My boyfriend's friends

[handsdown]

hmmm, not really sure where I should put this, but here goes.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, lived together for 2 of those years. We are pretty happy and have a strong relationship.

 

My problem is lately I've been worried about the influences in his life. When I met him he had a really bad view of women, came out of a lot of rotten relationships and had basically lost all respect for women. His parents had just gone through a nasty divorce where his mom had cheated on his dad, not pretty. but he has a really good heart and I saw that and he has NEVER treated me with disrespect. He's come a long way in the last couple years and has healed a lot.

 

The problem is he has a few friends and also his dad who still treat women like garbage and talk disrespectfully. Granted some of their statements are perfectly valid about the women they are discussing but I feel like they've become more and more judgmental and have started making generalizations. My boyfriend is pretty good about not participating but I can sense their influence as he does find what they say or do funny.

 

Let me explain

 

His co-worker is a creepy, drunk type. Always leering at women etc, you know the kind. The first time I met him he was drunk and started drooling and saying 'wow you're so hot' blah blah, and not in a complementing way, but in an objectifying way (this probably won't make sense to some guys, but most women will know what I'm talking about) It really bothers me, he also has been in and out of this really screwed up relationship with this crazy girl, and even though it's not MY business, it becomes my business because he's always talking about it and what a B#$@# she is and then he gets my boyfriend going and they bash certain characteristcs about her which may be true but are more likely exageratted. They are lawyers so they dwell a lot on the 'gold-digger' stuff.

 

His best friend, he has been friends with him since before he met me, I quite like. We are good friends as well. However he has been really going on a downward spiral in regards to women since he broke up with his girlfriend about 1.5 years ago. He's become, or at least he brags of becoming, the love them and leave them type and sleeping with pretty much anything that throws a shadow including clients of his, which is a total faux pas. He talks badly about women quite regularly to both my boyfriend and myself, in fact he is probably worse when I'm not around because even though I'm pretty open minded I am a woman after all.

 

The third and WORST one that bothers me is his dad. His dad is still very much in divorce mode, and has basically developed a real hatred for women. He's different in that he doesn't vocalize the disrespect, but displays it through behavior. This guy must be 'in a relationship' with about 10 women, and they all think they are in serious relationships with him. We have to endure going to dinner with all these different women so they can meet the 'family' and we can't even remember who is who. The women say how serious they are with his dad etc etc and it just makes me sick because it's all lies and we have to smile and say 'nice to see you again debbie, or is it sharon? no wait LINDA!'

 

I'm so agitated and offended by my boyfriend's friends and family I don't know what to do. I'm worried about how they may influence him, or better yet, how he could possibly be friends with and respect these men? I have not talked to him about this, I really should, but I have no idea where to start and how to deal with it. I have no solution for this, they are his friends and family, I can't ask him to cut them out NO WAY!!! Like I said, I quite like his best friend, and his dad aside from this behavior that's been just out of control lately.

 

Can someone help me see the light or give me some coping mechanism. Should I just laugh it off? Should I even be worried? My boyfriend has really come a long way but he still makes broad generalizations about women just wanting money and babies. I have my own career and make my own money and don't want kids, so I'm kind of exempt, but it still bothers me because I am still a woman, it's like making some statement about an ethnic minority being lazy right in front of that minority who isn't lazy at all, it's still disrespectful, even if it's not about them directly. Isn't it?

[Pinkbunny]

wow. that must be frustrating and disturbing at the same time. I mean having to be in the presense of all of your bf's dad's girlfriends. I definitley think thats an awkward position for you to be in. In reguards to the genralizations your bf is making, the next time he says that, ask him what exactly he means by it. Don't expect his bad opinions about women to change either. Just see what he else he tells you on his viewpoints of women. I think its a bad idea to be with someone who views women in a degrading manner, claiming all women want is money and babies. How degrading!! Tell him some women actually are ambitious. Some women do go to school and get a degree ALL ON THEIR OWN. They don't marry ever or have kids. Some women do however start their own businesses. Seriously that is disrespect since he's saying the comments right in front of you. There are no excuses for his comments, his friends comments, and his dad's behavior. Oh I would suggest you challenge his comments and his friends comments, since they probably will say something stupid again!

[handsdown]

thanks so much for the reply

 

I have challenged these opinions with my boyfriend and he agrees with me 100% that women are very capable and don't all want children, money etc etc. and are deserving of respect. It just seems like he gets into it with his friends and dad because they are so obsessed with disrespecting women and go on about it all the time. Mostly I just say things like 'well if they would date women that are worthy of respect, they wouldn't have this problem' and 'they like dating these types of people because it makes them feel better about themselves' and my boyfriend agrees completely.

 

Still bothers me though, I wish they'd just get OVER it and quit whining that all girls are bad just because they decided to be with the lowest of the low. As for his dad, there is no solution, what can we do? It bothers my boyfriend that he is doing this, but in a funny way, it would bother him more if his dad actually got with a woman he cared about because it isn't his mum, it's complicated.

 

His opinion has really changed, not because I told him to change it but because he has been with me and I've shown him through example that a girl can be respected responsible and successful on her own merits, he has also seen this through my friends and all our mutual friends who are in couples are like us, dual income no kids (DINKS ) so he has that example as well. It's just these three guys who drive me up the wall, and of all the people it had to be his co-worker, best friend AND his dad, the three people who would have the most influence on him.