can a male and female be best friends?

[trypanosoma]

Hi everyone!

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays! I am not at the moment simply because I don't know if I'm being too jealous or am letting my trust issues get the best of me. I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months but there is still one problem that bothers me... his female best friend. They’ve been best friends for 10 years, however, what bothers me is that she’s been in love with him for that long but hasn’t admitted to being in love with him until she found out about me moving to girlfriend status. When she found out that he was going to Australia to meet a girl he liked, the best friend had sex with him to keep him. Didn’t work (and not necessarily considered cheating because he was never officially involved with the Aussie). After that relationship with the Aussie ended 8 years ago, the best friend has been dating guys to get him jealous. And now that I’m the first official girlfriend he’s had in years (took him that long to move on from the Aussie), she’s being more paranoid and more possessive because she now knows that he’s involved with someone else.

 

I’m SOOO glad that she’s on the opposite end of the country, however, because of her whining of them spending less time together than before, he flew to see her for two weeks (he also had another event to attend in between so he was going either way). He said that three years ago, they used to be on the phone constantly for 5 hours, but now it’s down to 45 minutes and she is really upset about him never being there as the way it used to be…

 

So what bothers me? The fact that they always say ‘I love you’ after each phone discussion, that he claims to her that no one will come before her, and I have walked out on him many times when they’re on the phone for over 30 minutes when I’m at his place, but he chases after me and says that he’s afraid of losing the one best friend that’s been there for him these past few years, that he says what she wants him to say because he wants to be there for her now because she’s going through hard times. I just claim that she’s acting bipolar and is so childish on playing games where she calls and hangs up so he can chase after her.

 

So he’s over there now, on the other side of the country, and I fear that knowing that she’s capable of doing what she can to be with him (remember sleeping with him so he can not meet the Aussie?), and knowing that he loves her and is afraid of losing her, that she will always remain a huge problem.

 

Their friendship has been unstable for the past year, which is why he flew to see her to fix the friendship. I don’t want to be cheated on because of something she could’ve or can plan, like seducing him. I’ve told him many times that if he wants to be involved with her, knowing that they love each other and she wants to be involved with him, that he can do me the favor and end this relationship and run to her, because I find cheating unforgivable. Why have they never been involved? Because either he or she were involved with someone else so it’s bad timing, as he says. Is it possible to be best friends with someone you love dearly, but who’s in love with you? He says to trust him but it’s so hard when the worst is coming out of me because of her.

[inlove123]

its a really tricky situation here. There are some obvious signs shes chasing him to some degree. However, if hes not responding to it, you cant punish him for it. If they have been best friends for 10 years, im sorry to say, your the new girl. Its not a matter of being put before or after, but he also shouldn't have to let go of his friends. However, if things get too fishy, then just end the relationship. The longer you wait the more attached to him you'll be. I know I sure as hell couldnt stick with a chick that told a guy she loved him. Jealousy to some degree isnt bad. Nobody is perfect, it just shows you have something to lose.

[caro33]

I think that they can be best friends, and it would be likely to be harmless given the years they have been friends, the fact that they never really got together, and that they live so far apart. What makes this less harmless looking is the fact that she wants him and that they have a sexually intimate past. Are you sure she still wants him by the way? Has he told you this?

 

To be honest, I think the problem here is twofold:

 

(a) First, it's a problem with him. That is, if it's indeed a problem. He might not see it that way.

 

I personally wonder how it's taken him EIGHT YEARS to get over someone, and also, how if it was so important and special with the Aussie how he got sidetracked into sleeping with this best friend. I wonder what it feeds in him also to have this friend behave like this. Are we really to believe that each of them is not allowed to form another relationship, but that they also stay apart from one another just having marathon phone calls? If this is really the case I question his capacity and desire to have a real relationship anyway (and the past 8 years can be seen as evidence of a negative interpretation).

 

(b) Second, it's a problem with you. I don't mean that harshly, but the thing is, you are the new person here. You have entered this strange reality he has with this friend of his. You are the odd one out. If he is not capable of making this arrangement seem okay to you then I think you should get out of the relationship. Fair enough if it's not okay, but I would not hold out hope for a change. You would be fighting 10 years of history and some possibly deep issues...

 

Last thing - the way you write he sounds a bit feckless, like some pawn that can be manipulated. Either he's a strong man you can respect or he isn't. If he is a man worthy of your love and respect you should have nothing to worry about no matter what her designs are. If he is not that man, then move on anyway.

[trypanosoma]

Thank you inlove123 and caro33,

 

I understand that I can't change what they have, I understand that I'm the new person here, and I'm not telling him to do anything but to do what he thinks is the right thing to do. Caro33, I know she's still in love with him because she admitted to being in love with him over the phone once she found out that I was the new girlfriend... she panicked and they've talked on the phone for 2 hours about why he's with me and why he hasn't told her. They would've been on the phone longer if I wouldn't have interfered. I understand that they talk about problems but my time with him is my time with him.

 

Oh yeah, she found out about me being the new girlfriend by overhearing me pick up my cell next to him in his room saying that I'm in my boyfriend's house (I had a feeling he didn't tell her about me). When I asked why he told his male best friend and family about me but not his female best friend, he responded by saying that he knew that she was a jealous person and he knew that by mentioning me, there would be another problem between them and they would talk longer on the phone.

 

In fact, she's been holding out for him this long because it's like the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, the two best friends made a promise that if they aren't married after 10 years (I think, don't remember), that they're going to marry each other. She's been remembering about this promise, so like Julia Roberts' character, she's been playing cool and strong these past few years until a new person showed up on the guy's life, so the best friend panicked and admitted to being jealous for a reason and for still being in love and was hoping all this time that they'd end up married. What made it harder for her was that they always ended their phone conversations with 'I love you', I can see why she still stuck around with those hopes.

 

AND I loved the ending to that movie!!! :splat:

 

Anyway, he's been with the Aussie for a long time, so it took a long time to move on from that relationship. And him and the best friend had sex before getting involved with the Aussie, I think because the best friend wanted to prevent him from traveling to meet the Aussie and to get involved with her at that moment. But that's what I think, knowing that she'll do what she can to try to show him that they're soul mates.

 

My major concern is just learning to trust him when he's with her, like right now being accross the country with her and knowing that she can do anything conniving to make him hers. I'm not a jealous person, I don't mind him hanging out with female friends when he was here or him talking to women because most of my friends and best friend are guys, so I understand where he's coming from. However, I don't trust her and don't know if she'll let him go, hoping for us to not work so she can be there for him and show him that it's only her that will always be around for him.

 

I mean, I wouldn't seduce my best friend and have sex knowing that he's going to fly to meet a girl he fancied of another country. Like him, it's hard for me to let go of the fact that he also slept with her when he liked the Aussie, that he talks to her for hours if allowed over the phone, like they're a married couple. The problem here is knowing if I can trust him with her.

[ghost69]

when you know the friendship has gone too far and there is more = she cuts plans with you to hang with him.