Being single because of being unhappy, being unhappy because of being single.

[ilovepoemsalot]

I hear a lot of people make topics saying they've never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before, and that this makes them feel really unhappy in life.

 

Then usually someone will post saying that you need to be happy in life first and then you will be able to attract someone, and that you shouldn't depend on others for happiness.

 

I don't agree with this, I mean, surely it's natural to feel deeply unhappy if you're remaining single into your 20's or 30's and you're still a virgin and everything? Or is that not true?

[ilovepoemsalot]

Of course it's true. And it's perfectly natural to feel unhappy over such a thing. Humans were designed for companionship.

 

But I think what they mean is that by being unhappy, you'll only perpetuate your singleness even longer. So it's a dangerous cycle. You are unhappy because you're single, but that very unhappiness will continue to bring you more of what you don't want.

 

That's true. But it is a little irratating to hear them say that you shouldn't rely on other people to feel happy, as though you shouldn't be feeling unhappy or something.

[itsallgrand]

You have valid points. And I can understand how it could get irritating. I've had my share of relationships and pseudo-relationships, but am single now, and I have seen and heard "You need to be happy in life first" probably a thousand times.

 

I get that it can be irritating to hear, because it may seem like the person is ignoring what is bugging you. Feeling frustrated at not getting what you want - a girlfriend or bf! And wanting that is a valid want. It's not superficial.

 

I've been thinking about this lately because this is the first time I have gone without "a guy" for an extended period of time of my own choice. No sex, and believe me, it doesn't get easier to go without that or companionship after you have had it!

 

But I do remember when I was the girl who waited to find the right boyfriend. The girl who waited, frustrated, to be with the right person before having sex. And seeing my female friends all around me finding and doing first.

 

I think before you have experienced it, it is harder. It's harder because you don't realize (through experiencing it) that once it happens...life goes on, the same problems that are here now remain, life doesn't get easier it gets more complicated, and at some point you are faced with....And Now What? What do I do now?

Being with someone just isn't going to make you happy. It can help, or not, but it's not THE thing.

 

I guess the point is: There is always going to be something you want/need that you aren't getting. It's pretty rare to have it all for longer than a short little while! That's life, that's normal, and it's no reason to not be happy.

 

So I understand why people say (and I've said it myself) to like your life single and love your life first. That that is the time other love will find you in the form of a partner. And I've had it happen before. Usually right when you decide to get off your duff and do your own thing, and get really happy with what you have to the point of wondering if you even want to give it up some things to be with someone!...that's when a great person rolls into your life. Doh and whoa.

 

So, I don't think it is natural or unnatural to feel deeply unhappy when not with someone. I think it's human. And it's a choice. It's not like that for everyone, and it doesn't have to make a person unhappy.

And probably, in the scale of All things going great and things all going hard...it's just one more thing.

 

This is a novel, but here you go! lol.

[Dating Coach]

I hear a lot of people make topics saying they've never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before, and that this makes them feel really unhappy in life.

 

Then usually someone will post saying that you need to be happy in life first and then you will be able to attract someone, and that you shouldn't depend on others for happiness.

 

I don't agree with this, I mean, surely it's natural to feel deeply unhappy if you're remaining single into your 20's or 30's and you're still a virgin and everything? Or is that not true?

 

If you're basing your happiness on whether or not you have a relationship then you are not in the right mindset to optimize your chances of finding a successful relationship. This is because you are not in a healthy independent adult mindset. You're more like a child without his mother. You desperately need the person there in order to feel comfortable. We're supposed to get out of that stage of thinking as we grow older, not continue on with this desperate need to have someone there.

 

Can you find someone while in this mindset? Yes, it can happen. Rarely, but possible. But what's even more unlikely is that you will have a real adult successful relationship while in this mindset... as you will be very clingy and needy with the person.

 

In order to optimize your chances of having a successful relationship or even to be a successful dater, you need to have a strong core. You need to be happy with yourself and whom you are. Because this is what attracts other people to you. They have to see you as attractive. How are they going to do this if you show them that you're unhappy with yourself, that you're desperate for attention, that you can be needy and clingy, etc?

 

So if you can't find a way to be happy and content with yourself... then it's an uphill battle.

[Dating Coach]

Let them say what they want. They're entitled to have their opinion. Just as we are entitled to disagree.

 

I cannot fathom how anyone could be perfectly content without a mate, seeing as how it runs contrary to basic human design and instinct, but to each his or her own. I wouldn't worry about what they think. Live and let live.

 

Being perfectly content to live life along is a different matter than we are talking about, I think. We all (well most of us) want and need someone there. Simply being happy with whom you are in life, and going around taking care of yourself without putting so much focus on finding someone-anyone!-to be with us while feeling like a piece of dirt for being single is a different matter entirely.

[Dating Coach]

Wow! Well said! The PERFECT answer! Bravo!

[ilovepoemsalot]

If you're basing your happiness on whether or not you have a relationship then you are not in the right mindset to optimize your chances of finding a successful relationship. This is because you are not in a healthy independent adult mindset. You're more like a child without his mother. You desperately need the person there in order to feel comfortable. We're supposed to get out of that stage of thinking as we grow older, not continue on with this desperate need to have someone there.

 

So it's not natural to feel unhappy in life if you're always remaining single?

 

If you're just talking about someone who can find flings and relationships, but they're unhappy in life just because they've been single for a month, then I'd agree with what you're saying there

 

In order to optimize your chances of having a successful relationship or even to be a successful dater, you need to have a strong core. You need to be happy with yourself and whom you are. Because this is what attracts other people to you. They have to see you as attractive. How are they going to do this if you show them that you're unhappy with yourself, that you're desperate for attention, that you can be needy and clingy, etc?

 

So if you can't find a way to be happy and content with yourself... then it's an uphill battle.

 

I don't think anyone has mentioned being unhappy with their self. I know that I like myself anyway.

[love4life]

My post is slightly off-topic, but still relevant...

 

The thing that bothers me is when people who complain don't do anything to change their situation - and this goes for more than just finding someone to be with.

 

I think that if you're so miserable alone, then find ways to meet people. I can't tell you how many people I've met who complain about being alone but refuse, for example, to set up an online profile because they think it looks desperate or creepy or something. Nor do they go out and try new things, like take classes that interest them, join a local sports team, etc. I find these people just want someone else to "fix it" for them. Umm...Not going to happen! If you want something, go after it!

[ilovepoemsalot]

My post is slightly off-topic, but still relevant...

 

The thing that bothers me is when people who complain don't do anything to change their situation - and this goes for more than just finding someone to be with.

 

I think that if you're so miserable alone, then find ways to meet people. I can't tell you how many people I've met who complain about being alone but refuse, for example, to set up an online profile because they think it looks desperate or creepy or something. Nor do they go out and try new things, like take classes that interest them, join a local sports team, etc. I find these people just want someone else to "fix it" for them. Umm...Not going to happen! If you want something, go after it!

 

I know what you're saying, but it is hard to make the change, especially especially if you find it too hard to believe that it'll make any difference. And with some people there are all sorts of problems in the way.

 

I think the people who make these topics are mainly getting things of their chest, it's what I always used to do too, it drove people crazy, lol.

[love4life]

I know what you're saying, but it is hard to make the change, especially especially if you find it too hard to believe that it'll make any difference. And with some people there are all sorts of problems in the way.

 

I think the people who make these topics are mainly getting things of their chest, it's what I always used to do too, it drove people crazy, lol.

 

Oh yeah! I'm guilty of posting rants, too! And then you feel silly because the feeling passes almost as quickly as it hit; and yet, those are the threads that generate the most involved and concerned responses.

[ghost69]

i've never worried about finding a girl. i just enjoy my friends and have a good time. if a girl happens to be there and is attractive and has a great personality, awesome. i'll talk to her. if i was to try and pity myself and worry too much, i'd be in a world of pain and darkness. you can't live like that. sure 1 is the loneliest number, but it's also the best in races. once you do find a girl and what not, you will realize how much fun single was. lol

[Dating Coach]

i've never worried about finding a girl. i just enjoy my friends and have a good time. if a girl happens to be there and is attractive and has a great personality, awesome. i'll talk to her. if i was to try and pity myself and worry too much, i'd be in a world of pain and darkness. you can't live like that. sure 1 is the loneliest number, but it's also the best in races. once you do find a girl and what not, you will realize how much fun single was. lol

 

This is the answer to the last question you made me ilovepoemsalot. Of course it's normal to feel lonely and unhappy if you are all by yourself, but if you are focusing on your unhappiness then that negativity will only make you less attractive. ghost has the right answer here. Quit focusing on the lonliness and the unhappiness. Start enjoying yourself, your friends, etc and get your butt out there. If you are focusing on yourself and having a good time when you can, this will make it much easier to suddenly have someone fall on your lap.

 

Of course, you still need to make the moves when it happens.

[stranded247]

Yeah I hate this saying.

For example, I am single but I am happy but I also really want a boyfriend (there is a person I have in mind lol) but I dont spend my whole time thinking about being single, I have loads of other things going on in my life and I'm genuinly happy these days but still I remain single. Although about a month ago I said to myself, "wow I dont want a boyfriend" and all of a sudden within the next three weeks I received more male interest than I had in a whole year. I swear its always when ur not looking! What if your happy and your looking? Do you ever get someone?

[love4life]

Yeah I hate this saying.

For example, I am single but I am happy but I also really want a boyfriend (there is a person I have in mind lol) but I dont spend my whole time thinking about being single, I have loads of other things going on in my life and I'm genuinly happy these days but still I remain single. Although about a month ago I said to myself, "wow I dont want a boyfriend" and all of a sudden within the next three weeks I received more male interest than I had in a whole year. I swear its always when ur not looking! What if your happy and your looking? Do you ever get someone?

 

Yes. It's all in the approach. "Looking" does not mean you're desperate. Just means you're open to meeting new people and seeing how things develop.

[ilovepoemsalot]

This is the answer to the last question you made me ilovepoemsalot. Of course it's normal to feel lonely and unhappy if you are all by yourself, but if you are focusing on your unhappiness then that negativity will only make you less attractive. ghost has the right answer here. Quit focusing on the lonliness and the unhappiness. Start enjoying yourself, your friends, etc and get your butt out there. If you are focusing on yourself and having a good time when you can, this will make it much easier to suddenly have someone fall on your lap.

 

Of course, you still need to make the moves when it happens.

 

I used to focus on it a lot, and it made me miserable, or maybe I used to focus on it a lot because the situation made me really miserable, I dunno.

 

But I have found that whatever you do mainly focus on all the time effects the way you feel, you've just got to train your brain to let go of the negative thoughts and think about the good stuff, and eventually it does start to work.

 

I've found when you aren't thinking about your problems anymore, and just focusing on things that make you happy, it can be really good for your well being and make you feel happier in life, the world you're in ends up feeling like a much nicer place.

[ilovepoemsalot]

What if your happy and your looking? Do you ever get someone?

 

Is that a question to me? If it is then no, I never get anyone ever no matter what I think or feel.

[ghost69]

when you go out to meet new people and you are already thinking 'i'm not going to find a gf,' you are already set up for failure. sure you go out and have fun. plenty of weekends, etc. when i don't meet a girl. so what. i still had fun with my friends. and you know what, i've actually been approached before by a girl saying 'saw you here last week/month'. you know why they noticed? cause i wasn't paying attention to them and i was still having a good time. i don't need another person to make myself feel good. i feel good enough as myself for that. sure, someone else would be better. sometimes that's not the case though. so don't punish yourself so much.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Thanks, ghost.