I'm too needy and defensive

[nmbronemommy]

Hi, this is the fisrt time that I am writing on a place like this, so I hope someone can give me some advice.

I have been in a relationship with a great guy for about 2 years. I love him very much and he says the same. But he also says that I am very needy and even more defensive. Whenever he tries to make a point or say something that we need to work on I automaticly take it personaly. I know I do this but I'm not sure how not to. I also ask him all the time if he loves me. I drives him crazy. I don't want to lose him, but I feel that I am pushing him away, and that's the last thing I want to do. Any advice anyone could give me would be great.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Instead of getting defensive when he says something, try to engage in a conversation. Ask him what he wants you to do or not do. If what he says seems reasonable then just do it with out further discussion. If you need more information or need him to compromise - then tell him so and engage in a discussion without getting heated.

 

Think of it as fixing the relationship rather than changing you.

[lilypadgirl]

I agree with DN on everything except

 

Think of it as fixing the relationship rather than changing you.

 

If you need to think that to start then go ahead! But to really make the relationship work, you have to think about changing yourself for the better.

 

I agree, talk to him about what the problems and see what is reasonable and what you can compromise on.

 

Also I think it'll help if you guys set up a night each week for self activities. He can go out with his guy buddies or do what he likes to do that you don't and you the same and just be yourselves instead of a couple. Then you can come back and share with each other what you did and bond. It'll help you gain more confidence and identity that will make the relationship stronger I think.

[blender]

Maybe you can go talk to a therapist or counselor because chances are you would be having these same issues no matter who you were dating.

 

So discussing with your guy might just be too overwhelming for him, he doesn't know how to "fix" your insecurities, he can not cure you of yourself.. only you can seek some steps to not "re-act" to things in a way you later regret or feel worse about..

 

Try to change your own pattern here, if he says something that you feel defensive about, take a deep breath, wait a few seconds, don't re-act right away, allow yourself to feel your feelings, let the moment pass and see if you not only does HE feel better, but more importantly YOU will feel better about yourself.

 

Asking someone if they love you over and over again, makes them start to doubt if they should.. it's really difficult to love someone who doesn't love themselves.. start learning to appreciate how special YOU are, and how much he does love you.. because he does, so trust it, celebrate it, embrace it with confidence.. you deserve to be loved so accept it gracefully.

 

The more you believe in yourself and love yourself the more he will do the same towards you... just try one day at a time to change your own emotionally unhealthy pattern of defensive and neediness, those are "feelings" not "facts" about you.. so breathe.. think, don't re-act and enjoy your relationship.

[_C_J_]

Just talk to him, and don't be afraid of losing him. He loves you so no need to worry about it.

[lonelygemini]

Needy and defensive person over here! My neediness was killed by my current relationship's problems, although who's to say they won't come back in a new relationship or new chapter in this one.

 

I'm still very defensive, though. I'm in counseling, and my counselor and I come up with constructive ways to help me not be so defensive. I'm defensive in all areas of my life: family, work, bf, etc.

[Aurian]

How does your guy talk to you? If he says "YOU didn`t do this, you didn`t do that. How COULD you!?" of course you will feel defensive. I was in a relationship where I blamed myself for being defensive, but the guy literally blamed me for everything and when I got upset, blamed me for being defensive.

[ghost69]

u keep asking him if he loves you and you aren't very willing to work on problems? sounds like you have the issues in the relationship and not him.

[HappyAsALark]

I honestly used to be the exact same way with the defensive part. But then I realized it was also the way he was coming at me and point out the things I need to change. It was more of an attack than a conversation. We worked through it and now he comes to me instead of at me and I have no problem with this what so ever. Just know at least he is telling you what is wrong instead of just having it be over. That shows in itself he cares for you.

[johnmmm]

This sounds so familiar. My girlfriend is the same as you are and it is so frustrating.

 

Ill try and explain how it feels from my point of view and myb you will see the way you act affects your boyfriend.

 

Basically ever time I try and talk to my girlfriend about any issues we have, she just shuts down, gets angry and defensive. Its like walking on egg shells, constantly having to filter everything I want to say in fear that she will get offended or take it the wrong way. By having to do this I feel that nothing ever gets resolved and thereforeeee makes me frustrated. I know in my heart that at some stage this relationships will end if she dos not stop, which is extremely sad because I love her so much and we are good friends as well as a good couple. I have learned in other relationships and just generally in life that you can not make a person change and trying to change something about someone is a pointless exercise so im hoping and wishing that someday she will see what she is doing to us and want to change her self and save are relationship. If she dos not I know I will end it someday because it will just become to hard to deal with.

[Larayn]

Hi

I was thinking that it might help you, that he, whenever he wanted to discuss want you both need to work on in your relationship, wrote it down instead of confronting you directly. At least at first! Just so that you would have time to think about it, whether he has a point or not, without feeling as attacked. To just take it in, before you react!

 

And then as suggested counseling could also be helpful!

[jackdillard]

Going through this exact same problem right now. Anytime I bring an issue or problem I have or recognize with our relationship she has this kneejerk visceral emotional reaction that I'm waging a personal war against her. A huge emotional wall goes up and most of the talk turns into a fight of me trying to calm her down. The conversation just always seems like my point is never heard or anything productive comes out of the conversation and we walk away emotionally drained. I know I can do things to try to talk to her in a less abrasive or confrontational way. How else can we improve these situations? She knows she has a problem with defensiveness as others have told her that in the past. Is counseling the best option here or is there a way she can improve with me? I would like to be able to have meaningful conversation with her about herself and our relationship with her being so uncomfortable and defensive.