My wife wants to seperate my family

[michaelc427]

Hi, My wife and I got marrried 5 months ago, 6 weeks later my mother died. My wife was never close to any part of my family(or hers for that matter) and admitted to being jealous of my families closeness. Since my mother died my wife has displayed unreasonable nasty behavior toward my sister that lives in the same city we do, she doesn't seem to have an issue with my sister that is out of town. My wife has requested that I only take phone calls or call my sister(even if its an emergency) between 9am and 5pm from my sister that lives here because any other time is "OUR" time. I agreed to this only to show her how unreasonable she is being seeing as how my sister rarely calls after 5pm in the first place! For christmas I suggested getting my sisters webcams so that they can speak to each other (other sister lives 4 hours away) and my wife said no because it would be rude to my sisters husband to have his wife on the phone with her sister. From my perspective, my wife was rude to my sister that lives here first, and my sister, i'm sure in retaliation was rude on a later occasion, but is now trying to be nice to my wife, and my wife, when in her company is cordial. But when we are alone my wife has on numerous time occasions said that she hates my sister that lives here, and calls her various names and has a running discussion about my sister with her co-workers. I don't appreciate an of this and it is causing me to be more distant toward my wife as I was not aware of this nasty side of her personality before we got married(we dated for 3 years). My wife and I have had our own issues since getting married and are currently in counseling but the issue with my sister is certainly one of the red flag issues with us and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Our counseler is trying to get us to work on our communication skills rather than address specific hot button issues. Please give me some opinions or advice or comments on this subject, I would appreciate any input you guys may have

[southerngirl]

Get your sisters the webcams, this is an inexpensive gift and a great idea!!!!

 

Tell your wife to get over it!

 

Do not give into her controlling behavior!

 

One of the common red flags of an abuser is seperating that person from their support system!

 

Hold your family close to you.

 

To me this would be a dealbreaker. I love my family. The ones that I am close to, and no one ever is going to stop that love.

 

She is out of line here, I am sorry if this sounds so harsh.

 

The more you allow her to do this, the worse it is going to get.

[Pegasus]

OMG...why did you marry her in the first place? You're married for such a short time and already seeing counceler?

[southerngirl]

Seafarer brings up a good point. Was there something that happened that started all this?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Get your sisters the webcams, this is an inexpensive gift and a great idea!!!!

 

Tell your wife to get over it!

 

Do not give into her controlling behavior!

 

One of the common red flags of an abuser is seperating that person from their support system!

 

Hold your family close to you.

 

To me this would be a dealbreaker. I love my family. The ones that I am close to, and no one ever is going to stop that love.

 

She is out of line here, I am sorry if this sounds so harsh.

 

The more you allow her to do this, the worse it is going to get.

 

 

Yes, I agree with with this. Big red flag. She is trying to split you from your family. Considering that your mother just died, your wife is being awfully cold and unfeeling. I think you need to lay down the law here that your sister is important to you and you will not restrict the times that she can call etc.

[jtanner]

Be honest. Are your sisters "better-looking" then your wife? Do they have more going for themselves? Overall, are they happier then she is? That could cause her to become resentful towards them, because maybe they had something she never had?

[michaelc427]

My sister came over one day and asked to see our wedding photo alblum to select what pics she wanted copies of, my wife rudely responded "NO, what is it exactly that you want". My sister said don't worry about it, if you feel like sharing the wedding pics I'll be greatful for whatever pics you want me to have. 5 minutes later she got up and went home. Everything was down hill from there. Before this happened, my sister mailed her family a complete wedding alblum of the photos she took from the wedding. So I think my sister was hurt after she went thru considerable expense to attend our destination wedding and send her family a big photo alblum of pics taken from personal cameras.

[michaelc427]

no they are all attractive and successful people

[jtanner]

Yes, I agree with with this. Big red flag. She is trying to split you from your family. Considering that your mother just died, your wife is being awfully cold and unfeeling. I think you need to lay down the law here that your sister is important to you and you will not restrict the times that she can call etc.

 

I agree. They are all still grieving from losing their mother and his wife is being unreasonable. I think she is being very controlling and the OP shouldn't be putting up with her garbage. If there is anyone he needs right, it is his sisters, his family!

 

When we lost our grandpa, me and my family would sit for hours and reminisce on the good times, not ignore each other.

[handsdown]

I don't quite understand what she is thinking. It seems like jealous behavior but it's your sister. How did they get along before you were married?

 

How often and for how long were you talking to your sister on the phone before your wife put the guideline in place? Perhaps she is feeling upset because you are going to your sister to talk about the pain and grief from your mother's death instead of her. (I mean obviously your sister would have a lot more understanding, so of course you would go to her, nothing wrong with that, but it may be making your wife feel left out and disconnected from you)

 

I'm not saying her behavior is good, and I don't think you should follow those crazy guidelines she's put in place but you need to understand that your wife is now your family as well and she should feel included and should be the number one priority. Let her know this and maybe explain to her why it is important that you have a good relationship with your sister also. She doesn't understand this because she's never had it.

 

I am an only child and never understood the relationship between siblings, especially close ones. I get along with my boyfriend's sister really well but they aren't that close, I could see why she would feel threatened by the closeness your family may display. Maybe she is just lashing out with these absurd demands due to other problems in your marriage. Why are you seeking counselling? Did you have counselling before getting married? Did you live together before getting married?

[doyathink]

I bet your wife feels you are closer to your sisters then you are to her, and she is jealous. If it were me, I'd tell her she is acting childish, you love them all, and in no way are they a threat to her.

 

Does your sister come over and/or call everyday or something?

 

This sounds like when a newly married couple gets together and there are children. Sometimes the step parent gets jealous of their partners kids...

[michaelc427]

They were nice to each other before we got married, they weren’t not BFF’s but they were nice to each other.

 

I didn’t talk to my sister all that much before she tried this crap, that’s what I don’t understand, and I’m not underestimating, maybe 2 or 3 phone calls a week for 5 minutes tops, often when she wasn’t in the room, but if she would hear me on the phone she would demand to know who I was talking to, and if it was my sister that lives here suddenly she would go crazy and demand that I get off the phone, my sister could hear her acting crazy and would just say, I’ll talk to you later……..

 

Its been 3+ months since my mother passed, we are moving on with our lives but we are still family. And nothing is going to change that. I do understand that my wife is now my most important person, but she is also part of my family now also!

 

I cried to my wife, not my sisters. So I don’t know how my wife could think I’m not coming to her for support. I have tried over and over again to let her know that she is my priority but I am met with stupid #$%$ request like not taking phone calls from one particular sister after a certain time of day!!!!!!!!! Not Good!!!

 

I recognize that she never had it, and so does she, I would think that she would follow my lead in dealing with close family since she never had it a close family and doesn’t know how close family responds to situations!

 

We are in counseling because it is my opinion that we are arguing way to much, as I said in my original post, This is just 1 of the red flag issues. And we were in counseling before we got married. We were both under the impression that it was helping us and had us heading in the right direction.

 

No we didn’t live together before we got married.

[michaelc427]

no one sister lives 4 hours away and has been to our house 3 times, the other sister lives 10 minutes away and has been to our house 5 times, she doesn't feel welcomed so she doesn't try to come over anymore.

 

and the sister that lives 4 hours away, lately i have only been talking to her twice a week, the sister that lives here, i had been speaking to her maybe 3 times a week, because she has heard my wife acting crazy when she realizes that i am on the phone with her and so she just sends an email when she has something to say

[flower99]

Get your sisters the webcams, this is an inexpensive gift and a great idea!!!!

 

Tell your wife to get over it!

 

Do not give into her controlling behavior!

 

One of the common red flags of an abuser is seperating that person from their support system!

 

Hold your family close to you.

 

To me this would be a dealbreaker. I love my family. The ones that I am close to, and no one ever is going to stop that love.

 

She is out of line here, I am sorry if this sounds so harsh.

 

The more you allow her to do this, the worse it is going to get.

 

I agree.

Give your sister the camera. it's a nice & thoughtful gift.

And this issue should be brought up in your next meeting with the counsellor. Your wife is being unreasonable & honestly, quite cruel & insensitive. if there is ever a time to be understanding & put your issues aside it's after a family death. Your wife should be supportive & comforting right now, not just to you but to your sister as well. This really needs to be brought up in couselling. This issues has to be worked through & gotten to the route of before it gets worse & tears all the relationships close to you apart.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not good. If you were in counselling BEFORE the marriage then clearly there were big problems beforehand. Unless big issues get sorted out, they tend to follow you and get worse in the marriage. I can guess that your wife was controlling before marriage and now it is out in full force after. You are alienating your sisters because of this. I wonder if jealousy and controlling behaviour is the reason why she is not even close to members of her own family. She definitely has issues and I don't think you will do her or yourself any favours by caving in to her. If she wants to behave like this, she will end up losing her spouse in addition to having lost her family.

[RayKay]

Well, I have to say there must of been SOME signs before you married of her "ways" - not that that does any good now but this is a good lesson to others to not go through with a wedding hoping people will change. Someone does not turn into this overnight on the wedding night.

 

I think it is horrible that she is trying to separate you from family - one of my uncle's has a wife that did this. He was the youngest in family and my mother had practically raised him and she was so hurt by it. She cut him from not only his siblings and father (mother had died years before) but from his own CHILDREN (one's from his previous marriage) as she herself was not allowed to see her child (he had been taken away from her).

 

After many years he was fed up and would have no more of it so we see him now but the damage is still there and he has little contact with his own children (and by the way, she still controls everything and they have their own kids now which are little demons except when over at my mothers as they know "Auntie S" (my mum) won't let them be that way!).

 

All I can say is like this aunt in my family, your wife probably has serious jealousy, anger and control issues to try and divide a family - I am sure her own situation is not without some fault of her own. I highly, highly suggest you STAND your ground and not let her cut you off from your family this way - you WILL regret it and it will cause damage to those relationships forever.

 

And I hope this is one of those things you are addressing in counseling too.

[jtanner]

Are you "step-siblings" with your sister? I apologize for the question, but I had to ask.

 

I bet you there is some underlying "grudge" against your sister, because your "wife" probably takes things a little too personal. Is she a very sensitive person? Does she talk bad about your sister a lot?

 

I knew someone who cried every time a stranger or ANYONE gave her a funny look. Maybe your wife has an emotional problem?

[3boys]

IMO, your wife has some serious control issues and the longer you let it go on, the worse it is going to get. I could understand if you and your sister were talking for hours on end or if it was an everyday occurrence, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. If my husband told me that I couldn't talk to my family after our parents died, I'd tell him to go pound sand. Does she act like that with your other sister or just the one in town?

[michaelc427]

we are full blooded sibilings....

 

just the one in town, but in the past 3 months she has shown similar crazy behavior towards both of them, but she tends to be more pleaseant to the one that doesn't live in town.........., probably because she knows that one doesn't live in town...... i am trying to make sure i give this my 100% effort before we reach the point where i would tell her to "pound sand"....

[flower99]

i am trying to make sure i give this my 100% effort before we reach the point where i would tell her to "pound sand"....

 

Just curious what it is that you are giving 100% effort to doing?

there are so many approaches to this, and so many opions you can take....so just curious which one you're giving one 100% to.

[michaelc427]

100% meaning every ounce of effort I have to making this work. Meaning giving all that I can = 100% Thats what I mean!!!!!!!!!!

[flower99]

Well before saying 'pound the sand' than (: I think you need to stand your ground with your wife...not in a rude harsh way...but in a way that you clearly draw a line as to what your willing to sacrifice for her & what your not.(family is something you shouldn't have to & it's wrong of her to ask)

 

What she is doing to your sister & your relationship is just the beginning...And it's definietly unfair to you & uncalled for. (had your sister done something obnoxious, rude or out of line to deserve this..that's a different story, but from the sounds of it, she hasn't)

 

Stand your ground on what's acceptable. Because honestly putting any kind of 'rules' for you,a grown man & your sister....seems very controlling. And if you give her that inch, she will mostlikely take a mile. (my ex did this to family as well, I let him to keep the peace....than he moved on to my friends...by the time I left him, I had no one left & it took a long time to rebuild relationships..I wish I stood my ground sooner, maybe things would have been different.)

 

She has no real relationship with her own family & that may be what she is trying to achieve (subcousciencely or conscienly) with yours as well.

Talk to her about it & bring this up in couselling as well.

[michaelc427]

thank you for the advice flower99, i will certainly take all of that into consideration, strangely enough, she doesn't seem to mind if i say i am going to my closest friends house or on the phone with him, she generally likes my closest friend,

[3boys]

we are full blooded sibilings....

 

just the one in town, but in the past 3 months she has shown similar crazy behavior towards both of them, but she tends to be more pleaseant to the one that doesn't live in town.........., probably because she knows that one doesn't live in town...... i am trying to make sure i give this my 100% effort before we reach the point where i would tell her to "pound sand"....

I didn't mean literally use those words, but you need to let her know that staying away from your family, ESPECIALLY since you just lost a parent, is not an option. Like flower99 said, you need to stand your ground and it sounds like you're not because you want to avoid the conflict. I know the counselor doesn't want you to focus on specific conflicts, but I'd deem this one suitable to bring up in counseling.

[handsdown]

When in counselling does your therapist talk about control issues and jealousy with your wife? There is just something very wrong here!

 

How old is she? Has she had many close relationships before you? What about close friends even?

 

This behavior is so bizarre and childish, she seems to either have some sort of social disorder or she is just extremely emotionally immature.

 

From what you have posted, you are completely innocent, there is absolutely no reason for her to feel threatened or jealous. DO NOT let her place these guidelines (well, you know that already) but this is controlling behavior and do not for whatever reason allow it to continue.

 

I'd like to hear what your counsellor says about this. Do you talk to her about it at all or does it just usually get her on the defensive? You said she noted that it takes away from 'family time', but 3 times a week for even an hour is not excessive at all, especially with family!!! It's not like you have children with this woman, how much time does she need?

 

I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer, stand your ground and get to that counsellor right away, this woman needs some serious help!