My involvement with Child Protective Services

[wiser]

I'm writing this post more to "get it out", rather than ask for specific advice, but you are welcome to comment as you see fit. I appreciate the advice I have received on this forum to date, from both the members, and the moderators.

 

I am in the middle of a very hostile divorce which has been going on for the past year or so...

 

There was involvement by Child Protective Services early on, a year ago May to be exact, due to the "toxic conditions in the home", which was cited as a causal factor in my older daughters hiccups for 5 days in a row. After speaking with her, the pediatrician decided that CPS involvement was necessary. It turns out the hiccups were due to Tourettes syndrome, which the pediatrician incorrectly diagnosed as asthma for over 7 years.

 

After numerous interviews by CPS caseworks, I was "indicated", read that as "found guilty", not of abuse or neglect, but of the lesser charge of "improper guardianship". A record was placed on file with the State Central Registrar, which would be accessible by future employers, adoption agencies, etc...should I ever want to work in a setting involving children, I would be seriously questioned and probably not permitted to do so. In addition it would give my stbxw a significant edge in upcoming custody, visitation issues.

 

CPS found me an improper guardian because I:

 

1) Offered to teach my older daughter to shoot a handgun. I didn't. During a heated argument with my wife, whereby she wanted me to rip out the glass front door that I recently installed, and replace it with a solid wood one (rather than just hang blinds on it or something reasonable), because my older daughter was afraid of "being watched"....the house is on a wooded acre by the way, set back from the street...I said in my typical sarcasm, "I might as well teach her how to shoot my gun".

 

2) I "yelled at the family dogs in front of my younger daughter", and caused her extreme emotional distress. My stbxw bought them when I was out of town on a scuba diving trip, and they were allowed to crap all over the house and barked almost nonstop. I had relinquished my dog 6 months before to help my daughters "asthma". My wife bought those dogs before she was correctly diagnosed as having Tourettes.

 

3) I "threatened to throw my older daughter in the car". Yup. She wouldnt get in the car and go with me to a dentist appointment. She wanted to stay home. She has recently been diagnosed with Tourettes, and she has real emotional issues. We were at a stand off, I lost my temper and I did say that.

 

So I requested a "fair hearing" to drop the indicated finding against me, even though it would never affect me as a self employed optometrist. I just didnt want it on my file.

 

Finally after a years worth of delays, the fair hearing convened. My attorney had warned me that usually CPS cases are "rubber stamped" and are not usually changed during a fair hearing. After hearing the caseworker's presentation, the judge dropped the entire case without me having to say a word.

 

That much said...

 

The kids still arent talking to me, they are in counseling, the law guardian and psychologist are aware of the parental influence and they are working on it.

 

There's no doubt that some of the yelling and screaming I did during the time I was home contributed to the alienation, but c'mon...I never laid a hand on my children, I have always provided for them, and I am not a drug user or an alcholic.

 

This divorce is going to cost me 200k before its through, but hopefully it will be done within 6 months. We do not speak, I have tried to communicate with her about simple issues rather than doing it through the attorneys. Its impossible. I recently got a bill for $970. For glasses and contacts from Cohen's Fashion optical. I will go to jail before I pay that bill.

[jettison]

It's always after I've read a post like this that I become almost terrified of the idea of marriage. It's always beyond sad when hate is singing the ending that love started to say.

[wiser]

I forgot to add one point.

 

The Judge overseeing the CPS case dropped the charges on the condition that the children's law guardian would write a letter in support of doing just that.

 

The children's law guardian is intricately involved with the case, has interviewed both children, myself, and my stbxw extensively...as well as the psychologist treating the children. In fact, she recommended this particular psychologist who is also an attorney and testifies quite often in divorce cases.

 

The law guardian had requested that CPS drop the charges over a year ago (obviously they didn't), and she, as well as the psychologist/attorney, immediately produced letters in support of dismissing the case against me because they felt it was totally without merit.

 

Eventually, the truth does come out.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If your children don't want to talk to you don't push them. They probably see you as a tyrant and if you force them to be in contact it will only make that more solid in their minds.

 

Let them work out their emotions, let them decide to forgive, let them be conformable with themselves and find their own ways to adjust.

[EllisBreaks]

Oh wizer, I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible mess!!!! How horribly spiteful of her to take them to an optometrist. Just try to remember that this too will pass and life won't seem to stand still for you once it's over. I'm sorry, that i can't give you very good advice. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

 

I know how you feel as i've been there too. My ex and his mother played that card with me when I left him. They didn't have anything on me in terms of being an unfit mother. So they thought that they could make me look bad, because there is a history of sexual abuse in my family.

 

They called CPS and lied, saying my children had said they were abused. My ex MIL is a social worker, so she knew the procedure, that they have to follow. She did it, just to put me through that hell, knowing fully that nothing would come of it. Not only did she put me through hell, but she put HER grandchildren through that horrible mess as well. I still shake with rage when i think about it all.

 

My children had to go through the "procedure" 3 times. The first time they went through the police interview, and doctor examination and interviews with SW's. The case was dropped. The second time, I explained to the doctor what was going on, and he talked to my daughter, and could see she was fine. He told me to get a lawyer. Wrote a letter to the constable handling the case for me, and thats as far as that went. The 3rd time, the case was thrown out the window immediatley.

 

They told me that i wasn't allowed to be alone with them, and couldn't have any contact with my family, if i was to stay with my exH and the kids. It was Xmas time, and all the SW were on holidays. I was 18 years old and had no idea what my rights were in this matter. It was hell.

 

It is a very nerve wracking thing to go through, just dealing with manipulative ex's that pull this sort of crap is mentally exhausting. I'm glad to hear that it didn't go on your record.

 

Take care,

 

Ellis

[wiser]

How horribly spiteful of her to take them to an optometrist.

 

Even more spiteful to send me the bill and expect me to pay it. And what sort of message does that send to the kids? And to the optometrist who examined them, for that matter.

 

They called CPS and lied, saying my children had said they were abused.

 

I should feel lucky. The only thing that has NOT happened is allegations of physical or sexual abuse to her or my children, and I have not been placed in jail on bogus charges.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

how many pairs of glasses are there for $970? a pair of glasses these days can cost $450... so if you've got a couple kids, this can happen.

 

i know you are angry at what this is costing, but pursuit of 'winning' or 'not giving in' can be trouble... if you refuse to pay for your children's glasses and have been ordered to pay their healthcare costs, you could be adjudged to be in contempt of court.

 

please pick your battles... divorce can turn into a battleground, where every little thing is a contest. you were correct to defend yourself against false allegations, but for the sake of your children, please try to de-escalate.

 

if you don't pay for the glasses, this could be warped into 'your father doesn't care about you enough to pay for glasses...' you don't want that to happen.

[wiser]

how many pairs of glasses are there for $970? a pair of glasses these days can cost $450... so if you've got a couple kids, this can happen.

 

if you don't pay for the glasses, this could be warped into 'your father doesn't care about you enough to pay for glasses...' you don't want that to happen.

 

I'm an optometrist. With my own practice and a dispensary filled with eyeglasses and contact lenses. I have examined my children's eyes every year of their lives, right up until last year.

[CarnelianButterfly]

if you don't pay for the glasses, this could be warped into 'your father doesn't care about you enough to pay for glasses...' you don't want that to happen.

Not only that, but if your children don't want to talk to you, how is it possible to do a proper eye exam? You need open communication with a patient and they have to be comfortable with the person they are entrusting their care to.

[wiser]

Not only that, but if your children don't want to talk to you, how is it possible to do a proper eye exam? You need open communication with a patient and they have to be comfortable with the person they are entrusting their care to.

 

I don't expect you to understand, because there is no way to know my particular situation and every one of them is different.

 

When I was in contact with my children, and I was alone with them, they were fine. I last saw my youngest in June, she cuddled in my arms after a great day at the beach and fell asleep. 2 weeks later she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

My oldest daughters feelings for me went up and down in synch with how I was getting along with her mother. When they were with me, away from the influence of their mother, they were just fine. Any eye exam would have been no problem at all.

 

I know as I sit here and write this, that if the courts had ordered my children to be with me, they would be in contact with me now, and all would be ok. Well, reasonably ok.

[CarnelianButterfly]

You wrote this.

The kids still arent talking to me, they are in counseling, the law guardian and psychologist are aware of the parental influence and they are working on it.

 

When I was in contact with my children, and I was alone with them, they were fine. I last saw my youngest in June, she cuddled in my arms after a great day at the beach and fell asleep. 2 weeks later she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

My oldest daughters feelings for me went up and down in synch with how I was getting along with her mother. When they were with me, away from the influence of their mother, they were just fine. Any eye exam would have been no problem at all.

And then you write this. So it is not the same.

 

You're children were traumatized by the household you and your wife kept. Imagine if she had brought them to you, you would have had to deal with her, you would have had to deal with her picking at every part of your diagnosis. She would have complained about the glasses or contacts the children got. The girls would have seen more turmoil between you two. Her taking them elsewhere saved you from dealing with her and your children dealing with that. If the bill for the glasses was $970, then you should pay half, ask for a copy of the receipt.

[wiser]

Imagine if she had brought them to you, you would have had to deal with her, you would have had to deal with her picking at every part of your diagnosis. She would have complained about the glasses or contacts the children got. The girls would have seen more turmoil between you two. Her taking them elsewhere saved you from dealing with her and your children dealing with that. If the bill for the glasses was $970, then you should pay half, ask for a copy of the receipt.

 

Imagine if she dealt with things in a mature, non-alienating parental way.

 

And she said, "children, I am going to drop you off at your father's office, and he is going to examine your eyes and refit you with new glasses and contact lenses."

 

She would NOT have been present, the children would have been "forced" to spend time with the father who has been there for them since they were born, and it would have been ok. It would have been a good opportunity for me to rebond with them or at the very least, "touch base" and remind them firsthand how much I love them and care for them.

 

She has handled things in an immature, horribly destructive way and has compounded the problems that were created in our admittedly toxic household during our marriage.

 

At some point it has to stop. Leaving it completely up to the therapist is not going to solve the problem.

[CarnelianButterfly]

She's immature, you can't change that, but acting immature in response isn't going to help. Your children are in the middle, if you act like a reasonable person, not jumping at her throat, taking the high ride, not rising to her bait, your children will see how off center she is. If Mom is always freaking out, making wild statements, but Dad focuses on them, helps them, ignores the mother, puts all his effort in being calm they will see you as a better person.

 

Your strategy to get through this should be to control your anger, control your emotions and not play games. If a medical expense comes up, pay it, you can dispute it in court later. If you pay it now your kids don't hear how their Dad doesn't care about them, but part of the divorce settlement should include you provide optical care.

[wiser]

Your strategy to get through this should be to control your anger, control your emotions and not play games. If a medical expense comes up, pay it, you can dispute it in court later. If you pay it now your kids don't hear how their Dad doesn't care about them, but part of the divorce settlement should include you provide optical care.

 

I understand what you are saying, and you make some good points. I honestly can't say if you are "right" about the eye exam elsewhere thing. Instinctively it just seems like it is making things worse and painting me out to be even more of a "monster" in the eyes of my children than I already am.

 

But who knows. You make sense. It's so much easier to give advice than to take it.

[JadedStar]

I agree with CB. Your only real ammunition in this is to remain calm and cool headed. You already know she wont' be, so your only hope is that if you are that way and stay that way eventually the kids will have to notice and you will have contact with them again.

 

I know it is hard - i am a bit of a hot head myself so I know it is easier said then done when you feel that you are being railroaded but it is in my personal opinion your only ammo right now in this.

 

I had to do this once only a different situation. It was with my daughter and the guy she was seeing. I really didn't like him, i felt he was horrific for her and didn't mind saying so and over time it really put a bad dent in my relationship with my daughter. I finally had to swallow my pride and my anger and once I did it all ended up working out. the anger kept yielding me the exact opposite of what i hoped would happen.