What does this mean? Cancel?!

[KeetyPryde]

Hi, I'm Kit, I'm 24 and like a lot of people here, I want my ex back. Broke up after six months with the "I love but not IN love" yadda, yadda. Never really could bring myself to do strict NC. I go him Chanukah gift and he emailed to thank me, we talked on the phone. Some emails and most phone calls initiated by me. Bad I know. He always returns them promptly but he only has sent two non-initiated emails, but come to think of it, he did initiate one phone call since break.

 

He's in grad school and sharing an apt. with my best friend's bf, which makes this whole thing even more awkward. I'm trying to be "friendly." Told him straight out that I can't be his friend and that if I ask him to hang out, it's as someone who is attracted to him and if he can't deal with that then he should just turn me down. I asked him to dinner and he said he had other plans but suggested another day during the week. I couldn't, so he suggested a day the week after, and I said OK.

 

My friend's bf has told her (and she has told me) that he is placing ads on match and also answering craigslist ads. It hurt me, but I understood that the relationship we had was over and clinging or yelling at him about trying to find someone new would do more harm than good. But then my friend told me today something her bf told her last night and it's been bugging me so much. I just usually lurk here to soak up the wisdom but I am really getting paranoid and I need someone to just let me talk this through.

 

My friend said her bf saw my ex at the computer emptying his "sent" email files and that all of them were emails he sent to craigslist ads that day. In other words, he was trashing the copies of responses his sent to particular ads. My friend said that her bf stressed that the only ones he was sending to the trash were the ones he sent that particular day, not older ones. My friend said she asked him what he thinks that might mean and she said her bf said he didn't really know. He said my ex had gone home for the weekend (which I knew about) and that maybe he met someone there but then he didn't understand why he would answer more ads if he met a girl he liked. My friend said her bf told her that he had no idea why my ex would want to "erase the evidence" of girls he tried to contact yesterday, it makes no sense.

 

I am wondering if I should cancel the date, because the only way this makes sense is that if he met some girl he wasn't sure about, he started answering the ads and she called him or something after he answered some and he started trashing the responses he sent. My friend said in that case my ex would cancel his dinner with me because it's the only day he has free and if he's seeing some girl now he isn't going to want to spend his only free day with his ex. I have asked her from now on not to repeat ANYTHING her bf finds out about my ex because it is nerve wracking but I have no idea what to do here. Should I preempitvely cancel?

 

I may not be explaining this the best way so sorry if it's a little confusing. I hope people can follow what I'm trying to say and ask.

[watermelon]

another thing- you told him that if you asked him for dinner it was as someone who fancied him and not as a friend. so....did he take this in. my question is did he accept dinner because he fancied you and maybe thing could start again or becasue your his ex....?

[Aleadragonhawk]

The first thing that I want to address, and what I think is most important in this case, is the flow of gossip that you have coming in from your ex's room-mate. I know that the temptation is there to know everything about him that you can, but if you look closely at this, it isn't really fair to him. How would you feel if your room-mate were communicating information about your dating and internet habits to your ex? This is an invasion of privacy, and you can already see how it is affecting your attempts to reconcile. He knows that the dinner is going to be romantic, and has agreed to go (even went out of his way to make a date with you), but you're now considering calling him to cancel over information you've heard third-hand about him deleting messages.

 

If you want to reconcile, I think that it is very important for you to stop the flow of gossip and interact with him directly, not through information that others give you about him. There are numerous reasons that he could have taken the actions that he did, and if he met someone else and wanted to not go out to dinner with you, he'd call you. You're only going to second-guess yourself if you continue in this pattern.

 

The dinner is a great sign, especially since you've made it clear that it is a romantic thing, and you should definitely go.

[Amore]

If you want to reconcile, I think that it is very important for you to stop the flow of gossip and interact with him directly, not through information that others give you about him. There are numerous reasons that he could have taken the actions that he did, and if he met someone else and wanted to not go out to dinner with you, he'd call you. You're only going to second-guess yourself if you continue in this pattern.

 

This is exactly the advice I was going to give. You seem pretty firm in your decision to not do NC with him, but any "contact" with him shouldn't be gossip from your friend. Not only is it not fair to him, but like you said, it's nerve wracking for you. You should be focusing on getting your life in shape to appear confident and independent when you go on this date with him, not busy overanalyzing everything your friend hears that he's doing.

 

As long as you've made it clear that it's a romantic thing (which it seems like you have), I wouldn't cancel over the possiblity that he *might* have another date because he deleted some emails. Is he the one who broke up with you? If so, I'd advise against speaking about the relationship unless he brings it up. I've been on the other side of the situation, where I broke up with my boyfriend because I wasn't sure if I loved him or not, and anytime he brought up our relationship it just pushed me further and further away. Once he got on with his life, I realized how much I truly loved him.

 

I hope everything goes well Keep us updated!

[TMinCali]

I've been on the other side of the situation, where I broke up with my boyfriend because I wasn't sure if I loved him or not, and anytime he brought up our relationship it just pushed me further and further away. Once he got on with his life, I realized how much I truly loved him.

 

 

It seems to always happen that way, doesn't it. I can totally relate!

[KeetyPryde]

Thanks everyone. I have definitely put the word out to my friend that I dont want to know any more "second hand" information and she has agreed to stop passing along any tidbits. The thing I'm wondering now is if I should call to confirm or something. I don't think he'd "forget" that we have a date, but I don't know, I was told that since I initiated the date, I should call him no later than two days before to confirm time and place and I was planning on calling him on Wednesday, but today I bumped into one of his old coworkers who avoided mentioning his name (so I guess he heard through the grapevine that we'd broken up) and I wonder if that's some sort of sign to call him or something.

 

Or am I grasping?

[Aleadragonhawk]

Totally grasping. If you want to call him casually and just say "Hey, just wanted to make sure that we're still on", that'd probably be okay, but don't assume that anything weird is going on or that he's interested in someone else.