Want to break NC - 94 days

[BigTex]

I was hoping to get some positive encouragement here to do the right thing. Brief history: she and I were together for 8 years. She ended things this summer. There was no fighting, no meaningful discussion, just her walking away. The last time that we spoke was mid-September. No e-mails, no text messages, no letters, no information at all since then. I was talking with a friend last night and she asked me about what had happened. I gave her a lot of detail, explaining the good and bad in the relationship, what I've learned about myself in the time away, why I don't think that it worked, etc. Then last night, I dreamt about the ex in vivid detail. We were hanging out, laughing, having fun. I went to bed last night thinking that I was finally past her, and woke up this morning realizing that I still love her very much. The phone call in September was one that she initiated, but I shut down the conversation when she wouldn't talk about us, her feelings, or the breakup. My head tells me to keep going, but my heart aches for her terribly. I keep envisioning the likely results of breaking NC, but my heart is telling me to call her. Any thoughts and advice are appreciated.

[-BK-]

BigTex,

 

You have the answer, and you typed it in your post. You obviously had a setback and that makes it hard. A vivid dream like that (I've had a few) makes the whole next day hard to deal with. BUT, you said you woke up realizing that you still love her. That, in combination with the fact that she didn't want to talk about the past, makes it a bad situation for you. This dream may be a little setback, but talking to her and realizing she still doesn't want to talk about the past would be a BIG setback. Don't do that to yourself. The holidays, the dream, and the length of your relationship make it hard... but don't make it harder by giving in.

[lizer]

i have a really hard time taking advice from anyone

who hasnt been reconciled to the person they love deeply.

 

 

people here dont have much except their OWN personal past experiences to base their advice off of, and we all know each situation and each person is a whole new ballgame. its sort of akin to the blind leading the blind, no?

 

instead of that happening, maybe you should follow your heart.

and with that i'd like to ask you if it was only this dream that 'sparked'

those feelings in you. had you previously throughout your time apart felt this love for her that you describe? or did the dream just sorta jumpstart you.

i think you need to take that into consideration.

also, if in a few days you still feel the intense desire to call her or contact her, then do it. and dont let anyone else tell you otherwise. you are a man and you can make your own decisions.

[escritoramel]

..........

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I also strongly disagree with this...you can't always go with what your heart says...you have to look at the facts. The fact of the matter is she broke up with him and in September when she called she didn't want to talk about the relationship. She already knows that he didn't want the relationship to end, she already knows that he wanted to talk about things...but she wasn't interested. Now it is up to her to make a move if there is to be any reconciliation. The dream already set him back...calling her and finding out that she still doesn't want to renew the relationship or talk about it will set him back even further.

[lizer]

i think a lot of people here are trying to 'protect' themselves too much.

sometimes it takes putting yourself out there to see change and if nothing else, you at least know you put forth the effort. if that brings pain afterward, so be it. but you cant go through life protecting yourself from possible 'harm'. take risks. be bold. but be smart with it. he can do whatever he wants, but 90% of the advice here is "DONT DO IT AGHHHH YOU"LL GET DISSED AND YOU"LL HATE YOURSELF AND YOU"LL HAVE TO START YOUR HEALING ALL OVER AGAIN AGHHHHHH WATCH OUTTTTT".... i mean geez, life needs to have a bit more girth to it than sitting back and 'playing it safe'..

i will agree that i think the dumper should initiate contact. but dont bring down a man who wants to express himself to the lady he loves. who cares if he gets shot down. he took the chance. he was a man. the world needs more of those. and less weiners.

[beebee]

i like your attitude lizer... also your fiestiness (sp)... lol...

 

you go girl!... (or guy)... oops...

 

hugs... beebee

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are times when it is good to take chances and times when it is not good. You have to use your head about these things and not just put your heart out there when the other person has already made it crystal clear that they don't want your heart, and they haven't made any effort to show that they have changed their mind.

[BigTex]

The fact of the matter is she broke up with him and in September when she called she didn't want to talk about the relationship. She already knows that he didn't want the relationship to end, she already knows that he wanted to talk about things...but she wasn't interested. Now it is up to her to make a move if there is to be any reconciliation.

 

I spent the evening with a friend and didn't call or contact her. This statement from crazyaboutdogs rings true with me today. She walked away. I repeatedly let her know that I was willing to talk and work on us. I put my heart back out there 1 month, 2 months, and 3 months after the split. She never reciprocated. I can't force her back to me and further contact won't tell her anything new. I've just got to keep moving on. The holidays are really tough. I appreciate the replies from everyone.

[ruserious]

but you cant go through life protecting yourself from possible 'harm'. take risks. be bold. but be smart with it. he can do whatever he wants, but 90% of the advice here is "DONT DO IT AGHHHH YOU"LL GET DISSED AND YOU"LL HATE YOURSELF AND YOU"LL HAVE TO START YOUR HEALING ALL OVER AGAIN AGHHHHHH WATCH OUTTTTT".... i mean geez, life needs to have a bit more girth to it than sitting back and 'playing it safe'..

i will agree that i think the dumper should initiate contact. but dont bring down a man who wants to express himself to the lady he loves. who cares if he gets shot down. he took the chance. he was a man. the world needs more of those. and less weiners.

 

OK, he's not trying Sushi for the first time!

 

I got left by my woman. I had balls. I took the chance, I told her how I felt. She came back, we were dating again. Then I found out she had been sleeping with another guy, behind my back for 2 months. Now I know why she wouldn't have sex with me. Then she wanted to be friends!

 

What Big Tex is trying to avoid, is losing his self-respect. If he appears needy. That is a deal breaker for a woman. She will lose any attraction to him.

She left him. That means the burden of apologizing, rebuilding or reconciliation is on her.

 

I know from my experience, I made this mistake. I don't know ur ex though. Personally, I won't let an ex(who left me) back into my life romantically again, until she is hopping back into my bed or moving back in.

 

Everyone knows part of the point of NC, is to let the dumper feel the pain of their decision to cut you out of their life.

 

Even if she apologizes, for me that would not be good enough. I would thank her, then go back to NC. Especially, if she is immature.

 

I have seen guys go straight into NC after a break-up. No yelling no nothing. Then watched their ex's come back and apologize and talk of getting back together. Then the guy would think, "great! she realized she was wrong"

WRONG BUDDY!

The ex was only testing you, to see how easy you would be or easing their guilt. Then the guy would just be more heart broken than before. I've been there.

 

my .02

[bustertypsy]

I feel for you,as a guy who is 70 days into NC I can associate with you.You are temporarily in a situation where your heart is trying to overrule your head.It is at times like this when you have to be mostly on your guard.The amount of times I was feeling so much pain,I came close to picking up the phone,thinking I could make all the pain go away.I am so glad I didn't,I never thought about the flip side of the coin.The rejection! I just knew that I couldn't even contemplate the thought of having to start the grieving process all over again.

 

This is my logic on the situation.If she ended the relationship,she made the decision to walk away.She quit,didn't want to continue the affair.93 days later she is in either of these places.She is getting on with life happy in the knowledge that she did the right thing,or she is deeply regretting the fact that she ended things.So if she is happy she made the right decision,you are throwing away 94 days just to inform her that you are still a mere morsel of a person without her.You are showing how weak you are.She won't take you back,full stop.

 

If she is missing you then by making the first move you are allowing her back without her having to do a thing.You are also giving her the power to think that she can rule supreme in the relationship.Why not,she knows you will do ANYTHING to be with her.Not a good grounds for a reconciliation!?

 

Your best and only option is to let her come to you(if she wants you back)

Be certain of one thing,if she really wants you she will make the move.Whatever little sign she may give,she will do something.Then and only then are you in a position where you can come together,equally,not simply on her terms.This is so important,I can't stress it enough.Even to chase her and get her back means you will do anything just to be with her.You will be walking on eggshells,wondering if she is going to drop you again,because you had a row,disagreement etc.This is no way to conduct a relationship.

I hope you see my point on things.Don't contact her,if she wants you,she will come for you,for sure!!

[delerium6]

I'm inclined to say 'stay NC', but I can see lizer's point as well.

 

I would've actually said to consider contacting her. It was an 8-year relationship, after all. Not a summer fling. After giving that many years to someone, it's normal (and not weak, pathetic, needy, etc.) to still have some lingering feelings and to find out if reconciliation is possible.

 

Why I'm hesitant to suggest a contact is because BigTex has tried to measure her thoughts at 1, 2 and 3 months after the breakup, as well as not getting a positive reply in September either. If this was your first heart-to-heart with her after the breakup, I could see contacting her in order to finally get those "What Ifs" out of the back of your head. Although given you've already attempted a few times, it might not be the best idea.