Please Help Me! He emailed back....

[Lilacs]

Please help, I emailed my ex after 2 months of not talking yesterday. I wrote: "Hey, how are you? It's the holidays and I've been thinking about you, hope you're well." I then left the house and refused to check my email until today. He wrote back...this is what he said:

 

 

Hey [my name]! How are you? So weird to write this...I've heard ur home now? I don't even know what to write. I've been good. Nothing new to report. Applying to two more b-schools. I hope ur doing well. Where r u going to be for xmas and new year's time before u head back to school? Been thinking of u a lot obviously.

 

 

What do I do? I am still so in love with him. Should I not contact him back. I opened up the line of communication. Now he knows he can contact me. I miss him so much. I am just so afraid of getting hurt. I don't know what to do. Please... I feel like there is nothing to read into this. I wish there was. Any insight or advice is much appreciated.

[Lilacs]

This is the background that I posted previously:

 

I'm 26 and I have just gotten out of a 6/12 year relationship with my ex. We had broken up for a year after college and it destroyed me. But a year later he came back. Since that time I've worked hard on having my own life and not being dependent on him. I'm finishing up law school and we've been long distance except for the summers. He is applying to grad school and the topic of marriage and what's next had been coming up. I was ready. I felt like these last few years had been hard because I had built up resentment towards him for breaking up with me and then wanting to get back together right when I went off to grad school. I was finally ready to let go of those feelings and be with him completely. I love him so much. It's so hard. I know the way I acted was not representative of how I feel about him. I was always putting pressure on him and saying that things weren't good enough. We were talking about the future and it just came out that he didn't think that we felt right. And that he'd been feeling this way for the past few months. I told him I was willing to make it work, he said he wasn't. Part of me thinks that he's freaking out, but I don't know. It's been 7weeks. We broke up over the phone and I haven't seen him. I asked him not to contact me if this is what he wanted. I made him promise that he wouldn't. I'm home from law school and he's right there. I miss him so much. I want to make things work, I want him to know how much I love him and how sorry I am for not appreciating him. I am home for a few more weeks. I don't know if I should call or email him just to say hi. He told my friend he wanted to call me, but I made him promise that he wouldn't. I know you have to let go for it to come back to you. But would a slight hello be good to open the doors to possible communication later? I don't want to push him away, but I also don't want to lose communication permanently...

 

Thanks for the help, it is truly appreciated.

 

Lilacs

[backagain]

i dont want to be one of those ppl that tells u to ignore it....because i personally felt he emailed you back with alot of "honesty" and friendliness...

 

i think he left it open ended at the end of that email, maybe to test the water? but do keep in mind, don't have high expectations, he might just be happy at the possibility of being friends....

 

so at the point its up to u.....i see no harm catching up grabbing a cup of coffee, granted that you are ready to see him face-to-face....

 

if u dont feel like ur ready, maybe just email him back and tell him u just wanted to say hi, and tell him he's obviously been on ur mind FROM TIME TO TIME as well....and just leave it at that....

 

the purpose i think is to allow him a little bit of room to take initiative, and if/when he does, you can make up ur mind then....take it 1 day at a time.

 

good lck and keep us updated!

 

ps- i am a hopeless romantic so take my suggestion with caution lol

[Lilacs]

I will keep you all posted. I am not even sure if I should respond.....?

[AngryHeart]

I would respnd. His email seemed very polite, and he says he's missing you. Of course it could just be that he wants to be friends. But I would email him something like "I am fine thank you..been very busy. I'm going to be ........ at christmas. Hope you have a good one." Or something along those lines. I personally wouldn't reply to the part about thinking about you...make him wonder. But if you do decide to reply to that part, make it seem like he's not the only thing on your mind even if he is. Like "yeah, I was just thinking of you earlier!" That implies that you were thinking about him that time, it doesn't say you've been thinking about him every day. Bacially just keep it light, brief, and don't give the impression you've been waiting for him to contact you. And be careful - he may just be after friendship. Good luck.

[Lilacs]

Thanks Angryheeart and backagain

[rokston]

I would also reply... No reason not to or to avoid meeting up for a coffee over the holidays. At worst you could just have an easy laugh with a close old friend.

 

Except that you're worried it will set you back... That's normal, you're still in love with the guy. But if you tread lightly and do not push it may not be so bad. Also, wouldn't you regret missing the opportunity once the holidays end and you both go back??

 

Just my 2 cents worth Hope it goes ok for you!!

[Lilacs]

The thing is, I think it hurts that his email is just friendly. We were so close, and I miss him so much. I think the email made me feel like it really is over. But he's so robotic about things, and never shows his emotions. He hides in his work. I don't know how to communicate with him so casually. How can he feel so indifferent about me? It seems so impossible to be so close one minute and then not. I'm having a really hard time grasping this. I'm afraid to meet with him, because what if it is just a friendly meet up with an old friend...that would feel so wrong. How does he feel....? I wish I knew.

[TMinCali]

Totally agree with this approach. Don't mention anything about missing him. You should remain mysterious. If he wants to know all the intimate details of your life, he needs to give you a reason to have that honor IMO.

 

When telling him about your holiday plans, don't go into great detail. He doesn't need to know everything that's going on with you.

 

Good luck!

[TMinCali]

The thing is, I think it hurts that his email is just friendly. We were so close, and I miss him so much. I think the email made me feel like it really is over. But he's so robotic about things, and never shows his emotions. He hides in his work. I don't know how to communicate with him so casually. How can he feel so indifferent about me? It seems so impossible to be so close one minute and then not. I'm having a really hard time grasping this. I'm afraid to meet with him, because what if it is just a friendly meet up with an old friend...that would feel so wrong. How does he feel....? I wish I knew.

 

The key is to get him to the point of not being so "robotic". Jxxx was the same way with me. They feel just as uncomfortable (if not more) than we are. Just be friendly and make him feel at ease when communicating with you.

And you should be grateful that his email is friendly. That's how it all begins, so you're off to a good start. What you do from this point on determins what happens.

 

Also, get rid of your expectations. You guys are no longer a couple and you have to accept that. Don't expect him to act a certain way with you. If you do, you'll only be disappointed and that will come accross in your communications with him. VERY FATAL.

 

You now need to build a friendship with him. Rebuild the trust and comfort again. The best relationships start with a solid foundation.. and that is what you should be working on. Why on earth would you want to rebuild your relationship with him based on your fears, uncertainties and insecurities?

 

Attraction = The quality of arousing interest. The characteristic that provides pleasure.

[Lilacs]

Thanks TMinCali. I do have to lower my expectations... hopefully he will let down some of his barriers.

[TMinCali]

Thanks TMinCali. I do have to lower my expectations... hopefully he will let down some of his barriers.

 

This will only happen when he is ready to and when he feels comfortable enough to do so Don't ever forget that. The only thing you can do is make him feel good when he's in contact with you. One "spook" and you're back to square one.

[thinkstoohard]

This will only happen when he is ready to and when he feels comfortable enough to do so Don't ever forget that. The only thing you can do is make him feel good when he's in contact with you. One "spook" and you're back to square one.

 

Ew, I hope my letter doesn't come accross as a "spook" to my ex!

[TMinCali]

Ew, I hope my letter doesn't come accross as a "spook" to my ex!

 

I read your letter. I think the circumstances might be different. In your case, she left because she felt you weren't trying hard enough and she felt taken for granted. You almost need to tell her/show her that you realize this and have changed.

 

In many cases where men leave women, they feel pressured or feel smothered in the relationship. At least that's what I have seen.

[Lilacs]

I wonder are there other women out there who have had success trying to get back a parner who may have been freaked out about committment? Any advice would be appreciated.

[renaissancewoman101]

TMinCali, once you get the initial meeting after a long period of NC, how do you make the person comfortable and enjoying hanging out with you, without spooking them? That's the hard part. When you hang out with them, to make it enjoyable and them comfortable enough to WANT to hang out with you again?

[thinkstoohard]

I read your letter. I think the circumstances might be different. In your case, she left because she felt you weren't trying hard enough and she felt taken for granted. You almost need to tell her/show her that you realize this and have changed.

 

In many cases where men leave women, they feel pressured or feel smothered in the relationship. At least that's what I have seen.

 

I hope that is the case. If I can muster the courage I will be sending my letter tonight.

[TMinCali]

TMinCali, once you get the initial meeting after a long period of NC, how do you make the person comfortable and enjoying hanging out with you, without spooking them? That's the hard part. When you hang out with them, to make it enjoyable and them comfortable enough to WANT to hang out with you again?

 

Well, I'm sure there's people in your life that make you feel good when you're around them. I'm sure others will say the same about you. Just be a positive, fun person to be around. That's why NC is so crucial in the first stages of a break up because it's almost impossible to be that way.

 

After you have settled your emotions and you have accepted things for what they are, you can naturally be a calm, cool and fun person to be around. Think back to when you and your ex first met. What were you like? I'm guessing you were intriguing, a bit mysterious, flirty and fun. See where this is going?

 

Jxxx contacted me 4 times on Sunday (phone and text). I emailed him a short note yesterday to check in to make sure he made it home safely after the concert. He responded and said he did and thanked me for checking in on him. He then started telling me about the concert. I emailed back with a simple, "I'm glad you got home safely and I'm glad you enjoyed the show. Sounds like it was amazing."

 

That's it. He never responded and I haven't contacted him again. I'm keeping the lines of communication open, but at the same time, not giving too much. I'm not checking my email every five minutes to see if he contacted. I'm not looking at my phone constantly. He'll contact me when he wants to and I'm perfectly fine with that. And if I have something I want to say to him, I'll contact him.

 

Just be natural and be the person he was initially attracted to. The beauty is, we have all of the power to be attractive, and that's what sparks the flame.

[Lilacs]

A mutual friend of ours just met up with me. He said he had talked with my ex recently. He said that my ex said that he loved me, but he didn't see us getting married and that it seems the right thing to end things now then to stay together a few more years. I can't stop crying. I am so sad. All I want is another chance to make things right. I know if we both need to work on things, but we could. There's been so much pressure on us the last few years being long distance. It feels like this pain will never go away. It hurts that someone you love so much doesn't feel that way. He was my best friend. IS there nothing I can do? How can this be right when it feels so wrong? It seems so unfair that I have no control of this pain I am feeling. Is it possible that he's freaking out, that I can change his mind...? I still haven't responded to his email. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's better for us if I walk away without looking back, or if I let him know how I am feeling. I just want to shake him and wake him up.

[TMinCali]

Lilacs,

Jxxx said the same thing. At the time of our break up, he was very sure that there was absolutely no potential with us and that we weren't "compatible".

 

Funny thing now is he's the one saying that he doesn't know why we broke up. He always compliments me and he wants to know my relationship status. He told me he was single, which I said, "that's fine but you don't need to tell me that." In fact, I recently told him that he was probably right in saying we aren't compatible because we don't view relationships the same way. He then backtracked and said he thought what we had was great. Funny, huh?

 

Now he is apologizing for being a "piece of s***" and for not giving me what I deserved. I told him that it's best we don't talk about those things right now, and I changed the subject to something more positive.

 

Men will feel pain, uncertainty and often will question the relationship just as much as we do. It's the space we give them and the time to reflect that will allow the to understand what is truly going on in their heart. If we don't give them this chance to reflect, they'll have no choice but to go with their original decision to leave the relationship.

 

It takes a very long time to get to the point where Jxxx and I are. I see us as just friends. Not great friends, but friends that can send a quick note or grab a bite to eat from time to time. I have no expectations and will only let nature do what nature does. I can only be my very best self and if that isn't good enough for him, I don't want him. It's a very hard mindset to put yourself in, especially when the pain is still so raw, but you have to believe in this and trust it.

[matt24]

You aren't the only one feeling like this. It's been two and a half months. I last spoke to her this month on the 7th but this is very painful. Today has been really hard. I know what I want and how I feel...I just wish it was a two way street.

[renaissancewoman101]

It takes a very long time to get to the point where Jxxx and I are. I see us as just friends. Not great friends, but friends that can send a quick note or grab a bite to eat from time to time. I have no expectations and will only let nature do what nature does. I can only be my very best self and if that isn't good enough for him, I don't want him. It's a very hard mindset to put yourself in, especially when the pain is still so raw, but you have to believe in this and trust it.

 

That's very good that you and your ex can be friends like that. Is it very hard to keep it like that, especially to have NO expectations? I think everybody has expectations, be it for friends or for SOs.