Griefing years later

[shadowedsky]

For the short version of past to present check my only other thread I've made here.

 

After I made that thread letting some things out started me thinking where I needed to start to help myself overcome where I am at the moment.

 

The main thing I believe personally that holds me back is the death of my parents at 14 and holding that blame and never allowing myself to grief has been/is eating me inside.

 

I can't figure out how I'm meant to deal with deeply hidden grief thats hidden under layers of blame/self hatred trying to bring the grief of their death just brings up depression and my mind wanders back to a different thought/feeling.

 

Anybody have any advice? I really feel I need to do this but feel so helpless and useless at the moment.

[yellow_sweater]

I have no idea.

 

When my grandfather, to whom I was extremely close, passed away when I was 18, I was a freshman in college. I left for his funeral, gave his euology, held up my mother as she cried (and cried, and cried), and went right back to classes.

 

I never processed the fact that he was dead and not coming back, until I had a major falling apart when I was 21.

 

All I can say is that you're going to have to pay your "dues" sooner or later. A professional counselor can help you to start a repayment schedule (i.e. start working through the issues) so that they don't hit you all at once.

 

I do think your situation is fairly common, though, so you might also find help in a bereavement group offered by a hospice, or something like that.

 

Be well,

YS

[Wimpy]

Wow! Your story certainly could make a movie and is so sad.

 

I felt compelled to write a response even though in no way am I in a position to offer suggestions.

 

Last week the motorway near where I live was shut for several hours because of an accident. A couple of days later I found out that a friend of mine worked with the wife of one of the drivers. He'd been involved in a crash with a Lithuanian lorry driver (we're in the UK) who'd been arrested on suspicion of driving dangerously. However, my friend's husband (drving the other car) had died. He was 30 and they had a 5-year old daughter.

 

What shocked me most was that he had not been wearing a seatbelt. His passenger had been and suffered two broken arms and two broken legs (but lived). The driver had gone through the windscreen and landed 10m away and was, in effect, brain-dead.

 

Now, why ON EARTH am I telling you this? Well, because I've known this story for nearly a week, was not in any way related to the driver or even know him but I've been thinking a lot about how this will impact on his wife, little girl, passengers of other cars who witnessed it etc. Apparently his wife and child were always telling him to put his belt on but he never listened. So I've been thinking of the guilt/anger/confusion they'll carry around with them and then I come on here and read your story and suddenly realise that you're at the other end of this!

 

Whether you were, or were not responsible for your parents death is irrelevant as you feel you were. I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been and then for your siblings to have nothing more to do with you after you "confessed" to them and then to be in care.

 

Is it any wonder you now have the issues you have?

 

I sincerely applaud you for being brave enough to even START to think about how you can get some help.

 

I have 3 nephews - the middle one is about a year younger than you and even without all the trauma you've been through his life is full of uncertainty and angst.

 

Do you have access to professional counseling services wherever you are?

 

Would you be able to start the process of dealing with what you've been through with people trained in that????

 

I'm so glad you posted here and I'm going to keep an eye on your thread to see how you're doing.

 

As I said at the outset I'm not trained or qualified enough to offer help but your post really touched me and I had to reply.

 

Whatever the manner of their death or who was to "blame", you still have to grieve the loss of your parents. Trying to do that whilst carrying around a whole shed load of guilt - well I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly tough that would be.

 

**hug**

[shadowedsky]

Thank you both for sharing I really do appreciate it.

 

I would like to get a form of counseling to help me deal with it as I'm well aware of how hard its going to be to do alone but with how I feel about leaving my house/talking to people at the moment this isn't really an easy thing.

 

The way I feel at the moment is I need to "let out" my feelings from the past about my family before I can move on and care for myself enough to try and get over my phobia (or whatever you wanna call it) of leaving the house.

 

Thank you both again for sharing

[samross]

shadowedsky

I think the key to helping you is what you've said in your last post. Get counciling. I've been through it may take time but it will work. Grief is a normal process but sometimes for whatever reason we get stuck in that and can't move on. We really can't in most cases diagnose and treat ourselves and we probably shouldn't try anyway. A trained councilor can really help you. Getting over the inhibition of talking to others about yourself will pass once you start. That also may be key to why you haven't been able to move on. If you feel guilt (unfounded) or fear of stepping out into the world that may be at the foundation also. One thing maybe you could try as a start - call a local church and have them come to YOUR house and just talk. Eventually you will feel a little more comfortable talking, and maybe they can be part of the healing process to be there with you.

PM any time. My home computer is down and I won't be bacl to work until after Jan 1 but I'd like to stay in touch and help if I can.

[Wimpy]

How are things going for you Shadowedsky?

 

Been thinking about you and wondering how you are......?

[shadowedsky]

Sadly not much better I have managed to bring myself into talking to someone from a church (thank you for that advice samross) over the phone which is becoming easier and easier each time.

 

Other than that I just cant seem to allow myself to come to terms with what happened all those years ago even tho I am noticing what an impact this has had on my life.

 

I don't bother posting anything because I'm more of a reader not a writer but thanx for asking how I am appreciate it.