Confused man needs help (long thread)

[mancunian]

I have deleted this for privacy reasons

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are splashing your money around and she is taking advantage of this. Are you REALLY a nice guy like you say...it sounds to me like you are trying to turn on the charm a little too much and taking advantage of the age difference as you are a lot more experienced in life. Don't equate money with love. It sounds to me like you are her sugar daddy.

[lilypadgirl]

I agree with crazyaboutdogs. I think you're turning on the charm and flaunting the money a bit much. It can feel overwhelming at the start of a relationship.

 

Also, I'm a little puzzled too when you say you love or falling in love with her already even though she really hasn't told you much about herself. Make sure you're not idealizing her or the situation (ie: being in love with love/romance) because you seem to like to do romantic things based on your description.

[DivineNess]

i agree. all the money you are spending all the gestures you are doing for her is probably overwhelming for her. you are showing way too much emotion early on and that could be a turn off for her since you don't know each other yet. as far as her using you for your money, you basically put it on a platter for her. stop offering to pay for her courses and stop buying her so many things then you will know if she is really there for you or for what you can buy.

[mancunian]

Thank you for your replies I am very grateful. I think I have been spending so much money because

 

1. I am insecure about my age and looks (although I am not bad looking for 39)

 

2. She is surrounded by millionaire shoppers evry day in the most expensive part of London

 

3. She has expensive taste (champagne and designer clothing)

 

I am 100% genuine as else I would find a girl who does not live 200 miles away and just use her.

 

I have fallen for her as she does have some nive qualities and I respect her. I am just worried that I am being used.

 

She has said "are you trying to buy me" but then she never offers to pay for anything and quite happily accepts expensive holidays!

 

I am not that experienced in love and I think she is quite used to the love jungle more than me as an immigrant with no money coming to the UK at 18 I know she has met alsorts of bad people.

 

If only she would write me a short note or send me a small gift or show me affection then I would not feel so insecure. I just need a sign that she actually likes me.

 

I welcome any further replies and advice as to waht I should do now!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are that insecure then you should be working on yourself. Buying someone's affections is going to end up with you feeling even more insecure. I would say back off and let her initiate things...and then go to places that an average person goes to. If she is just looking for a sugar daddy then you will know it soon enough.

[DivineNess]

you can't make up for your insecurities with money. a girl can smell that from a mile away. when you try too hard to impress someone it makes that person feel like they are somehow better than you and their respect for you diminishes. just relax and be yourself. being genuine will more likely win someone's heart more than trying to be this ideal person. why would you want someone to fall for you for what you can get them? wouldn't you much rather someone like you for your personality? Also, have you given thought to the possibility that maybe this is what she wanted from the beginning... a sugar daddy.

[Wimpy]

1. I am insecure about my age and looks (although I am not bad looking for 39)

 

2. She is surrounded by millionaire shoppers evry day in the most expensive part of London

 

3. She has expensive taste (champagne and designer clothing)

 

I am 100% genuine as else I would find a girl who does not live 200 miles away and just use her.

 

First off 39 isn't old and it's crazy to feel insecure about that!!! As I'm the same age and single I speak from experience!! Plus I'm from Nottingham so not a million miles away from you lol.

 

Second if she's surrounded by millionaires in London she's surrounded by them. You showering her with gifts won't change that or make her think of you as anything else than a sugar daddy.

 

Of course she has expensive tastes - who wouldn't if someone was shelling out on them like that.

 

I believe you are genuine from what you've said but you are trying too hard and running the risk of smothering her.

 

Since you have made your feelings clear to her and she has not reciprocated I would say hold back doing anything further and limit contact and see if she does anything.

 

On a personal note having been taken in by a foreigner a few years ago (see my previous posts if interested) and having spent a lot of money on his happiness/helping him etc, I'll be very wary of getting involved in a relationship of that nature ever again. I'm NOT saying all foreigners are like that but I do think that cultural differences/expectations etc etc play a part.

 

Lay off the big gestures and the "splashing the cash" and let her make a move.

 

Just my opinion.

[mancunian]

I am hugely grateful for all your replies and support and would welcome more replies.

 

I will take the advice which generally seems to be to back off and leave her alone for a while and not buy any gifts for her.

 

I do fear I may have come on too strong from the beginning but every time I have fallen in love it has happened quickly and has usually been reciprocated with the same speed.

 

I have dated 50+ girls in the past 5 years on a one or two dates basis and have really struggled to find somebody who I like. Note I have only slept with one who I got engaged to so trust me I am NOT a bad guy.

 

We got back off holiday last Thursday night and apart from 1 short text which was a reply to a text I sent Saturday night I have not even heard from her!

 

Dont laugh but today I sent another dozen red roses as she mentioned on holiday the other ones had died.

 

She may have got them today or tomorrow but thats it! - no more presents she can chase me!

 

If I dont get a thank you text or call for the roses I am giving up!

 

Honestly I am sure some girls would have showed me more affection!

[servedcold]

I notice that you equate not pushing for sex and always being a gentleman with being a nice guy, and that you make a big deal of this. I have some news for you. Women want a man to express sexual interest in them, especially young women these days. Based on the age difference, I can almost guarantee you that how much money you have is not a great issue for them. Your ability to satisfy them sexually is though. Not suggesting that you seek casual sex, or to push yourself on them, but you seem to approach these women as a very old-fashioned provider type, and overly chivalrous, rather than a masculine sexual partner.

 

It's OK to express your sexual desire, they WANT this when done tastefully. They want you to flirt with them, laugh with them and show your desire, believe me. Based on what and how you write, there may be a good chance you are turning them off with such pronounced and emphasized gentility. I would lighten things up, lay off the expensive hotels and dinners, take them to bohemian cool restaurants, to see music they like, and meet their friends. Sorry to say, but based on what you write of your experiences with this girl, you may be boring her to death, and she seems to have a drinking problem. Best wishes going forward.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it just doesn't sound like you are having any fun with this or even really clicking as people... she is willing to take 'things' from you, but is not really participating even in a friendship with you. just these formal dates where she lives it up and drinks and passes out, then ignores you until the next time you offer her something.

 

i would also view her little forays into showing you school and medical bills as tests to see how far you will go. she could try to be getting your confidence first, leading you down the path a little at time. first she offers to show you medical bills, then suddenly she doesn't need the money, but you showed yourself willing.

 

she may string this along for a while, then ask for a LOT of money for something where there are no receipts nor proof.

 

also, you should NOT be paying her bills when she is hardly participating in the relationship and not reciprocating your emotions and signs of caring about you.

 

she may have another boyfriend (who is NOT rich) behind the scenes, and they are agreeing to play you for money. she could hook you in, then hit you up for a bunch of money some point later (or smaller amounts all along).

 

please pull back and STOP giving her any gifts or money or fancy trips, and see if she is just content to do 'normal' things like dinner at a non-expensive place, staying in and doing normal things like watching TV etc.

 

i don't think this is a question of you being 'boring' but more of you not being really compatible, and ulterior motives on her part. i think that someone who wanted to genuinely be with you for you wouldn't be behaving like this. she seems to be after the 'stuff', and may be setting you up to take you for more later.

 

so stop giving and see what happens. you may be infatuated, but there are lots of girls out there who make a habit of taking older men for money. if she really likes you for you, she won't care about that, and if she just wants money, better to break this off before you get taken.

[mancunian]

Thanks again for all the feedback. I really struggle to cope with this situation alone.

 

I do not believe this is a clever plot to squeeze me for money.

 

Re sex. She is only occasionally quite warm and tactile with me so all the signals tell me to not to trya dn have sex with her yet. She is also very good looking and is been sexually harassed in several of her jobs and gets asked on dates a lot.

 

I usually dont have sex with women unless I have true feelings for them as I dont want to mislead them and hurt their feelings but yes when I was younger I did have some casual sex.

 

To put her mind at ease I even stated half way through our holiday that I would not try and have sex with her so she would trust me more, chat with me and not run off to bed so early!

 

It is interesting what one person says about her maybe having a slight drink problem. The only time she seems to really talk freely and behave as I would like her to is after a few drinks.

 

Her father, who died earlier this year, was an alcoholic.

 

Before anybody tells me to be more considerate my father also died this year as well.

 

Well the florist contacted her yesterday to try and deliver the flowers I sent and I have not heard anything from her.........if I dont hear a thank you within 48 hours I may give up!

[Alex Kidd]

I think you sound too serious. You've got in WAY TOO deep emotionally by imagining what this girl is really like, as you say you don't know her. Think you need to be more emotionally intelligent and not invest so much in someone so soon, until you realise that there may be some payoff. Boxing clever in early stages with regards your heart is the key.

 

This girl is 18/19 and is probably quite freaked out. Yes girls love romance, but there is no point on playing this great gentleman when she probably wants to get laid, like most other young girls. The unfortunate thing is it doesnt sound like sexually you may be doing it for her.

 

And, you are probably coming accross as somewhat desperate. The fact that she didn't even talk to you much on 'expensive holiday' is an issue. How can you be in love with someone you can't communicate with? It sounds like during the trip she did all she could to get away from you. Additionally, her not responding to your text for a few days is a joke. You text, and if she ignores you, I think you should leave it. If she is interested you would not have to remind her of your text messages and existence by sending her roses.

 

To me it sounds like she is either NOT interested or not over her ex. The bottom line being neither one is good for you. You've spent way too much money without her reciprocating. I only had to read a few lines of you text to know you were in trouble. Using your wealth to attract girls is a sure recipe for disaster. You're leading yourself in for more pain each day you cling onto hope. As hard as it may be, I would FORGET this girl if I were you. I agreee with the other posters. You cant use a relationship to validate yourself. In a sense you are bringing no 'value-added' by putting this girl on a pedestal. It seems to be all about her, and not about you - sod that! You need some confidence. You shouldn't be running around after an 18/19 y.o. who is disrespecting you. That is quite laughable as clearly she has no respect for anything but your money. Come on think of yourself as a prize that someone would be lucky to have. None of this self defeatist bull!

 

Find someone else, and be a bit sparring with your cash next time.

 

I bid you good luck!

 

Peace.

[mancunian]

Alex thank you for your reply.

 

You may be right. She is 23 though not 18 and so I think she has gone beyond having sex for its own sake and just sleeps with people in realtionships now.

 

I am never short of dates so I am definitely not deesparate and have in fact told her that.

 

I do find it hard to hold back my feelings when I meet somebody I like as it is such a rare occurrence. I do fool in love quickly but only very occasionally.

 

There must have been some spark to make me feel this way or maybe I was just vulnerable?

 

I honestly believe from my own experience and lots of my friends experiences that if you are at the start of a real strong passionate loving relationship then it is very hot from the start.

 

I have never experienced or believed in a slow growing 6 or 7 month warming up type relationship.

 

At the end of the day she has told me she likes me and no matter how great the hotel and holiday were I dont think many women would go on holiday with a guy they didnt have feelings for but I may be wrong. I hope so!

 

However I have had better treatment than this off previous girlfriends.

 

We have been dating 2.5 months. I am not sure how much longer I will give it......

 

Its now time for her to show me how she feels.

[Alex Kidd]

Mancunian, fair enough, she is 23. Apologies. But have you asked her what she is looking for or have you assumed she wants something serious? I'm not saying she wants casual sex, but quite often sex is what happens initially until things become official and exclusive. In my humble opinion and experience its kinda rare that a guy wants to hold off sex with a girl that he likes until the relationship is 'official'? Unless this is the girl's stance, in which case he has no choice but to.

 

She has told you she likes you, but words without actions are meaningless. You could tell her that you are Superman, but that doesn't mean you can fly, does it? I'd be very cautious. She needs to start SHOWING that she is interested, and for me she is not at the moment.

 

You seem a bit scared that you are not going to meet someone that you like, hence why you are clutching on hope with this one, although it appears she is not that into it.

 

Some women will use a guy if he lets them. Regardless of whether they like you or not. She didnt have to give up much as she didnt engage in sex or offer you any affection. Maybe she just enjoyed the attention and wanted to feel loved? I may be wrong, but what the hell.

[Momene]

I don't think you're a bad guy. I'd even say you may be that little bit too good. She could possibly be taking you for a ride but I doubt it. The time spent on holiday was a big red flag. It seems that you never really spent much quality time together.

 

I don't see the age gap between 39 and 23 a big deal, although it could be if you got married and had kids and she wanted to wait until she was 30.

 

But honestly, you won't get married. She's just not as into you as you are into her. I've seen a lot of generalisations in this thread about women and young ones in particular but if she's not a virgin she won't wait for you to make a move if she's really into you, it will just happen. I think the 2-3 month mark is often make-or-break time. Lay off a bit, talk to her but don't chase her if she doesn't reply. You may get a pleasant surprise but I somehow doubt it.

[mancunian]

More useful replies thank you.

 

I think one of the biggest problems is I am a straightforward guy born and bred in the UK with a traditional education and career.

 

She is a young poor imigrant whose background is almost the opposite to mine.

 

She has dodged her way through the sometimes murky world of illegal immigrants sleazy guys and maybe even pressure to be involved in less savoury things at times which is fairly coomon in the UK for young Eastern European women.

 

It is noticeable that she will never answer her mobile phone if the caller has witheld the number or she does not recognise the number. I suspect there are some people she is avoiding.

 

She did also have a guy propose to her once with a diamond ring at work and she claimed she had never even been on a date with him. Another guy who she shared a house with (not sure if they were friends or more) threatened to kick her out if she did not sleep with him - so she left and spent that night at a railway station! I dont know whether she led these guys on or what but thyey are not the usual run of the mill stories.

 

She is completely closed about her past boyfriends and wont tell me anything much.

 

Time will tell and I do think the 3 month mark is crucial for relationships ie they will grow or die.

 

I will keep you posted!

[Alex Kidd]

Are you not worried that at three months you haven't come close to anything sexual? Sounds like she has alot of baggage too. That combined with all the other stuff sounds like too much. Not much fun at all.

[mancunian]

I am in it for love and not sex. Sex can be an indicator of love but I am not a guy who needs sex.

 

I am for real and want to win her.

[Alex Kidd]

So what is she in it for? Do you know this? You may not be on the same page.

[NewPhillyGuy]

My personal opinion - this young lady is "taking you for a ride." I think that you are being overly generous to someone who clearly does not deserve your attention or resources. I could understand you taking her on such lavish dates were you both engaged and certainly from time to time when married. At this stage, however, I don't believe it necessary or productive.

 

Based upon what you have written, the girls giving you little to nothing in return. You seem as though you are more interested in her affections, which is admirable, but she's not even giving you that!

 

As a general statement, I think it's fair to state that a lady is far from mature at 23 years of age. I don't mean to be offensive to the women on the board, but this is just based upon my personal experience. I have dated women of 30 years of age who were still playing mindgames with me! However, some of my friends have told me it's just the area where I live (Philly), and in other parts of the country, people are more genuine. I cannot comment on how UK women are, but I think, again, it's a fair statement that women in their 20s are not very mature and unfocused when it comes to love and relationships.

 

You sound like a very giving person and a decent guy. However, I do think you are being too nice, and I fear that you have rolled out your own "red carpet" to this girl. She is walking all over you, and giving you NOTHING. I am confident in saying that she will continue to take advantage of you. My honest advice would be to let this one go, and find a woman closer to you in age who exhibits much more respectable behavior. I think this current girl will drain you emotionally AND financially, and finally when she is done with you, she will move on to the next guy who gives her what she wants at that time.

 

Save your money and attention for someone who is truly deserving of it!