The Ex-Wife Secretly called my Boyfriend

[Confusedlove]

They have been divorced for about 4 years now and him & I have been together for about 3 years. A couple weeks ago he started acting strange and started questioning his feelings for me (it was out of the blue). I didn't understand it and the more I questioned him the more frustrated he got. Then he said we needed a break. Just as soon as I accepted it (as hard as it was), he changed his mind and realized he wanted to be with me forever and that he loves me and wants to make this work no matter what.

 

A few days after he tells me all that, I find that his ex-wife got him a cell phone so they could privately talk. Are you kidding me? He was stunned that he got caught and was so embarrassed. He grabbed me and told me how sorry he was and the only reason he accepted the phone was because she was going through some things and felt she needed to talk to him and he didn't want me to get upset about it. He said he is taking the phone back tomorrow with a letter asking her not to contact him or his family again. She is 8 yrs older than him and has always wanted him back. I feel she is trying to start conflict. He said none of it matters because he only wants me. Not really sure what I should do. He swears up and down on his grandmother's grave that nothing happened between them and that she has a boyfriend for a couple yrs now. Deep down, I know that if him & I broke up she would do whatever she could to get him back and dump her boyfriend. Is it bad that I feel this way? I think she is a very pathetic person, what women would do that to another women. Worst of all, I can't believe the man I love would do this to me. Just searching for some help!!!

[Papillion]

that's hectic. I would be incandescent if i discovered what you did. Do you trust him? Has he ever given u reason to doubt him before during your 3 years together? Does he have children by his ex?

[coolchick]

Hey confused,

 

I am so sorry to be the dampener on this situation but we have to be honest here. Your boyfriend has been with you for 3 years, told you that he only wants you and loves you to bits. His ex wife was a part of his life and sometimes its hard for woman (men too) to let go of this, as they were married afterall. You know yourself if you and your boyfriend broke up and he got another gf you would find it hard to just end contact. But its something that everyone has to do and its a must since this woman still has feelings for your bf. Your defo right there. But be honest with yourself, do you trust this man? Do you think he would hurt you and risk everything by seeing his ex again? If there is even slight doubt in your mind then you dont trust him.

 

He hid it from you because he didnt want to hurt you. He only accepted a phone call, that was it. Then he told you how much he loves you and wants to be with you. Please appreciate this and dont ruin your relationship by doubting him. Its not his fault his ex called and he sounds like an amazing man who isnt as cold hearted as some who can just be nasty to his ex. If you two ever broke (touch wood, never happens) then you would hope that he wouldnt be nasty to you either am i right?

 

Your bf has now said that he's going to tell his ex to never call again and he has told you exactly how he feels about you. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship and dont let her ruin it for you both! Good luck xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ouch, this is not good. He is certainly doing a lot of backtracking. This is way too suspicious. I would hazard a guess that they were getting closer and that is why he was questioning his feelings for you and wanted a break. I am not buying this whole notion that she was having problems and needed to talk to him on a private cell phone. If this was a legitimate reason then he would have told you about it...he doesn't have to tell you the exact problem if that is confidential....but, he could have told you that his ex is going through a bad time. It is quite possible that he himself bought the cell phone to communicate with her, but he is blaming it on her to cover his butt. Even if she did get him the cell phone, she likely wouldn't do that unless he was encouraging her attentions. The person you should be most angry with his your boyfriend because he is NOT playing straight with you. He is shedding the necessary crocodile tears and the over-the-top, clichéd "swearing on his grandmother's grave" in order to get you off the "scent". I would be very vigilant if I were you. I am very sorry you are going through this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is the big clue: ' started questioning his feelings for me '

 

now, if she is just going through a tough time, this has NOTHING to do with him and you, and HER tough time should have no effect on HIS emotions. it wasn't about just chatting with her about her problems, if he starts 'questioning' your relationship and asks for a break and then gets caught with a private cellphone talkign to her.

 

it sounds like perhaps they either hooked up (and he is covering this up), or he was THINKING about getting together with her again...

 

one does NOT buy someone a cellphone for casual conversation. she could call him at work or whatever. they were both intent on covering up their conversations. that in itself is very suspicious...

 

i would definitely take a step back and be cautious at this point. if he wasn't physically cheating, he was toying with the idea (and may yet).

 

i'm sorry, but this doesn't sound good at all...

[Confusedlove]

I hear everything you all are saying. I am so frustrated. I searched the phone and can tell it is in her name and I believe that this was her idea cause I know how desperate she is to get back with him. She is older and lonely in her relationship cause it isn't what she wants. Anyway, I just hear his words but don't see actions. I feel like he emotionally cheated on me by disrespecting me by accepting the damn phone.

 

At this point, I would never want to meet this women or be friends with her for the simple fact that women should not do these things to each other. Give me a breaK???

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are right, women should not do these things...but you seem to be displacing your anger on to this woman when you should be really furious at your boyfriend. This woman is doing this because she is being encouraged by HIM. Why is HE encouraging her. Whether or not she is lonely is not your issue...your boyfriend is the real issue. Just by the fact that he accepted the phone and that he was re-evaluating the status of the two of you is a strong indication that he is not so innocent with regards to his ex. In fact, he could even be playing with her emotions and that is why she is running after him.

[jenny_mcs]

You are right, women should not do these things...but you seem to be displacing your anger on to this woman when you should be really furious at your boyfriend. This woman is doing this because she is being encouraged by HIM. Why is HE encouraging her. Whether or not she is lonely is not your issue...your boyfriend is the real issue. Just by the fact that he accepted the phone and that he was re-evaluating the status of the two of you is a strong indication that he is not so innocent with regards to his ex. In fact, he could even be playing with her emotions and that is why she is running after him.

 

I absolutely agree with crazyaboutdogs. Sure, what this woman did to you was lame, but what your bf did was 1000 times worse. This women acted shady, but she is a stranger who owes you nothing.

 

Your bf is the one who betrayed you- and I also agree with the oher posters, I don't buy his story totally. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I think there is a lot more going here than he has admitted.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is far safer to focus anger on the 'other woman' than to recognize that your partner is smack in the middle of this triangle, and playing both women off each other.

 

there would be NO ISSUE if he weren't buying into this triangle somehow and encouraging her.

 

it is actually quite common for people to cheat with their ex-spouses, because of the convenience of it, and their history together. and if he knows she is still carrying a torch for him, all the easier for him.

 

and please don't jump to the conclusion that because she is 'older and desperate' that she is the one stirring this pot up (or that her age or desperation is driving her motivation)... she was the same amount older when she originally married him, and obviously there was something there or they wouldn't have married. and he is also weak and less than honest, if he is running around whispering into a cellphone owned by his ex wife while pretending to be devoted to you.

 

so please don't immediately believe everything he is telling you about her when HE is the one caught clutching a cellphone linked to her. nobody held a gun to his head and MADE him take that cellphone.

 

and he could be playing both of you.

 

please step back from this a bit and put him on probation so to speak... he has to cut all contact with her, and show you that he is faithful, and not talking to her or anyone else. he has clearly just shown you he is willing to sneak around with someone behind your back, and whether it is his ex wife or someone else, it doesn't matter.

 

in 15 years it could be you on that cellphone, while he promises his new much younger girlfried that SHE is his one and only. be very careful, he has shown himself to be deceptive and manipulative.

[Miss Firecracker]

He will be likely to propose a marriage soon to smooth things over. That and a lot of other nice things. Don't marry him, at least not anytime in the near future.

[girliegirl67]

He is acting very peculiar and I would take notice. Anytime a man turns like that and starts questioning "his" feelings for anyone chances are he's already got someone in the pot or is getting ready to. He could be wracked with guilt too over his actions be it either talking to his ex behind your back or having an affair with her.

 

That's not the big problem though, the Big Problem is your boyfriend has a private cell phone in which he uses to carry on private conversations with another woman!!! It doesn't matter if it is his ex wife, ex girlfriend, a girl from work or a complete stranger. It's Another Woman and I can tell you this too based on experience one of the main things they discuss is probably you!! There is another woman your boyfriend is talking too and while he may be listening to his exes problems you can bet she has gotten him to open up about you....and your relationship. You could blame her but she only drove the car up so to speak, he is the one who opened up the door and stepped in.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh and I'm truly sorry this is happening to you, I've been through it and it sucks big time!

[Confusedlove]

Ok, now I found out from him last night (because I wouldnt' take anymore I don't knows for an answer) that he still has feelings for his ex-wife that have never gone away. He said he has tried to make them go away but with her contacting him 3 weeks ago it only confirmed the feelings are there. He wants to be able to get rid of the feelings so he can live happily ever after with me. I am so confused and don't know what to do. He said to just go with the flow and he is sorry for having to tell me something so deep. I thought I really knew this man and never in a million years thought he would be like this. Either way, I am faced with a harsh reality. I just want to curl up and wake up when this is all over.

 

He wants a family and she already has 2 grown kids who would not approve of them getting back together because after they divorced they tried it 4 more times and it never worked.

 

Is it possible to have feelings for your ex after 4 yrs and is it possible they could just be fantasy. Is there a such thing as getting rid of or moving on from those feelings? Any advice. He mentioned us going to counseling?

[Confusedlove]

any thoughts or advice from my previous comment?

[ghost69]

well, if someone told me they still had feelings for someone else other than me, i'd be out. at that immediate moment. i think you really have to have some intense feelings for someone to tell your SO about it. i like that he is honest about it and admits he wants to work on it. at least you are not in the dark on this. but, how did he all the sudden come into contact with an ex after 4 years? stuff like that doesn't just happen. i'd take that as a sign.

[Confusedlove]

She saw him in the store engagement ring shopping for me and it bothered her cause she still isn't over the relationship - even though she divorced him. She would do anything to have him back - anything. I think she stroked his ego and played on their happy times and that is what has sparked a lot of this. I will never know for sure. I don't even know if I am doing the right thing by sticking by him. If my friends knew all of this they would think I am a fool.

[ghost69]

well, i'm not going to call you a fool. but in this last post you just made you said he still isn't over the relationship. i wouldn't be with someone that i get that feeling from. you are either into me and only me or nothing. i hope you aren't all caught up in marriage that you are blinded.

[beauty21]

If your husband went back to her, he'd be the fool. I am so sorry about this. He should have never accepted a phone from his ex wife, and the minute she called him and they talked he should have mentioned it to you. He sounds confused. One minute he's screaming how much things aren't going to work, then he's screaming he loves you are the one he wants. It's a bunch of BS. If you are the one that he loves and wants then he has no business talking to his ex-wife in private, or accepting her gifts. He's torn in between the two.

 

You now have to figure out if you can deal with being with someone that still has feelings for someone else. Can you live with that? You shouldn't have to "go with the flow" of anything. He should have been honest with you, instead you caught him and he was willing to let you go because of her. What is the point of being with someone if they are not 100% committed to you like you are to them?

[FreedomRing]

Did he really tell you to "go with the flow" after he confessed to still having feelings for his ex-wife???????

 

Wow!

 

Completely unacceptable IMO. Who says that kind of bull?? Tell him you'll make the choice very easy for him, and he need not be confused any longer. BOUNCE.

[savannahohsavannah]

I wish I had a nickle for every time I've read something like this online. It's a sad story, one woman and one man, and then suddenly two women and one man. The mans' ego is certainly getting stroked here, so please do not fight over him! If he needs to be friends with his ex, that's not really bad as long as that's all their is, but you are suspicious. And with reason since he's saying he still has feelings for her. The problem is, at one time or another all of us have feelings for our ex's! But we accept that they are our past lives and live in the present. Why isn't he doing that? Is he emotionally immature?

 

I have a question: since you've been with him for three years, have you ever set a wedding date and then cancelled? Or had an engagement? I would be asking myself, at the two and a half year mark if this guy wants anything other than a dating (I don't know if you are living together, sorry!) relationship. Did you recently try to put the thumbscrews down and try to get him to commit to something more permanent? Or have you just been as easy as he is to go with the flow? If you've been going for a more permanent relationship you might find that this is a passive aggressive response to you. I dunno, only you know him, I don't. But please, as Miss Firecracker said, please don't blame the woman at the expense of taking a look at where the responsiblity for all this firmly belongs: with your boyfriend.

 

I'm sorry for your troubles at Xmas!

 

Hugs

Savannah

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I would be upset with her, because NO woman should stoop so low as to secretly BUY someone else's MAN a phone, so she can secretly have relations with him. I personally think she cheated herself. I would also be mad at him, because he was keeping something important from the relationship, between you and him. I think he should have been honest and forth coming, when his ex-wife got back in touch. If you don't mind me asking...Do you even know how they started "secretly" talking? I mean, from what he is telling you, I think he is hiding something else, too.

 

I would understand fully, if you never have a drop of trust for him. Personally, he doesn't deserve it. Maybe you should be asking yourself if "he" is what you want? Instead of giving "him" the option of choosing who "he" wants, you should be the one with the control, not him...

[Confusedlove]

To answer a few questions that came up. Yes, we live together and have for 2 yrs now. He told me that she called him one day and needed to talk to him about some things with her kids (no they are not his kids) but she wanted advice or some * * * * like that. He told her that it is not appropriate to call him that he has a g/f and that I would be upset if I knew she was trying to contact him. Then she said she had an extra cell phone and she wanted him to have it so she could contact him if she needed something. Why on earth he accepted it - I still have no idea? They met up at the mall and she gave him the phone. They only had it about 10 days before he got caught red handed. The problem is, she told him she is not over him from 4 yrs ago. I personally think that she stroked his ego and tried to bring up the "good" old memories to get his attention. Of course, the timing was horrible cause we had been arguing over some stupid stuff. He told me he still has feelings for her; however, after the last 2 wks we have had with each other, I am leaning more towards the fact that I think he was day dreaming of good times with her and nothing more than that. Only time will tell and at this point I am willing to take a chance.

 

The night that I told him I would make the choice for him and that I was done, I walked out of the room and out of the house and he chased me down. From that point on, things between us have been wonderful!!! We had a great holiday together and everything feels right! But then again, time will tell.

[ghost69]

that's why he took the cellphone. she was being nice to him when everything else was horrible.

[Papillion]

He told her that it is not appropriate to call him that he has a g/f and that I would be upset if I knew she was trying to contact him.

 

I dont believe that for one second. He's added that bit into the story for your benefit.

 

He wouldn't say that to her and then accept the cellphone.