Beating myself up

[havefaith]

I don't know what I'm looking to gain from this, maybe someone has insight. A lot of you know my story by now I think...

 

My boyfriend and I were such a happy couple, we had 2 incredible years, I fell in love hard but we were that independent couple that had our own lives and made each other better and stronger. Our freshman year of college was LDR and we made it through with little to no problems, other than missing each other very much. We never ever questioned not being together... we only grew in our love.

 

When we went back to our hometown for the summer, everything got out of hand. Things changed. I missed him so much that year, I just wanted to spend all my time with him. Combine that fact with going through a hard time with my normally happy family and this spells disaster.

 

I know it takes two to tango, and he is not blameless, but I pushed him, and I was searching for something from him I don't even know what. I started to question what he was doing and ask him why he didn't talk more about our future and marriage which I regret with every fiber of me because it couldn't further from who I am. It kills me because he was so crazy about me and what did I do? I pushed. I pushed and I know it was a time of need but I can't get over it.

 

I pushed until he became unsure and our dynamic changed and it wasn't until he was not feeling like himself anymore that I woke up and not only realized how I was in this relationship but who I was becoming in general. This was 4 months ago. Since then, I have learned so much about myself, and this is my first relationship.

 

I really scared him big time and things haven't been the same, but mostly because we agreed to "start over" and go very slowly. I have been giving him all the space in the world which I am really enjoying now. I like to be alone and have my own life, it makes me appreciate him more.

 

We haven't said I love you since that rocky time 4 months ago. I don't know if I mentioned it but this all came to head on the first day of the semester (we are now at the same college). He does a lot of intiating and treats me like gold a lot of the time, especially for my early birthday celebration this past weekend.

 

We are going home for Christmas break in a few days and I plan to show him all of the things I have been thinking about how I should have acted this summer. That means not questioning who is he with, giving him all his space, etc. I really can't wait to prove to him that I have really undergone the change I claim to have, and to prove it to myself.

 

I just sometimes get these bad feelings that we can't get all the way back from the bad that has separated us. I know all I can do is live and learn... I just wonder what this xmas break at home will bring. It will be our first time home since school started. He acts like he loves me, he does a lot of wonderful things for me and intiates, calls, we still have great chemistry, etc. Still, he does seem hesitant, and I can't blame him ... I was really not myself. 4 months ago he was afraid that our true "dynamic" was coming out. I just hope he can trust me again, and I can trust him, especially after this break and going back to the way things should have always remained between us - happy, independent and full of faith.

 

Any thoughts would be great. If not, that felt good to get out.