SugaCane Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Hi...I really need some help.. I have a 1 year old daughter...her father lives abroad...we've never been together but are friends for more than 8 years now. When I got pregnant he was really shocked and wanted me to get rid of the baby...After I told him I will keep the baby we broke tie..until our daughter was 9 weeks old. At that time I tried to indroduce her to her father but it ended in failure..instead he's sent me some horrible text messages...the problem..he was scared that his ex, and mother of his 8 year old son would find out, and exclude him from his son's live ( sth. I don't really want to discuss here...cause actually she's not really involved..) Anyways..I knew that she was the only reason why he acted this way..that's why I decided to send her an email and explain my situation..it worked..he finally apologized for his ungentlemanly behaviour towards me...he told me he wish to see his daughter but for a while nothing happened...then I decided to travel and introduce his daughter...He was delighted from the first second he saw her.. Now I travelled about four times so he could spend some time with his child...everything was good..also the way we acted towards each other...I know now that he has no bad feelings for me or our child..but somehow I miss commitment from his side...he says he's thinking of her all the time and he wishes only the best for us...but he never got his ass on a plane and came here..last time I saw him I tried to explain that I'm really unhappy about the way he behaves and that I wish he would get involved a bit more... He said he's scared to get emotionally involved...now that I still love him I let him see his daughter..but one day I will find a new partner and he will be excluded from his daughters live ( I have to mention, that he has a teenage daughter he has never seen, for her mother didn't want him to..) The whole situation seems like deja vu for him...but I know,that I will never ever act this way with or without new partner..cause I love him as father of my child and this feeling will never change. I want him to love her the way he loves his son..I want her to bond with him...don't get me wrong..I do believe that he is a wonderful person ( just a bit difficult ;-) ) and I understand his concernes...but I don't know how to make him believe that I will never shut him out..any ideas?!PLEASE.... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Hi There, I am sorry for your situation. I do think you are doing all the right things- encouraging him to get involved, bringing her to see him, telling him you want him to be a part of her life. Unfortunately you can't force him to do more than he wants to. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and continue to facilitate visits and involvement. Good luck. Link to comment
flower99 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Well I think what you've done is wonderful. And Like Hope said, you're doing all the right things by encouraging him & bringing her to see him & keeping the lines of communication open. However like she said 'you can't force him to do more than he wants' and honestly you can't make him believe anything, he chooses to believe what he wants... Personally i find most of his excusses...just that excuses. He may have fears, he may have deja vu, but this is his child..because he's afraid you might cut him out of his childs life in the future is no reason to take no steps to be in his childs life now. And if that really is his fear than he should know there are ways of protecting himself from that, court order giving visitation rights. It's not YOUR job to maintain communication between the two of them, You've done your part & you continue to do your part by keeping the lines open. But he must do his part, by caring enough to take the steps & maybe a plane ride. All you can do is keep encouraging him, but really that's all you can do. He has to make the choice & take the steps & stop making excuses. I hope I don't sound to harsh towards to father. but I've been there & I've done what you've been doing for years....it's gets frustrating & It bit me in the butt. Link to comment
Mysterygirl Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I am also sorry for your situation. What about his family, like his mom or sister or someone that can bond with your daughter, then at least your little girl will know her family and in time her dad might come around. I don't want to say it, and i hope in your case it isnt true but, some guys have been known to say those kinds of things as excuses to not be involved. I guess all you can really do is keep the lines of communication open with him and continue to reassure him that you want him and her to have a close father daughter relationship. I have said this before and i will probably say it a thousand more times ... document everything! Keep a journal and write down the days and times that u guys have talked .. keep a document of the days you have offered him visitation with his daughter and he has denied (be sure to write what his excuse was) .... You never know what the future will hold .. and having all of that documented may help you in years to come ... Good Luck I hope everything turns out the way you want it to Link to comment
flower99 Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 I have said this before and i will probably say it a thousand more times ... document everything! Keep a journal and write down the days and times that u guys have talked .. keep a document of the days you have offered him visitation with his daughter and he has denied (be sure to write what his excuse was) .... You never know what the future will hold .. and having all of that documented may help you in years to come ... Good Luck I hope everything turns out the way you want it to Yes absolutely. I fully agree. Even if you think you will NEVER need it. Do it anyways. You never know what the future holds & what will come. Keep records of everything.Like mysterygirl said, every time you offer visitaions & every time he denies & his reasons. Link to comment
SugaCane Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 Thanks for your advice!I hope our situation will change soon...He said he will come here in January...we'll see..unfortunately he says a lot of things but doesn't act accordingly..somehow I got the feeling that we are just second best ..second class people, and his son and mother are first class... Feeling so sorry for my child. Of course she doesn't really know him..she is too young to understand..and maybe if she won't see him at all she won't miss him..cause you can't miss what you don't know..but I think it only works in the beginning, and one day, when she is old enough to understand, she wants to know where and who her father is.......... Sorry for my bad english..;-) Link to comment
rocio Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 ...now that I still love him I let him see his daughter..but one day I will find a new partner and he will be excluded from his daughters live Have you done anything to make him think you're in love with him or wish for a relationship with him? Link to comment
SugaCane Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 Have you done anything to make him think you're in love with him or wish for a relationship with him? we know each other for 8 years now, and he always knew that I love him..and of course, now that we have a child, I wish we were together, like a real family..nevertheless I made it very clear to him, that this is not what I ask of him...I told him many times, that it's not about me, it's about our daughter... I just want him to see her on a regular base ( and I don't mean once a year, of course!!! ) and show a bit more interrest Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 we know each other for 8 years now, and he always knew that I love him..and of course, now that we have a child, I wish we were together, like a real family..nevertheless I made it very clear to him, that this is not what I ask of him...I told him many times, that it's not about me, it's about our daughter... I just want him to see her on a regular base ( and I don't mean once a year, of course!!! ) and show a bit more interrest This reminds me of an episode of home improvement on how the lines of communication are different between Men and Women Stop Sign: Women's stop sign: If you knew me, you'd know what to do Men's stop sign: STOP haha my point. you need to tell him the exact words you told us.. he can't read your mind Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I was pretty much in the same boat 14 years ago. You are not responsible for the relationship your daughter's father has with her. You cannot force it. He may be hesitant to see the baby and get involved in the baby's life because he may be afraid you will use the baby as a hold on him. I suggest setting up a support/visitation agreement with him. He may feel more comfortable with that... I understand how difficult this must be for you. Post back if you feel the need. Good luck!! Link to comment
SugaCane Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 He may be hesitant to see the baby and get involved in the baby's life because he may be afraid you will use the baby as a hold on him. I suggest setting up a support/visitation agreement with him. He may feel more comfortable with that... I don't think that this is a problem to him cause I'm quite sure, that I act very 'professional' towards him...and, I mean he always knew about my feelings and it has never been a problem to him..if this child wouldn't be there we still were very good and intimate friends...and the thing with support/visitation agreement is exactly what I want, but as long as he doesn't put any effort it's just hopeless. my point. you need to tell him the exact words you told us.. he can't read your mind I told him the exact words...but yes, I think there is a problem in our communication..whenever I ask him something he's only pulling a face or so but don't give an answer..this is really annoying Link to comment
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