Promises, broken deadlines - am I crazy???

[long0118]

Hi,

 

I'm a long time lurker, but now want to post to get some guidance please.

 

My bf and I are both 40, both previously married, have 2 kids each (mine live w/me)

 

Both of us had dated others, then we met on link removed last year in December. Immediate spark and chemistry and we both fell fast and hard. We toyed with the idea of marriage after only 1-2months and even went ring shopping. He said then he wanted to save to get me a great ring.

 

This summer I sold my house and the kids and I moved in w/him (at his prompting). When we talked about my moving in he'd say "I wouldn't ask you to if I didn't want to marry you". But at other times he'd say "Don't know if I want to get married again - such bad past experience"

 

Then in June he says "Will propose by Christmas".

 

Told me again he was saving for a ring. But then blew his savings in October.

 

He brings the subject of marriage up - and says he'd like more time. Gives me the statements "isn't our being together enough" "I love you more than anything" "why do we need a piece of paper" etc, etc, etc.

 

Also says "But if it's what you really want, I'll do it. I've loved you enough to marry you almost since we met - but we both know things don't always work out and I'm scared of what happens if we do ever divorce"

 

A week ago he brought it up, expressing all his concerns again, but finishing with "If it's what you really want I'll do it". I said yes, it is.

 

Then last night he asks "Can we wait until next Christmas - so we have time to be really sure?" I told him I can't help but feel I'm being strung along, as it feels like he keeps postponing and hemming and hawing.

 

No - I don't want to force him into it. But I don't know if I'm being strung along or if I really do need to be patient. I understand (and even share some) of his concerns, but my heart just soooo wants him to bend down on 1 knee and pledge that he wants to be with me forever.

 

Also, I'm concerned that if he is stringing me along - I don't want to make my kids make another move (because of MY mistake pulling up their roots and moving them in the first place). We're in a new town now and I would want to move back home, but if I wait till Christmas and it doesn't happen - that would mean pulling the kids out of school mid-year or just hanging around for another 6 months after waiting for their school year to end before moving.

 

Ahhhhh! I feel like I'm crazy! I'm so confused - please help straighten me out!

[Alezia]

I'm a lot younger than you, thereforeeee my idea of timelines might not be the same as you.

I would not get engaged to someone I have only known for a year even though I loved them with all my heart and would want to marry them. I don't think his request for being together for 2 years before an engagement is unreasonable.

 

I think it was a mistake to uproot your kids for this man before he proposed. (Since you want marriage very much, not because of the move itself) But what is done is done!

 

As for the financial situation, would you be alright with receiving a cheaper ring if it would mean you could get engaged right now?

Have you asked him what kind of time-line he viewed (asides from proposal next Christmas)? When does he plan to get married?

When would you like to be married? Maybe he would be alright with getting engaged right now if it means having a longer engagement.

[Batya33]

I would first get the kids out of this situation so they don't get attached further. I would tell him that you are fine with waiting for (fill in the blank - 6 months? a year? longer?) but you can't continue to live together under these circumstances. I don't think this is as much about "how long" is long enough but the fact that he is an adult who made a promise more than once and is now getting shaky. That's human, too, but you need to take care of you and your kids.

 

Good for both of you for not getting engaged two months in during the infatuation period!!

 

Good luck.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i wouldn't rush into the marriage, since you've only been together 1 year... and twisting his arm into it isn't likely to have the best results, nor 'control' his feelings...

 

one doesn't have to have a ring to be engaged... i don't know why people put so much emphasis on that... the ring can come later or never! i think guys can use this as a stall tactic (i don't have money for the ring), and the women can use the ring as 'proof' that he is committed, where that really has to come from his heart.

 

so i think you probably did rush into living together, and now you are rushing for marriage. i'd let it go another year, and if he doesn't look like he will be proposing then, you can move before your kids start school.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to the Forum, Glad to have you here.

 

My first though is that a year is quite soon to get married. You've been living together for 6 months which is a start but you really haven't had a chance to get to know each other's ins and outs and the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship. Were you thinking of a longer engagement? Had you talked about that?

 

I can understand that there is a lot at stake here because you have children that are involved (personally I would not have moved in with him with my children without a proposal, but that's just me.), and you have both been through marriage and divorce so that definitely probably has a lot to do with him being gun shy to marry again. What was his last marriage like? Was the divorce very ugly and difficult for him? How is his relationship with his ex-wife? Does he see his children?

 

I think your next move is up to you. If you feel he is a good guy who really loves you and is good to your children and he is interested in marriage, than you have to decide if you are willing to wait and give him more time. But I do think you need to sit him down and say while you understand he is afraid, that you have your children (and yourself) to think about so you need to know 100% if he is sure he wants to marry you, or if he's just waiting to see 'if anything changes' in the next year, because it's not fair for him to make promises and keep pushing them off. If he's not ready, he's not ready, but he needs to be honest if he is uncertain about marrying you- especially since you moved in with him.

[lilypadgirl]

This is just my opinion, but I don't really have any experience with proposals so take it with a grain of salt!

 

You say you don't want to force him, but he has already expressed that he doesn't really want to ... unless it's what you really want. Deadlines are exactly that...a time pressure to get something done.

 

I completely understand about wanting to get marriage and the romance of a guy getting on a bended knee and pledging his life to me. But sometimes you have to take a step back and think what do I really want?

 

How's your relationship? How does he treat you other than the marriage issue? How does he treat your kids? How do your kids feel about him/your relationship? Is he doing something that is making you insecure and feel you need a marriage proposal? If everything else is great, he's great to you, your kids, etc, then you have to think should I give up all of that for marriage? Is marriage that important to you?

 

It sounds like he was really hurt from his previous marriage and is now disillusioned with the idea. But that doesn't mean he's stringing you along if his heart is truly with you and fully commited to a future with you. He's just uncomfortable with outright pledging it. Maybe he's afraid marriage will jinx things. Maybe after some more time, he'll naturally want to propose.

 

But one thing is for sure...if he doesn't want to and does it JUST because you really want it, that's not really marriage in the romantic concept either right? You've both been divorced, so you both understand that even marriage doesn't necessarily guarantee things.

 

I think you should talk to him and ask him what he really feels about marriage and figure out what would really make you happy. If marriage is what you really need, which is fine, then be prepared to put your relationship on the line for that. Otherwise, my opinion is why put pressure on a great relationship to rush into marriage?

 

Good luck!

[greensleeves]

You only met him last December, so it's only been a year. You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but what on earth prompted you to sell your house and move in with him after such a short time? You have two children and I think you acted too hastily...but you probably already know that. Right now, your kids have to be your priority. How old are they? If you move now, would you be able to go back to your old neighbourhood so that they could return to their old school and friends? This would make it much easier on them. How attached are they to him?

 

I'm also worried about the financial aspect of this situation. What did you do with the proceeds of your house sale? Please tell me you didn't help him pay off his mortgage!!! Also, what did he blow his savings on in October? Were you part of that decision? If you are partners, whether married or not, "blowing" one's savings is not a very responsible thing to do without consulting eachother.

 

I guess I'm being negative about the whole thing, but it's sooo easy to get caught up in the romance and hopes for the future. Hopefully this guy is sincere, but just be very cautious. You met him at link removed, so how much do you really know about him?

 

I sincerely hope he isn't stringing you along and I understand his hesitation. It's too much, too fast. Him saying "I'll do it if it's what you really want" isn't the way a marriage should start, it should be entered into with enthusiasm on both sides. I don't see that here and I think you should be having some major doubts yourself, especially since he is backing down and making comments like the one above.

 

Proceed with caution and guard your children and finances!!!!

[Hope75]

I agree with greensleeves, I think that selling your house and moving in with him so quickly was a mistake- and has put you in the position you are in now. You've invested a lot into this relationship already (sold your house, moved your family in with him into his house, changed your children's school...) I think doing those things before you had a formal commitment in terms of a proposal and a date set, you may have hung yourself out to dry.

[long0118]

Thank you for the responses so far - you guys don't let any grass grow on these messages!

 

I totally agree that I rushed when agreeing to move my kids and move in with him - I (obviously) didn't think so at the time, but I totally see that now. My mistake getting into this situation - and I'm just trying to do the best with it that I can now.

 

Our relationship is good - we have fun together, lots of nookie, neither of us are out partying, he and kids get along great. Of course like anyone, we have our fights, but we always vent, clear the air and move on from there.

 

His divorce was very ugly, so I know it's not unreasonable for him to want/need time to make sure he can risk it again. I have the money from my home sale in the bank - I prefer to keep our finances somewhat separate (we have a household and joint fun account, but also both have our own accts). If we do get married, I would gladly put that money toward our common goals, but in the meantime - it's my safety net.

 

Logically, I would look cross-eyed at any of my friends or family that married within a year of meeting someone. That's why I feel crazy - when I use my head it makes total sense to wait a while and make sure we're all good and confident this will work.

 

But when I use my heart - I just want him to commit. I think I want the committment even more so because of my kids - to help rectify what might have been a mistake on my part (ie the committment would justify and validate my moving ahead with the relationship so quickly...whereas if it doesn't work out I've really screwed the goose!)

 

Here's the real kicker - I think this might be more a matter of expectations with me. If he had never brought up marriage - and promised it, and if he had never taken it to the point of even giving me a timeline - then I think I would be good to go. At this point in the timeline of our relationship, I would be hoping that we would plan to get married, but I don't think it would bother me so much if he hadn't started this whole thing with talking about. Like if he hadn't set up the expectation for me - it wouldn't be such a big deal at this point.

 

I don't know if that even makes sense - but I'm just expressing all my thoughts here.

[Hope75]

What you are saying makes perfect sense. He planted a seed and allowed something to grow, but now he's depriving it of room to grow by going back on what he said.

 

You admit that moving in with him so soon probably was a mistake, but I'm guessing you were excited and passionate about him- much like he was about you when he told you he wanted to get married so soon after meeting you. Sounds like neither of you was thinking with your head- but not that you had any intentions of hurting one another.

 

If everything is going well, you are happy for the most part, and you can give it some time, I would. But I think you need to keep the lines of communication open and let him know that you are not willing to settle indefinitely with being a 'girlfriend' and you want to know that given time he will step up and follow through with his promises.

 

I do have some concerns that he's told you he will marry you 'if that's what you want'.

 

What does HE want? Have you asked him that?

[servedcold]

I agree with lilypadgirl, judge his actions, not his willingness to enter the state contract. Have never understood why women make such a huge deal of getting married when they have a man who loves them and things are going well. There's an air of lambs being led to the abbatoir about it IMO, as women know it's an insurance policy of sorts and vastly unfair to the party with more assets. If you are the one with more assets, what's marriage going to do for you exactly? Put a ring back on your finger? Anything a bit more substantial than that?

 

Will it keep him from cheating, changing, leaving? What? Other than a raw asset grab by women (which SHOULD be avoided by any thinking man) or observing religious beliefs (which after moving in with him are presumably not at issue) what's the big deal?

[RayKay]

Well, I think the talking of marriage in 1-2 months was in haste (you just do NOT know a person that soon well enough to know marriage is in the cards or even desired!). That to me is more about the idea of wanting marriage or fantasizing than it being about being "reality".

 

I agree with others you moved a bit hastily - now, you do not have to get married ever if it was agreeable - my mother and stepfather have been together 22+ years never married and we all moved in together after about a year (both knew they did not see being married as required). They are proof COMMITMENT is not something that comes from marriage. No problems.

 

But if one is wanting it and another not...that is problematic.

 

I think once the "reality" of marriage became more real, he realized he does not really want that (at least not yet).

 

A year is still SO early in a relationship in my personal opinion. Not just for him, but even for you, and I wonder if the pressure is on now because you want to "validate" the actions you took (i.e. moving in).

 

You need to sit down and talk, without ultimatums, about where you each see the future and decide whether this desire for marriage is really about wanting to be married to him, or is it about validating the relationship (which is not required by the way) or "guaranteeing something" (which of course it won't either as you know). If it is to validate your actions, it is for the wrong reasons.

[Parsley]

One thing you just said stuck out at me. When you think with your head, you know that it's not an unreasonable request to want to wait awhile to be married, whilst your heart says that you just can't wait! I can empathise. I know I'm only young...this is one of the things that makes sure I refrain from 'heart thoughts' most of the time. I love my boyfriend so very very very much, and throwing aside all sensible thought I would happily marry him tomorrow. But despite my girlish dreams of a wedding, and my absolute certainty that I'm going to love this man for the rest of my life....there's not way I can ever be certain! We both know that taking such a huge step now would be ridiculous, and would so much rather wait until we've experienced a lot more of life and there's less chance of us changing drastically than there is now!

 

Now, I know that you're not 19, but I've seen that you've addressed the head and heart thoughts like I did/do. He hasn't gone the best way round dealing with this...but maybe he thinks like I am? He says that he's going to propose by Christmas in a moment when he lets his heart take over, and then realises that a lot could change by then. Personally I wouldn't judge him too harshly for the way he's acted, don't leave.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

people who have bitter divorces fall in love like everyone else, but then, when they think about marriage, it can be a scary thought! they have lived through their worst nightmare, and are dreading the potential for a repeat...

 

so he may really be gung ho and in love, but then has a 'fear' response based on the prior experience. nobody gets married intending to get divorced, so the most bitter divorces can come after the most ecstatic marriages if the couple is not compatible.

 

what is the old joke... 'marriage is a triumph of hope over experience...'

 

so his experience (bitter divorce) is warring with his hope and love for you.

 

so if you give it a chance for more POSITIVE experiences for him that start to replace the NEGATIVE memories of a bitter divorce, he may be fine.

 

most men do marry a few years after a bad divorce, but depending on how bitter it was, the memory can be quite fresh for him.

 

so i think if you rush him too much, it will just bring on anxiety, which will bring on memories of bitterness/fighting in his prior marriage.

 

i think as long as you are getting along fine on every issue except this, you need to wait a year or so and then discuss it seriously. also discuss your willingness to get a pre-nup if his prior divorce was financial or property related bickering.

 

the best negotiations are when you take each fear or negative feeling, and try to address it directly, by solving the issue, or offering some kind of incentive to overcome the negative. so really talk to him about what was the worst part about the bad divorce for him, and try to address each of those points in such a way that his fears are removed.

 

but i DO think it wise to give it more time... another old one: 'haste makes waste!' don't ruin a good thing if you've got one.

[Aleadragonhawk]

One thing you've mentioned is that if he hadn't been planning on marriage from the beginning, you wouldn't be so entangled with it right now. Have you thought about telling him this? I think what might be healthiest for both of you is removing the timeline for a proposal altogether, and letting things develop naturally along the course of your relationship. I do think that you need to have a serious talk about marriage, though, in the context of it being something that he actually wants. If he's completely honest, does he want to get married again somewhere along the line? If so, how far down the line? Are you okay with waiting as long as he needs to decide if marriage is something that he wants, even knowing that he might decide that he doesn't want to be married?