I'm Clingy and Insecure

[mtk22]

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years.

We're both boys, and we're both 19 at the moment.

 

About a year into our relationship he had been using websites like myspace and dlist to looks at guys' profiles and talk to other guys. He told me that a few times, he either had inappropriate conversations, exchanged nude photos, or went on webcam with inappropriate intentions.

 

Back in May 2007, he met a younger guy on myspace who went to his former highschool and became friends with him. Recently, my boyfriend told me about how things went too far on one of the two times they hung out. He says that he started going down on him, but stopped and left right away once he realized what he was doing was wrong.

 

Here's my problem

All these things that have happened have been making it hard for me to trust him. I get anxious when I'm not with him, because I'm worried that he's going to do something bad. I feel like he could still be hiding something from me and that I have no way of finding out.

 

Also, I've been snooping on his computer a lot, checking his internet history, emails, facebook, myspace etc. and he gets really upset when I do that. Snooping somehow makes me feel better because it makes me more sure that he is not doing anything bad.

 

My questions

What can I do to start trusting my boyfriend more?

What can he do so that I can trust him more?

Should I or should I not be allowed to snoop?

[lilypadgirl]

Given what he's done I think you have ever right to feel insecure. However, try to take comfort that he is telling you about everything instead of hiding it from you and does feel guilty about it.

 

Talk to him and see if what the problem is and how the two of you can fix it. You're both young and it sounds like he might be interested in having more sexual experiences.

 

If that's the case, then in my opinion, I think you need to cut him loose because sooner or later he's going to cheat.

 

Good luck!

[Clabs]

Hey mtk and welcome to ENA.

 

It is little wonder that you feel clingy and insecure, with all you have been subjected to. And no wonder you feel compelled to go snooping about to make sure he is not still doing these things behind your back.

 

OK - he may have fessed up to you but it is emotional cheating and he has obviously hurt you badly - AND it has happened more than once.

 

What can you do to trust him more? Well - you need to tell him just how much this has hurt you. Ask him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot?

 

When trust is broken, it can take a long long time for the damage to be repaired and this won't just happen overnight. He needs to know that you want a committed relationship from him.

 

He needs to show with his actions that he wants the same thing and that he is done with all this damaging behaviour - that is when you will start to be able to begin rebuilding trust.

 

Snooping? Well, I am not sure I agree with that woman. I have never had a problem with somone snooping on me, but I would hope that I would not give my partner a reason that they would feel like they needed to snoop. Having said that - when my ex wife suddenly started acting suspiciously, wanting me to leave home and then start shinanigans with me not being allowed to see my kids then desperate times called for desperate measures - I needed answers and nothing satisfactory was forthcoming from her so I bugged EVERYTHING - fones, emails, you name it - I know - I'm bad! I wasn't proud of myself but I am glad I did it.

 

Your problem is that you are still together and it can be like an ilness to keep going back - to see if he is still being honest with you. He may get upset that you go snooping, but line your "crimes" along one aside each other and he has to see why you did what you did.

 

There has to come a time where you do need to start to trust him - if he is trying to get over his issues and be committed to you - keep your eyes wide open, but give him the benefit?

 

It could be that he is immature (you are certainly both young) and wants to experience what else is out there. As I say - keep your eyes open. But if anything else comes along that rocks the boat in the same way, you need to kick him into touch - he cannot have his cake of a loving and caring relationship from you and some icing from elsewhere.

 

Take care fella - I hope this works out ok for you both.

 

Mark

[Snoopy24]

Hello,

 

Well I don't think there is anything you can do to help you trust him again.

 

It takes time and he has to earn it back.

 

My bf cheated on me 3 times with his ex the first two months of our relationship.

 

I don't trust him but i am working on it. I don't "snoop" per se. But I have all his passwords to everything and I check it with him..kinda like it's my mail too.

 

You just have to decide if he is worth it. Because earning someones trust back is not easy.