Am I in love w/ my best friend? (long)

[Georgie Grrl]

OK, here's my situation. I'm a single mother of one who's been divorced since 1999. Since then, no serious relationships have developed- just casual dating. Anyway, I've had this male friend for the past 4 yrs or so. I was actually a co-worker of his ex-wife's, which is how we became friends.

 

I've slowly pulled back from my friendship with his ex over the past 2 yrs or so because, the better I got to know her, the less I liked her as a person. Plus, she is now on mental disability because she is so unstable. I've recently informed her that, though I wish her well, I can't have contact with her any longer because I simply can't have the drama in my life anymore. At no point during his marriage did I ever think of this male friend as anything but my friend's husband.

 

Well, last June or July, he left his wife. He actually moved out of state for about 4 months or so. During that time, we became close friends and spoke frequently over the phone. We were very supportive to each other, but nothing "weird" happened during this period, either.

 

When it came time to return to the state to attend the divorce proceedings, he asked me if he could stay with me. I reluctantly agreed, not wanting to really get involved in the divorce thing and also because I worried he might try something and I would have to turn him down. (He had done something so incredible for my son a few years back that I simply couldn't say no).

 

Well, when he got here, it was like we were playing house. My 11yr old son and I have been alone for so long and it was so nice to have a man in the house. Plus, he catered to us and was very nuturing- he completely stepped into the role of husband/father. He said he really enjoyed taking care of us and feeling like he had a real family (besides the mental instability, one of the reasons he divorced the ex is because he wanted children and she did not). In any event, we wound up sleeping together. He moved out a week later. He said that he didn't want to ruin our friendship. In the same conversation, he told me that if I ever needed anything, he would do anything for me, a fact he proven over the years and even since he's moved out.

 

After some initial discomfort, we're now "friends" again. I thought I was clear about my feelings, but now I'm not sure. It's all very confusing. This wasn't some random guy- he of all people should know that I'm not capable of sleeping with someone I'm close to without becoming emotionally involved. Before we had sex, I was a little confused because he's a very touchy feely person and I felt like I was getting mixed signals from him. Now I'm not sure if I truly have feelings for him or if I just liked having pseudo-husband. Can someone explain to me why he would sleep with me, someone he supposedly considered his best friend, if he had no intention of taking it any further? Should I put everything on the back burner and let him get his life in order before I even consider being involved with him? I'm so confused...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So what happened in the week's time between sleeping together and him moving out? Did you talk about what happened? Maybe like you, he got caught up in the whole "playing house" thing and it crossed a line which he never expected...in the cold light of day he realized it was a mistake.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm so sorry! this is hard becuase you can't easily 'undo' something like this.

 

When he says something like this: 'He said that he didn't want to ruin our friendship' i think this is just a blow softening type statement.

 

I think for whatever reason, it either went too far and he changed his mind, or else he really didn't intend for it to be a longterm thing, just a fling.

 

And i do think he shouldn't get off the hook for so readily sleeping with you and playing house, then leaping out again with the old 'i don't want to wreck our friendship' thing... a tired old line, frequently used by people who want to have a fling and no consequences.

 

I'm not sure that going back to being 'best friends' after such a situation is good for you, if it will keep you from actively looking for someone new and pining for this guy instead.

 

Unless he wants to date you rather than just drop in for some more sex, i think you have go be careful about your own emotions and find someone who won't jerk you around like this...

 

he SHOULD have thought about your feelings before jumping into bed with you, then expecting to jump out again with no consequences.

 

also, please don't put your life on the back burner waiting for him... if he wanted to date you, he would be doing it... he has said he wants to be friends, and doesn't seem like he is asking for you to wait for him and or get involved in the future.

 

so i think YOU should get on with your life and not count on anything from him. if he misses you and wants to date, he will tell you, but please don't expect that becuase you may be heartbroken if he calls you one day to say he is dating someone else.

[Georgie Grrl]

We did discuss things in the week after and I was the one who asked him to leave. When I did, he was kinda choked up and told me I was his closest friend. I know he said he wasn't sure how he thought of me anymore and that he was afraid to get any more emotionally attached to me than he already was.

 

I think the thing that makes it especially confusing is that we have been very good friends for a long time. I don't have any family at all, so I only have a very few friends that I do consider family and he is one of them.

 

I still can't honestly tell whether I truly have feelings for this man or whether I just enjoyed the attention. I mean, is it all in my head? I thought I found clarity on this issue, but now I'm not so sure. His life is a mess- he probably shouldn't be starting anything serious with anyone. It's probably not healthy to go from a decade with a crazy person to an instant family, either.

[Aleadragonhawk]

What you seem to be wondering is if you're romantically compatible, or if it was just the routine and having someone there that resulted in you sleeping with your friend. This is a hard question to answer, but if he's also interested in finding out the extent of your relationship, I'd suggest taking a step back from the living together/sleeping together and starting at square one - with a date. It's entirely possible that you're compatible and would be very happy together, and I almost always advise people to not pass up on the potential of a best friend becoming more - I married my best friend and we're incredibly happy.

[Georgie Grrl]

What you seem to be wondering is if you're romantically compatible, or if it was just the routine and having someone there that resulted in you sleeping with your friend. This is a hard question to answer, but if he's also interested in finding out the extent of your relationship, I'd suggest taking a step back from the living together/sleeping together and starting at square one - with a date. It's entirely possible that you're compatible and would be very happy together, and I almost always advise people to not pass up on the potential of a best friend becoming more - I married my best friend and we're incredibly happy.

 

That's really nice to hear. I feel like this is someone that I could have something real with if the timing was different. Which is weird for me to even say because, prior to him moving in with me, I had never really thought of him in that way. I do feel like I should just give him some space and let him get his life together. In other words, not put my life on hold or anything, but just play it by ear.

[Georgie Grrl]

I do need to ask for male opinions here, though. Why do men sleep with a woman they're good friends with if they know they are not willing to take it further?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i thought from your first post that it is he who drew back and said the 'let's be friends' talk...

 

if you are the one who told him to go away, and are not sure now, then by all means, why don't just date for a while and take it slow, see how it goes? it doesn't have to be an either/or situation (i.e., either 'just friends' or else living together).

 

there is nothing wrong with dating him and going slow until you are more sure whether it is a good idea or not, as long as you both talk about it.

[Georgie Grrl]

i thought from your first post that it is he who drew back and said the 'let's be friends' talk...

 

if you are the one who told him to go away, and are not sure now, then by all means, why don't just date for a while and take it slow, see how it goes? it doesn't have to be an either/or situation (i.e., either 'just friends' or else living together).

 

there is nothing wrong with dating him and going slow until you are more sure whether it is a good idea or not, as long as you both talk about it.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to be confusing. He is the one who pulled back and said "let's just be friends". About a week after the first time we slept together, I had a rare girls' night out. I came home and had a few more drinks (I don't drink often so it doesn't take much). Well, I came on to him and he told me that him sober and me drunk would never happen. Stupid little drunken me was naturally hurt at the rejection and told him so. He asked me if I wanted him to stay with a relative. I told him that if he was still going to move that he needed to go. (The move was thousands of miles away to be with a girl he's never even kissed and has only met a handful of times {an old roomate's sister}- total other story. This is no longer in his game plan, BTW), That's when he kinda got choked up and told me I was his closest friend. I repeated that if he was certain he had to move, he needed to go before he hurt me anymore than he already had.

 

Sorry again, I hope that made sense. I was trying for the condensed version. I really am afraid to have feelings for him and he really does seemed to be mixed up at the moment.