My girlfriend's EX is her "best friend"

[Adom]

I'm having a very hard time accepting that my girlfriend calls her ex-boyfriend her best friend. Especially because he's the only boyfriend she ever had, and they dated for seven years. It seems like everyday they IM or text, or talk on the phone, and quite frankly it is really bothering me. He calls her when he has a stomach ache. She confides in him about our relationship. Now he wants to come visit her because he is sad when I am away to see family, and he lives out of state! I really don't care if she wants to hang out with male friends or talk to someone about us - that's good, but of all the people she could talk to, it has to be him!?!

 

I told her that it bothered me over the weekend - and that I just couldn't accept the idea of him coming over to visit from out of state (and likely staying over!) She said she has to see him sometime because they made some promise before they started dating to always be friends no matter what. I unfortunately blurted out, "that's {Mod edit}" . I then tried to explain that it was naive and you can't magically go back to being truly platonic friends after everything that happened. And that by continuously keeping in contact with him she is holding on to a deep emotional connection with him and not moving on, and it's causing a problem for us. I asked her what she would feel if she were in my shoes and she said that it would really bother her and she understands. However she is steadfast in her belief that this is a normal innocent friendship, and that it would be "cruel" to end it.

 

I can't force her to do what I want, and trying sure wouldn't make things better. But how can I possibly accept this kind of arrangement when it bothers me so much? It really seems wrong to me. I think she has a low self-image and needs constant attention, and just isn't strong enough to end it. I also think she is playing little games with him, trying to make him jealous. She sometimes tells me about it like it's supposed to make me proud or something, but really it just makes me wonder why she is even bothering, and what her deeper motivations are.

[annie24]

i understand why you feel uneasy - i would too! i would think about walking away from this relationship, not sure if things between him and her are done. it would sure bother me. it's one thing to stay 'friends' with an ex, but this sounds a bit too close, especially if they don't have children together.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

After reading the first two paragraphs, I was actually going to say that you should have some trust in her, but after reading the third paragraph, I really think that you should probably leave this woman alone.

 

If she's still trying to make him jealous, then she cares about him. Why else would someone want to hurt someone else? Because she still cares about him. I really do think you should go with your instinct on this one. If you feel you can't take this "friendship" that they have, then you need to get out. Especially, if you are suspecting that she is still deeply emotionally connected to him. You need to make yourself happy, and if you stay with her and play her games, you will eventually end up getting hurt.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Yeah that is weird that she is doing this. I'd probabally leave her alone. I know i would be very uncomfortable if i was dating a girl and she did that. She sounds like she may still have feelings, but if she is messing with his mind whos to say she won't do the same to you.

 

If she really truly cares for you she will pursue you. If she cares about him she will pursue him. If it was me i'd give it time and defineately space.

[Darkness_Falls]

Ok, I may be able to help you out a lot here since my ex is my best friend and I actually live with him as well (and 2 of my other mates). He was my first proper boyfriend and basically it ended 3 and a half years later because we became friends instead of lovers, it just happened. But we had become such great friends that we didn't want to throw that away. I confide in him and also in my bf when I need advice. My bf is 100% fine with the situation and we all hang out together, and I get on great with my exes gf.

 

A weird situation? Sure. Do we get judged like hell for it? Yep. Because people don't understand. But I am honest from the word go with a new bf and some could handle it and others couldn't. I told them if they want to go out with me then they will need to accept my situation, I would never throw away such a great friend for a bf. Am I over him? Yes I am. Do I still care for him? Indeed I do and I will be there for him no matter what happens in our lives. Does this take away any love for my bf? No, that is a separate relationship and a different kind of love.

 

I can understand why it would bother you. It is viewed as a strange situation by people who don't understand it. I would listen to your gf on this one, and trust that she is over him and that they are just best mates. Although, I would have said it would be better for you to meet him and hang out for a bit because it can be more reassuring once you have met the ex. I know it was like that for my exes gf. She was nervous about meeting me and the situation but we have formed a bond now and it's great.

 

People can end up friends with their exes. I would advise you not to try to get your gf to stop contacting her ex but it would be better to meet him I think than him come over when you aren't there, at least the first time.

 

Of course, I can't speak for everyone who is friends with their exes. I can just say that it is easier than you think depending on the reason for their break up.

[inlove123]

Unfortunately I lost a relationship with my gf of 2 years due to jealousy and it all matters on how you want to deal with her. But I will tell you something for certain, jealousy eats away at any relationship and the longer your with someone, the more jealous you will become and the more detrimental it will become. But dont take this badly. I dont know a single person who would be ok with what your going through. And now hes spending the night? Yeah right, thats not how things work.

 

My honest advice bro...hes her best friend and no offense your the new guy. Hes got more on you than you do on him. Why waste your time with a girl like that?

 

I apologize if this post came off as pessimistic but your either born a jealous person or not. You can only hide jealousy for so long. Watching the decay of a relationship because of jealousy is painful to watch. I would leave before you get more attached.

[tiredofvampires]

And now hes spending the night? Yeah right, thats not how things work.

 

I disagree with a lot of what you say, inlove (I do not believe jealousy is so inborn that it is out of our control, like hair color.)

 

But this quote really shows how people think THEIR way of thinking is THE way of thiking, as though this is fact.

 

100 pts. for Enchanted_Myst for her post -- that was my situation exactly, except that I didn't have the good sense to simply say, "Some guys will be okay with it, some won't" and let the chips fall where they may. Instead, I met my bf and he didn't trust my sincere statements at ALL, and I spent the entire relationship trying to justify myself about having such a close relationship with the man who I'd been with before. He knew me more than anyone, so confiding in him was worth a lot more than other guys' advice. My bf just couldn't fathom or respect that.

 

Of course, I am not the norm. Not in the general population, if ENA is any gauge. I presented a situation on here that had occurred, where me and my ex-ex (the guy before my bf -- now ONLY my best friend) had both been invited to a wedding far away, so we got a hotel room together (his mom paid for it, so I just accepted it as a gift). This was so we didn't have to go driving more miles and miles on a rainy night after the wedding was over. The reason my bf could not be there, too (and I would have LOVED for him to be!) was that we were in a long distance relationship. I was deeply in love with him and professed it every single day in every way. But I wanted to go to this wedding, an evening wedding, and enjoy the poshness of a free hotel room stay! My friend (ex-ex) and I slept in different beds, just like roomies. THAT WAS ALL. And in fact, if we had gotten separate bedrooms (as people blasted me on here that I should have gotten), what would have stopped us from sneaking around and hooking up anyway? This was out in the open, nothing to hide, I just wanted to have fun and be trusted!! Well, society says, "that is not how things work" or like the OP says, "that's *******" Oh? What about how I feel, what I think? I don't think society can creep into my brain and figure out my motivations and tell me what I'm thinking!

 

To me, love is trying to understand what is REALLY going on in the head of your beloved and caring to take that to heart. Not going by some cookie-cutter recipe for "how things are done." My bf didn't want to take the time to stretch his brain around this concept. Why? Because probably if it were him, he could not hold down such a solid relationship. If he was with an ex, he probably could not or would not have been as innocent, so he just wouldn't even think of doing that. But he was projecting that onto me, and that wasn't fair.

 

Now if your gf, OP, is "trying to make her ex jealous", that is a little different. But I am not clear whether she is, or YOU THINK she is. I am not sure what your conception of "trying to make her ex jealous" is, and it might be similarly misguided as your other notions are, about her behaviors. But if you presented something that truly was manipulative of her ex, then I would say that is not cool. Just because it is hurtful to another person, and I would question that on its own grounds, all by itself (outside what it means for you as a couple.)

 

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, from the info that you've given here. If she is like me, or other women like us, she is telling you the truth.

 

BTW, my relationship with "Jealous Boy" ended. I understand why he was upset, but it was based on false insecurities about me. I simply could not compromise who I was and who I cared about just to prove I loved him, which I did in every other way. But recently, I was on a roadtrip with my friend (the old ex), and again, we spent many a night together in motels. NOTHING HAPPENED, again we were just roomies. And BOTH of us are single!! So there was nothing to stop us from hanky panky. We just didn't do it because that part of our relationship IS OVER.