Fluttered with annoying thoughts tonight

[Crows]

So.. as many of you know, I had my coffee meeting with my ex on saturday. Which she initiated. It was great. Good times, no relationship talk. She wanted a hug, said she missed talking to me. Seemed to get a bit jealous and interested when I talked about my ex ex wanting to get back together with me.

 

She mentioned nothing about her supposid "new bf" she may or may not have.

 

It was all positive. She remenissed the days prior building up to the coffee meeting. Saying how well we know each other etc... how she missed my pj's and how a pair she bought the other day reminded me of her.

 

Last night I mentioned I missed her baked treats she used to give me from her bakery after work and she said i should come to the bakery before it closes down for good before the new year.

 

She seemed very stressed out, mentioned thoughts of doing old drugs she used to do and basically said her new kitty is the only thing that brightens her day sometimes.

 

Now my thoughts tonight are....

 

1.What do i do from here?

2.What is she thinking

3.What are her intentions

 

I wonder if she is puting feelers out.. .. at one point she got a mysterious call. I didnt hear the name, it was short and she was talking about reservations for the next day etc.

 

The biggest issue with the breakup was my jealousy... in a big fight. I bit my lip and looked away, asked her nothing about her new bf, just ignored. Pretented, I'm just here as a friend I DO NOT CARE.

 

I really do have a handle on my j ealousy i feel now.

[AngryHeart]

Hey Crows,

 

I'm also a very jealous person when it comes to relationships. I mean I'm only 19 so I have some maturing and finding myself to do anyway. But I am also jealous, and I'm insecure and can be needy/clingy. My ex is very independent and I think it took a lot out off him. I always worried he would cheat on me, etc. it wasn't anything HE done..it was me, my insecurities. I understand how you feel, thing is I was getting ahold of my issues just before he went..but maybe it was a case of the damage was already done. I dunno.

 

But anyway, it sounds like the meeting went well. You were right to turn away and bite your lip, well done for not saying anything, I realise hw hard that must have been! You handled it well. As you know, I can't answer your questions for you. But she is seeming to be very friendly towards you. I think if you play it cool and don't bring the relationship up unless she does, and all the other playing it cool stuff - you may well be in for a chance. I've got my fingers crossed for you

 

I would like to ask you - how do you think you can prove to an ex that you have ahold of your jealousy and needy issues? We're kinda in LC at the moment. Any thoughts?

[AutumnBorn]

Crows, what's your heart telling you to do? Do you want to get back together with her? Can you really keep your jealousy in check?

 

AngryHeart, how do you know you've got your anger and neediness under control?

[Crows]

Yes I do want to get back together with her. I really do think I have it in check.

 

Ok.. just wow.....................

 

I messaged my ex she came online....

 

"hey" whatever..

 

then she said her bf just came over to her moms house after drinking a 2/6 and is passed out.. and has been crying for 45 minutes...

 

 

WHAAAATTT?!

 

SHE SAID "il talk to you later, under better circumstances"

 

She said he's a recovering alchoholic!

 

What the hell..

 

sooo random!

 

and she said "i'm really sorry but i have to go"

 

This is soo weird....

 

it almost seems surreal.

 

i don't understand this at all..

 

could she be making this up?

[buckdawg]

oy vey. quite a mess you've gotten yourself into huh? lol

 

try to remember to do what's in your best interest no matter what you decide.

[AngryHeart]

Errrr...yeah, it's a bit fishy. Sounds to me like she's making it up to be honest. Why the hell would she go on there and randomly tell you that so quickly? If she had been crying for 45 minutes?!

 

AutumnBorn - I was getting it under control anyway just before he left. I was getting a lot better. Maybe it wasn't because of my neediness and jealousy why he left...I dunno he never gave me a straight answer. I guess I know I'd just do anything to get with him again....I'm hoplessly in love him with.....and BTW, I don't have problelems with anger towards him. I was always really good to him - it's more the other way around - I smotherd him if anything.

[Crows]

Errrr...yeah, it's a bit fishy. Sounds to me like she's making it up to be honest. Why the hell would she go on there and randomly tell you that so quickly? If she had been crying for 45 minutes?!

 

AutumnBorn - I was getting it under control anyway just before he left. I was getting a lot better. Maybe it wasn't because of my neediness and jealousy why he left...I dunno he never gave me a straight answer. I guess I know I'd just do anything to get with him again....I'm hoplessly in love him with.....and BTW, I don't have problelems with anger towards him. I was always really good to him - it's more the other way around - I smotherd him if anything.

 

yeah it does seem fishy.. to me.. I mean she flirted with me again and wanting to hang out with me again on saturday.. before all this happened to her bf.

 

Anyway.. to add: I had been drinking before our breakup.. I think she noticed it.. well she did smell it a couple times. It didnt have anything to do with our relationship but just me stressed about school.. I told her after we broke up about how much I was drinking.

 

Ive been to AA and she knows it.. she said on saturday she was impressed that i limit myself to two drinks now.

[TMinCali]

Crows,

first... STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT HER INTENSIONS ARE!

 

She is contacting you and showing you that she wants to be in your company. That's all you need to focus on. Period. Stop questioning if she's just "putting her feelers out" or "looking for a safety net". God, that bugs me more than anything when I read that on these boards.

 

STOP OVER ANALYZING!!!

 

Right now, it is up to YOU how things go from here. I know alot of people will not agree with me, but it's true. Only YOU have the power to turn this into what YOU WANT.

 

Do you want her back?? If so, give her a REASON to come back. That starts and stops with you. And that is my final answer

 

The minute you start trippin and questioning her motives is the minute you start acting unnatural. Just be you. Be who you are when you're with your closest friends. Because right now, whether you like it or not, she is your friend. If you want that friendship to turn into something more, you have to make her attracted to you and to make her feel her very best when she's in your presense.

 

Forget about the new bf. Forget about what happened in the past. You're starting over. Think of her as a new girl you just met and want to date. What would you do in that situation?

 

As far as you're concerned, she's a cool chick that you want to get to know. You don't care if she has a bf, you just know that you want to get her attention. How do you do that? What is your gameplan to make her attracted to you?

[AutumnBorn]

Why would she make up the story about the bf? It doesn't make sense to me that she would do that. Sounds like she just got online and told you what was going on. She sounds miserable.

[AngryHeart]

Do you have a good game plan we could use?

[TMinCali]

Do you have a good game plan we could use?

 

Yes. It's called being yourself. If you're not happy with yourself, then make some changes BEFORE you decide to contact your ex again.

 

They fell in love with us for who we were naturally. We had something that attracted them. During the relationship, we lost that.

 

Once contact is made again, and we can be that same confident, fun person, they will automatically be attracted to you again. This is guaranteed.

 

That's why I always talk about dumpees being the "victim". As long as we're in victim mode and questioning every move our ex's make, we're at a disadvantage. We were fabulous once and we can be fabulous again.

 

If you're still overly emotional and dont' feel you can contact your ex without feeling calm and confident, do NC until you are there. Once you have your head together and ACCEPT being their friend and possibly working towards something else, then make small attempts at talking to them. It's that first communication after the break up that puts our ex's in either a state of comfort or a state of guilt and confusion.

 

The power lies with us. The "dumpees".. God I hate that word.

 

Why on earth do we feel we don't have a role in how things go from here? We have alot more power than we believe. Rejection tells us that we're not worthy. But that's OUR OWN THOUGHTS. Get rid of that thought for good and become the awesome person you once were. It feels amazing!

 

And if all goes well, you'll actually have options once an ex come back around. Believe me, they ALWAYS come back. When you have options, it is now YOU that is making the decision if you want to get back or not. Not them.

[Crows]

Well i'm glad you say that. Becuase I was in complete un control for a bout a month after the break up. It's been 3 months now, since the break up. And I went NC, contacted her on her bday. She came to talk to me.. then LC for a while, she got more comfertable with me. Started chatting and having normal convos again.. then recently 16 days NC, she contacts me again this past week and flirts, talks to me for 2 hours, and asks me out for coffee, says she misses me and hugs me etc... now this..

[emalkoc]

I feel very powerful

 

I can win her back! period...

[emalkoc]

I also made SLIDE SHOW going into link removed...Add the LAST XMAS song by Ashley Tisdale...wow! with all our pictures from last Xmas...

 

I am crying even making it now...

[Crows]

Lets assume the happenings tonight are real.

 

Then unfortunately.. i have to go back to why she was reminissing with me, and being flirtatious and wanting to hang out with me quite badly and missing me.

 

My guess?: Problems with her bf go beyond this happening tonight.

[TMinCali]

Lets assume the happenings tonight are real.

 

Then unfortunately.. i have to go back to why she was reminissing with me, and being flirtatious and wanting to hang out with me quite badly and missing me.

 

My guess?: Problems with her bf go beyond this happening tonight.

 

Crows, please stop thinking too much and just go with the flow. The only thing you can control is you. Just be you and be the best you. Stop worrying about what she is doing and thinking. Change your perspective.

[emalkoc]

TM, can you please respond to my post as well ?

[buckdawg]

it's hard when our thoughts get out of control. i have periods where i can pretty much head them off at the pass and then i have other spells where i just sink further into the quagmire.

 

what's been helping me lately is constantly reminding myself that the only thing i can control is what's in front of me RIGHT AT THIS INSTANT. i can't control the past, i can't control the future, i can't control how she thinks or feels or acts, i can only control how i think or feel or act AT THIS VERY MOMENT. who knows what's going to happen in 60 seconds or 5 minutes or an hour? what happens will happen and we can only control ourselves.

 

sometimes when i get that tunnel vision, i try to step back and just look around. if i'm in my office i try to open my mind and take everything in. when i'm at home i look around, watch my cats play, watch tv, etc. it's tough and takes practice, lots and lots and lots of practice but i think i'm getting better at it.

 

anyways, crows, good luck to ya!

[feelingoldat30]

Wow, this is great advice, buckdawg, for crows and for all of us. I am going to try to put this into practice myself.

 

Crows, I too get into the bad habit of overthinking. And it just confuses me more! Sometimes if nothing else snaps me out of it, the thought of how crazy overthinking something makes me, makes me want to just stop it.

[pryda]

This post is very, very wise.

 

One the one hand, I would disagree that power lies with the dumpee - it's the dumper who made the decision and it's the dumper who will have to make the decision to take you back. However, the idea that the dumpee has more power than they probably believe, is a thought-provoking and very valid one. The dumpee is far from powerless.

 

While many of the advice given on here is pessimistic (there's nothing you can do, the dumper doesn't want you and that's final), this optimistic view must not be ignored. You WILL get a chance to reconcile with your ex, and their ARE things you can do to make sure you take that chance. But as TMinCali says, the first meeting is key. And making sure you're actually ready for this meeting is even MORE key. Most people miss these chances probably because they aren't ready and aren't truly confident. Those who are ready and confident do, irrefutably, stand a chance of flipping the balance of power and regaining that lost attraction.

 

Good luck.

[Crows]

Well I feel my first meeting went well. I'm not sure about the balence of power. but we both had a good time. laughing, joking, doing what we used to do. No relationship talk. I am still attracted to her... I don't know about her. But she asked for the hug etc.

 

I'm trying my best here. I feel I have done a very good job at positioning myself for a possible second chance. I just need to ride this wave without falling off and keep my emotions steady. I am getting better and better at it.

 

Last time when she mentioned her bf drinking a whole 2/6 and her crying.. I felt bad for her/him... not bad for me. I just thought .. "hmm wow"

 

Then within 2-3 minutes my head had cleared and I felt normal again. This is a great sign.

 

She apologized after she told me "im so sorry, you don't need or want to hear about this.... I will talk to you later at a more understandable time.. i really am sorry"

[emalkoc]

Keep doing Crows...They will come to you...

 

I have been talking to my ex over 1 hr online now...she first time said that she likes my smell in months...

 

but here is the key...we need to drive our own agenda not theirs..

 

Whatever you want, do it..Make them feel like they are not in the control..

 

I feel like JEDI again I have not felt like this over 6-8 mos...

 

Power be with you! hahaha

 

Eric

[TMinCali]

Keep doing Crows...They will come to you...

 

I have been talking to my ex over 1 hr online now...she first time said that she likes my smell in months...

 

but here is the key...we need to drive our own agenda not theirs..

 

Whatever you want, do it..Make them feel like they are not in the control..

 

I feel like JEDI again I have not felt like this over 6-8 mos...

 

Power be with you! hahaha

 

Eric

 

Eric,

you found your mojo! Congrats! It's a great feeling, isn't it?

 

I just got off the phone with Jxxx. He's going through some familiy issues, so I'm being here for him for support. I'm glad to know that he still feels he can come to me when he needs someone to talk to.

 

I never question if I should take his calls or if I should call him. I simply go with the flow. Just like you said, "whatever you want... do it!" BUT, do it with confidence

[emalkoc]

yeah yeah I found my MOJO..I even made her laugh online

 

I am going to talk to her before Xmas...I made this awesome slides for her from last year's pictures with Mariah Carey's "All I Want Xmas Is You". After I talk to her this week, I am going to send to her...

 

Then let it go!

 

Cheers

[thinkstoohard]

Dang guys! I am envious that ya'll are even able to have contact with your ex's. I am finally in a position to where my emotions are in check and can walk away w/o hesitation if need be, but she never returned my call from 9 days ago. Needless to say, we aren't even talking...

 

Keep up the good work!!!