Back in Relationship BUT NOT THE SAME

[GT7212]

Hello ENA love doctors, I will try to keep this short and sweet.

 

For the previous 2 years, I have been in a relationoship with a wonderful and gorgeous woman. About 3 weeks ago, we broke up ...mainly b/c she had attraction for another man. This hurt me pretty bad, but with the advice and healing words from members of this forum, I accepted it and continued to move on with my life.

 

Last Friday night, she came over and told me she's been very foolish and made a mistake in leaving me in the dark. Her emotions indicated that she was very sincere about having made the mistake and that she wanted to make things better between us. It's very hard for me to trust her with my heart again but she means so much to me and I decided to give the relationship another chance. Her exact words were: "I couldn't ask for a better man in my life and I really want to make things work with us."

 

The problem is this: She says shes very emotionally attracted to me, but since the breakup she's no longer physically attracted to me. After a long heart to heart, she says that she really wants to get that physical attraction back but is extremely confused and frustrated why it's not there anymore. This has led her to not want to have sex and it's driving me crazy to say the least. It's almost torture to have a gorgeous 27 yr old woman walking around in little clothing and not be able to make out with her. We used to have sex several times a week and it was something we both enjoyed with each other very much. I just don't know how the physical attraction can disappear just like that.

 

I'm never gonna leave her b/c of sex but as a man, I have a sexual desire that I need her to fulfill...something she is more than capable of. I don't know what to do at this point. She has made it very clear I'm the only man she wants but is very frustrated as to why she's no longer attracted to me. I don't want to pressure her into sex but I don't know how much longer I can handle not being able to have sex with my GF. It's very obvious she wants to have the sexual desire back but I don't know how to help her get that attraction back. ](*,) ](*,)

 

Help?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Are you sure that she is over that other man? Perhaps she had a sexual attraction for that other man and things didn't work out with him so that is why she came back to you? Do you think she is still holding out hope for that other man and that is why she can't get physical with you? I think you really need to sit down and talk with her because something is just not kosher. She left you because she was attracted to someone else...my gut feeling is that that someone else didn't work out to her satisfaction so that is why she came running back to you. Guard your heart because I don't think she has told you everything.

[pryda]

It always sucks when this happens.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't look good for your future together if there's no physical attraction. The fact you've broken up recently and then gone straight back into things, probably as if to resume from where you left off, might be the crux of the problem. It's a hard thing to do if you're both emotionally attached, but a clean break-up may be the best order here.

 

You can't really "try" to get a physical attraction back; that mindset is exactly the thing that will prevent it from ever happening. It's either gonna happen or it isn't, and it's probably more likely to happen if she sees you moving on and living your own life. If you keep plugging away at what you've got and trying to rebuild this attraction, it's probably not going to happen and then you'll break up again anyway a few months down the line.

 

My advice (which of course you don't have to consider) would be to stay apart for now, because the issue you've got is important enough to suggest that things are not going to work out. Move on, work on yourself, and then if you both still feel the same way in 6 months time you can meet up and start over like a fresh relationship (courting, dating, romance etc.) Take things slow. Hopefully after that time apart, if you've moved on and done enough work on yourself you'll be a more attractive person in her eyes and she might desire you again, physically.

 

Obviously it's a gamble, but right now things probably aren't heading in the right direction so perhaps it's a risk you're just gonna have to take.

[rokston]

obviously this is a problem BUT you have been back together for less than a week. i don't think it's time for panic and worry. if you look at the whole picture - you have broken up and then got back together in the space of 3 wks. let some time pass before considering this an issue.

 

but i second Crazy's post about being cautious here. being left for someone else and reconciling so fast could be precarious.

[ycmanvs]

It does not sound good. You need to take a break from her. She is getting what she needs from the relationship, but she is not giving you what you need. If she is not attracted to you, then she is just a friend, not a girlfriend, any more.

 

You could always go to a therapist and try to figure out why this is happening, but I do not see things getting better any time soon.

[Portage]

Hmmmmmmmm, i don't want to be too harsh here, however, with my own personal experience attraction never came back. I don't know how you can 'force' attraction. Either it is there or it's not.

 

I wouldn't want to see you in a relationship that is one-sided. Painful as it seems, maybe a longer break in the relationship is needed to see if the loss of physical attraction returns in time? Or not?

 

Good luck

[bostoneric]

i'll be the optimist here...

 

try doing things together that can drive attraction...

 

working out together can do that... something about working out and getting all hot and sweaty together... lots of pheromones released during this time.

 

i'm sure there are other activities you can do together..

[DN]

Is she living with you?

 

If she is - did she move out during the break and then move back in?

 

If not - why is she walking around in little clothing when she doesn't want to have sex with you?

[samross]

Another angle - is there any chance she left the other guy because SHE's really having a problem - thought it would be better with him (to prove to herself she doesn't have a problem) - came back after she sees it didn't help - and sees she still has no libido? I'm surprised at myself for commenting and getting into this area of our lives but the thought crossed my mind. If this is what it is then talk to her about going to a therapist.

[GT7212]

Thanks for everyone's input.

 

This other guy that she was attracted to .... she just left him cold turkey. She said it's like something clicked in her head and she realized she was making a mistake and doing the wrong thing. Nothing bad happened btwn those two and neither did things "not work out" for them. She abruptly stopped hanging out with him b/c she wanted to be back with me .. and he's been texting her all the time but she just ignores him completely and chooses to spend her time with me.

 

We lived together during the 2 years that we were together ... I have my own place but stayed over at her's for the majority of the time.

 

When I referred to her walking around in little clothing, that is in reference to the time I have spent with her since we've gotten back together (both at my place and hers). Since getting back together, everything is the same as where we left off except the sex ... i.e. kissing all the time, holding each other, sleeping next to each other, being naked around each other, etc.. .

 

I agree with many of you in saying that taking a break is the best thing but it's so hard when both parties want to be with each other. She stresses the fact that she's completely frustrated and confused as to why there's not that physical attraction there. She's certain I'm the one she wants to be with and wants to try to work things out.

 

Sadly enough, I am afraid that things will not work out if there she does not have physical attraction for me any longer. It's such a tough spot to be in with the one you have loved for so long.

[bostoneric]

sounds like the "spark" has burned out, try to do some romantic things together that will help you guys reconnect and have fun! nothing is sexier then laughing hard together in each others arms!

[GT7212]

I understand ... but if the spark has truly burned out. .. why did she leave me only to come back 3 weeks later and say that she really knows I'm the one she wants to be with?

 

I keep contemplating just not contacting each other for a while but its so much harder said than done, especially knowing that the person wants to spend their time with you. I've just never heard of physical attraction abruptly disappearing. ... she was head over heels for me for 2 years and one day it's just gone??

[DN]

I think this is one time when you should take a break. Say - one month. Agree to meet up on January 18th or thereabouts and discuss what both of you want. If she has no sexual interest then it is time to move on. Whatever the reason for it - she has become too problematical and will simply break your heart and your self-confidence at the same time.

 

Make sure she knows that you are being firm and strong over this and that you mean what you say: no sex = no relationship. It could be that some part of her thinks you are a little weak for taking her back so easily - and if she doesn't have respect for you then that may explain the lack of sexual interest.

[ycmanvs]

The thing is, after 2 years, all the hormones and neurotransmitters that go wild for those first 18 months of being with someone, start to go back to normal levels. The point is to be able to get past the chemical and still have a healthy sex life.

It sounds like there are other issues at play here and she may need time away from you and from sex, to work on those issues. The fact that she went to another man because of the attraction, but came back to you, only means that she cares about you or that she feels safe in the relationship with you, but it does not mean that she will be able to have sex with you any time soon.

 

Not to sound too insensitive, but has she tried perhaps masturbating in fron of you, or fantasizing about something, etc?

[bostoneric]

The thing is, after 2 years, all the hormones and neurotransmitters that go wild for those first 18 months of being with someone, start to go back to normal levels. The point is to be able to get past the chemical and still have a healthy sex life.

It sounds like there are other issues at play here and she may need time away from you and from sex, to work on those issues. The fact that she went to another man because of the attraction, but came back to you, only means that she cares about you or that she feels safe in the relationship with you, but it does not mean that she will be able to have sex with you any time soon.

 

oh how I know that all too well... just got dumped after a 3 year long relationship. we had very big plans for our future together (house/marriage/children) but at the end she drifted to being attracted to another women that expressed interested in her... well long story short. i'm out and this girl has taken my place. ex seems to be very happy and excited but i say its just because its new vs me the old.

 

either way i need to let go and move fwd.

[samross]

gt

 

I know from being in a very long term relationship that sometimes the spark doesn't really 'die' but goes away because there's really something blocking it. Neither of you may even realize what it is. It doesn't have to be anything physical. It is usually psychological. Usually after a traumatic episode like what has happened between you, her and the other guy there is a period of time before things can return to normal. And it is definitely one area where if you push it it will make it even more difficult to make the physical feelings come back. Rather than expecting everything to be normal, give it time to see if the real reason(s) make themselves apparent later. One thing that helps a lot of couples is the break as everyone is suggesting, but in addition, the two of you discussing that ok - for right now we're not going to worry about it. That next time you guys try to make love both of your expectations will be high and if things don't work it will take both of you down even more. You need to find a way to take the pressure off. If you guys truly love each other and want to be together, then after a 'cooling off' period perhaps the two of you approach it again but without expectations. Sometimes it has to be built again just like the relationship.

[GT7212]

This very well may be true. She suffers from a panic disorder also that causes her to have depression from time to time. I remember talking with her the other night and she told me: "I think if I just felt better overall, I would have that attraction again for you." I do see her depressed at times but when i ask if i'm causing her depression, she says no. In fact, she suffered from this illness before we started dating and its something I've never held against her b/c she simply cannot help how she feels or how the chemicals in her brain function. She wants me to be there with her and I know she loves me. As much as I'm frustrated that she has no physical attraction for me, she feels the exact same way ... perhaps more. So my question now is this:

 

Should we have a talk and consider taking a "cooling off" period where we just try to focus on our own lives OR should we still spend our time together b/c we care for each other and just let nature take its course ...meaning not worry about the sex for now and let it happen when the time is right ... without having high expectations when the moment comes?

[samross]

Well in what you just told there's GOOD news and maybe not so much BAD news IMHO!! I have depression. I can personally vouch that when depression takes control of you you will lose interest in EVERYTHING. INCLUDING SEX. That she is suffering from that clears up a lot of things. YOU cannot cause her depression. It makes sense that she wants you there and says that she loves you. Again, IMHO, it sounds like the barrier is depression. If that is what it is and sure does sound like it, that's the only bad news. The good news is she can easily get treatment. She might have to try several different types of anti-depressants before she finds one she can tolerate and doesn't have sexual side-effects.

 

Based on the strong possibility that that is what is going on I would:

 

1. Stay with her

2. Get her to go to counciling get medical treatment; Go with her

3. Don't focus on the sex for now. Focus on her getting healthy again.

[samross]

Also, I forgot - the depression could easily have led here into the relationship she had. Not that depression causes infidelity - when someone suffers from depression they aren't making good decisions and they will try to make decisions that they think will make things better in their lives. A fling boosts the sufferer for a bit.

[ycmanvs]

Make sure she is in therapy and go to couples counseling. That is really all you can do if she has a panic disorder and depression.

[pryda]

Also, I forgot - the depression could easily have led here into the relationship she had. Not that depression causes infidelity - when someone suffers from depression they aren't making good decisions and they will try to make decisions that they think will make things better in their lives. A fling boosts the sufferer for a bit.

Very interesting point; quite relevant to my situation at the moment.

 

My ex seems to just never be 100% happy with anything - not me, not her friends, her social life, her accomplishments etc. - and she has spent the last year or so making very wild decisions, plunging herself into unknown territory in the hope that perhaps she'll just land on something that makes her happy. She dumped me about a month ago completely out of the blue with the "love you but not in love" line and, although I guess I'm probably just in denial, I really think it's actually just another example of her making an erratic decision due to her GENERAL sadness. She hasn't been diagnosed with depression, but in the months leading up to the break up she used to tell me on the phone a lot that she was sad, as she "just doesn't know what she wants out of life." Obviously I'm gutted about the break-up and I still love her, but I've realised that even if she came back to me right now I wouldn't take her back UNLESS I thought she'd sorted out her own inner problems, purely because there'd be no point otherwise and we'd only break up again and again for the same reasons.

 

To relate this to GT7212's situation - if this sounds familiar and your girlfriend is just generally depressed, then maybe the problem isn't with you, it's with her. She needs to find happiness within herself before she can ever be happy with you, or anyone else. And sadly, in order to find herself she'll need to be apart from you and on her own for a while.

[Ampire]

Let her go, at this point it is the best thing you can do, trust me!

 

tell her this is a problem and end it...she needs to get her ish together and miss you, and who you are....the break was too short...

 

its your best hope, but be prepared for the worst, the hardest part is letting go, but it's usually the best thing to do.

[GT7212]

This is good to hear Samross ... not saying this is the exact explanation but what you say makes good sense. Let me give you some more details on her depressive moods:

 

Throughout the relationship, she would just have these days where she's just depressed and sad for no apparent reason. I can tell everytime because she becomes very quiet, something completely different from her usual state. I feel bad for her b/c she's such a sweet girl but has to suffer from this mental illness that causes her to feel down for no reason whatsoever.

 

I remember when she came to my house that Friday night and we had the discussion about her making that big mistake...something that really stood out from what she said was when I asked her: "Why did you leave me like that after everything we've been through?" ... her exact reply was: "I want to be happy too." What she realized was that it made her no happier, in fact she became more depressed from what I was told. Ever since we got back together, she seems a little bit happier overall but there's been a few moments / days where she slips into her depressive state. Just the other day in my car, she was really upset because she couldn't have a constant mood and that she felt sad all the time .. again, she said that I'm not causing her to feel like this.

 

I would feel like a horrible person for walking away from the girl I love just because she has depression ... thats something I could never hold against her. In a time like this, I know she needs me to be there with her and I have been there all along .. for 2 years now. We've tried many different medications but her body reacts to each one in such bizarre ways. So far, xanax and zoloft has seemed to work best and we're gonna go back to trying that again. I hope the depression is really the barrier b/c we had such a healthy relationship before all this happened. I think I'm gonna stick with my instincts and be there her through this bump in the road.

[remainstrong]

IMO atraction is wanting what we cant have so dont be so keen to get back to her make her work for it this may help.

[samross]

GT

Each posting you make reveals a little more and strengthens the possibility that it is depression.

 

First I want to say that if you have depression and a doctor puts you on an anti-depressant - DO NOT try to come off of it yourself cold-turkey. Very bad idea. If you've been taking it consistently, your body adjusts to it. It's kind of like feeding birds birdseed just before winter and then stopping later after they've decided to hang around instead of going away for the winter. Follow the doctor's orders. Finding the right anti-d can be frustrating but there are a lot of different ones and there is an extremely good chance that perhaps she hasn't found the right one yet. Also, Xanax is not an anti-depressant. It helps with panic-attacks but it is not meant for doing what an anti-d does.

 

Throughout the relationship, she would just have these days where she's just depressed and sad for no apparent reason. I can tell everytime because she becomes very quiet, something completely different from her usual state. I feel bad for her b/c she's such a sweet girl but has to suffer from this mental illness that causes her to feel down for no reason whatsoever.

 

Depression can knock you down for days. You may not know why. Something that depresses you can trigger it or it may just happen on its own. If you don't stick with treatment it more than likely will get worse. Also, one huge misconception is that depression is sadness, or extreme sadness. It isn't. You will suffer episodes of extreme sadness but unfortunately that's only part of the picture. I can tell you when I get in a depressed mood I may feel sad but more than likely I will feel emotionally 'numb'. It's like you've been shunted into this box while the world is going on around you.

 

"I want to be happy too." What she realized was that it made her no happier, in fact she became more depressed from what I was told

The common thread of all depressed people is that they (myself included) want to be happy. Depression makes you focus so hard on the fact that you're NOT. It's a viscious circle.

 

Ever since we got back together, she seems a little bit happier overall but there's been a few moments / days where she slips into her depressive state. Just the other day in my car, she was really upset because she couldn't have a constant mood and that she felt sad all the time .. again, she said that I'm not causing her to feel like this.

Again - YOU can't cause her depression. If she has it (and it sure sounds like she does, and significantly as well), you may be able to trigger it but that will apply to anything she comes in contact with in her everyday life. It could something she hears on tv, something someone says, etc. Wanting to keep your mood contstant is another trait of depression. She need to stay consistently on the proper medication. She's afloat on a sea of sorrow - the medicine is her life preserver. She may know how to swim so she doesn't take the medicine. She starts to sink. The longer she is without the preserver the deeper she sinks and the harder it is for her to stay afloat.

 

Sorry for the long speach but what you have described is classic depression. I can say that because I've had it for more than 15 years. The medicine is key - if I come off of it (run out of it), it upsets the balance and within a few days I'll feel myself going down. Then it takes a few days to get back up after I start the meds again.

 

One more thing - in depression therapy there is the concept of 'the garbage truck'. It contains all of the things in our mind that WILL pull us into a depressive mood. It's been obeserved for example that if you have depression, and are feeling good (relatively), and you begin thinking about something that would bring you down, within a few minutes you brain will shift you into that mood. So if you can steer your thoughts away from the offending memory it will help her.