other people, I am sure there are people on here who have had plenty of that. The reason I can understand the other side to it is because I have the whole crying thing (although I do not blame my partner for anything, he just helps to support me through the difficult times) but also recently I have heard from a female friend that is very similar to the OP's gf. She blames her partner for things and is so insecure about herself. But the thing is that she is working on it now and as soon as she says something out of line, she recognises it and explains why she has said it. So I do believe it can be worked on if the person wants to.