He wants me to delete myspace part 2

[nikkers04]

so for those who have been following my story here is an update along wtih the original post for those who havent.

 

 

 

so we had a long talk about the whole situation and he explained alot. I told him that I needed some time but I'll let you guys in on what he said.

 

I told him that its frustrating that I can't go out. He explained he doesn't mind if I want to go out but he would like to be included at least most of the time. And that he doesn't have a problem with me going out with the girls as long as its not downtown to go clubbing...(which makes sense to me) He just doesn't want me going out with the guys at least until he gets to know them.

 

I asked about the trust issue he pretty much said it isn't me he doesn't trust it's guys he doesn't trust.

 

I asked about why I had to delete myspace. He said I didn't have to delete it but he would like to go through my friends so I could explain how I knew each one and if I had something with any of them he would like me to remove them from my friend list.

 

I asked him why he gets upset when I get a text message from a guy and he said because I get defensive when he asks about them. which I do because I feel he should trust me with them...but I do get if I'm jumpy about it then that could be a sign of mistrust...so it could go either way there.

 

I told him that I wasn't goign to do anything else that might jepordize my social life and that he needed to understand there will be times that I will go out with my friends and he will not be included. I also told him that this is it. I'm not going to continue to put up with him being controlling and that he needs to make some sacrifices too. So we will see if he will make some changes for me.

 

what do you guys think about his reasonings? (again I told him i needed time to think before I decided what to do with him)

[Atticus90]

Would you like it if he had all girl friends? Well most? And he went out with them without you?

 

You need to have some empathy and not blame everything on him.

 

If you're willing to toss him aside for a couple guys and girls, then I see a big problem here.

[ryan123]

I think the "it's not you I dont trust its the other guys" is complete BS. He doesn't trust you. Because a guy just isn't going to come up to you and rape you...Unless he has some warped idea of how guys act or has been watching too much of the Lifetime channel.

 

But it seems like you made some progress with the situation...Now all you gotta do is progress with being yourself and see how he reacts and holds up to his end.

 

He's just saying that to justify his irrational jealousy.

 

Im glad my GF deleted her myspace though...IMO it's stupid. Unless you're searching for people that you haven't talked to in forever whats the point if you're in a relationship? You can talk to all your friends other places. And most of the people out there(that aren't your friends) are creeps adding you because you're "hot."

 

Don't contribute to the evil media giant that runs it. Boycott your Myspace account now!

[beauty21]

told him that its frustrating that I can't go out. He explained he doesn't mind if I want to go out but he would like to be included at least most of the time. And that he doesn't have a problem with me going out with the girls as long as its not downtown to go clubbing...(which makes sense to me) He just doesn't want me going out with the guys at least until he gets to know them.

 

Nobody wants to include him if he is spoiling the fun for everyone else. Why would anyone want him around? But if he is going to genuinely have a good time, no problem. As for your guy friends, they need to meet and get to know eachother. I agree with that.

 

I asked about the trust issue he pretty much said it isn't me he doesn't trust it's guys he doesn't trust.

 

That's why your male friends need to meet him so their will be no misunderstandings.

 

I asked about why I had to delete myspace. He said I didn't have to delete it but he would like to go through my friends so I could explain how I knew each one and if I had something with any of them he would like me to remove them from my friend list.

 

That's why I have a problem with myspace and facebook. I don't have a page on neither one but from reading posts on here they bring a lot of problems to the relationship. Just because you remove them IF you had something with them doesn't mean you won't find other means to contact them and hook-up if that is what he is worried about. Either he trusts you or he doesn't it 's that simple.

 

asked him why he gets upset when I get a text message from a guy and he said because I get defensive when he asks about them. which I do because I feel he should trust me with them...but I do get if I'm jumpy about it then that could be a sign of mistrust...so it could go either way there.

 

Understandable. You are his girlfriend and he knows none of those guys. If he is asking you who are they and you are catching attitudes and getting defensive then I would assume you are up to no good too. But I know sometimes even when I am telling the truth I get defensive, so yeah this can go either way.

 

told him that I wasn't goign to do anything else that might jepordize my social life and that he needed to understand there will be times that I will go out with my friends and he will not be included. I also told him that this is it. I'm not going to continue to put up with him being controlling and that he needs to make some sacrifices too. So we will see if he will make some changes for me.

 

Good girl. NEVER, ever lose your girlfriends for a man or any friend. Don't ever give up your freedom. We all need our freedom to keep our sanity. He has to realize that he has already done the things you are doing now. You are a young lady and there is no reason you shouldn't be enjoying every bit of your life. He should know this better than you.

[eric_]

tricky situation. he sounds like he has insecurity problems. i can understand that if he asks casually about some guy you are in contact with, it might make things worse if you get defensive. because then it might seem like you are trying to hide something.

 

it's really unhealthy for him to be so controlling and checking up on you all the time though. a little bit of jealousy here and there is not uncommon and can be easily solved by showing the other person that there is nothing to worry about, because you only want him... but going through each of your myspace friends seems really crazy.

 

have you done anything that would make it reasonable for him to be so paranoid? was he always like that ever since you started dating or was there some event that kind of set it off?

[Diablo7000]

i agree with atticus, you woudln't like it if he had a buncah girls ask him to go hang out at a movie and you're not invited, you'd for one feel left out, and 2 wonder what they are doing with him and what temptations they may throw his way,

[flower99]

reading your last post he sounds like a control freak.

How long have you two been dating? how long has he had a problem with your friends & social life? the way I see it is he began dating you knowing you had a lot of guy friends & you enjoyed dancing. if he wasn't comfortable with your life, he shouldn't have began dating you expecting you to change.

You've invited him to join you..you said he starts fights. You've changed a lot of your life some to accomdaite him & your relationship. So why should you continue to change? & why must he have so much input & control over your life, your emails, your text message, your myspace....this doesn't sound right to me. There doesn't sound like there is any trust.

[nikkers04]

we have been dating for 6 months or so now. When I go out its not JUST with guys its the whole co worker group that hangs out every wednesday that he has met a couple times that he doesn't want me to go out with. so i stopped going dt I get where he is coming from with some things so i have no problem changing them if i see a valid reasoning behind them.. But after the conversation he understands where i am coming from and I understand where he is coming from. I did delete myspace to see if that solves anything.

[greenmonster]

like I posed on your other page...this guys reasons behind this are all crap and he is just insecure.

 

boo...hiss

[flower99]

has he always been like this or did you cheat on him at some point?

 

IF he's always been like this, I honestly doubt a deleting a webpage will improve matters....THIS IS HIM. He will always be checking up on you, because he will always want some 'control' over your social life... there is no trust. and you will always be walking on egg shells (I was in a relationship like this for 1.5 years till I got tired of the crap. no matter what i did or what friends I dropped he always accused me of cheating & was checking up on me. I hated it. I was faithful & he never believed me)

[nikkers04]

i have never cheated and never will but i do know that he was at one point cheated on by an ex. I figured if things are not better after this chat then I'm going to let him go. But we will see if things get better if not...back to my normal party scene. i dont miss it but i did enjoy it

[flower99]

Well I hope for your sake things do improve. But keep your eyes open because considering it's only been 6 months... He is showing you his true colors. regardless of if his ex cheatd - you haven't. ....there should be trust from day 1.You should not have to earn back the trust his ex broke. Your SO should accepts you for you, not try to change you. I wish you the best.

[Atticus90]

The party scene can't last forever

But a relationship sure can.

 

Take your pick.

 

He was cheated on by an ex? Well, that can cause a lot of problems. But still shouldn't give him to the right to treat you like that.

 

I'm also curious. You seem so eager to toss him to the curb. Why?

[nikkers04]

this with us are great when we are alone its when the socal life comes to play it bugs him. I think part of the problem is besides me he really doesn't have a social life. most of his friends are married and so he doesn't like to just hang out with them without me there and he doesn't really have any single friends so i'm sure its tuff trying to learn to be ok with someone who has a million and one friends haha. i do know alot of people...alot more guys than girls. i ride a motorcycle and not many girls ride

[nikkers04]

Atticus. I'm not eagar to toss him to the curb. I'm the only one making sacrifices in the relationship. I deleted myspace I got rid of any guy that may have had any interest in me or I in him. Because i want things to work with him but that has to be 2 ways. He can't continue to do things that I can't. For example he doesn't liek when I go out with my friends and not tell him where i am going. well he runs off with his friends and then doesn't even let me know he is going. he ignores me ... he could simply do like i do...hey i'm going with my friends tonight. THat way I know and and am not worried or wondering why he isn't responding.

 

I just can't be the one to do all the changing. I know not everything is his fault but it isn't all mine either so there has to be some giving on both ends. COMPRIMISE and COMMUNICATION

[Atticus90]

You told us he never goes out with any friends?

Which is it?

[nikkers04]

I said HARDLY ever because most of his friends are married. besides I will tell you the same thing I tell him If I wanted to be with anyone else but Him I wouldn't be with him and i would be trying to get with them. And I wouldn't spend 99.9999% of my free time with him. I work 70 hours a week so every spare minute I have is spent with him except for maybe an hour and a half everyother wednesday. if I didn't see a future with him i wouldn't be wasting my time.

[HellFrost666]

 

I asked about the trust issue he pretty much said it isn't me he doesn't trust it's guys he doesn't trust.

 

 

Sincere apologies if someone already asked this question... But if it's other guys he doesn't trust why was you going out with "the girls" an issue? It sounds like it's not a problem anymore, but was in the passed.

[ladyblue07]

After just six months of dating, you are still in the "honeymoon" stage. His controlling ways aren't going to get any better. They will most likely slowly get worse over time as he feels more and more like you are his property.

 

You should not let him dictate who you talk to.

My guy knows that I talk to some old lovers. He doesn't care, because he believes I'm not slutty enough to cheat on him.

Likewise, I know he talks to former flames. I don't care, because I believe he is too kind and honest to cheat on me.

Nobody can make you cheat if you don't want to do it.

So even though he claims he doesn't trust the other guys, it really is about him feeling like you can't be trusted, and that is not healthy!

 

Just for reference, here is a list that was posted in a newspaper article recently with the "warning signs of an abuser". Notice the part about jealousy and control!