How to not let the thoughts drive you crazy?

[tsarevnaelena]

I had a nice time with my ex. We laughed, had coffee, talked, played board games. No relationship talk, no talk about the past. But he mentioned he has a work trip coming up, one that he has to do every year. Now I remember this work trip and last year - before I met him - he apparently hung out and hooked up with a girl that worked in his company but in a different part of the country. I found this out from his good friend who was also on the trip. Now, even after the nice night we had, all I can think of is that he's again going on this work trip, he's single, the same girl might be there or a different girl, and he's perfectly free to hook up again. And what if he decides he loves this girl and wants her to move to our town? It's compeltely nuts I know but I can't get it out of my mind. It's the helplessness. I cannot do anythign about it if he wants to sleep with another girl. He's not my bf anymore. I don't know what to do. Everytime I try not to think about it, I think about it twice as hard. I was so close today to texting him sappy messages just so he'll know I'm still here but that sounds so pathetic, even in my weakened state, I knew better than to do that. I hate this. I don't deserve this sort of pain, no one does.

[helifreak]

Sorry, I feel for you. I recently decided to repeat the word eggnog to myself everytime I started to have these kind of thoughts.

 

I know its crazy, but its not as crazy as driving myself into the ground thinking about my ex being with someone else all the time!!

 

Ill let you know how it works for me!

[CrapAtNC]

...he's perfectly free to hook up again.

 

I struggled with this so much, thinking about my ex and what she might be up to with guys who maybe don't really care about her.

 

It's painful as you worry about it happening ... and therein lies the answer. You see, the greatest tool for overcoming the pain of a situation that we cannot change is simply to accept it. Once we accept that something we don't like could happen, we weaken its power over us, and the pain of desperately trying to find a way to stop it vanishes, as we no longer struggle for that.

 

You cannot change it, he has a right to do whatever he wants, so you have no choice but to do the best thing for you and accept it. He had lovers before you, as you did, and you must accept that this is no different.

 

And by accepting such circumstances, you will come accross as a much more together, much more mature, and much more desirable person.

 

Do it. It's easier than you think.

[tsarevnaelena]

Thanks, both of you. I think the additional angst comes from the fact that he broke up with me two days after coming from a similar work-related trip and part of me wonders if he saw the girl or just saw some attractive girl and realized that having a gf meant that he couldn't hook up with others, or at least he couldn't do it with a clear conscience. But CrapatNC, you're right. I need to accept the things I cannot change, isn't that partly how that prayer goes? I'm going to work on it. It sucks - a cute, nice guy asked me out today and instead of getting excited about a date, I'm angsting alone in my apartment over sex my EX boyfriend may or may not be having. I feel like a pathetic loser. I know I'm not one, but I feel like one.

[tsarevnaelena]

He had lovers before you, as you did, and you must accept that this is no different.

 

 

Maybe TMI, but I lost my virginity to him, so I didn't really have lovers or even serious bfs. I'm sort of a late bloomer I'm sure the emotions of that are also tied in with how I am finding it hard to move on and accept the idea of him with another girl.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Even if he was still your boyfriend, you would never know what he is getting up to on his business trips. You can't ruin your life worrying about what he may or may not be doing. You have no control over that and wouldn't even if you were still his girlfriend. If he just wants random hookups then he is not relationship material.

[CrapAtNC]

We all feel like that, but that prayer is popular for the simple reason that it works. Change what you can, and accept what you can't; it's a great mantra.

 

I just remind myself that I've had far more lovers than my ex, that I remember not even one particular intimate body part, that the sex I had does not dwell in my mind, so why should I worry about what she may do when it will just be in the past should we ever get back together.

 

Did that make any sense?

 

I think about how heartbroken I was when other exes started moving on with new boyfriends, but now it means absolutely nothing to me. Nothing. I'll be OK again, and so will you, and knowing that their new loves will mean nothing in the future helps me see how little I should concern myself with them now.

 

It will always hurt a little, but then so does life. We just have to be careful to accept our feelings but not let them rule how we live in the moment.

[CrapAtNC]

Maybe TMI, but I lost my virginity to him, so I didn't really have lovers or even serious bfs. I'm sort of a late bloomer I'm sure the emotions of that are also tied in with how I am finding it hard to move on and accept the idea of him with another girl.

 

OK, I agree that this would make things a little different.

 

My ex fiancee (long time ago - not the reason I come to this forum) had no lovers before me. And you know what, that's one of the reasons why she left, as did my first serious girlfriend. They both realised that they needed to experience more in life before they could be certain that this relationship was the one for them. It wasn't.

 

You are in a great position now to explore other avenues without creating upheaval. See the positive side of where you're at right now.

[rokston]

Accepting is the way forward!!

 

My break up was 7/8 months ago. Until recently my ex denied being with anyone all this time and it plagued my mind every time I knew she was going out etc.. Usual story - sleepless nights, anxious days etc.

 

But then recently she admitted that she has been with other people. It hurts. But at the same time it's ok now, I guess because in a way I know there is nothing more she can do... Weird huh

[cnflctd]

Maybe TMI, but I lost my virginity to him, so I didn't really have lovers or even serious bfs. I'm sort of a late bloomer I'm sure the emotions of that are also tied in with how I am finding it hard to move on and accept the idea of him with another girl.

 

I understand how you feel. My ex had been with several people before we got together. She was my first. At times I know this bothered both of us. I think she wondered if this was a reason why I was so attached to her, and I was sometimes bothered by the fact she had been with others. Now I wonder if I will hesitate if the time comes to be with someone else physically and if she will have far fewer qualms about it since she had been with others before me.

 

Maybe oddly, one thing that sort of eases my mind is that I know I will love her even if she is with someone else while we are apart. I know I love her despite anything she could have done before we were together, most of which I know little or nothing about. Sure it has bothered me at times, but it is nothing compared to my love for her. Neither would be anything she could do when we were apart. (Within reason I guess )

[Crows]

Try going out for coffee, your ex flirting with you etc then when she had to go saying "i have to go make dinner for us" meaning the new guy shes living with and seeing her walk down the street to her new apartment. ugh