Why is he still contacting me?

[London Girl]

I met my ex an on-line dating site. We dated for 5 weeks and slept together after one month. He initiated all contact and meeting up, sending loving texts and being very affectionate during the 5 weeks we were together. I was cautious since when I first met him he had only been single for 4.5 months and I told him I was not going to be a rebound girl that's why I was wary towards him. He said that he had emotionally detached himself from his ex even when they were together and he was relieved when she ended it.

 

Anyways we took things slowly. Then out of the blue he called me after spending a weekend together where he acted all lovey dovey towards me to say he is sorry but he is not ready for a relationship with anyone. He thinks I am a great girl etc.. but he said when we started to visit each others flats and started to have sex he panicked and said that it was heading towards a steady relationship which he thought he was ready but now realised he is not. He said he would like to keep in touch by email.

 

Anyway 2 days after dumping me he emails me to wish me a happy birthday to which I replied with a thank you.

 

Then a week after he sends me this random text message saying "hi, hope I am well and had a nice birthday and that he is out with his friend and his friend says hi and how weird is this, that his friend is his best mate from school - he signed off my saying have a nice w/end with a kiss".

 

Yes I do know his friend as we used to work together but why is he even telling his friend let alone me when he has dumped me! I have stuck with strict no contact and only responded when he initated the contact. I also notice that he is still "active" on the same dating site. I'm just confused by this all.

 

Do you think he will come back? I know he had a messy breakup and perhaps just wants to be single for the time being.

[auburnslp]

he might. He is still contacting you. He most likely really likes you but was afraid of getting so close so soon after his break-up. He might come back around but you never know.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - it sounds like he has some unresolved issues. it is likely best to wait longer before having sex (several months) as many of these sorts of dating issues show up in the first 3-4 months of dating. i think you don't really know a person unless you've been dating them for 4 months - that's when the real them emerges.

 

i think you are doing the right thing - no contact. if he decides he made a mistake and asks you out again, go super slow, don't sleep with him, and see what happens.

 

clearly, he doesn't appear to be looking for a relationship right now, looks like he is just interested in casual dating.

[London Girl]

Thanks but I'm not too happy that he is still active on the dating site. If he is not ready for a relationship then I don't understand why is he on a dating site and advertising himself as looking for a serious relationship.

 

I also don't want him to think that I am soft and to be taken for a fool. I've also two of his favourite DVDs, shall I just wait until he ask for it back?

[auburnslp]

yeah I would wait. And he is on there because he just wants to date and not get too involved with anyone yet. He needs time, and you are doing the right thing by giving him that time and space...it sucks, but that really is all you can do right now.

[annie24]

Thanks but I'm not too happy that he is still active on the dating site. If he is not ready for a relationship then I don't understand why is he on a dating site and advertising himself as looking for a serious relationship.

 

I also don't want him to think that I am soft and to be taken for a fool. I've also two of his favourite DVDs, shall I just wait until he ask for it back?

 

people say all sorts of lies on their internet profiles. trust me. it's not uncommon for men to say they are looking for something serious, when they really aren't. are they going to get a whole lot of dates saying, 'i just want to have sex with you a few times, then dump you and find a new woman."? no, not really.

[London Girl]

Thanks Annie. I do agree with you that he has some unresolved issues. I think he is being unfair advertising himself as looking for a serious relationship - he should have put "casual relationship" then at least I would have decided whether to meet up with him.

 

I don't think it is the sex thing he was after. He never pressured me about sex and even offered to sleep on the sofa. If anything I initiated it. When he dumped me he said he normally has a year or so out from a failed relationship before embarking on another relationship. The man is 36 years old! If I knew I had something good before me then I would see it as potential but take things slowly instead of ending it before it even got started!

 

I don't know how to handle him if he does continue making random contact with me. I know he must have been hurt in the past from failed relationships but so have I but I have a positive outlook in life and don't judge every guy as being like any of my exes!

[annie24]

rule #1 - people LIE. maybe he himself thought he wanted a serious relationship, now he knows he doesn't, but he hasn't changed it. like you said, you wouldn't have gone out with him if he said he wanted a casual hookup. or maybe there was something about you that he didn't like so he didn't want to continue dating, so he gave you the 'don't want a relationship' line.

 

i'd just forget him, either way, doesn't really matter. i would disregard anything he says unless he wants to go on a date, and even then, i say be careful and cautious and keep your pants on

[auburnslp]

Good advice from Annie. I would listen to her...

[annie24]

Good advice from Annie. I would listen to her...

 

hahaha, thanks

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hmmm.... you can want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that he took off about a week after having sex would make me very cautious. it could have been he didn't 'know' til then, but it could also be that that was his objective, and having accomplished that, he is out looking for more women.

 

he could also try to show up again to pick up some more sex, so i think you need to NOT see him again unless he says he wants to date, and then date for several months before sleeping with him to make sure he is sincere about the dating part.

 

some men will put on a big push to get a woman into bed, then return to hunting more women... so it's hard to say which it was, but be cautious...

 

the old maxim fool me once shame on your, twice, shame on me applies...

[London Girl]

Thanks for your replies. I know most people think he was pursuing me just for sex but in this case I really don't think it was and I'm not saying that to stick up for him or me being naive. He was acting abit distant a day or two before we even slept together. When we did do it which I initiated he could not even perform as he said that it takes him a little while when he is with a new girl.

 

This is the guy who text me every day and was so affecitionate. To be honest when he ended it I was in such a shock. Only a couple of days ago prior to ending it with me, he told his boss about me. I don't see why now three weeks after dumping me he has sent me one email and two text messages. I do think he is a very confused guy that is emotionally messed up from the hurt of his failed relationship. But I'm intrigued as to whether he will change his mind if I just leave him alone.

[Clabs]

Hey LondonGirl and welcome on here.

 

I am sorry for the problems here - it is never easy when things end, for whatever reason.

 

This guy obviously has some big issues, and I don't man any homeless mags!

 

I think some people grasp at dating to get over previous relationships. He may have been over her but not over the relationship aspect if that makes any sense?

 

Already he is back on that dating site - what is that about? He puts that he wants a long term relationship, yet he tells you he is not ready for this! That is the trouble with the internet and those sites. People can be anything that they want to be. People (not all, but some) can use this oppertunity to mislead you. They can say they are tall when they are short, thin when they are fat, young when they are old. There is nothing wrong with being short or fat or old - we come in all sizes etc- but why not be honest? Whats to hide? You're gonna get found out. He spun the same lame old line on his profile because he wouldn't get many replies if he said he just wanted a bit of fun.

 

I think you need to ignore him - leave him to his confusion and his problems. Goodness know - he has a cheek contacting you any more after his deception towards you and now he is trying to decive others.

 

Put this one down to bad experience honey - and think yourself lucky this happened sooner rather than later - a dodged bullet and all!

 

Mark

[itsjustisnt]

He doesn't like you as much as he thought. He would have kept you around and have you help him heal from the past ex. He still wants to be your friend but does not want you to become a crazy girl. He wants all the control. I say stay away.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

please resist the temptation to try to nuture him like a baby bird who fell out of the nest... he is a grown man, and if he's not ready to date, he shouldn't be leading you on...

 

it NEVER works when you get cast into the 'therapist' role with a man...

 

i dated a guy once who gave me this similar 'i have trouble performing with a new woman' story, when the reality was he ALWAYS had trouble performing because he was gay and didn't want to admit it to himself. he kept hooking up with woman after woman and before you know it, you're nurturing his tortured soul and wondering why he won't have sex with you.

 

so regardless, let it go. yes, he could be back, but if he does come back, don't make 'poor wounded bird' excuses for him. that sets up a dysfunctional relationship, and makes us ignore red flags that may really be lurking there under the surface. if he dumped you but he is still trying to date other women, then it isn't about him 'not being ready'. something else is going on there.

[auburnslp]

I wouldn't go as far as to guess the guy is gay-but,...if he had problems the first attempt with you, that is not a good sign, and while sex is not everything, it IS an important thing in a healthy relationship...count yourself lucky and move forward...

[London Girl]

Hmm, if I'm honest it did cross my mind whether he was gay as he's quite a "feminine" sort of guy. Very particular, tidy, does yoga and pilates but I think that is just the way he is. Abit of a posh boy but I think he is straight.

 

He did perform the second time but what I found odd although I probably over generalising here is that he does not seem keen on sex like most guys would be. I think he enjoys his own space and freedom, he did mention that to me before we met. Perhaps it's the only child syndrome. I mean the guy is 36, has an expensive flat, drives a Porsche and is now thinking of getting another sports car. I don't think that sounds like a guy who wants to settle down!

 

He probably just like the ego boost of dating girls. I'm still at a loss really. Can't believe his feelings for me which was so intense on his part is now nothing. I'll be interested to see if he contacts me over Christmas and/or New Year - if he does should I reply?

[Clabs]

Hey honey

 

On the face of it, he sounds like a great catch. The Porche, the posh flat, blah. You can have all those things but as you have found to your cost, if he is not emotionally stable, this won't go very far.

 

To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a player to me. I am not saying he wanted you just for sex - and you know this too. But he can still play by wanting to have someone on his arm, but not wanting or being able to commit to you.

 

Please do not take this the wrong way in any way, shape or form, but it sounds like he would be much better off with an escort girl - to make him feel special when he wants - to not have to deal with any emotions afterwards.

 

I think you should run away from this guy - as quickly as you can. He will never commit to you and he will always be problematic.

 

What has he given you so far? He may have said this or that, that made you feel good and special, but what has he really given you? To my mind, it seems mainly grief.

 

As hard as it seems - don't hang on hope here - pay yourself more respect and look for someone who isn't out to trick you - to give you false hope - to make you hang around waiting for his non-action.

 

I think you are worth more than this - what do you think?

 

Mark

[London Girl]

Thanks Mark and no offence taken at all.

 

I think he is just "emotionally unavaible" at the moment. He did not talk to his mother for one year because they had a disagreement over the dinner table and now although they are back on speaking terms they don't even eat round the table to avoid any confrontation.

 

The problem is he is a sincere nice guy. A gentleman. I remember he arrived back from a long haul flight in the morning and wanted to see me in the evening. He even bought me back presents. He is so odd.

 

Not that I am making excuses for him. Maybe he is really is just so messed up emotionally from the failure of his last two relationships that he just does not want to go through the drama and hurt with another relationship? You know time on his own and nothing serious. I know some people do think this way. But what I'm not happy with is the fact he led me on and is still leading other people on by advertising himself as looking for a serious relationship on his dating profile.

 

I am trying to look at this objectively as I'm not getting any younger and I've wasted alot of my time in my past relationships trying to deal with my exes emotional baggage and nurse them better only to get kicked in the teeth once they back on their feet. I also seem to bag men with emotional baggage.

[Clabs]

Hiya!

 

I think the fact that he led you along and continues to do this - remember he is still looking for other people too. That'd be a clear signal to ignore him - I have no interest in investing my emotions in someone who didn't stop to find out about me, before carrying on and looking elsewhere.

 

Look darling - it is an easy trap to fall into to focus on your age - and on previous sour relationships, and conclude that you need to do something soon. We are lucky with love and we are unlucky. The trick is to remember is that whatever happens, you will be ok on your own. In fact - you could argue that you'll always be ok on your own. Will you ever dump you? Will you ever tell yourself you are not good enough? Will you ever treat yourself so flippantly? Of course not!

 

Start with you - get back to being TRULY happy with being on your own - enjoying your own company. It seems that the entire world is coupled up and gloriously happy - not true - open your ears and listen to the arguing couples with screaming kids in the shopping centers.

 

When you are happy being alone, you will glow and that is when you will become more attractive - you will be like a light bulb attracting moths.

 

Well - not moths, but you know what I mean. I guess I mean to never lose sight of your true worth and all your fantastic qualities.

 

Do I make any sense?

 

Mark

[London Girl]

Yes you do and thanks. You give good advice. In the past I've always done things using my heart and not my head but I know I need to use my head this time round.

 

Even my clairvoyant said that although she can see a making up card with this ex and that he will make contact (which he already has) she said he will make my life misery.

 

I agree with you, I do feel angry that he has not even given me a chance to get to know me but instead looking elsewhere. I think I must have scared him as I was "normal". He has met girls on dating sites before where he said they lied on their profile, had issues or did not look like their picture and there's me the first girl he emails after signing up and he finds me attractive and we got on so he must have just got overwhelmed and scared.

 

I do have self respect and dignity that's why I have not initated any contact with him since he broke up with me but I still feel hurt as I did really like this guy and thought it had potential to go somewhere. Oh well!

[annie24]

well, he's not really an ex, you only had one date/meeting. but i agree with the clairvoyant to leave him alone. the early stages of dating are so fickle, say or do one thing wrong, and you'll never hear from them again. oh well, it just wasn't a match.