Why don't I matter to anyone

[Proactive Paradigm]

No, really.

 

Over the past... year and a bit now, whilst recovering from a pretty nasty illness (I say recover, but I'm falling down again right now) I've become even more isolated than I was. I had a few decent friends but that's pretty much faded (to be fair, I did seclude myself due to how much pain I'm in), now all I have are 'part-timers', you know, the kind who only call you up when they need something or someone to spend their spare afternoon with, but when you need them, pshaw, nuts to you.

 

I'm going nowhere for New Years at this rate and that sucks. I didn't last year but was in no shape to; this year I feel strong enough to go out, just not get wasted. That limits my options a lot anyway, but having nowhere to go stomps it flat.

 

Why don't I matter to anyone? At work nobody cares I exist either. I have no issue with being branded as a lone wolf, but hell, loneliness hurts us all sometimes, no matter how we try to hide it.

[buckdawg]

not to leap to conclusions but my guess would be to start mattering to yourself.

 

is 'mattering' a word? lol

[sti_2004]

You said you secluded yourself over the past year so, now you gotta slowly get back in the mix. meet one person at a time, open up to all the people that thought you preferred being left alone.

 

1 by 1. step by step. set some goals. work hard to achieve them.

 

 

see where everyone at work is going for new years or maybe call your part- time friends and see what the haps is OR don't even worry about new years, its over rated and it'll be over quick.

best of luck!

 

what was your illness if you don't mind me asking?

[greensleeves]

If you've been secluding yourself it's easy for friends to fall away. But, if you made the choice to seclude yourself, it may be because that's what you needed at that time due to the illness, recovery, etc. There is a saying "To have a friend you have to be a friend". So probably the best thing you can do is start reaching out to people by taking an interest in them. People are drawn to people who are good listeners, so start by taking an interest in your work mates and old friends. Ask them questions about their lives, their families, their interests etc. and then really listen to their answers. That way, next time you see them, you have something to talk about.

 

I agree with the the comment above about not worrying about New Year's....it's not really a big deal. Instead, you could make some resolutions for the upcoming year, setting some goals about where you want your life to be and how you can achieve those goals.

 

Another way to help you feel that you matter to someone is to do some volunteer work....there are all kinds of people and organizations that need help and the bonus is that it will make you feel really good about yourself.

 

Also, I recommend a book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It's old (originally published in 1936) but is considered the definitive work on this type of thing.

 

Good luck with everything...you DO matter.

[Proactive Paradigm]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

Whilst it is true that I was a recluse due to illness and still feel the same way right now... I suppose I always have been in a way.

 

This week in fact I've attempted to become a friend to others, and almost achieved something. I was supposed to be going out tomorrow... but have been cancelled on at the near last minute. The reason for the cancel sounds legit, but of course I process it as being avoided, because everyone avoids me. ;(

 

And I still feel like crap for New Years even though I don't get the big deal over it either.

 

Again, thank you all.

[mgirl]

Hey proactive paradigm,

 

I would like to re-iterate what one other member asked and ask what is wrong with you (if you don't mind me asking)?

 

It's kind of tough when people do not hang around when you are ill. I had a friend whom this happened to before i met her and it was really sad. She is all good now, with a few good solid, loyal friends around her. She is a happy person.

 

Okay, so you were cancelled on at the last minute. Do not despair, just use it as an opportunity to suggest a re-schedule. Next time something like that happens, simply say, "oh cool, how about xxxx day" or something like that. Do not let one little closed door defeat you!

[ebizdiva]

I like your bitterness quote. I've never thought about it that way. As for not mattering to anybody it's kind of difficult to matter to people in seclusion. You say you want to go out and I say where there's a will there's a way. Check Craig's List or any other local event website. There are PLENTY of things happening on NYE. You don't have to get wasted. Go out and have fun and maybe think about ways to make new friends in the new year. You can always join clubs, groups or networking sites. There are plenty of people willing to be friends with positive, fun people.

 

Sharifah

[Proactive Paradigm]

Thanks once again.

 

In the end I was invited out twice on Saturday and ended up seeing two groups of people (well, one person in one case). Although I still feel ancillary to everyone involved it was nice to be a part of things for a change.

 

New Years is still screwed though. The web is pretty poor for activities in this neck of the woods (I have tried looking for groups and such before). Beyond the mentioned Craig's List are there any other networking sites? (Besides the MySpace kind - I don't have enough personality to make one of those worth anything). It seems I will end up by myself again; unfortunate that the one person I can always depend on in this world is someone I hate spending time with - me.

 

For those who asked about my illness, if interested PM me for the details, it is somewhat private.

[greensleeves]

New Year's is still a week away...

You mention that you don't feel you have enough personality and that you hate spending time with yourself. This is a bad frame of mind to be in, have you suffered depression due to your illness? You were invited out twice on Saturday, if your personality was so bad, I don't think you would have been invited anywhere Maybe you could develp some new interests in the new year?

[YME33]

It sounds like you are really down on yourself. One can never be happy with anything else unless they are happy with themselves. How do you do it though? That is the burning question and if you find the answer to it let me know as I am feeling very lonely right now as well. Still we have to keep on keeping on. Get back on that horse and get out there and find a friend. They are there you just have to find them. Still, the forums are here if you are feeling recluse and want to be social without being social. A very good friend pointed that out to me. I wish you the best of luck. A new year, a new frame of mind. Think about how far you have come over the past year and how much farther you will go this upcoming one. An upcoming year doesn't hinge on one night. So you don't have any plans for New Year's. Things could always be worse. Think about the year as a whole and the strides that you can make.

[Proactive Paradigm]

New Year's is still a week away...

You mention that you don't feel you have enough personality and that you hate spending time with yourself. This is a bad frame of mind to be in, have you suffered depression due to your illness?

 

No, depression was there about 6 years before I picked up my illness, and it certainly hasn't gone away during it.

 

Bizarrely, now when I am too ill to really be working and severely depressed... I am in permanent work, something I didn't manage those years before. Figures.

 

Can't take anything for it due to brain chemistry. Have done some therapy... might be time to do some big time therapy.

 

 

Maybe you could develp some new interests in the new year?

 

I sure hope so - I just don't know what to try, all my current interests are so isolated, obscure and/or immature.

 

It sounds like you are really down on yourself. One can never be happy with anything else unless they are happy with themselves. How do you do it though? That is the burning question and if you find the answer to it let me know as I am feeling very lonely right now as well.

 

Sadly the solution is very unlikely to come from me. Much more of my crappy days and I will be searching for a final solution to life itself, if you get me.

[greensleeves]

You are going through a very tough time, but it will get better. There is nothing wrong with having obscure interests, it would be a very boring world if everyone was run of the mill! When you say you will be searching for a final solution to life itself, what do you mean?

[Proactive Paradigm]

I think they have another forum on here relating to that, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. A lot.

[greensleeves]

If this is what you're thinking you need to get some help. I know life can be really hard sometimes, but the hard, scary times are always temporary. Actually, try to watch Oprah today if you get it where you are...it's people who have attempted suicide and survived, I'm goimg to watch it, it sounds interesting and maybe it will give the opportunity to see how people's lives can drastically change. (It's on at 4:00 where I live...you may not be an Oprah fan, but I think it will be a good one for you to see).

 

I don't know how old you are, or much about you other than it seems that you're feeling very down on yourself right now. Do you have parents or other family? You said you had been in some therapy for awhile...did you feel it helped you? You also mentioned the possibility of returning to therapy...can you set something up soon so that you can discuss these feelings that you're having with your therapist? Sometimes an illness can bring on depression or make existing depression much worse, you should talk to your doctor about this, maybe there are some new medications available. Please know that there are people in your life who care about you...sometimes you may feel alone, but you're not. And remember, we are here anytime you need to talk.