Still can't understand it all you know...

[Andy_2007]

...so...six months since the break up and I now accept we're over completely. There's only so long you can keep fooling yourself you know?

 

Also accept she's now with another guy who was in the picture before she dumped me and he played a part in the reasons why she finished out relationship even though she didn't tell me that at the time

 

Here's the thing though. In the final communication we had she made it plain that she was now completely in love with him, moving in together, off on holiday, plans for future etc. etc.

 

Which is what gets me. Before the split she gave NO indications whatsoever this was going on. She was still telling me she loved me on a regular basis, making plans with me for the next few months and not letting me have any idea she was falling for another guy.

 

Hell, even after the break, she came to me saying she still wants to marry me, loves me a great deal and when she's with him she always thinks of me.

 

Now I've been dumped before, and every time previous the girl's gotten 'cold' toward me and distant. I've never had anyone act like she's still in love with me then dump me and immediately fall in love with someone else.

 

So, I guess my question is, what the hell's going on in her head?

 

Is she some evil, twisted monster who bald faced lied repeatedly to me and swanned off with her true love?

 

Or is her newfound pronouncements of love for this guy a load of rubbish and she's really on the rebound and was laying it on thick for my benefit (which in itself is a really cold thing to do as I'm the dumpee!)

 

Or is she just so messed up in the head she doesn't know what she's doing?

 

I know there's no definitive answer to this, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts...

 

Anyone done this before or had it done to them? If so, outcome?

[ryan250]

 

So, I guess my question is, what the hell's going on in her head?

 

You can sit there and try to figure this out, but it won't get you anywhere. Been there done that.

 

But what you do know, for certain, is that you can find someone who actually does love you.

[Zeter]

I've never had anyone act like she's still in love with me then dump me and immediately fall in love with someone else.... Anyone done this before or had it done to them? If so, outcome?

Yes. This is precisely what happened to me, too. Even down to a half hour before she made it clear she was no longer with me, but instead, with him. From expressing love for one another to a humiliating public dumping. And all in front of a circle of friends in a restaurant dinner party.

 

So the answer is, your ex is not really so unusual. Lots of people just don't know how to properly act on their feelings, and this is not a question of their age, because in my instance, she was 45. You can try to analyze this, but you will find no logic to it all, only psychologic.

 

And you are 3 months ahead of me, too. I'm fine; you're fine. They're nuts.

 

Zeter

[greensleeves]

I agree with Zeter and it's not a reflection of you at all. When it comes to breaking up a relationship, the dumper is often not honest about why they want out and (as we all know), don't have much regard for what the other person is going through.

[Zorba]

Been there, heard that, seen that and am currently opening a tee shirt factory on the basis of it....

 

I've seen this with friends of mine and sorry to say ladies(and you may have male examples), but it was always the women who came out with this stuff. Always where they left one significant guy for a new guy "out of the blue" and came out with this stuff.

 

My out of the blue moment happened within 3 hours of being told "I love you". Then it was "I'm confused". She was confused, hell I was the dictionary definition of the breed.

 

Mad altogether. I've also heard the "I'm not confused any more" and "I love him and want to spend my life with him". Cool so far, then the madness bites hard and I hear, "I can't stop thinking about you, even when I'm with him" and the "the better it gets with him, the more I think of you" and of course, "why can't I let you go". I still get this nearly a year later when she supposed to be madly in love with someone. Adding madness atop madness, this woman would want to see and talk to me every day if I let her(which I don't). Oh yea, mad ain't in it.

 

What will happen next of course, from what I've seen, is that she will suddenly stop thinking of me so much and then it'll be "I don't think this is doing either of us any good" and away she'll go, which is fine. Then 3 to 6 months down the line, a little bit of "out of the blue" contact will start. If I ignore that, then another 6 months will pass and out of the woodwork she'll come again, especially if she finds out I've another woman. Repeat ad nauseum.

 

The thing is and this pretty much always happens, is that the new guy will be hit with an "out of the blue" moment too. Simply because she won't settle in her own head and didn't take the time to grieve the old relationship. The older they are the more likely. Before 23/25 all bets are off. Actually the worst case scenario for the new guy is if she stays, as she'll always feel a little cheated in her life and he'll get the brunt of that.

 

Maybe it's a "karma" thing, but I have noticed that any relationship started with deceit and confusion always implodes down the line, even if it's 20 years down the line. It's one reason why I would never get involved with someone while they're officially still with a long term, big love, someone else. Very very rarely works out in my experience. I actually can't think of one that did.

[need2bme]

Zorba, I will take a medium; thank you. It will allow me to show off my arms.

 

 

 

Andy_2007: Don't know why they do it. Mine was actually doing everything this side of sex, the night before the big phone call. Oh, I will admit that night was filled with a crying phone call and a few emails that were WAY over the top (hey, I panicked). ;-)

 

Anyway, we went from her just looking at me when I said I love you, to basically sex, to her then treating me as if I had treated her badly.

 

Her comment the days before had been, "I love you, I still want to date you and only you, but I cannot give any promises of the future." WOW! I guess not!!

 

I don't know why they do it. Maybe keeping you on, until they decide what they want to do. I think in the minds of people who do this, are trying to make it ok and mostly your fault, because they cannot deal with their side.

 

I understand the fear of hurting someone, but once you know you have to do it, I will never understand the "salt on the wound" mentality.

 

Leave me alone if that is what you want. Don't email me to make yourself feel better. Don't email me that "giving me morsels of attention to hang onto, wanting them to be something else" is not what you want to do.

 

You gave me the morsels when you said, "I love you" and then all of the sudden...DIDN'T.

[yellow_sweater]

I've seen this with friends of mine and sorry to say ladies(and you may have male examples), but it was always the women who came out with this stuff.

 

Hey now!

 

As The Ex (a male, by the way) was moving out, he was STILL saying, "I love you and I'm IN LOVE with you." I went to give him some batteries--I was splitting up some supplies--and he said something like, "That was so thoughtful that I want to kiss you."

 

It was f'ing ridiculous. Andy, I don't think there's an answer. Because there isn't, try not to make logical sense of it. Don't get me wrong--I wish I had something to tell you. But when I look at the facts in black and white and try to find the black and white, "what the h*** happened" reason, it just isn't there.

 

Relationships are messy...

[Zorba]

Zorba, I will take a medium; thank you. It will allow me to show off my arms.

 

I showed off my arms it would frighten small children..

 

Andy_2007: Don't know why they do it. Mine was actually doing everything this side of sex, the night before the big phone call.

Oh I had the sex hours before the sudden(and I mean) sudden confusion.

 

Her comment the days before had been, "I love you, I still want to date you and only you, but I cannot give any promises of the future." WOW! I guess not!!

Ouch!

I don't know why they do it. Maybe keeping you on, until they decide what they want to do.

That's definitely it at the start. No doubt about it. The thread on reverse psychology/rebounds kind of thing. I know if I had walked away the second I had the bomb dropped, she would have dropped new guy like a stone. Then again, in one way I'm glad she didn't as that wouldn't have lasted and she would have jumped later when she wasn't as insecure again, no doubt to another new guy. Better that they come back of their own accord,of at all, as that way you know whether it's for real or not. Though I wouldn't have thought like that 6 months ago. When it continues beyond the phase of "I'm confused" and they're still around, then I really don't get it.

I think in the minds of people who do this, are trying to make it ok and mostly your fault, because they cannot deal with their side.

It could be the simple answer too. They're selfish and self centered and are only giving when things are going right and you're the focus of that at the time. A good way to tell is how they dealt with exes in the past, or how they interact with men they're not interested in(goes for guys too). That should tell you a lot. Even so, with my most recent ex her MO has changed with me, as I was the only guy she hadn't left someone else to be with, so who knows?

I understand the fear of hurting someone, but once you know you have to do it, I will never understand the "salt on the wound" mentality.

 

Leave me alone if that is what you want. Don't email me to make yourself feel better. Don't email me that "giving me morsels of attention to hang onto, wanting them to be something else" is not what you want to do.

Selfishness again. cake and eat it time. They don't see a future with you involving marriage and babies(hence no sex), but you fulfill some need in them that the new guy doesn't. At first at any rate. They don't want to lose that until new guy takes over fully. If he doesn't then they'll come back, or jump to the next.

 

You gave me the morsels when you said, "I love you" and then all of the sudden...DIDN'T.

That's guilt talking usually. They're thinking of how they felt before and they know what they're about to drop on you, so they calm themselves and placate you by saying stuff like that. Contrary to obvious logic, in their minds that makes them feel better about what they're about to do to you. "It's alright I DO love you, you know". Mad but true I reckon. That's follwed by a neat transition into the I love you as a brother/sister/friend etc. Though I got the soulmate craziness. Still do in fact.

 

Hey now!

Oops. Now I'm in trouble. No I agree both genders probably do this stuff, it's just I've only ever seen women do it, but that's why I put in the part about "and you may have male examples" as obviously they can do come out with the same crapola.

 

As The Ex (a male, by the way) was moving out, he was STILL saying, "I love you and I'm IN LOVE with you."

Call the men in white coats time...

 

But when I look at the facts in black and white and try to find the black and white, "what the h*** happened" reason, it just isn't there.

Honestly? I think it boils down to one thing. They love you and maybe are still in love with you, but they are in love with someone else that little bit more at the time. Enough to drop you at any rate. The excuses and general rantings are covering up that basic fact.

 

They won't come out and tell you the truth which would be along these lines;

 

"I've lost the sexual feelings a little for you and other parts of our/my lives aren't gelling as well as I thought, but I've met someone who gets me horny and I think we have a connection there at least and I see him/her as a possible change in my life, but I'm not sure about them yet. We do have a history and I'm not sure if I can lose that until I replace that with this new person. Would you mind awfully if I keep you on the backburner, while I make up my mind about this? When I do, I'll either come back to you, or I'll take a risk on this new person(did I mention they get me hard/wet?)and I hope I can keep you around as a friend and an ego boost afterwards, but I would prefer if you were in the background more. Would that suit you? By the way I love you"

 

That would be the simple translation for a lot of what we hear.

[jdubs]

Ok..... Zorba just came up with the T-Shirt!

 

On the front, it says....

 

"I need some space"

"I'm confused"

"I'm not sure how I feel about us"

"Everytime I'm with him/her I think about you"

 

and on the back, it says....

 

 

 

 

Oh man... that would be awesome..... I'll take mine in a large, please.

[need2bme]

That is AWESOME! I am so going to get one made, with your guys permission, of course.

[buckdawg]

the bottom line andy is it sounds like she's confused about things and unfortunately your caught in the middle. probably the best thing is to begin to accept things they way they are and know that you cannot do anything about her thoughts or emotions.

 

it's tough, i feel for ya!

[Zorba]

Ok..... Zorba just came up with the T-Shirt!

 

On the front, it says....

 

"I need some space"

"I'm confused"

"I'm not sure how I feel about us"

"Everytime I'm with him/her I think about you"

Like the front. I would add a I (heart symbol) ?...

and on the back, it says....

Excellent choice Sir. I knew you had taste...

 

 

 

Oh man... that would be awesome..... I'll take mine in a large, please.

I'll take mine in a "Damned Sexy". A hard size to find these days. Failing that a size "Is real or have you got an iPhone in your pocket"....

 

That is AWESOME! I am so going to get one made, with your guys permission, of course.

Cool, special discount for members and so long as I get 3 points on the gross and jdubs gets a few quid for consultancy, I'm good to go.

 

the bottom line andy is it sounds like she's confused about things and unfortunately your caught in the middle. probably the best thing is to begin to accept things they way they are and know that you cannot do anything about her thoughts or emotions.

Good, solid, sound advice from oul buckdawg there (as per usual I must say). Regardless of how she feels or how she thinks she feels, your only recourse and indeed the best recourse is as he says, acceptance and movement forward in you.

[buckdawg]

Good, solid, sound advice from oul buckdawg there (as per usual I must say). Regardless of how she feels or how she thinks she feels, your only recourse and indeed the best recourse is as he says, acceptance and movement forward in you.

 

oh stop. you flatter me

[Andy_2007]

Thanks guys!

 

All good stuff...a lot of which I was thinking myself but its great to have others say the same thing to you.

 

I think my problem is I'm the kind of person who hates not being able to understand people's motivations and the way they tick. It's normally something I take pride in being able to do, and it grips my s*** that I can't get my head around her and what she did.

 

Which I guess is a good sign in a way...as this is more about me trying to understand the nature of the beast in general more than specifically still entertaining ideas of the ex coming back or having anything more to do with her. There's no way I would...I'd just like to think she's experiencing a lot of pain right now about the break up with me and her new relationship is a car crash waiting to happen! Sigh..wishful thinking, eh?

[jdubs]

Zorba, that sounds like a fair cut to me... I'll have my "people" call your "people" and we'll square away all the details my friend....

 

Back to what you originally stated, Andy... I can totally relate to what you are going through.

 

My ex broke up with me and started a summer fling with another guy... I can't prove that anything physical happened at first, but I really don't care at this point.. She flirted with him and started talking to him all the time and he drove 5 hours to visit her so... that's all I need to know, anyway.... (there's more to the story, though)

 

She totally cut me out of her life for a couple months while she was starting things up with him. It was easier for her i'm sure because he lived far away (she didn't have to commit, which she was afraid of doing with me) and he didn't know how freaking crazy she can be.... She could pretend to be a completely different person, just like she did with me when we met...

 

She came around a couple times during this period though.. One time we had sex I felt like an idiot afterwards as she told me that "I haven't had any breakthroughs" and "I still need time to work on myself". but she said that she "still loved me" and that she could totally SEE HERSELF GROWING OLD WITH ME!!! WDF???

 

Ah yes, my emotions were like a cat toy for her... She just batted them around and had a grand old time.

 

Well, once I finally came to my senses and my brain and I ganged up on my heart and bound and tied and left him in a corner for awhile, she texted me...

 

She asked me if I wanted to meet her for coffee... It took every ounce of strength I had because well... I still loved her.. couldn't just flip a switch...

 

But I texted back and told her I had moved on (this was kinda true), that I was seeing someone (true, but nothing serious), I wasn't interested in being friends (how could I? My friends don't treat me like sh%t!), and to please leave me alone... That's the last I've heard from her... So... I guess I'm the one who actually ended it..

 

I mean c'mon, who needs that kind of drama? y'know?

 

There are millions of single people out there... The odds are in our favor people.

 

 

Hang in there, bro.

[shell80]

I mean c'mon, who needs that kind of drama? y'know?

 

DEFINITELY!!!!

 

I am so over the rubbish that some people play. My ex bf certainly created big time drama out of nothing, my ex before that said that I was 'too easy going, too sweet'.. come on out there...drama less is a good thing!!!

[beebee]

i MUST have a t shirt that says on the front "i love you, but you dont rollerblade"!... no matter that he doesnt rollerblade either... thats besides the point... lol...

 

andy, i do understand your confusion... i would say that 99 percent of the people on ena are confused also at how things ended up the way they did... i dont see the confusion all on the woman's side either... or age for that matter...

 

my only explanation is our ex's were going through a bad time in their heads... someone had to get hurt and guess who that was?... yes its all cruel to keep someone hanging on with the "i still love you", "i dont know why im doing this because you are (insert all the wonderful things we are)"... i can only think that they are nervous because of what they are doing... the "fight or flight" syndrome?...

 

my ex broke up with me around thanksgiving... ruined that holiday (thanks jerk), then called and wanted to work it out... came to have sex when i specifically told him NOT TO unless he was sure i was the one he wanted, then broke up with me again before christmas (thanks jerk)... i was "everything he wanted in a woman"... i could go on and on with the things he said that were lovely albeit not true...

 

after that it was on me to decide if i wanted to get on this ferris wheel and take the ride... i decided not to... hes nuts... whatever emails i received afterwards or phone calls could not erase the pain he caused me... sometimes people do things that just are unforgivable...

 

hugs... beebee

[buckdawg]

what a jerk

[beebee]

yup buck... a real honest to goodness, right there in front of you, on this earth, nut, fruitloop, crazy mfer (they might delete that... lol), bi polar, insensitive, demanding, posessive, airhead, narcisisstic, lieing, all about him, rotten, JERK... i cant think of any other things to call him right now... lol...

[pryda]

I think my problem is I'm the kind of person who hates not being able to understand people's motivations and the way they tick. It's normally something I take pride in being able to do, and it grips my s*** that I can't get my head around her and what she did.

 

Which I guess is a good sign in a way...as this is more about me trying to understand the nature of the beast in general more than specifically still entertaining ideas of the ex coming back or having anything more to do with her. There's no way I would...I'd just like to think she's experiencing a lot of pain right now about the break up with me and her new relationship is a car crash waiting to happen! Sigh..wishful thinking, eh?

I can relate to all of this.

 

I, too, tend to think I'm a good judge of character and I understand the way people work, but I can't for the life of me work out what's been going on in my ex's head and it's messing me up. She's not with anyone else (yet), but she left me with the "love you but not in love" line just a day or two after saying she was very much in love with me and wanted to make plans to live together next year. Part of the grief I'm feeling right now is not just because I've lost her - in fact I think mainly it's because I just don't understand where or why things changed. I sit back and think maybe I'll never see her or talk to her again and just think "What the hell? Is this actually happening?" It really was that sudden and unexpected.

 

And like you, I don't think I would take her back - hell, she's shown herself to be way too erratic and unreliable - but I still want her to be miserable without me and, ideally, to come and tell me she was wrong and made a bad decision. Sounds kinda petty, but I guess it's purely for the interests of rebuilding my ego which was damaged somewhat in the break-up.

[yellow_sweater]

Oops. Now I'm in trouble. No I agree both genders probably do this stuff, it's just I've only ever seen women do it, but that's why I put in the part about "and you may have male examples" as obviously they can do come out with the same crapola.

 

LOL... I'll let it slide, but just this time.

 

Honestly? I think it boils down to one thing. They love you and maybe are still in love with you, but they are in love with someone else that little bit more at the time. Enough to drop you at any rate. The excuses and general rantings are covering up that basic fact.

 

They won't come out and tell you the truth which would be along these lines;

 

"I've lost the sexual feelings a little for you and other parts of our/my lives aren't gelling as well as I thought, but I've met someone who gets me horny and I think we have a connection there at least and I see him/her as a possible change in my life, but I'm not sure about them yet. We do have a history and I'm not sure if I can lose that until I replace that with this new person. Would you mind awfully if I keep you on the backburner, while I make up my mind about this? When I do, I'll either come back to you, or I'll take a risk on this new person(did I mention they get me hard/wet?)and I hope I can keep you around as a friend and an ego boost afterwards, but I would prefer if you were in the background more. Would that suit you? By the way I love you"

 

That would be the simple translation for a lot of what we hear.

 

Well--and this may be too much info--the sex with me wasn't the issue for The Ex. In fact, we had Ex-Sex literally two hours before he moved out (what?!? we had broken up two weeks before, we were both stuck in the apartment packing up his sh!t, and we were horny and frustrated). His issue was that, even though I was "so amazing" (his words to describe our sex life), he had only been with me. And somehow he felt like he was missing out, like sticking it in every girl who will let you is some sort of accomplishment.

 

And that is what he threw away our seven year relationship for. To hook up with other women to gain experience. Not any woman in particular. Just women. Whatever.

 

The M'F'er better not think that he can come back to me after he starts to crave emotional intimacy, which random hook-ups cannot provide...

[buckdawg]

The M'F'er better not think that he can come back to me after he starts to crave emotional intimacy, which random hook-ups cannot provide...

 

i like your spirit

[yellow_sweater]

i like your spirit

 

Haha... now I just need one of those shirts to show it off!

[Lugh]

Yellow sweater what age is your ex? mine was 26 but mature, i was her first real love and we were together for nearly 6 years, had planned to marry , grow old together, i got the usual love you not in love with you story, need space, there was noone else involved but one of the reasons was that she was afraid that i may not be "the one". sounds familiar?

we had sex that morning and then that night i was dumped, never saw it coming at all, still trying to get my head around wanting to be with me forever to just friends without a word in between.

 

ill have my tshirt in medium please, used to be large so every cloud has a silver lining i suppose.

its not easy.

[buckdawg]

Yellow sweater what age is your ex? mine was 26 but mature, i was her first real love and we were together for nearly 6 years, had planned to marry , grow old together, i got the usual love you not in love with you story, need space, there was noone else involved but one of the reasons was that she was afraid that i may not be "the one". sounds familiar?

we had sex that morning and then that night i was dumped, never saw it coming at all, still trying to get my head around wanting to be with me forever to just friends without a word in between.

 

ill have my tshirt in medium please, used to be large so every cloud has a silver lining i suppose.

its not easy.

 

heard that very line a week ago tomorrow.