I messed up with my boyfriend this morning

[GrowingUp]

He recently quit his job at a Loan Company because he was really unhappy. He has some cash but he got a call back for a interview. He told me where the interview was (its 1 hour from our apartment) and what the job was. Its for leasing consultant and they most likely will want you to live on premise. So I asked him what he was going to do if they hired him and wanted him to move. He said he wanted me to move with him because its free and yadayadadya. I was okay with that but my job is in my area so I was thinking good greif. I also have a dog so I was thinking what if they don't accept dogs, will you still go. He said if "I have to of course I will". I got so mad, sad, angry all at the same time and I got so negative I said to him "so you would just leave and move out just like that" and he said "well only if I have to, we will try to work it out when it happens" I said "well when it happens its too late and blah blah blah" He then got really upset stating "You shouldn't worry you don't know whats going to happen!, what if they do accept dogs, PLUS you should support me no matter what" He thinks I am selfish now and I am unsupportive. I didn't mean it....I feel like he hates me now.

[Up and Down]

Its a free place and your boyfriend needs a job. I would worry about the what if's after he gets the job offer and go from there. Right now you are speculating and making a mountain out of a molehill.

[GrowingUp]

We just moved in together officially and I don't want to live separate, so thats where all the bad feelings came out. I should have held them in I guess

[BeStrongBeHappy]

actually, i don't think she is making a mountain out of a molehill for these reasons:

 

He quit a job without even having a new one first. Not a wise move, and put more pressure on the situation to find another job. people who are responsible recognize that this is not a wise move, and don't leave a job until they have a new one unless they have a LOT of money save or unless forced out of the job by a layoff.

 

He is talking about taking a job that makes his life very easy, with no commute to work. But it forces her to now drive one hour each way.

 

He is taking a job that might require her giving up her pet. that is a huge sacrifice that wouldn't be necessary if he found a job that didn't require such a sacrifice, which he could do if he looks some more.

 

so he is making a decision that has a huge negative impact on her life, but makes his life easier.

 

there are also plenty of other alternatives he could choose. he should be looking for different jobs that don't require her giving up the dog or commuting an hour each way to work. and he shouldn't be jumping at the first job that comes up if it doesn't meet BOTH their objectives if they're living together as a couple.

 

so my advice is see what happens, he may not even get the job. and if he does and takes it, and insists you give up your dog and commute an hour a day, i'd think twice about how much this guy really cares about you, or whether he is just being selfish and doesn't care about the impact of his decisions on you. i certainly wouldn't give up my dog over it, nor move somewhere where there is an hour commute just because he wants an easy life and may not care about what hardships that places on you.

[GrowingUp]

I understand what you are saying BeStrong he is in Real Estate and this is like the perfect job for him and when he quit his job he had money from selling a house saved up. All of your other points are hurting me though they could be true and thats scary. He says he is doing it for us and stuff but its really confusing and I don't know what to think.

[ghost69]

well, he didn't say he is leaving you. he has a great opportunity to make some potential cash. and live pretty much free. who wouldn't want that? some apts are ridiculously priced.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you need to talk about it more... what is his logic that he is 'doing it for you?' that could be true if it is a big step up for him, but it also could be he is trying to talk you into it because it is easier for him.

 

does he show other tendencies to be selfish? i would evaluate it and try to talk more without fighting about it...

 

perhaps if he is asking you to drive 2 hours a day he could do the housework or other things. if he is not willing to make adjustments to make your life manageable i'd question that...

 

and personally, no way would i give up my dog for any reason. say you move with him and break up in a couple months and you've given away your dog for him... i think that would be intolerable...

[GrowingUp]

well I am not planning on giving up my dog for him but he is not selfish at all usually. I am taking this situation and thinking about how serious he is actually taking me. Am I just some girl in his life that he has been with for 4 years or am I potentially someone he want to involve in his decisions. I am so hurt right now. I feel like he doesn't really care for me

[GrowingUp]

he isn't telling me to get rid of my job. He is tellling me he wants me to move with him "but if they don't accept dogs we will figure it out" What is there to figure out is what I am saying.

[GrowingUp]

I was thinking he was the one but I don't know anymore. I guess I am just not important enough. and will never be. Things were going so well but now that this came out I question his real commitment to me. Its worthless really. He would just up and move out because its better for him. He doesn't even care.

[ghost69]

sounds like you are hyperventilating. you are jumping to conclusions. nothing has even happened yet. he just told you some of the details of this 'possible' job.

[WTHUWY]

I'd think the same thing.

 

Give it time, cross that bridge when you get there. Try not to be all me,me, me

[RayKay]

I think you overreacted in the sense you have NO idea what the job would entail yet and neither does he, and that even if it DID require a move you have no idea whether you can or can't have a dog or anything yet.

 

I also think you are being a bit passive-aggressive here:

 

I was thinking he was the one but I don't know anymore. I guess I am just not important enough. and will never be. Things were going so well but now that this came out I question his real commitment to me. Its worthless really. He would just up and move out because its better for him. He doesn't even care.

If that is how you tend to react or think anytime there is conflict or disagreement, I can say that you are really going to put a damper on this relationship.

 

I am not saying it is fair if he decides things without considering you, but I am not so sure he HAS decided anything yet since you don't yet know what the job will require.

 

I don't blame him for feeling unsupported if your way to react to something he is excited about is to automatically be negative or yell at him for being "uncaring"......wait until you KNOW all the details, then sit down and talk it over including not only the pros, but also the cons and figure something out together as a TEAM, not as enemies to one another.

[GrowingUp]

I'm not trying to be selfish. I promise I just feel kinda left out

[GrowingUp]

we talked a bit more at lunch I a feeling better I just need to come to terms with why I feel so upset about this and make sure our heads and hearts are in the right place. I need to make sure I support him but to not put my happiness on the back burner you know?