he wants my password

[2tragic]

My boyfriend (of 6 months) and I were talking about exes tonight in the car and he started to question me of whether I still had feelings for my ex....I told him no and I meant it. I have not spoken to him in over a year and have no intention of it. He was not satisfied and convinced that I still have feelings for him(hes insecure because he leaves town for work for a month at a time). When we got home he told me that there was one thing he needed to see to be sure and told me to give him my myspace password so he could go in and monitor my messaging and make sure that what I was telling him was true.

 

I told him that he is being controlling and I think he needs help. This kind of behaviour could only lead to worse if I allow him to act it out. But he contends that If I had nothing to hide, than it would be no big deal. Any thoughts or similar situations out there?

 

bored,

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I think he has something to hide. If he was secure in his relationship with you, then he wouldn't be bugging you about being "unfaithful".

[buckdawg]

he's not insecure because he leaves town for a month at a time, he's insecure for other reasons...and they won't go away unless he does something about it.

 

otherwise you're correct in your reasoning. he's being very defensive and unreasonable.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I told him that he is being controlling and I think he needs help. This kind of behaviour could only lead to worse if I allow him to act it out

 

 

Not sure how to properly quote on here, but yeah. That phrase alone. you seem smart and the fact that you're questioning that his behavior could lead to worse behavior should tell you right there. If you think that its going to get worse be careful.

 

You're email and myspace is your privacy. He should trust you. and this is none of his business. I would never give my password to someone who demanded it.

[greensleeves]

This is controlling, possessive and insecure behaviour and ia good indication of what a future relationship will be like with this person. He has no right to ask this of you. I would back away from this guy.

[Myk_]

He has no real reason to need this password. Why should he have access to your myspace? Ok you're a couple, but he is a part of your life, not your whole life. That myspace account is yours.

 

It seems he does have severe trust issues, and he will need help. This will only annoy you more if it carries on, you're right.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Fruitylips. If there is no history of you having cheated on him or flirted with others, then there is no reason for him to be suspicious. He is acting to controlling and maybe that means HE has something to hide.

[Jess...]

Don't give him your password. No offence, but he is being ridiculous (just my opinion). If he trusts you, he shouldn't 'need' to know your password, or monitor who you talk to. That's invading your privacy, and controlling you. Neither are qualities you want in a bf. Perhaps you should talk to him and find out why he is really so insecure.

 

Has he been cheated on in the past? Does he have any reason not to trust you?

[annie24]

Not sure how to properly quote on here, but yeah. That phrase alone. you seem smart and the fact that you're questioning that his behavior could lead to worse behavior should tell you right there. If you think that its going to get worse be careful.

 

You're email and myspace is your privacy. He should trust you. and this is none of his business. I would never give my password to someone who demanded it.

 

i agree!!!!!!! i think he also sounds controlling, not good at all. he should trust you, especially if you've given him no reason to doubt you.

[wiser]

You know what's interesting about this thread...

 

It's usually written from the perspective of the BF, not the OP.

 

A typical post might be, "I have to leave town for a month or so at a time, and my GF won't give me the password to her myspace page and I suspect she is doing something behind my back. Do you think I am being reasonable in asking for her password?".

 

And the responses would likely be along the lines of..."has your GF given you any valid reasons for you to not trust her? Because if not, you are being possessive, controlling, and you will drive her away from you".

 

OP, if you have done nothing to cause him to distrust you, then he is out of line. He can deal with it, or not. It's not your problem.

[bzborow1]

There's absolutely no need for him to have your personal passwords.

[Diablo7000]

dnt let him have it, for one, it's your personal life and he has no reason knowing what goes on especially in the "MYSPACE" world, thats a bigger problem then it should be in the first place, i don't ask my g/f for her pasword, i get on it and check comments and stuff, and if i don't like something i ask her about it and she tells me and it's cool, im very faithful with her and shes faithful with me, the way i see it, if she cheats (not likely to happen AT ALL) then it's not my loss, she doesnt have anything to hide and i don't either, if you give him it, then if he see's something from a guy friend he thinks my be flirting with you or something, he'll get defensive it's just our jealous nature as a boyfriend, but don't give him it, he has no right on your myspace in the first place, heneeds to grow up and realize you have guy friends, it's not like girls shoud hang with girls and guys hang with guys, i hang with girls and i ok it with my girlfriend, if she dnt like it, i don't go but if she doesn't care i go see my friends i dnt get to see much, cause she trusts me and i trust her, but for real... tell him to grow up, myspace is a buncha crap anyway, made for connecting and basically a schedule thing soo u dnt have to call people all the time, and it's turned into more trouble then it's worth, yaaaaa.... but tell him to grow up if he persists on getting it, he don't have a right, any guy SHOULD/CAN notice that.... if you dnt trust someone you got issues probably because you're insecure with something yourself.. makes me wonder what he's hiding...

[2tragic]

Thanks to all for your support and advice. I have never cheated on him or lied and he knows that. The thing is, we have blurred the lines of personal property.... a lot. We share everything....I have his passwords but mainly because I take care of his bills why he's away and stuff like that....Not like I asked for them so I could spy on him.

 

I guess he feels somewhat entitled to my info because I know so much of his personal info....

 

I don't know what to do.....I don't want to break up, but I want him to own up to his problems and try to correct himself.....but he doesn't agree that he has any

[Myk_]

Maybe you both need your own independance back? Stop living so much in eachothers pockets? Take a step back, a breather, and concentrate on yourselves for a bit?

[annie24]

what do you mean, you take care of his bills while he is away? doesn't he have online banking!?!

[Diablo7000]

go smoke a ciggeratte you'll forget about it for a lil while lol

[Myk_]

You have been going out 6 months and you take care of his bills? Why doesn't he handle it? If your lines are blurred, then its time to clear them up a bit.

 

Exactly. They're his bills. His resonsibility.

 

You're his girlfriend, not his mum

[Konfetkette]

wow you pay his bills after 6 months??? And he has the guts not to trust you? Run away girl!!! This won't lead to anything good!

[No Spaces Rob]

OP, if you have done nothing to cause him to distrust you, then he is out of line. He can deal with it, or not. It's not your problem.

 

I believe he would be out of line either way actually. Even if you had cheated on him before (which you clearly haven't), such controlling behaviour is still a poor way for him to deal with his insecurity.

 

If he doesn't believe this behaviour is unhelpful and damaging to the relationship, I don't think you'll have very much luck in trying to 'change' him, I'm afraid. He may lash out and think you are personally attacking him. He would have to realise that it's wrong himself. I'd advise you to keep refusing to give your passwords for now. If he lashes out or you have a fight about it, let us know.

[cleo_gurl]

He doesn't trust you at all. I could see if in the past you had cheated or something and that is why he is acting this way but you haven't so he is being possessive and he has no right to treat you like this.

 

In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder why he is acting this way unless he is trying to hide something himself since you are doing nothing wrong. If you don't have trust you don't have a relationship.

[ryan123]

I think he's been cheated on before and maybe never really had closure to the cheating woman. So hes still beaten about it and in future relationships hes trying to make himself safe by wanting to know everything.

 

Up until you told me he lets you pay his bills I thought he just didn't trust you...But if he didn't trust you he wouldn't trust you with his bills.

 

Hell if I thought my GF wasn't trustworthy I wouldn't be like hey heres my account information and with that comes access to tens of thousands of dollars....Ummm no.

[valiantv]

He has to learn to trust you! If you gave him your password, you'd have been setting a bad precedent where he feels he has the right to "check you out" every time he doubts what you say! Good going on the handling of it, and I don't think you really needed to make this post you seem to have it under control.

 

I mean you might trust him enough to give him your password, but it should be freely offered, or maybe for a reason (you need to send an email but have no access to a computer or something), it should not be because he asks for it... to check on you! He has shown you no trust, and since you haven't done anything to lose his trust, the fault lies with him... You haven't, right?

[RayKay]

I don't know why you are paying his bills for him - how did he do it before you came along? You are not living together or have shared expenses I assume - there is no reason to do it. My boyfriend travels often for work too and manages to not need me to pay the bills he is responsible for (we do live together so some of them I handle). Don't become his mother!

 

Anyway....do not give him your password. His reasoning makes no sense anyway as if you WERE up to something, wouldn't you just tell people not to email you on myspace?

 

This is just ONE test, he will then push you for more and more until he finds what he wants too (even if means nothing!)

 

I have been with my boyfriend over three years, we live together, have a shared computer (along with our laptops for work/school) and do NOT have one another passwords and I would never even ask for it. If you trust someone, you simply have NO desire to snoop. Honestly, I have nothing to hide. If he saw my email he would find it rather uninteresting and if he did see it, I really would not care unless he was SPECIFICALLY trying to snoop and check up me - it is about personal boundaries and privacy. I also respect the privacy of my friends/family whom email trusting it to remain between us.

 

 

He may take the refusal as "proof" you are up to something, but if he cannot respect your boundaries and trust you when you have done no wrong it speaks more of HIM than it does of you. Something seems off here, and I wonder if HE is hiding something if he suddenly is pulling this kinda thing on you?

[Sully]

I will go against the grain here. My husband doesnt' understand why I would talk to people online that I don't know. He doesn't understand having friends from online that you never actually see. He has been cheated on in the past and felt uncomfortable with my being a member of boards like this one. I told him that I would not change who I am and what I do, but I gave him my passwords and he is more than welcome to come see what I do and talk about.

 

He doesn't, but he knows he can. If you two are close enough that you pay his bills and whatnot why does it matter if he reads your email?

[Rabican]

He is out of line.

 

I for one, am all in FAVOR of snooping. If it is justified. For example, if he finds a message on your myspace page from your ex saying, hey thanks for the shag last night, I really needed that! And you stare at him with a blank look and say ah... baby he was just joking. But you have no explaination for your whereabouts last night.... then snooping is in order.

 

However, to just say I dont trust you, you have to prove that I should, or can trust you in this regard is rediculous.

 

Tell him simply that you are innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. Either he trusts you or not. If he doesnt, giving him your password will not change that. He will simply decide that next he needs your phone bill, email passwords, bank statements etc. whatever his crazy mind comes up with.

 

I would stand firm with a NO on this issue if I were you, and then Id seriously sit him down and have a heart to heart talk, and if all else fails send him off for some therapy/ counselling. he may need it.

 

Keep in mind this is coming from a guy who has, and would snoop again if I think its warranted... but it should be avoided until your gut (or his) knows something is wrong. Not just to prove that something isnt wrong.