my bf broke up with me! i have plane ticket for xmas!

[sweetharmony]

hey guys, my bf broke up with me sunday night over the phone just before the holidays. i have a plane ticket i bought (he asked me to fly to his family's for x-mas) supposed to leaveon saturday. i am devastated beyond belief. I knew we were having problems with long distance and with him having so many girlfriends that he goes to exp. dinners with and movies. i trusted that they were friends but I asked him to refrain from the exp. dinners and romantic movies which i felt should be for us.

 

anyways, my jealousy got in the way...and sunday i asked him where the future was heading for us...since we are coming on 6 mos, LD and the travel is tiring. i wasn't asking for a ring for god's sake (it's way too early), but i wanted to know where we were. of course, not the best day for the convo (right before holidays-should have had some good times first without arguing. needless to say, he told me that he thought he should love me by now and he doesn't and that he doesn't see a light right now. i asked if that meant he wanted to break up...back and forth for an hour..and basically he said, we aren't working and he feels it's the only choice. i called him back an hour later and he was cold and said he didn't want to talk further. he told me to accept the pain and to move on. just like that. he was so mean, saying, "i have to go" and i was saying, let's just talk. i'm supposed to go there this weekend. what just happened?

 

just earlier that morning he called me twice and said he was excited to see me next week and go with his family to pick the tree and decorate it and he wanted me to bake a cake with his mother to connec twiht her (i've already met them). i put together a hommmade book of poetry, songs, inspiring quotes photos, and short stories to give to him as we were both committed to reading these weekly!

 

i feel terrible, numb, right now...i'm ok b/c i am in shock. just earlier that week, he was excited that we were moving forward, we planned to do something special for the holiday in january and i asked him he if he saw a future...and he said, of course sweetie, i do and want to include you in my life and wouldn't be in this LD if i didn't see a future and this relationship is a priority for me and i care about you so much?! . even said the relationship was a priority in our convo on sunday righ before we broke up!

 

how did he just realize this? i think i am in denial. b/c i feel no pain right now...just numb. i keep waiting for a call that will never come. i can't believe he ruined the holidays. i want to get out of this city and now stuck with a ticket. i originally wanted to visit my sister, but he stressed how impt it was for us to be together for the holiday and really wanted me to spend it with his family. so now, i can't go to my sisters, alone here for the holiday and numb. the ticket is useless and tickets to visit family are $800 now. this sucks. i know i messed up and want to reconcile, but know our problems seem irrepairable..though two weeks ago, we were moving forward. sorry for rambling. don't know what to do!

[annie24]

call the airline company and ask if you can change the flight - you can usually do something like that for a $100 change fee. maybe fly out somewhere else at some other time. call and tell them your situation and maybe you'll get someone sympathetic. find out what your options are with the flight you got. did you buy a refundable ticket?

 

i might even consider asking your bf for half the ticket money - i don't think it is cool he just broke up with you 6 days before and said move on. booo.

 

sorry about everything.

[NewPhillyGuy]

i trusted that they were friends but I asked him to refrain from the exp. dinners and romantic movies which i felt should be for us.

 

I agree with you. This is wrong. It almost sounds like he was going on dates with other women. Do you have any reason to suspect him of cheating?

 

As far as your plane ticket, some airlines will let you reuse the ticket to go to another destination. You might have to pay a fee of $100-$150 for that change, plus any difference in the price. Have you considered changing it to go see your sister?

 

Don't be alone during this difficult time. Try to make other plans. Personally, I think your b/f is a jerk. It definitely sounds like he did a last minute switch on you. From my experience, people in this situation where they know they've lost feelings for someone, they will wait until last minute to break it down for them, because they feel guilty and they put it off as long as possible. He wasn't thinking, and probably realized at the last minute, you would get on a plane to come out there and see him if he didn't break it to you soon.

 

What he did was selfish and wrong. He should have told you as soon as he was having doubts. That would have given you more time to put yourself together and make alternative plans for the holidays. I would also be glad that he didn't bring you out there and then do it after the holidays. I would have felt HORRIBLE if it were me, and I found out after spending all of that time that the person did not care.

 

You know the drill if you read this board. This is time for hard NC. No calling, emailing, txting, whatever you usually do to communicate. He has made his feelings very clear to you. He was selfish and rude. You don't need a guy like this in your life.

 

Let him go. Start to heal. Direct your thoughts inward (to yourself) and away from this jerk.

[sweetharmony]

thanks guys. i realize this may have been coming-a break up...but we were working toward forgiveness (what he said) last time i visited him! i didn't want to go there and he begged me to come and said he was committed to making us work! i tried looking for another flight...$800 for christmas. i even tried looking on other flights (and just use that ticket with change fee for a cheaper date) to no avail...$600 tickets...i can't afford that. so i can use that ticket for anotehr time...but stuck fot the holidays. my sisters all live very far and i don't get along with my parents. i'll try calling the airline and see what they can do though. nny thing is, this guy is in a PHD program for spiritual/pastoral counselling and he counsels couples on the verge of divorce. he believes that all relationships can work and that "struggle" is a core issue that coupls deal with and if they could just both grow to reach each other, they can be blessed! i can't believe he just gave up like that...but i guess he's too close to th issue to give himself the ame advice. When i questioned our compatibility, he always said he doesn't believe compatibility exists and he thought we were compatible and that two "verty different" people have to find meaningful ways to connect. how can he be so cold! i haven't conatcted him since the second call on sunday. when he basically told me it's over. i'm not going to call crying or anything, it's just going to be humiliating. he told me whne i called th 2nd time i was making it worse...how much worse can it get? except for humiliation. i think i desrved thte 2nd call...the first was like "huh" no closure...ok. whatver, i am f-in pissed right now! i think he should pay for the ticket or at least half...how do i propose that? even though i don't want him to think it's about $ and i really don't want to even call or text or e-mail.

[JadedStar]

What a lousy thing to do just before a major HOliday.

 

But it sounds like the spark is just not there even tho he has tried to make it work. The timing is bloody awful but the break up itself sounds like it is for the best....even before he admitted he is not feeling like he is "in love" with you you knew that his many "Friendships" with other women was not something you were going to be able to swallow forever. I remember your former posts and thinK i even told you then that making this work with someone who has very different thoughts on these types of values would be very hard to work out longer.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you just before christmas. I have to believe maybe he could have just waited until after the first of the year - but if you kept pushing things and sounding jealous that probably was the catalyst. He has made it clear who he is and i guess he felt pressured that you weren't going to let it go.

 

I think this is for the best hon but i know the timing was horrific. I hope you have a good holiday hon.

[sweetharmony]

newphillyguy...bno i didn't expect he was cheating. he had all these female friends before we met...they are all very nice and not catty-professional women who have similar interests. they don't seem like the type to try and steal him away. he is a bit more fem than most guys, a little more sensitive...he's a therapist-so most colleagues are female. BUT I thought that expensive dinners is out of the question and hiking out of town, too! but anyways he was always open about it and wanted me to meet them and become friends with them. he has male friends but they live away. he just gets along better with women...i think the issue was more that he was spending quality time with them one on one...when we rarely saw one another and in places i thought should be for us...ok. if he wants to grab a drink, fine...but dinner and movie? but, the LD was a factor and so, he would be doing nothing if i told him not to hang out with them..this sucks! i feel num..not even upset just ANGRY. i've had crying spells, etc..but now just ANGRY that he could be so hurtful before the holidays. i feel i should've held my tongue on sunday and we would be having a nice time over the holiday and working towards making it work. he just promised a few days ago that we were a priority and he's committed to making us work. now this. i want to tell him i overreacted and i'm sorry and that (hinsight is best) that i want to work on my jealosy and really get to know these women in his life. i messed up and feel terrible. but i guess one to many times was enough for him. my insecurity he saw and i guess he said, "no more" i feel horrible. maybe this is best as for a while we weren't connecting. i don' know. i just want to redeem myself and at least try once again. i wish he would just see that. how can he turn off like that? i want to apologize...never had the chance b/c it ended badly and i was blaming him for everything and not listening to him! i realize i was foolish. i havne't and won;t contact him but i want to let him know what i did wrong. and he doesn't think i realize this b/c the power struggle was a lot. if i could rewined and go back now i know i could change things...but i never had the chance to tell him! oh, please this sucks

[Karen33]

I don't think you were wrong in asking where you were heading or being concerned about an excess of female friends particularly as it was long distance. And what he did just before the holidays was awful. I know how hard it is to make sense of things especially when you feel this bad.

 

I was broken up with a few weeks ago and one of our major issues was me wanting to know where things were heading, i.e why couldn't I see more of him and also his constant wittering about his female friends done in such a way as to make me feel insecure (on purpose). I'm stil in contact with the guy, I know I shouldn't be but like you I'm trying to make sense of things. As time is going on however I'm thinking more and more that I DID deserve to know how things were going. I DIDN'T deserve to be dumped before the holidays for having the nerve to want to be treated fantastically. Nearly three weeks on I can see that I was with a selfish manipulating bully. And I don't want him back. Just the idea of the great romance I could have had and the lonliness and pain to be gone. Because with how badly he behaved I still feel like the one with the problems and rejected and hurt.

 

And I was beating myself up for those texts that prompted the end. If only I hadn't sent them!!! And if I hadn't then I'd be still quite miserable, insecure, jealous, being dismissed for all three and made out to be like I was mad. So not an awful lot better off than I am now really?

[NewPhillyGuy]

Do NOT beat yourself about this. You bought plane a ticket, and he told you not to come and dumped you. There's nothing you could have done to change that. When people go through tough situations, we all go through this phase.

 

If I only would have done X, we'd be together and I'd be happy.

You must not do this to yourself. It will only make you feel worse. You will also be inclined to keep contacting and trying with him. You will also just push him farther away. He's already made his decision. You cannot change that.

 

I want you to ask yourself this question, and respond HONESTLY.

 

Were you HONESTLY HAPPY with him, and do you believe that it was not at all possible for you to do BETTER?

 

Considering what you told me about him spending so much time and money on these other girls, I am quite confident that you could do much better. If I were you, I'd take your time to heal. Eventually, you might look for a decent guy who's close to you, so you don't have to deal with the LD. It's most always a messy situation.

[sweetharmony]

hey phillyguy, thanks for your reply. no, he wasn't spending money on the other girls...they are good friends...but they were going dutch...sometimes to nice restuarants, sometimes to burger places. BUT i think it;s inappropriate..but he would have included me if i lived there. mostly he went out with them to catch up during the week...all his friends schedules are tight...most weekends we spent together...he either came up here or me down there...we were only 5 hours and he did make the commitment ...so i don't think they were dates. we spent about 3 weekends a month together and he was VERY committed to making that work. so despite the LD, we saw each other regularly. although it wasn't enough for me...since i felt out of his life the times we weren't together..like getting togetehr wiht his friends during the week, etc..on the weekends when i was there, we never got together with his friends, he said he wanted to cherish the time with me and then understood my pov and said he would try to include me more...but i always felt left out when he went to movies and dinners, or parties, happy hours, and others etc...but i met a lot of his friends...one is an 80 yr old woman, another 50 yr married woman, he has lots of them. he is friendly and people like him. i was TOO jealous and he always said if i was around and when i moved there next summer he WOULD include me ALWAYS. this was just the other day! i can't believe this. i pushed too hard and couldn't let things be. we wanted to grow together and i miss our weekly shabbat dinner where we;d discuss meaningful spirituality. ugggh, where is he when i need him. he truly is a KIND soul. i mean it. he helps his friends all the time, he has a wonderful family he'd do anything for. his father is a pastor and he just cares so deeply about everything...spirituality, psychology, the environment, animals, his clients (some wit severe mental illness). he truly is a wonderful person. and I feel with my insecurity i pushed him away with my nagging and complaining. i couldn't let things be. i really brought out the bad in him...and i feel terrible. a few weeks ago he told me he was in grief over the loss of our relationship *when were doing bad" but promised to make it work. i guess i didn;t do my part...he was trying hard and i don't know...i just kept nagging and not giving up on the past. oh please forgive me. i wish i could just tell him that i will really try this time. i didn't try hard enough b/c of insecurity. this is hard.

[sweetharmony]

and STUPID myspace. he was logged in all day yesterday...all of our photos (he posted so many of us) are still up there...still says in a relationship...everything. is he waiting for me to change mine so it says single? oh gosh, this sucks. he was the one who really wanted me (not even a month ago) to finally change mine from single to "in a relationship" which i hesitated b/c we were having a rough time. oh gosh, why would he do that then? and why when i told him that i was making plans for new years with my girlfriend he got upset and told me that he wanted to spend it with me?! and asked me to change plans. ok. rambling now. just venting everything.

[shell80]

needless to say, he told me that he thought he should love me by now and he doesn't and that he doesn't see a light right now.

 

I am so very sorry that you are hurting so much right now...no simple way out - it just sucks. We have all been there on this forum....so we understand.

 

The part of your story that stood out for me was this line....I am sorry but regardless of everything else involved in the relationship if he does not love you, then you need to move on. You deserve someone who is crazy madly in love with you....not someone who is not sure or doesnt feel it after 6 mths. I have been there...adn as much as you love him...it isnt enough unless it is returned in full. Ive also just been in teh LD situation too... Please dont beat yourself up about it...you had every right to want those dinners etc reserved for you.....the girlfriend. I have learnt from LD that it takes two people - and often unfortunately one person is a little more insecure than the other...and that is where it can go wrong. However this is normal, and the other partner should recognise this and be more obliging.

 

Again - i know how hard this is for you. Do you have friends where you are living who you can spend the holidays with? Dont be alone right now...you need people who care for you.

 

xx

[sweetharmony]

i know...but doesn't love grow over time? our fighting and nagging prevented that...but the intense chemistry and sincere caring was there.

 

I wasn't necessarily in love with him either yet, but though it could develop. we were "in love" at the beginning, but that faded once we started having problems. he would tell me he felt that he loved me (after two months) and told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...i know, i'm foolish...i didn't believe him as i knew it was too early. in fact, i asked him to stop saying it until he REALLY meant it...b/c i predicted that once it faded, i couldn't handle it.

 

I am depressed today...not doing well. yesterday angry, today i feel sick to my stomach. i'm at work trying to hold it together and just can't face anyone. i'm having crying spells. I really messed things up once again...this is the SAME cycle i repeat...pushing my bf away..insecurity, wanting too much, complaining, nagging. i'm afraid to get too close and so i keep at a distance and then pull too close once i feel the desire or sense abandonment. i miss him soo much and believe things really could have worked if i just stopped overanalyzing and twisting his words around! if i don't get help, i'm going to continue the same cycles over and over again. i am so afraid to get into a relationship again. i can't take the pain again. it's too much to bear. yes, it was short 6 mos....but we did get close and i want to tell him I'm sorry for hurting him. i want closure...i want him to know this time I will actually make an effort. I want to share all my real feelings which i didn't share. all i could say in our last fight was that he didn't listen to me and blaming him and saying I wasted my time with him, etc... and that he disrespected me and blah, blah, i didn't want to hear what he had to say.

 

needless to say, i want rewind. I want closure, forgiveness, redemption. why couldn't he give me that...why end it during a fight right before x-mas...we were supposed to work on moving forward. i just want that one more shot to make a difference. our chemistry was strong and we really care about one another. he did "love" me at one point. i want to explain rationally that we would really work things out.