I have "no hand". How do I regain it?

[friday]

I am a female , and in a situation where i have "no hand". Ok so i am casually seeing this guy, and have been for 2.5 months.

 

I am a bit of a chaser , and so i am the one who does all the calling. I just checked my calls list on my phone, and the last time he called me was on the 5th of December, however somehow we manage to see each other twice a week.

 

I said to him a couple of weeks ago that it is always me who does all the calling and he said "well thats how it is going to have to be for a while, because of work " blah blah.

 

I am considering going the notorious NC just so I regain a bit of control over this pathetic situation.

 

For example i called him on Monday to tell him something and he butted in and said he didnt know if he could see me this week because work is "crazy" and i was like, thinking, well, I wasn't ASKING to see you, I was just ringing for a chat.

 

Basically he has just become a little bit sure of himself and the level of interest I have in him, you know what I mean. Like he doesnt have to do ANYTHING.

 

I am so annoyed at how this has happened that, I am thinking of just NC. I am tired, its the end of the year, the years been crap, and I just feel so over everything, and making all the affort.

 

So I am going away home for christmas for about 2 weeks although I havent actually decided how long Im going for , but im thinking 2 weeks at this stage. I havent told him I am going. I'l probably leave in about 2 days.

 

I literally call him every 3 days, and this has to stop. I'm thinking of just leaving and not saying anything.

 

Has NC got any place in this situation?? Should i just forget this guy. I really like him and i dont want to mess it up through me clinging so much

[d24]

I'm gunna be blunt and it's going to sound a little harsh.

 

If he doesn't have time for you then there's no way you can build a meaningful relationship with eachother. Make sure he knows that stringing you along and making you do the chasing is unacceptable to you - and if he makes the effort - great. If not, you've saved yourself a lot of stress and potential heartache.

 

Best of luck with the NC (perhaps LC would be better at first?), I hope he wakes up (if that's what you want!). Merry xmas, happy new year - remember you can wipe the slate clean in 12 days if that's what you wanted

[Veroni]

Im posting a pasage from a book.

 

Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

If he calls you, call him back….

If he texts you, text him back.

If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.

If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).

On the flip side, it also means that:

If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.

If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.

If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.

If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.

This isn’t my version of “The Rules”. I’m not suggesting that you play games or

refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue

to be as real and authentic as you can be.

Just let him take the lead.

Because as I’ve said a number of times…

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.

If he doesn’t – if you feel you have to remind him that

you’re alive and interested - let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.

It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling

for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.

So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be

with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call

[friday]

That is excellent advice. I suppose its "re-training" myself. Its really really hard not to call.

 

How long do you think just NCing would result in a turnaround? Anybody?

[Veroni]

NC is not a tool to make the person see if they miss you or not. Its used to help you move on from a relationship that is not working. Nothing crashes plans more than expectations. Dont expect him to see the light. Use no contact so that you can see the light. Maybe you will realize you dont want him, or what you want from a man. If you choose to stop talking to him, make sure you are doing it for you, and not to get him back. Games dont work.

[d24]

NC is not a tool to make the person see if they miss you or not. Its used to help you move on from a relationship that is not working. Nothing crashes plans more than expectations. Dont expect him to see the light. Use no contact so that you can see the light. Maybe you will realize you dont want him, or what you want from a man. If you choose to stop talking to him, make sure you are doing it for you, and not to get him back. Games dont work.

 

 

The quote was good, but this is better. Change for yourself, not for someone else. However, training yourself above to find what it is you want from a man (when you're ready for another relationship, should this fail) then you'll be better equipped to start relationships that are better for you because you know what you're looking for.

 

Games do not work. NC is for reflection. After days, weeks, months or years of NC you may find yourself thinking of him and realising that he is what you want. That's when you break NC to see if he's still open to a relationship for you

[friday]

Games do not work. NC is for reflection. After days, weeks, months or years of NC you may find yourself thinking of him and realising that he is what you want. That's when you break NC to see if he's still open to a relationship for you

 

Thats true. I need to go NC for a breather for myself, as I feel that I have absolutely NO perspective on the situation at all.

 

I also am having great difficulty not calling, or texting ](*,)..

 

The longest i have gone is 3 days. Its pathetic. Doesnt matter how much a busy myself - that makes absolutely no difference, I always manage to do it

[Veroni]

Believe me, if you chase him, he will run. I learned that the hard way. When my ex said he needed time, I should said ok, and left him alone. He called me everyday, and we had the same conversation. WHY? I always wanted to know why. Do yourself a favor and let things happen as they will. The minute you start trying to manipulate the situation, it goes bad. Besides, You shouldnt have to convince someone that they care for you, or that they want to talk to you. I had to learn that the hard way and I set my healing process back by weeks.

[friday]

I just find it so hard not to call. I havent said to him I need time, and he hasnt said that to me either. He doesnt know how I feel about whats been going on. Its just the physical not calling part that I find so hard

 

If I can get to Saturday and then leave, my cell phone will be out of range and he wont be able to contact me anyway... unless he leaves a message.

 

I was thinkning about the passage Veroni that you posted about just doing what they do. >> If they call, call them back, if they dont text, dont text them..... trying to drum it into my head...](*,)

 

OK, when he doesnt call - I just start feeling desperate and wonder if he is seeing anyone else..... all irrational thoughts. Its the desperate feeling that I can't stand...... god whats wrong with me that I cant go 3 days without calling.](*,)

 

I spoke to him a little over 48 hrs ago.

[friday]

Do yourself a favor and let things happen as they will. You shouldnt have to convince someone that they care for you, or that they want to talk to you. .

 

 

So so true

[marleyma]

I dont have any new advice. just be happy with yourself and let him come to you. It will be a lot less stressfull on your part.

 

Also, all the replies to this post were great. This is why I read notalone.

[k8s]

yes you should def go no contact - but not as a game or to pay him back because he is not stepping up and you are getting on with your life, and seeing what else is out there. You always attract people when you have someone else- Murpy's Law! I was in the same situation I felt like I was living He's Just Not That In To You - because he wasn't sure neither was I because I had to hold my feelings back I just couldn't have a good relationship. 4 months later he wouldn't give me no contact space we could have had earlier to assess things and not take each other for granted. In the end I just decided I had had enough of worrying about it and constantly thinking it wasnt right every day and ended it. If we both had time apart to realize we were worse off without each other we would have had a better relationship without all the pain later, and not taken each other for granted - as they say if it's not great in the beginning it won't be great so if you play games and are negative or resentful that's what you will bring to the relationship if it progresses.