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Aren't the holidays supposed to be happy?


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I haven't hit depression in a few months. I've talked to my doctor about my feelings before, but he insists I'm only mildly depressed, and I believe him because I don't get into bouts of depression like this often, just every once in awhile, out of nowhere.


I felt down about a week ago after seeing my ex. This pissed me off, because I really had convinced myself I was over it, over him, over everything. But he used to care after seeing me. He used to email me and ask me how I'm doing. It was predictable and I would laugh.. I'd laugh at the fact that even though he was the one to hurt me, that seeing him still yanked at his heart strings. This time though, it was different. No email. No phonecall. No care in the world. I felt rejected by him in the highest form 7 months ago, but I hadn't felt "forgotten" by him until now. And it disappoints me, even though I would never want anything to do with him again.


I've been thinking on and off about how this bugs me for the past week or so, and in between this, still having feelings for a guy that recently hurt me, and trying to date a new one I like and put away all these emotions of replacement I feel because of things that have happened with others.. I can't seem to fully attach myself to the idea of this guy. I'm disattached and I know I've let him down. I let him call me, I let him chase me, and I didn't repay him with the interest I felt. I just let everything hold me back. And how, he hasn't called when he was supposed to... and I just worried I lost my chance.


Then on top of all this, my "friends" have been letting me down repeatedly, but I'm too trustworthy and too hopeful that others will change that I keep letting them walk all over me. Letting them tell me they'll be in town and pretend to be excited to see me - and then letting them break plans because evidently they don't.


I just feel like everything's a mess, but that nothing is really that bad at the same time. I feel like it's the holidays and last year I was with someone during them, and now I can't even seem to open myself up to any possibility.


Bah humbug.

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I feel for you also. I am there with my ex also and it is tough time for me during this time. It is suppose to be a good time but how can you when you are feeling hurt, down and while friends are suppose to be there, you feel like that they are not there and busy with their own lives. It is hard and I know. I feel the same not even open myself up to any possiblity. You hit the nail on the head.


Hope you are doing ok.

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