Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Alright, I had an absolutely wonderful relationship with this girl for over a year, and for some reason last month she broke up with me. I could kind of see that things were starting to fade between us for some reason because she started acting weird around me like she wasn't supposed to touch me and stuff, but I couldn't understand why. I've known since I started going out with her that she likes to cut herself when she's angry, upset, or if she thinks she made someone upset. She's been doing it since middle school, and she says she does it to "relieve the pain" and "take the burden off (her) shoulders." She used to not be able to cry and she would resort to cutting herself instead of trying to cry. Then I came into her life and she softened up a little bit and eventually cried right in front of me which she was so happy about. She comes from a divorced family, lives with her mom and sees her dad every so often, but she hates her dad. She has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, and she never wants to be like her parents: she wants to marry only once in her life, and she wants to 'know' that the person she marries will be the one. Well after our one year anniversary (last month), she started acting really strange. Finally she broke up with me because she said she had to have some space and find out who she is. I was devastated, and didn't realize it 'till the next day when I couldn't stop crying for hours. I broke all the capilary veins under my eyes and burst a few veins on my forehead from that. Blah blah, the week went on and i was still very depressed about it, and then we went out and did homework one night, and she told me that she needs the option to date other people, and that she has liked some other guy for like a month now. I was shocked, and she told me she didn't want to tell me about it because I'd get upset. Well I was and still am extremely upset. The next week, they had a date on the night I was wanted to take her out for her birthday, and the next day she says to me "I want to tell you this before anyone else does...I kissed him." Ok, so you get the picture of what's going on there. Well I got fed up with everything and said we shouldn't talk to each other for a long time and that would give her some space and help the both of us, and the next day she "attempted" to commit suicide twice. She cut herself on her wrists and tried to cut very deep, but "the knife wasn't sharp enough." Apparently I still mean alot to her, which is a surprise to me, and to not have me in her life is why she "attempted" that. Well, she's now actively dating this other guy, and she's really being a b*tch to me about everything: I try to tell her how I feel, and she gets upset and feels guilty because I can't be happy for the decision she made, which in turn makes me upset and then I feel guilty. A week or two ago, I sent her an e-mail with some of my feelings, and she instant messaged me and said "ok, ask me anything you want and i'll be blunt." So I asked her if she'll ever get serious with this guy and she said "yes, not yet, but yes," but she still tells me she loves me and he'll never replace me. I finally told my parents about her cutting problem and about what she's done to me and I told them to tell her mom, which they did. She's supposed to be seeing a therapist eventually, but isn't right now. Her getting right back into a serious relationship after breaking up with me for "space" and everything she's doing to me is a huge f*cking slap in the face, and it's a huge insult to our friendship, our relationship, our love for each other, and most importantly me. She expects me to be her best friend through all of this, and says "we'll be fine" like we're going to get back together in the future. She has completely changed from the person I used to know. I have no feelings for the cold, lying, selfish woman she has turned in to, but I still love that girl I used to know with all of my heart. It's like she's a completely different person. It was a flawless relationship that we shared for over a year with unconditional love, and now it's ruined. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for over a month now and I'm really sick of it. I'm starting to move on, but the feeling hasn't left me that she really is the one for me even after all the crap she's done. Honestly, with all this recent mess aside, she's changed my life (for the better), and the person she used to be is my ideal woman: she has an attractive personality, a sweet smile that shines throughout her entire face, she shares the same interests and laughs at the things i laugh at, we get along very well and compromise things to help each other, she shares the same morals, and has an attractive body as well. Right now, I'm giving her all the space she wants, and I haven't told her how I've felt lately (pissed off), but what she's doing to me is a huge slap in the face and is VERY insulting to me. My father and many many other adults I've consulted have all told me to forget about her. What happened, and will she ever change? Any comments or suggestions would be helpful, and if you have any questions to ask me I'll be glad to respond.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello there,


I understand you had a recent break up and you are still hurting from it. I also understand that the girl who broke up with you is being confusing and is hurting you.


First of all, I'd like to talk about the cutting problem. If she is seriously doing this, then she needs to get help NOW and not wait. As soon as her mom found out about it, she should have been making an appointment for therapy. And the attempt at suicide should have been a red flag to her mother...which brings me to a thought. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the suicide was just a desperate and manipulative attempt to keep you in her life? Consider this for a minute and think that this may be a way for her to keep you on the back burner. It's wrong and hard to accept, but just think of it as a possibility.


Secondly, this guy sounds like a rebound relationship. While rebound relationships can turn into something more, it is a rarity. I can imagine how much it hurt for her to jump into a relationship with this guy right after your break up. However, I'd also like to point out that she mentioned she's liked him for at least a month. Perhaps you need to sit down and reassess what you see as a "perfect" relationship, because from what you've told us, I think she may see it differently.


I do believe your ex loved you, but I think that she believed that the love she felt wasn't enough to overcome whatever SHE saw was wrong or lacking in your relationship. Perhaps during the time that things went downhill for her, she found this new guy, I don't know though...it's just speculation. I suggest you consider that maybe one of the reasons she is behaving the way she is to you is because she still loves you and feels guilty for hurting you. However, at the same time that she feels guilty, she feels angry at you because she sees you as the cause.


I suggest you give her space, cut off contact with her and let go. I know she may seem like the one for you, and she may be, but she has to come back to you. If you keep chasing her, she'll continue to run and get farther away. I've been in your ex's shoes, and if she decides she wants to be with you, she will come back. THEN it is up to you to decide if you still want her. But for now, I suggest to try and move on and let go. She has a lot of issues to deal with before she should get serious again with anyone.


Best wishes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't help with the pain that you are going through right now. This one seems like she has some real emotional problems with the self mutilation and all. The person you fell in love with is no more. You have to move on and get the healing process started. It sucks that she did this to you and I thing we all can relate here. She is not worth the pain that she is causing you. There is one thing that we all sometimes forget when we are in love with someone. That is we have to do what makes us happy and that is not happening anymore for you. She hurt you and these things happen. Sorry you are hurting!

First thing is to leave her alone and cut off all contact with her. Second is for you to take some time to yourself and rediscover who you are. Learn what you want from life and dreams you have. I always use my past as a learning tool. I think about what happened and what I did that I might have done differently. Finally, you have to forgive her and yourself for everything that has happened. This doesn't mean that you have to tell her and it doesn't mean that you should talk to her ever again. It means that there is no resentment and that you can say without a doubt in your mind that you tried to do everything possible to save the relationship. She sounds like she is very young and she has a lot of growing up to do.


As far as the cutting thing you did your part by telling her mom and it is not your concern anymore.


You did the right thing as far as I can see.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your reply! I see your points and really I appreciate your feedback. One thing I would like to say though is that she didn't break up with me because of me, and she made that very clear. I don't think she really knows why she broke up with me entirely, but she knows it's not my fault and swears by it. She thinks that alot of what happened is because of her dad and the way he treated her mom (i see her doing the same things to me as her dad did to her mom). I'm giving her the space she wants though, and I am letting go. If she ever does realize that she wants to be with me, she's going to have to prove it. She's a woman of mere words and rarely action, and most of the time she'll say what you want to hear so it will take some convincing to believe her. For now it's probably best, like you said, that I move on. Btw, her mom is really concerned about her cutting herself, and is seeking a therapist for her but so far everything has been way too expensive and not covered on their insurance (not the richest family in the world). Thanks for your input.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...