Appropriate Gift for 5 months dating?

[Batya33]

Once again this is about a friend. Two of my friends (she is early 30s, he is early 40s) who met through me at a party I had are dating each other since July. The guy, B, is separated for a year and has not yet filed for divorce or done anything towards that end - he has no children.

 

The woman, L, has never been married. L is crazy about B. They've been exclusive since just about August or so. B and L have introduced each other to friends and parents (which is somewhat significant for B as his family is quite traditional). I posted a thread a few months ago about this couple where he seemed to exclude her from a long conversation.

 

 

 

They just exchanged holiday gifts since one of them does not celebrate christmas. For him, she had a photo album made of his dog who recently passed away. B was very close with his dog and had sent L a number of pictures of the dog .

 

B got L a boxed set of The Twilight Zone series (wasn't cheap!). L has never seen an episode (also due to her age) and never mentioned the show to B. B's thinking was that L loves to watch TV and this is classic TV. L believes that it is an impersonal gift and also odd since it is 7 seasons of a show she's never seen, she is not into science fiction (although neither am I and I love twilight zone!) and she is disappointed given how thoughtful/personal her gift was for him.

 

My view - after 5 months dating where they are exclusive but the situation is such that they are not "that" serious, she made a small mistake in going all out as she did for this very personal gift. If I were she I would have baked cookies and then maybe added a book, a CD or something that she thought he would like, and then let him make the more romantic gesture if he was going to. I don't think his gift was a good idea but the contrast between his gift and her gift made the situation worse.

 

I am also not sure whether she should read into the gift - the "impersonal" part how he feels about her.

 

Or, does none of this matter and is it really the thought that counts?

[gradle]

this is a holiday gift though, no? if not, i think it's odd to celebrate a 5 month anniversary.

 

i thought her gift to him was sweet, but way too personal. he probably had his dog well before she came around and has many memories that do not involve her wrapped up in it. for her to go super personal in that way, i think, is a bit inappropriate. well intended, but inappropriate.

 

one thing that maybe she could look at his gift, is maybe he intends on watching twilight zone with her? that would give the two of them something to do together and it could be "their" show.

 

I just don't think she should expect immediate/sudden romance. if she is, than this recently separated man probably isn't the right guy for her.

[Daligal83]

I don't know if her gift was too personal. If she felt comfortable giving it and he felt comfortable receiving it, then no problem. I think the mistake on her part is to expect him to give a gift at the same level. At their stage of their relationship, her gift was thoughtful but not required.

 

I don't think she should be insulted at the gift he gave her. It's not like he thought she loved the Twilight Zone and then got it for her. And even though she doesn't like science fiction, he has seen this show and maybe thought that she would like it. It's really not all that impersonal at all if you think about it. He got her something that she hadn't seen before that he thought she would like. If he's wrong and she hates it...well that wasn't his intention. Why would he even spend money on something like that if he didn't have a good idea that she'd like it?

 

I think she's just disappointed that she didn't give a gift on par with what she got him. It seems like she's on a different level with her feelings than he is and she just needs to be aware of that and not expect certain things from him because of it.

[Batya33]

Thanks Gradle and Daligal - both very interesting perspectives! Gradle - I don't think he said they could watch it together but that would have gone a long way.

 

I also agree it was "thoughtful" because he gave thought to what she might like. But not romantic.....

[gradle]

yeah, i think she's ok. she shouldn't read into it so much! it's hard not to i know, i'm a girl too

[melrich]

Yeah, I think his gift was unusual. Her gift was a good idea. I don't think either was innappropriate, one maybe just missed the mark a bit. That happens with gifts, both the giver and receiver should know that.

[Siriana]

Hm....I like her gift.

I don't think it's too personal since he send her all those pics and openly talked about his pet.

If he was hiding his feelings about it, than it would be too personal.

But since he felt comfortable revealing how much he liked the dog and giving all those pictures of a dog to her than I don't think she went too far with it.

She was just acting like a woman who is head over heels into a guy and if the guy feels the same he would be happy about her thoughtful gift, even if it is a little bit sentimental (but some guys would like a woman like that so it's not a bad thing.)

This isn't a gift I would give to someone or even wanted to receive, but I don't think it's a bad one.

 

Now his gift...

I understand her disappointment since she looks like a romantic person.

To me this is more a friendly gift..especially in the beginning of the dating.

It's a cool gift when you already know your bf very well and you say to him, hey I want that box set for Christmas...than it's great, but this way, I wouldn't be really happy about it unless I asked for it.

Now, I believe it was not a cheap gift, but since she's probably more on the romantic side something feminine would be better (maybe earrings with cute stones on it - for example aquamarine..or something like that, a day at the spa.....etc).

 

To me it looks like they are not completely compatible, and maybe she doesn't realize that yet.

 

I wouldn't go that far to claim he is not that into her as she is into him..based on a gift, but to me it looks like he is (and based only on the experience with one of my exes, so I might project things here) a completely different person.

I still remember that post about the party and based on those two things he looks like he might be someone who values friendship, going out, having fun, having wast circle of friends and giving everything for friends kind of guy.

She on the other hand looks like someone who values personal time with the person she loves over wast circle of friends.

Again I might be projecting.

 

I will say my experience - my ex gave me a CD from a famous pop star on my birthday - we were a couple for about 2-3 months.

Now that is a cheaper gift than the box set...but ...

My dear mother,unable to keep things to herself, immediately toled to me: "You know I think he is immature and that this gift is not appropriate for a girlfriend."

(you gotta love her, right?!?! I mean really, she pissed me soooo much)

And than she told: " At least a flower with that would be a good idea..he is 29! And his gift is something a teenager would give for a birthday!!And it's a cheap gift!"

I was pissed but after a while I realized she was right....straight to the point.

 

So based on my experience I think his gift was of the same kind, but only more expensive (my ex was cheap..looks like this guy isn't).

I don't think he has this couple thinking in his head sorted out as more important than social life.

Bot thats not the problem.

The problem I see is them being different personalities.

[annie24]

i agree that it's a slightly off-beat gift if one is not into the twighlight zone - but it is unique, and maybe she would like it? some people are not great gift givers. or maybe he likes the twighlight zone and thought she would like it too. i do think it's nice, and 5 months is still relatively early on.

 

now on the other hand, i think that a photo album of the dog is kind of an immature gift - not that i don't love dogs, and i think a photo album is nice, but it kind of reminds me of a high school gift, you know? it's sweet, but i don't know if she knows him well enough for that yet.

 

meh, i wouldn't overanalyze, as long as the relationship is going well.

[Batya33]

So, they recently broke up. He had not yet filed for divorce and also said he wasn't sure of his feelings for her. Part of her Christmas gift to him were tickets to a concert (for them to go together) that is coming up in a month or so. The show is sold out. She asked him for the tickets back. I think that he can keep them since they were a gift (although it would be nice of him to offer to give them back). And, if it makes a difference, recently for her birthday, he got her a cake and a card but no gift -- he said he didn't have time to get a gift for her.

[JadedStar]

I agree. If a gift i wouldn't ask for the tix back, but he could be nice and give them back anyway since he initiated the break up.

[Batya33]

Well she ended it but after he said he was not ready to file for divorce (too much going on in his life) and that he thought something was missing between them so she pulled the trigger but only after he said this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I just read this thread, and having experienced the loss of a dog, and having put together my own photo album of the dog as a tribute, I think her choice of gift was not at all inappropriate...there is too much thinking going on here about the gift. Too much emphasis...it wasn't like she got him something lovey dovey...it was just a tribute to the dog he loved...and that is a really kind gesture. His gift to her, while disappointing since it wasn't her taste, is still not such a big deal. These kinds of things should not make or break a relationship...it is just too trivial. Gift giving to anyone is a difficult thing. I think the real meat of the matter is that he had no interest in filing for divorce and that is a big issue...the gift giving is minor. As for the concert tickets, if the idea was that they were to go together, then it really is hers as well and he should give them back. I think she should ask for them back...she gave them in good faith thinking they were a couple...he can't return her feelings so why should he take the tickets that she bought for the two of them and use them to take someone else. She should be the one to have the option to take someone else.

[Batya33]

Yes and thanks for all your input. I suppose since she gave him the tickets as a gift with a "wink wink we know you are taking me" then you can say it's a gift and he doesn't have to give them back or that one of the tickets belongs to her. I hope he is a gentleman and gives them back. I know him other than through her.

[annie24]

they're a gift, but of course, she was assuming he was going to take her, by giving them to him. i guess they are his, but if she wants them back, she can always ask for them back, but if she says no, she should let it go.

 

maybe he thinks they are still going together?

[JadedStar]

I dont think either of them gave inappropraite gifts either. Hers was more heartfelt than his but let's face it, some people are not good with giving gifts. If it comes naturally to you (good gift giving) it is often hard to understand that it is a difficult and sometimes daunting task to know the right thing to get.

 

The twilight zone series, in his mind, WAS heartfelt becasue he was thinking about her love for classic movies, and he obviously enjoyed this classic series and wanted to share. I dont think it was as "non heartfelt" as some might think.

 

My daughter made me a scrapbook of my little lost pup for christmas and it was one of the best gifts i have ever gotten.

[Batya33]

they're a gift, but of course, she was assuming he was going to take her, by giving them to him. i guess they are his, but if she wants them back, she can always ask for them back, but if she says no, she should let it go.

 

maybe he thinks they are still going together?

 

He knows they are not going together. I wasn't sure if it was right to ask for them back. I heard that she did, by text, not sure what the answer was. In seeing these responses I agree that while it's technically a gift it would be rude of him to keep them.

[annie24]

well, since he did the breaking up, i think he should give it back. but if she broke up with him, then she should let him keep it. but, she can't make him give them back, it's a gift.

 

not 'ready' to get divorced...? hm, wonder if he's going to try to get back with his wife.

[Batya33]

well, since he did the breaking up, i think he should give it back. but if she broke up with him, then she should let him keep it. but, she can't make him give them back, it's a gift.

 

not 'ready' to get divorced...? hm, wonder if he's going to try to get back with his wife.

 

She pulled the trigger after he said again that he wasn't ready to get divorced and wasn't feeling it for her. So not sure who broke up!

 

I am almost certain he doesn't want to reconcile. I do think he has a lot going on and is in no rush to go through the messy process of a divorce.

[JadedStar]

well, since he did the breaking up, i think he should give it back. but if she broke up with him, then she should let him keep it. but, she can't make him give them back, it's a gift.

 

not 'ready' to get divorced...? hm, wonder if he's going to try to get back with his wife.

 

ONe of those risks of dating someone separated. They are always in high risk category. Now anyone can get back wtih an ex but separated people are probably at highest risk.

 

I am sure this is one of the many reasons you have to be separated a year before filing.

[Batya33]

ONe of those risks of dating someone separated. They are always in high risk category. Now anyone can get back wtih an ex but separated people are probably at highest risk.

 

I am sure this is one of the many reasons you have to be separated a year before filing.

 

Yes. I had an almost argument with her about this right before they started dating but I refused to give my personal opinion of him and once she said she disagreed that it was risky I backed off and said good luck. But, she then took it into account and said she was going in with eyes wide open. I will not be telling her I told you so. He's had every major life transition this past year other than personal illness (but a very close family member is very ill).

[JadedStar]

I don't think telling her "i told you so" is good practice so that is nice that you are not doing that. SOmetimes a person has to make a mistake personally before they see the value in one's advice.

 

Good job.

[Batya33]

I don't think telling her "i told you so" is good practice so that is nice that you are not doing that. SOmetimes a person has to make a mistake personally before they see the value in one's advice.

 

Good job.

 

I have no desire to, none at all. I never did. Update - sounds like they are exchanging their things this evening and he said he would return the tickets to her. whew.

[Siriana]

he said he would return the tickets to her. whew.

 

O.k. he is fair enough - it was the right thing to do.

[Daligal83]

It sounds like she's better off. I think she was basically a rebound for him and he's not ready for anything more. I mean he didn't have time to get her a present for her birthday? Come on. That's a cop out and means he just didn't care.

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree. Apparently the exchange of stuff - including the return of the tickets to her - has happened and went well. He is confused, not sure if he wants just a break, not sure if they should go on dates once in awhile but for now she seems fairly certain she wants "NC." I wouldn't be shocked if she continues to see him which would be a disaster.