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Confused and not as sad as I thought I'd be


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I'll start off with a little background information. We met through mutual friends, and eventually became friend's ourselves. Our main hang out spot was always our friend's apartment, where every weekend we'd either all (a big group of us always) hang around and play video games, or pick up the occasional drink and be merry. We got along very well very quickly, he made me feel very comfortable around him and always gave me lots of attention and sometimes after parties we'd snuggle and cuddle together until we fell asleep. First we only saw each other at our friend's apartment, then he started inviting me to hang out with him and other friends in his town (he lives about half an hour away).


I got along well with all of his friends, and we got closer and closer every day. Eventually we started playing online games together, talked online or on the phone everyday for atleast a little, then eventually he invited me to his house for a few days, where he asked me out and we decided to experiment with a relationship.


It went well for the first few weeks. I'd go over a few days at a time, since I had no car and friend's would drive me and eventually pick me up. We would sit around, relax, enjoy each other's company and do the occasional romance thing. The strange thing about it, was I was so very happy, but it didn't feel like a relationship to me. It just felt like we were great friends with a few perks. But he did consider me his girlfriend and I considered him my boyfriend etc etc.


Eventually it started going downhill, which I'd place the blame on neither of us having any money, cars, or not getting to spend enough time together alone, but also his immaturity. He started acting differently, teasing me mercilessly about anything (which was somewhat normal in our group of friends, but sometimes it was a bit much) and then one day I noticed him completely unemotional, very pissy, and didn't want to be touched at all. He was very standoffish all of a sudden.


So we went to another get together at the place we met, and I drank a little too much and got incredibly wasted. I started vomiting and crying to a good platonic male friend of mine and cried about how my sig other was being a douche and it was really hurting me, and he told me to talk to him about it, which I did. We went outside, me still drunk and weepy and I told him everything that was on my mind.


Then he decided it would be a great time to tell me that he has feelings for me, but not enough to want to continue a relationship with and that he loved being friend's with me but wasn't sure if he wanted to keep going at the moment. I wouldn't have it (I blame this on being drunk) and got really weepy and angry. I stormed off into the bathroom and just sat there crying for a good while. My platonic male friend comforted me more and then eventually the sig other came in and decided he couldn't leave me there like that, so I ended up back at his place for the next two days, so we could talk about things.


The first day, I woke up and was incredibly hung over and sick. I couldn't keep down water and constantly vomited and was so sick. He was very quiet and left me to sleep and relax. I eventually got up and we were alone for the first time in a long time. We sat around and watched tv, enjoyed each other's company (well I did, it seemed like he was enjoying mine too). That night we had sex (not for the first time mind you, we had done it constantly before) and then directly afterwards he felt it would be a good time to talk again. This time I was calm and collected, and I could understand where he came from, but I was somewhat detached from the whole conversation because I feared crying again, so I didn't really get to say much of what was on my mind. I got him to agree though to try it out for one more week, we should spend that week apart and have minimal contact, and then try again. He didn't seem to think that would help at all, but he would try.


The next day I hung out there again, we watched tv, I cooked some food, we relaxed. Eventually my friend's retrieved me and I returned home, only to be grief stricken by everything from the night before. How could he have sex with me then try to break up with me? How could he try to break up with someone who's obviously drunk? I decided to put everything I had felt in a message through myspace (since he doesn't use email and it's the only way I felt I could get everything out). He again said the same things and I decided it would be best just to end it. I understood a bit better this time, you can't force people to suddenly have feelings for you, but he said over and over again that he wanted to be friends again since we did have so much fun as friends, and we really did connect at a good level.


The only problem is, the next day, we played our online game like usual, and it was back like old times. Then it's been a week since then, and I haven't heard as much as a peep out of him. It could be he's trying to sort out his feelings, but I don't want to give him that much credit, he could just not want to face me for a while, to fear that I may go weepy on him again.


But since that week of non-talking, I decided that it was best we remain friends. I still hurt inside, because I really fear that we're going to drift apart and never be good friend's again. The last time we talked in person we were still going out, and we broke up really online. I really want some closure on it, I want him to know that I want to be his friend, and that even though I still have feelings for him, I'll always be his friend first and foremost.


On his myspace, even though it's been about a week since we ended it, he hasn't changed his status or anything (and I found this peculiar since the day AFTER we started going out, he changed it to "In a relationship".


I just want to know what's going on in his head, but ever since I've been friend's with him, he's refused to let ANYONE get close to him. Even his closest friend's don't know what he's thinking or anything.


I've changed alot since I've started dating him, and he did too, I fear he may have some form of depression, but I don't want to get clingy all up in his business, or that may just get him to push me away even more.


I have however, planned to hang out in the town he lives with a mutual friend of our's and go over there and atleast try to show him that I want to be friend's. But if that doesn't work, I fear I may have to go NC and just let him simmer for a while.


I'm just so confused and I thought I'd hurt a lot more over this, but really, I did enjoy being friend's with him, much more then I enjoyed being his girlfriend.


So I need some advice on what's the right thing to do? I've stopped myself from calling him, stopped myself from messaging him, gone pretty much NC with him since he seems to have done that as well, but should I still go over there and try to get some closure? Or should I just stick through this and hurt inside until we eventually fade away as friends?

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If you're that much more comfortable as friends then that's probably all you should be. Just because you have gone out doesn't mean that everytime you have feelings for each other you should go back and forth between friends/ dating. You don't have to always define your status, if you just talk to him the next time you see him at your friend's, go from there, let whatever happens happen (within reason of course) then eventually it'll work itself out as to whether you'll be friends, dating, or something else.

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I'd like to congratulate you on wanting to be his friend. I read your post carefully, and because you two were such good friends before you started dating, I think there's a great chance you can be friends again.


Here's the thing: great friends don't stop being great friends because of a little time of separation. I can still pick up with my high school buddies, even if we haven't seen each other for months, or even years! I fear that, if you were to get in contact with him and to seek "closure," you could do even more damage to your relationship. Furthermore, I'm not sure what "closure" he could give you, other than to go through the process of breaking up with you again! That would just hurt you more, and it would leave a very bad taste in his mouth.


It sounds like you do have some issues that need to be addressed, namely his teasing of you (if it hurts you, it's a problem, even if it's "just teasing"), perhaps his emotional issues, and of course the left-over issues from the break-up. It would be good to talk about that stuff, but not until you feel absolutely no emotional reaction toward it.


Here's my advice: cool off over the holidays. Spend time with family, spend time with friends, go out and get drunk and have a great time. In January, check in with how you're doing. If you can think about things such as him having sex with other women WITHOUT an emotional reaction, then you're ready to be his frien to the fullest. If you're still feeling confused or anxious, wait longer. Keep checking in with yourself at regular intervals, and take as long as you need. If you're really compatible as friends, a time of being in no contact or very low contact will not hurt your potential to be great friends. On the contrary, because you'll be approaching the friendship in an emotionally healthy way, you have an even better chance of success.


Good luck and happy holidays!



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